Exchanging presents but not meeting up

[Northerndownhere]

Does anyone only exchange Christmas presents via parcel delivery or via other relatives picking up and dropping off presents at Christmas with no intention of meeting up? I am disappointed that I'm being asked to exchange presents but no actual arrangement of meeting up and socialising. This isn't abroad or even more than 10 miles away. No falling out or bad feeling, just total indifference and no relationship at all. It seems so uncaring and frankly dare I say grabby. I have no interest in presents themselves, I would rather the socialising and care to be shown to myself and DC (one has disabilities). No DH as I'm divorced.

I don't think AIBU but growing up in a toxic family has been questioning myself well into my 50s.

Er yes. Not seeing my sister & her family this year so sent via Royal Mail. Ditto DH’s brother’s family. Nor my grandparents actually! So excited for a quiet Christmas this year. But we usually end up having to send to at least one family every year.

No, if you aren't close enough to spend time together it's odd to exchange gifts. And shopping for gifts can be quite stressful so I wouldn't want to do it for people who can't be bothered spending time with you. I hope you do have some lovely friends or family to celebrate Christmas with.

Yes- Dh's family do this., I find it strange. They never see each other otherwise.

I personally wouldn't bother. If there's no relationship, then I wouldn't want to exchange gifts.
Quality time together is so much more value than anything money can buy. I'm sorry you're going through this 🫂

I take all mine to relatives, sending by post, unless people are abroad, does seem a bit odd.

Thank you. I am finding Christmasses harder and harder as the years roll by.

Very disappointed as I stupidly bought presents requested (stating clearly I was not expecting anything) and I've been asking to arrange to meet but nothing back just being asked to pass on the presents. With less than a week to go I've realised I have no plans to see them.

Toxic and odd as anything. I am older and wiser since I hit 50 last year and it's very sad to realise this.

Any tips on what a reasonable response would be?

I'll give them to you when I see you

I'm with @TempuraCustard - say that you'd rather exchange gifts when you see each other.

If it's clear that they expect to receive rather than exchange, and don't want to meet up, then save your self-esteem and return the gifts for a refund and spend the money on something more important.

I'm being asked by the individual and the person going to visit them for the presents. They have arranged to see each other as they often do. I can accept people have different relationships but I'm often excluded.

I know I might be being sensitive but feel I need to maintain my self respect and direct my efforts where it's appreciated. Presents have been bought at some expense of course. It was very much I've bought your DCs presents so here's what we'd like, no discussion of plans to meet despite asking.

It happens in my family these days, and feels increasingly empty. I can scroll through my phone and find conversations with relatives going back years, which consist of ‘Thank you for the Christmas present’, ‘You’re welcome’’, Thank you for the birthday present’, ‘You’re welcome,’ etc etc etc.

I’m slowly scaling it back.

In fact, one relative passed me in the car on her drive one birthday. I was dropping a gift off, while they were on their way out to meet another family member for a day out that I wasn’t invited to.

So they’re off the list.

This is sad. I'd stand firm - "I mentioned having a get together and exchanging presents then, let me know when would suit you".

And to the intermediary who I think you said requested the presents to pass on "Oh thanks but don't worry, I told X I'd give them to them when I see them, I'm just waiting to hear back about a date". If they push "don't worry, I've not wrapped them yet anyway, I'll just sort it with X directly, thanks" or something like that.

For me I'd say YABU but I can appreciate it might be strange if you have never done this before. If it's not a new thing then maybe people just want a quiet Christmas without having to entertain or socialise?

It would be totally normal for me. Friends and family exchange presents earlier and then just call on the day. Even my best friend who lives one street from me does the same!
TBF though both my best friend and I are nurses so have a long history of working on Christmas and being unavailable.

I don't see my nephew and his DW but we were really close in age growing up and have the same age DC. We send cards and a tin of biscuits in the post every year and that suits all of us.

However this year my eldest dsis, DB and DM have not been in touch to meet up. Dsis was with DB at DMs today and didn't tell me she was visiting, I found out by accident. I had left their gifts in DMs house last weekend as I knew this would happen, let myself in when they were out. My other dsis called up today, I made her lunch and we exchanged gifts like normal people.

I think presents are totally pointless if you don’t meet - I mean, I understand it’s not always possible on the exact day, but there has to be an intention and effort to meet. Presents are part of the festive atmosphere. So definitely YANBU.

i think I would call and speak directly, to try and fix a meetup. If they are not forthcoming about meeting then I think I would give the presents but say it’s a pity not to see them opened or other heavy hint.

then turn your attention to other people who actually want to see you. I’d still leave the door open but not make any proactive effort until they take a first step towards you.

I suppose you mean that you exchange gifts then see each other socially another time. That's not the same. I don't have much of a relationship at all, I make all the effort to contact. Birthdays and Christmas and otherwise. Rarely do I even get a text message asking me how I am.

So just a slap in the face to be asked for presents and on top of that have them delivered by another relative who they do want to see.

Everyone I know does this for all occasions. It's the perfect scenario, you can do the presents but don't have to actually be bothered to see the people. Win win situation

Yes DH’s family do this, we live in the same city as a set of his cousins and I have met them once in 6 years but every year there is a present exchange via mail. It is actually quite sweet but I do find it a little odd seeing as there is no real relationship there but that’s just how they do it and DH does all the organising so I don’t mind. They are very nice and also include me in the present giving even though I’ve met them once and only tag on to DHs gift. Even our dog gets a gift and DH gets their cats gifts lol.

Have they got your child a present? Do you like the child for whom you have bought a present?

if so swap them this year and think about whether you want to participate next year - say it’s a bit materialistic and decided not to just do gifts, but would prefer a visit.

If no to either, make an excuse as to why intermediate can’t take on your behalf, get a refund and spend it on your child. Don’t bother next year.

Sorry just RTFT - I think it’s extremely odd that you’re receiving requests for gifts from people you don’t see! DHs family all does a mutual gift exchange but it’s mostly token gifts. I would just say that you’re happy to do a gift exchange when you next see them, if they would like to arrange a time that suits. And if they don’t arrange then you return the presents and buy yourself something nice!

Tell them you'll exchange presents the next time you meet, if that's what you want to do. They're not entitled to presents.

Yes with an Aunt of Dhs .
We used to with his nieces and nephew but thankfully have knocked that on the head this year, as quite frankly its farcical.

The person in question has no children it's just a couple. I have 2 DCs. I'm not bothered for presents for DCs and so I haven't engaged much in the conversations about what do your DCs want.

It's not just someone I don't see. It's not even more than a texting conversation every few months, usually initiated by me.

The people in question are my siblings. They have arranged to meet but neither has mentioned meeting up with me.