Exchanging presents but not meeting up

[Northerndownhere]

Does anyone only exchange Christmas presents via parcel delivery or via other relatives picking up and dropping off presents at Christmas with no intention of meeting up? I am disappointed that I'm being asked to exchange presents but no actual arrangement of meeting up and socialising. This isn't abroad or even more than 10 miles away. No falling out or bad feeling, just total indifference and no relationship at all. It seems so uncaring and frankly dare I say grabby. I have no interest in presents themselves, I would rather the socialising and care to be shown to myself and DC (one has disabilities). No DH as I'm divorced.

I don't think AIBU but growing up in a toxic family has been questioning myself well into my 50s.

I think that's fine if it works for you @Mintupp , we are all different. I am not sure the OP feels like it is working for her though.

Sorry I should've elaborated more.
We don't see SIL and her kids because BIL is unbearable and the children are awfully behaved. I'm not saying this is what your family member is seeing in you, but what I mean is there's usually reasons why people won't meet up. Often it's the person themselves, and what's going on in their life. Basically they're not prioritising you for some reason. And on top of that they're probably aware that it's not good enough but they're doing it anyway. I wonder if your family member is going through something?
Also, it wasn't uncommon when I was growing up that my aunty and uncle would drop and run. No big family meet up type thing. In some family's people tend to meet on mass at weddings/funerals/big bbqs etc, not necessarily Xmas and bdays because it can be hard work rallying the kids.

I would just message back saying “don’t worry about coming to collect Sam’s presents Alex, I am looking forward to swapping presents with them when I see them. “

This is perfect.

There’s no point forcing a meet up with people who aren’t interested. Best to just save your energy for new, better relationships going forward x

Thank you this is the validation I need. I agree once I became a parent and having gone through divorce, it has shifted everything for me. And yes it's my siblings not cousins, aunts or uncles, it makes it worse.

Same here, with my mum, brother, sister in law.
Myself and DC left alone for Christmas every year. Don't live far away, either.

I don't have a problem with sending presents through the post as long as it's a mutual arrangement and you can do so even with someone who you do keep regular contact with. I have two distant aunts (in fact one of whom is my Ex H's second cousin) who I still send a card and gift voucher to each year.

What I have a problem with is being asked for presents with no intention of meeting by a sibling who doesn't bother keeping in touch and on top of that then suggests the present exchange be carried out by another sibling they have bothered arranged to meet up with.

Thanks everyone for the responses. If it wasn't clear, I am really hurt by this. Then I question myself. I haven't replied to either sibling as taking time to settle my own feelings. As some PP have said I know it is time to reclaim some self respect and I still do a double take when I have people who show me care and love in ways I've never known with my own family growing up.

sadly ,this seems to be getting more and more common, not sure what is wrong with people! total disconnect, so sad, I also would prefer seeing people having a nice time, no gifts required, just a good atmosphere, don't get it with family here either, always drama and disconnection...

Sorry you are going through this too. As others have said it is time to put your efforts elsewhere but it's still hurtful.

Do you know why they do so? How do you handle it?

I've been so upset about it for so long. This year I tried talking to my mum about it and she seemed to start to see it's upsetting for me, but nothing has changed. I try to remind myself it's their different attitude to Christmas and family, not about me personally. But it still hurts. And it still is personal, in that it's me (and my DC) who's left out. I think they genuinely just don't think about it/see it.

I try to focus on my DC and how happy he is, too. He doesn't know any different, so os perfectly happy with a quiet Christmas.

If that’s all they ever want to meet you for, I’d stop the tradition on that basis. Why buy gifts for people who don’t really bother with you until it’s time for a present? Just buy gifts for people you’re close to / see. Tell them you’re buying for immediate family that you’re in close contact with only. They are adults - they can get used to it.

It is incredibly hurtful to be excluded. I've found the comments here helpful to encourage me that it's ok to break away from the toxic relationships with family and concentrate on the good friendships I have from this point forward. Sorry you are going through this as well. Hope you and DC have a great Christmas.

Update: thanks for the encouraging messages on this thread. I messaged saying it would be nice to see them with my availability and got a vague response. Messaged the present-deliverer to say I was hoping to arrange a time to meet so they didn't need to collect my presents for passing on. Neither of them even expressed a desire to see me and DC. I couldn't care less anymore really. I look back at previous Christmasses and see where I've gone wrong, investing so much energy and hope where it's ignored and ridiculed. This holiday I will put my energy elsewhere. I have a handful of friends who are making the effort and I am grateful. I am letting go of this mattering to me at all.

Very tempted to refund the presents though that might be petty at this point!

I hope everyone who has posted similar is OK and will have a peaceful and happy Christmas. I will keep on posting updates.

This happens to us and makes me so sad. One family member hasn't seen my children for five years. Children do a lot of growing in five years.

Refund the presents.
Have a great Christmas.
Reprocosity in all relationships only for 2025.
Anything else is a waste of your time.

Rubbish isn't it when your own family don't seem bothered about seeing your DC. That's a big realisation for me. I also realised that my DC don't need these relatives for crumbs of affection.

Thank you that's how I feel really.

Very tempted to refund the presents but I surely can't dare to do that!

I hope everyone has a good Christmas.

Of course you can.
And if they come looking for them, have a cheap selection box for each of them ready.
Job done.

Of course you should return the presents and spend the money on your decent friends, or your children, or yourself!

Set a date on which you will do that - 4 weeks or 8 or whatever feels right to you. If there are no arrangements for a proper catch up by that date, then do it, with no guilt.

You absolutely should return the presents! Gifts are meant to be an enjoyable experience, given with love and appreciated by the recipient. They can barely be arsed to text you. Your present money would be better spent on a treat for yourself or on someone else very deserving.

I hope everyone has had a good Christmas. Update and need advice and this situation gets more ridiculous. I need to choose my words wisely.

So the presents were left at my DPs and I received them when I visited them with DC. Saw one of siblings who mentioned nothing of the other sibling in terms of meeting.

So I obviously thanked the other sibling by text, asked to meet and gave my availability again to meet to give them presents and for them to see DC. Their response was questioning my availability and then giving me a date (when I already said I am not free) when they are meeting the other sibling. No details, no asking me to join. Just stating it and asking am I free. Honestly I am struggling on what to even respond as again I feel it's rude and hurtful being again left out despite my efforts.

I want to tell them all to get to fuck but want some more choice words as they have a mean streak and I don't want to give them the satisfaction. Any tips please.

Sometimes if I can’t go back for Christmas but always do in person if i’m up that way. Even if just half hour (people always busy christmas eve), it’s nice to catch up. I wouldn’t bother if I didn’t see these people who don’t want to meet up.

Yes exactly. I know where I'm not wanted. It's twice they have made arrangements between them then told after.

I may be being sensitive but I know where I am not wanted and has always been like this. I am hurt more for my DC that they aren't wanted and just an afterthought.