Exchanging presents but not meeting up

[Northerndownhere]

Does anyone only exchange Christmas presents via parcel delivery or via other relatives picking up and dropping off presents at Christmas with no intention of meeting up? I am disappointed that I'm being asked to exchange presents but no actual arrangement of meeting up and socialising. This isn't abroad or even more than 10 miles away. No falling out or bad feeling, just total indifference and no relationship at all. It seems so uncaring and frankly dare I say grabby. I have no interest in presents themselves, I would rather the socialising and care to be shown to myself and DC (one has disabilities). No DH as I'm divorced.

I don't think AIBU but growing up in a toxic family has been questioning myself well into my 50s.

What do I even respond with?

It might be best for you to stop putting energy into this. If they’ve left presents at DPs, I would do the same so it’s settled.

You can then move forward the way you want, and not give it more headspace.
You are still chasing them now, and it’s keeping you busy. Leave the presents, repeat for yourself that your dcs are worth more than the crumbs of attention and focus on moving on.

Yes it is consuming my energy and efforts. I don't like it and I'm trying my best to put a lid on my own expectations. You are right about the crumbs. I just want to give a dignified response to show my feelings about it.

They didn't personally leave the presents at DPs. They also have no intention of visiting DPs. How humiliating if I have to now ask the other sibling to deliver the presents whilst they have already made another plan to meet without me.

Some people are just so rubbish.

I'd welcome suggestions on what to respond, this is giving me anxiety.

Just say that date isn’t suitable, let me know other dates you are free and see what they come back with

Give it a day and just say that day doesn't work.
Nothing further.
You cannot change them.
Do yourself a favour and drop the rope.
Giving presents in this situation serves no purpose so best to leave it.
I wouldn't drop them anywhere.
Put them away and say will give them the next time we meet.
The dnd. No futher discussion about it.
Just don't respond further.

Respond as you would if you were trying to arrange a work meeting- no emotion or accusations, just "I'm afraid I'm not available on that date" then either offer (again) dates you are free or ask for more suggestions from them. Don't pursue them beyond this, and make sure the dates you suggest/agree to really work for you. Worst case scenario is presents aren't exchanged, but that won't be your fault and isn't the end of the world.

I would not buy any gifts until there was a date to see them set first. I don't buy presents for people I don't see because it just ends up being transactional then. Set firm boundaries for Christmas 2025.

DH's family used to be like this. DH and his brother had children at roughly same time...each Christmas MIL would be the go-between and pick up presents from DH's brother's house to give to our DC, and then MIL would then give presents from us to pass over to them (live 30 minutes drive BTW, not oceans apart). I found it bloody weird. Why not just visit and talk to your sibling? They didn't have a fall out or anything.

About five years ago, it was said that they no longer can afford to exchange Christmas or birthday gifts between the children so it all stopped. Yet when I first brought up what was the point of all this when the children aren't getting a chance to get to know each other I was told that it had to be done that way🤷‍♀️

I personally find it weird. Very weird.

I think the hardest part can be accepting that you may never know why they are behaving towards you like this, and that trying to "have it out with them" won't gain you anything.

I got left with so many hurt feelings and questions that I've just had to sit on as any attempt I've made to (politely!) work out why my siblings were distancing themselves was shut down or responded to like I was crazy. I have sometimes wondered if it's all in my head, but 3 years of only seeing them when I've tied myself in knots (and still sometimes being cancelled on at the last minute!) surely speaks for itself. I've finally managed to mentally let go of responsibility for their behaviour and our relationship, but it has been hard. You have all my sympathy OP. Hopefully this is the final Christmas of feeling this way for you xx

It's understandable if you live far apart but otherwise no I'd feel the same way as you. There are some family members I haven't seen for months but I stopped off to drop off gifts and sat for a while and I have friends I'll meet for lunch or dinner so we can exchange gifts.

