Exchanging presents but not meeting up

[Northerndownhere]

Does anyone only exchange Christmas presents via parcel delivery or via other relatives picking up and dropping off presents at Christmas with no intention of meeting up? I am disappointed that I'm being asked to exchange presents but no actual arrangement of meeting up and socialising. This isn't abroad or even more than 10 miles away. No falling out or bad feeling, just total indifference and no relationship at all. It seems so uncaring and frankly dare I say grabby. I have no interest in presents themselves, I would rather the socialising and care to be shown to myself and DC (one has disabilities). No DH as I'm divorced.

I don't think AIBU but growing up in a toxic family has been questioning myself well into my 50s.

Dealing with the exact same scenario and seriously considering telling them all I will not be buying for birthdays and Xmas moving forward. I enjoy buying for them all but would like to spend quality time with them. Rocking up in the car park to my flat and exchanging gifts out there is not it! I'm sorry you're dealing with this too.

I thought it would be cousins/aunts/uncles, handing gifts for siblings to a go-between seems a lot worse.

You can go against your family history. There's something about becoming a parent that makes the scales fall from our eyes about some of our own family relationships, isn't there? Your own feelings matter.

I would stop all together.

I've not bought gifts this year for friends I haven't seen much. I really CBA anymore if people can't be bothered to make an effort to meet up during the year.

I think I would suggest leaving it OP in your shoes even if they are your siblings.

Why is the post office known to be busy at Christmas time if it’s an odd thing to do?

I’ve received a hamper from an aunt just yesterday. Also received parcels of pressies from my sister and DH’s brother. 🤷‍♀️

@Northerndownhere if you have zero relationship to speak of perhaps just respond with "I've stopped buying for adults this year".

Or you could say "my gift was going to pay for our meal out when we met up but it seems you don't want to do that anymore"

The shit will hit the fan but they aren't going to change are they?

So just a slap in the face to be asked for presents and on top of that have them delivered by another relative who they do want to see.

Send a jolly HNY text

Dear Bill and Joan* Cheeky grabby fuckers
Happy New Year!
Hope you had a lovely Christmas!?
Going forward we won't be doing presents this year as we are cutting down for environmental reasons , I'm sure you understand?!
All the best for 2025!!!! Northern

I'd be hurt too. I think I would say,
Hi sibling,
Not really up for the postal thing, shall we hang on to the gifts til there's a better time for us to meet up in the new year?

And if you are up for digging a bit deeper you could add:
Unless you'd rather not meet up at all, in which case shall we just get that on the table and maybe not bother with gifts next year?

I find it very odd that they would initiate the gifting when they are leaving you out of the gathering.

I have exactly this with my siblings. It really hurts, especially as we all have kids and mine want to see their cousins. I've made the offer to see them, made it clear when we're free, and am now stepping back. I sent their presents in the post as didn't want the kids at risk of missing out and am otherwise absolving myself of guilt or responsibility. Previous years I've tied myself in knots trying to see them, worrying what I did/said wrong etc, but this year I've found peace with knowing I've done what I can. I hope you have other people in your life who show more love OP, and that you can find some peace too. It probably says more about them than you xx

Honestly, whilst you still can I'd return the gifts for my money back and then ignore. Doesn't sound like you'd be losing much to be even lower contact than you are now. Which is really rubbish, you sound lovely, Merry Christmas to you and your DC 🎄

You poor woman.
What utterly toxic people.
I cannot fathom being asked for gifts from people I do not see.
Dropping off gifts to a house that wouldn't open the door.

Honestly OP please stop.
What damage to your soul, well-being, self esteem this must do.

Please save your money and simply do not respond further.

If I wasn't particularly close with them I wouldn't buy anything for them. In my own family some siblings don't buy for adults , and after years of buying gifts I started to match their energy . They put little to no effort into gifts for my kids for years so now I've gone down the same route this year . Last year they complained that the kids got too much of something they are known for giving every year to ours , I hadn't given this item but I did this year . I need to dial back the Christmas spend and stress

So make this the last year that you do this. Give yourself the gift of not minding from now on that this part of your family has no time for you.

You can have the "let's not do presents this year" conversation at an appropriate point next year.

Oh goodness Northern, that's even worse!

Sibling relationships can be bloody awful, being 'stuck' with people you have only DNA in common with but nothing else.

You sound a million times better than them, ditch the gifts, ditch the sibs, and move forward from their rubbish, you are so much better than that!

I wouldn't bother either.
Christmas is such an expensive time and I don't see the point of making it more costly by buying gifts for people who can't make time for each other.

I arranged last year to meet with a friend before Xmas to give her gifts for her four children who I have always bought for and spent time with.
Kept getting fobbed off.
She turned up on my door step one morning but didn't have time to come in.
So I handed the presents over.
Not heard from her since.
Message a few days ago saying must catch up soon...so I am guessing she is expecting presents.
I haven't bought any

...if I am not good enough then neither is my money

We did this for some years…BIL would expect gifts dropped off, often wasn’t even in when he said he would be to see us so we would leave gifts in the porch, not see anyone or get any gifts back for our kids! Thing is he also has ALOT of kids, 3 different mums, we only have 2 kids so the expense for us was huge! Gave up a few years ago. Nieces and Nephews wouldn’t even know who the gifts were from they saw us that little! Make this your last year of making an effort for them OP x

I would just say “I would rather meet up to exchange presents properly, let’s arrange something for the new year”. And to the person who’s wanting to play postman “No need, thanks, x and I will be exchanging presents properly when we next meet up”.

Same message every time, word for word, don’t feel like you need to explain or justify yourself - what you want is completely normal, what they want is transactional and weird.

I listen to ‘Walk to Well-being’ podcasts on my treadmill. This situation reminds me of an episode with a psychologist who talked about it being ok to let go of relationships that had run their course. The referral was to friendships really, but could be applied here.

I would not be giving these people gifts.

I hate how this has crept into my families Christmas routines. Its also become normalised on birthdays. Dropping presents off or exchanging presents without any real social interaction is pretty much saying its a present you need to buy someone to tick a box rather than because you want to.

@Northerndownhere the way they’ve done it is really cheeky if close enough to pop over. Just say ‘no, not sending them, you can have then when I see you next’ and if they say that’s too late I’d just take them back to the shop. Shouldn’t just be about presents.

Post the presents and next year say you've decided to cut down on gifts, so won't be doing any now. If you want to see them then arrange that at a quieter time of year.

I would say to them that you feel meeting up is more important to you and why don't we quit the present exchanging, or at least leave it till a meet up.

Posting presents is a hassle.

DH has 3 siblings - we exchange cards and gifts as appr. to ages of children and family views on gifts for grown ups. One SIL we see all the time as she has a regular gig with DH. The other 2 siblings we don't often see at all but are on good terms with. Meet up or no meet up feels like it doesn't have any bearing on gifting practices to me.

All GPs and sibling on my side have passed as away. We see my SIL, nephew and kids over the Christmas hols. Other nephew lives abroad. We gift to all of these.

We prefer a quiet family Christmas and not one where we are travelling to see people all over the country. Lots of people are like that and find family bearing gifts in person, wanting to be fed or wanting you to feed you wearing.

Okay so I'm going to go against the grain here but this is what we do with DH's sister's kids' presents.its not all black and white like people on here are saying. Not everyone gets on but you might still want to buy their child a present, and rather than an awkward meet up, why not just drop the presents and leave them to it?