To say no to step MIL

[empee47]

For the last two years, step MIL has booked theatre tickets for us and her to attend a Christmas show. For the last two years, my DH has squirmed when he mentioned it to me because his step mum had booked and paid for the tickets without checking we were free - she was taking a real gamble. We’ve accommodated her for the last two years even though it was massively inconvenient because we got home late, at 8pm, still had to rush around and sort dinner and then we were up early next day to travel a couple of hours for a sports competition for our DDs. Eldest DD12 no longer competes, but DD8 does, is very keen but needs her sleep. AIBU to say that no, this year, we’re not attending, as DD wants to focus on her competition and needs to be properly rested? DH thinks that if we’ve managed it for the last couple of years we can do it again this year. I say no, we’ve worked around her twice before to our detriment and I’m putting my foot down this year. Who even books and pays for tickets without checking that we’re free?

If you don’t want to hurt/offend her then maybe go this time but make sure you ask her to check dates with you in plenty of time if she’s planning the same generous gift next year.

Have a large hot lunch at midday and then sandwich, fruit and crisps when you get home 8pm, in bed by 8.15pm. What time would your 8 year old go to bed usually? Surely not much before 8.15pm anyway?

It’s a mild inconvenience, but in the morning, she’s only sitting in the car for two hours, she can relax with a blanket in the car, before her sport.

Think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill to be honest.

This thread's just going to fill up to 1000 posts with people suggesting the OP stop for food on the way home, but the OP won't come back and answer the simple question, "Why have you allowed this to go on for 3 years?" 🤭

If you have previously discussed checking with you first and she knew that but has gone ahead and done this anyway, then remind her that she needed to check, but didn't and you cannot make it this time.

HOWEVER If you have not previously discussed that she needs to check first then how is she to know that the last two years have been such an inconvenience. If this is the case, I would agree to go this time but make it clear that in the future she needs to check. Enjoy the panto then grab fast food on the way home to eat in the car and kids straight to bed when they get home.

Can you take a packed lunch for the children? I’ve done this the last few Christmases when DD has gone to a show with her grandma, I make her a sandwich and she eats it on the train on the way home (she is now 10 but have been doing this since she was 7).

BAH HUMBUG - using any excuse to be mean, you could have mentioned to her not to book anything if you knew she was likely to do so.

If they are already booked you should go. Next year mention the dates to her before she books.

If this is a Christmas show how late have you left this? Since neither you nor DH have chosen to say a word for the last 2 years, YABU to just completely bail this year at the absolute last minute. Honestly this sort of behavior is a cousin to weaponized incompetence - pretending to have zero problem solving skills then throwing up your and saying it’s all completely unworkable, when the reality is you aren’t interested in making it work.

-Have a big late lunch or early tea and get absolutely everything ready for bedtime and the next morning in advance. Pack a cool box in the car with foods that can be eaten on the way home. If you’re in the door at 8pm your DD can be in bed by 8:15.
-If this is absolutely unworkable for some reason, tell your MIL that DD8 and one parent will need to stay home while the other takes your older DD

Then set a reminder in your calendar to DH or yourself to reach out to MIL over summer or a few months before she would normally book and let her know that with the DC’s weekend activities you need the chance to look at schedules before she books or it may not be possible to attend in 2025.

And if the real issue is that you and your DC don’t actually appreciate the choice of activity, propose a different family outing instead next year.

Cancel the cheque everyone.

We can clearly all stop pointing out any of the blindingly obvious solutions to this huge dilemma, on the basis that the op won't be back, given that the whole point of her thread was for everyone to slag off her mil, which very few people have done.

All seems a bit mean and petty to me. I bet you that you would accommodate her if it was your mom.
I feel sorry for your dh in all this. Would you not do it for him?

I agree she should be checking you are free, can you get a McDonald's to eat in the car on the way home and tell her if she wants to do the same again next year she needs to check dates first?

When did she tell you about the tickets? If it was today, then fair enough to say “sorry - no can do but thanks”. If it was some weeks ago, then it’s out of order; she might have been able to exchange them, or ask someone else. I also agree with others about the logistics: have a big lunch and a sandwich in the car, or grab some fast food?

Sorry OP but grow up and problem solve....

Why have neither you or DH told her before now to check before booking tickets?
Why can you not just feed kids before and after show? You could get home microwave something and go to bed. Could have some snacks before going or in car on way home? Theres so many ways around this.

Your kids arent babies 8pm really isnt that late. Also important to show child that competing is only a part of life.

Honestly sounds like you just dont like her and are trying every excuse not to go to what sounds like a lovely night out.

Baffled by all the 'it's nice' and 'it's a kind gesture' comments. It's neither nice or kind to book something without checking other people's plans. Did you say anything to your step MIL last year? If there's a date you can make, could you ask if the tickets can be changed?

For gods sake have some leftovers ready to pop in the microwave, you’ll be eating by ten past eight. Or have something for your daughter to eat on the journey home. Honestly, grow up.

I think you’re being difficult. Could have a big lunch and a quick dinner of sandwiches in the car.

if you don’t want to go, don’t go, but don’t blame it on the kiddo, and accept you’re being a bit mean.

Not only her MiL but Step MiL at that. Two of MN's favourite things to bitch about...Mils and SMs, and it didn't get the response the OP was expecting. Better luck next time OP. 😃

I think both of you are equally at fault. Your MiL for not checking that dates are convenient and you and DH for letting her think that she doesn’t need to check the dates before she books.

So either you tell her now that you can’t go (which is likely to cause some hurt feelings and confusion), or you send DH with your oldest DD and keep your youngest at home (and I think we all know how that will probably go down with younger DD), or you could feed your DD a hot lunch, give her a packed lunch to eat on the way home and get her straight to bed when she gets in, remembering to tell your MiL not to book again next year without checking. I think that the third option is the most sensible.

I was just about to post 'cancel the cheque' at the 100th packed lunch suggestion 😁

The problem is that you resented the MiL doing this each year but never told her it was inconvenient so how is she supposed to know?

Have dinner at lunch time, snack at 20.00.

And talk to her , FFS

Why on earth does she not check before booking? I’d not go on principle but I’m an arsey cow.

You sound so difficult.

Gonout for a big late lunch, go to the show, give DD a car picnic and then straight to bed.

She's 8, not 2. It's hardly a big deal. You're acting like she's got a world championships the next day.

Can’t your daughter eat a packed tea in the car on the way home, would that help?

Do any of you actually enjoy the show? I would be very stressed if all through the show I keep thinking what a rush hope it finishes soon got so much to sort out.