Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking heartbroken

101 replies

notamerrychist · 20/12/2024 11:02

So my husband of 2 years, together for 6 had his Christmas night out last night and stayed in a hotel around 40 mins away from home as the party was closer to his work so he was staying over and then just driving straight to work this morning.

We share an iPad and the account is linked to the account on his phone. This morning I found that he was watching porn, I don't care for this although it's a bit gross to do it at work but nobody else would have been around him at least. But he had also been searching for an escort in the same town as his work.

This has made me feel sick to my stomach. He used to work away for years so now all sorts of things are going through my head. I confronted him and he tried to deny it and said it was just an ad on the porn site. and then admitted to googling it but came off. By why even look in the first place unless he genuinely wanted to pay for one? Which is just vile to me.

He's now on his way home from work and I don't even want to see him. Why do this to your wife?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 20/12/2024 11:03

It would be relationship ending for me. The porn I wouldn’t be massively bothered about, but you don’t just search for local escorts unless you’re actively looking for one and that intent alone would be the end of my marriage.

MintShaker · 20/12/2024 11:05

I'm so sorry but that would be it for me.

Original poster
notamerrychist · 20/12/2024 11:05

I agree. Porn is a non issue, we have a healthy sex life so I'm not threatened by that but the escort is just way too far. He's an absolute pig

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 20/12/2024 11:05

Yes sorry OP that would be it for me too. The porn wouldn't personally bother me (although I understand people have different views on this and if it this is a boundary you have previously communicated then that is not okay either) but nobody "just looks" at an escort website. They just don't.

Original poster
notamerrychist · 20/12/2024 11:06

I don't understand why he would chuck a perfectly lovely marriage away. We were "that" couple of being genuinely happy. I don't understand it at all

OP posts:
Jostuki · 20/12/2024 11:07

It's over.

He will do everything g he can to minimise it.

He's already lied.

There is no way I would ever forgive this or take him back.

You've only been married two years and should be completely devoted to each other. He clearly isn't.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/12/2024 11:07

Don’t torture yourself trying to understand why he did it, you don’t need to and you never will, he might not even understand it himself beyond “I wanted to”.

Walk away from this one OP honestly, don’t subject yourself to a lifetime of worry about when he’ll do it again, you’ll drive yourself mad.

Didimum · 20/12/2024 11:07

Girl, he has 100% done this multiple times before. Get yourself an STD check. Treat yourself as no.1 now – he is scum.

Jostuki · 20/12/2024 11:08

This was only one night away from you and he wanted to be pleasures by a stranger.

Absolutely disgusting.

MyStylish40s · 20/12/2024 11:08

I’m so sorry for you. Unfortunately, this is very, very common, far more common than women realise

MyPithyPoster · 20/12/2024 11:09

Many many years ago, my friend worked as an escort while she was at university.
Not one of her customers was ever a single lonely man as you might imagine somebody who hasn’t had sex for awhile
They would all talk about their wives girlfriend’s families. She got phone calls from sobbing women who found the number in the phone.
It’s just appalling behaviour

Catza · 20/12/2024 11:11

I wouldn't bother trying to understand it. I just found out that my partner went on a lunch date with a woman he followed on IG. He was away on a work trip and even if it was just lunch, I am not interested in finding out any more. I suspect it was more than that and they spent the night together as the following morning he was complaining he didn't get much sleep as "the bed was very firm"... yeah, right. Off to the bin he goes.

cassy16 · 20/12/2024 11:14

You can almost guarantee this won’t have been his first time, he will never admit the full extent of his indiscretions. Personally I think anyone that will use a escort has zero moral compass, so please go and get a std check

Original poster
notamerrychist · 20/12/2024 11:15

I just keep getting "I didn't want to do it I was just looking" back from him. Why would you look if you weren't considering it ....

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 20/12/2024 11:16

notamerrychist · 20/12/2024 11:15

I just keep getting "I didn't want to do it I was just looking" back from him. Why would you look if you weren't considering it ....

You don’t. That’s the simple answer. A man on his own in a hotel room doesn’t just “have a look” at local escorts.