“Can’t do that date, no. What a shame. My availability is this” Attach copy of previous text.

The “what a shame” is so that you can’t be accused of having an attitude (also, it IS a shame that your sister is an arsehole).

I know you want them to be different, to behave better, to want to see your children. But they aren’t and never will be.Often when we’re dealing with hurtful people, we think if we explain how they make us feel, they’ll change. But why would they? They like themselves, they think they’re fine as they are. Honestly the only thing you can control is your reaction. Keep your responses factual and brief.

I really appreciate the words of encouragement here. No one to talk to in real life about this.

I messaged back asking them to let me know their availability. Obviously got a vague and dismissive response. It's so funny as I've literally not done anything to offend them. The other sibling (toxic narc who treats her DC terribly) hasn't contacted me at all either. Both siblings are so uncaring and frankly crap that they welcome to each other. I will place my efforts elsewhere they will never change. I just feel bad for my DC.

So now the real question is if I really now refund the presents. They were very specific requests so not generic items I can store for regifting to friends.

If you want to return the gifts then do but is there a chance they bought gifts for you because you said you had gifts for them?

Could you just give them a day and text in the morning check if they're in so you can pop round with their gifts. Maybe then if you get a shitty response return them! Sorry I realise it's after Christmas now but obviously this is not settled.

No I don't really want to return the gifts I wanted to meet up with them but I've been knocked back enough times now. I'm fed up of the situation. They clearly do not want to see me and DC.

It started with asking me what DC would like, I made sure I asked for a small gift only then their request for presents came.

I would happily pop round to them (a train ride away) but I have no car and one disabled DC. Besides I've asked numerous times now to meet up and got knocked back. Please read my whole thread.

Brilliant 👍🏻

Are your siblings both women and of a similar age to one another, OP?

Yes, you can return the gifts and should not feel guilty about it.
You're going through an adjustment, which will feel uncomfortable, but if you hand over the gifts then you'll feel uncomfortable too, because you've finally tried to stand up for yourself and then gone back to the old family roles of you just fitting in with whatever they want. The thing is that they'll not treat you with respect unless you change the old patterns.

You've got a lot going on in your own life, do whatever helps yourself and your child.

Yes but I am closer in age to one of them.

This is so bizarre. Do they have more in common? Do you know of a grudge one might bear against you? Is one worried you may be after her partner as you are single or that her partner may be attracted to you?

This is exactly what I wanted to say (but much more clearly expressed!)

Returning the gifts marks the moment you say to yourself that this relationship isn’t good enough for you and you’re not putting up with it any longer.

Yep. My sister is not interested in spending any time together as families. It's been like that for years. We've have the odd Christmas together but not for a few years now. I buy for her and my nieces/nephews and she does the same for us. It makes me sad. DH can't stand them - because of how they are about family meetups - so I guess that's how it will stay!

Like you OP, I have tried many times to initiate family days but to no avail so I gave up a couple years ago!

Thank you. Yes it is bizarre. One of them has always been extremely difficult and manipulative and is very much the "golden child". I've tried to get on with them for the greater good and because I want DCs to have a relationship. I've forgiven many slights and passive aggressive weird behavior over the years. The other one is childless. I've always been left out growing up but thought as adults it would get better (not sure why). I suspect they like a gossip and a bitch about me, someone to commonly hate is quite a thing isn't it.

No more contact now about meeting up over the rest of the holiday period.

Sorry you're in the same position. I'm giving up now, it will be my resolution for 2025!

I post one present, to a cousin (well, to her parents on her behalf). They live around 2 hours away. I also give presents for nieces and nephews and one set of grandparents-in-law (poor mobility) to my PIL in mid December as they live closer to them than I do. They hand them out when they visit. We do get together, sometimes on Christmas day, sometimes in the week afterwards, but I prefer the kids to have their gifts for Christmas day and the grandparents don't get many gifts so also like for them to have it ready for Christmas morning too.