Mollzzie · 20/12/2024 11:17

And at this point you actually don't know that he didn't do it.....pig.

Boomerma1969 · 20/12/2024 11:22

My hubby said he was staying in a hotel the night of his Xmas works party, for convenience etc. Turns out he had been shagging his married co-worker for over a year. He said all the things yr hubby is saying, the porn was just ads popping up on his phone etc. Total BS. I feel so sorry for u, but I sadly agree with others here, you really don't just look up local escorts and yes he has probs been doing it for years, whilst working away. Men will say anything to not lose their family life. Sorry 😪

ChateauMargaux · 20/12/2024 11:23

Another normal man with a happy life who will exploit wome 's bodies without a second thought when he believes no one is watching. Porn normalises these actions, thoughts, desires and actuLly fuels and feeds these responses. I do think porn is a threat to your marriage, a threat to women and a threat to respectful interactions between men and women.

My positione is informex by my current emotiinal state. I am shocked by recent court cases in France where I live... where a group of middle aged international rugby players gang raped a woman who woke up with a crutch in her vagina and yesterday 50 ordinary men were found guilty of raping a sleeping woman. Theywould not have been brought to justice had her husband not filmed it all.

Porn is a threat to all women.

u3ername · 20/12/2024 11:24

I don't know. May be, the porn made him think 'mhm... are there actual escorts locally, how easy is it to contact one, and how much does it cost these days'- just curiosity with zero interest to follow up... I don't know.
The porn watching does give me the eek to start with.

u3ername · 20/12/2024 11:26

ChateauMargaux · 20/12/2024 11:23

Another normal man with a happy life who will exploit wome 's bodies without a second thought when he believes no one is watching. Porn normalises these actions, thoughts, desires and actuLly fuels and feeds these responses. I do think porn is a threat to your marriage, a threat to women and a threat to respectful interactions between men and women.

My positione is informex by my current emotiinal state. I am shocked by recent court cases in France where I live... where a group of middle aged international rugby players gang raped a woman who woke up with a crutch in her vagina and yesterday 50 ordinary men were found guilty of raping a sleeping woman. Theywould not have been brought to justice had her husband not filmed it all.

Porn is a threat to all women.

That's so vile 😢

JellyComb · 20/12/2024 11:40

Hold on though, what if he IS telling the truth? I've googled local escorts out of curiosity to see what it's all about once. I found it fascinating, in a morbidly horrifying way tbh.

I am a 53 yr old woman, so obvs had no intention of contacting one.

What if he was watching porn, an ad popped up (which they do) and he googled it out of curiosity, perhaps got off on it a bit as already aroused, and that was it?

Hardly worth ending a marriage over.

AdoraBell · 20/12/2024 11:42

I’m sorry he’s doing this. I suggest you screenshot the messages/info and get your ducks in a row. Then confront him with the evidence.

oakleaffy · 20/12/2024 11:45

MyPithyPoster · 20/12/2024 11:09

Many many years ago, my friend worked as an escort while she was at university.
Not one of her customers was ever a single lonely man as you might imagine somebody who hasn’t had sex for awhile
They would all talk about their wives girlfriend’s families. She got phone calls from sobbing women who found the number in the phone.
It’s just appalling behaviour

Yes, I have heard it's almost always married men with children- Our family GP was caught being blackmailed by sex workers a long time ago - he was sent to jail for 6 months {giving controlled drugs to them} - daft man had several children and a wife at home.

laveritable · 20/12/2024 11:46

Porn is where it all starts though!

oakleaffy · 20/12/2024 11:46

JellyComb · 20/12/2024 11:40

Hold on though, what if he IS telling the truth? I've googled local escorts out of curiosity to see what it's all about once. I found it fascinating, in a morbidly horrifying way tbh.

I am a 53 yr old woman, so obvs had no intention of contacting one.

What if he was watching porn, an ad popped up (which they do) and he googled it out of curiosity, perhaps got off on it a bit as already aroused, and that was it?

Hardly worth ending a marriage over.

Would you be interested in buying a bridge from me? I'm in London.
I have one for sale.