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Original poster

To be fucking heartbroken

101 replies

notamerrychist · 20/12/2024 11:02

So my husband of 2 years, together for 6 had his Christmas night out last night and stayed in a hotel around 40 mins away from home as the party was closer to his work so he was staying over and then just driving straight to work this morning.

We share an iPad and the account is linked to the account on his phone. This morning I found that he was watching porn, I don't care for this although it's a bit gross to do it at work but nobody else would have been around him at least. But he had also been searching for an escort in the same town as his work.

This has made me feel sick to my stomach. He used to work away for years so now all sorts of things are going through my head. I confronted him and he tried to deny it and said it was just an ad on the porn site. and then admitted to googling it but came off. By why even look in the first place unless he genuinely wanted to pay for one? Which is just vile to me.

He's now on his way home from work and I don't even want to see him. Why do this to your wife?

OP posts:
ForeverPombear · 20/12/2024 11:48

notamerrychist · 20/12/2024 11:15

I just keep getting "I didn't want to do it I was just looking" back from him. Why would you look if you weren't considering it ....

Switch it around OP. For what reason would you possibly google male escorts? Surely the only reason would be if you wanted to book one?

Iliketulips · 20/12/2024 11:51

I don't know if I could get over this, but one thing I would be asking him to do on his return is let me have access to his phone (of he's got any sense he'll have deleted any possible calls), I'd want to see his bank statements and for him to account for any unusual transactions and also to account and prove what he's spent any cash withdrawals. If he's been on a works do, someone will have taken photos as well.

Haggia · 20/12/2024 11:52

JellyComb · 20/12/2024 11:40

Hold on though, what if he IS telling the truth? I've googled local escorts out of curiosity to see what it's all about once. I found it fascinating, in a morbidly horrifying way tbh.

I am a 53 yr old woman, so obvs had no intention of contacting one.

What if he was watching porn, an ad popped up (which they do) and he googled it out of curiosity, perhaps got off on it a bit as already aroused, and that was it?

Hardly worth ending a marriage over.

Genuinely, I have looked before at Adultwork for research on a crime novel I was writing! But my DH was aware.

You have to look at circumstances though. A bloke alone, boozed up, hotel room - he’s not researching for a bloody book is he? He’s looking for a transaction. Because he can.

Sorry OP, I would be sick to my stomach too.

NonPlayerCharacter · 20/12/2024 11:54

notamerrychist · 20/12/2024 11:06

I don't understand why he would chuck a perfectly lovely marriage away. We were "that" couple of being genuinely happy. I don't understand it at all

You know something, I know we have a load of men posting on the site, often not admitting that they're men but they plainly are. They're always going on about reversing the sexes and complaining that a forum of mostly women focuses on women's interests.

So here's your chance, fellas. Yet another woman married to a man who claims to love her and doesn't want to let her go, and yet is seriously interested in fucking around if he hasn't already. We have threads All. The. Time. from women in this position, often with children, and these men who apparently love them and don't want to lose them, and yet they do this, often with women they don't even give a shit about. For once, we do actually want to listen to what you have to say. Why? Just why?

Happycyclist · 20/12/2024 11:55

I disagree with many folks here ....
In some circumstances, people just look. How much do they charge? What services do they offer? How does it all work? are there any brothels in my local town and where are they?
I have looked up stuff like that and I most certainly was not looking to book anything.

You have to think about what his situation was and what his motive was.
You know him better than any of us!

BringMeTea · 20/12/2024 11:55

He is a lying scumbag. Low quality specimen. Get rid of him, Let him see the consequences. 💐

Mrsttcno1 · 20/12/2024 11:56

Happycyclist · 20/12/2024 11:55

I disagree with many folks here ....
In some circumstances, people just look. How much do they charge? What services do they offer? How does it all work? are there any brothels in my local town and where are they?
I have looked up stuff like that and I most certainly was not looking to book anything.

You have to think about what his situation was and what his motive was.
You know him better than any of us!

You think men who are alone, away from home for the night in a hotel room, after drinking at a Christmas party, are looking out of sheer curiosity? Bless you

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 20/12/2024 11:58

Porn wouldn’t bother me, but escorts is a hard no. That’s disgusting. Imagine what disease he could be bringing home to you.

The PP who suggested an STD test is right; there’s nothing to suggest this was the first time.

plasticflower · 20/12/2024 11:58

I imagine he'll turn up with a bunch of flowers and some sorry arse apology plus more denial and deflection. Throw in the fact that it's nearly Christmas and compulsory family fun is on the cards are you likely to tell him to GTF? Of course, if you're angry at him for long enough he'll change his tune ...it's all in the script. What do you want to do?

LittleGreenDragons · 20/12/2024 11:59

This won't be the first time he's done this, you can bet your last penny on that. So the real question will be - do you think you will ever be able to trust him in future? If there is no trust then a relationship cannot survive or flourish.

MyPithyPoster · 20/12/2024 11:59

I am not a man. But after nearly 50 years on this planet, I can conclude.
They don’t want family life they get pushed into it coerced into it because they feel it’s something they should do and because financially it splits the housing burden these days at least until they have children and even then most are shielded from the true cost of setting up a home and providing for their own kids.
A brilliant example being a close relative who would swear on a Bible they go 50-50 in that house. But he’s never bought a stick of furniture. The table they eat on, the bed they sleep on the pillows the towels. It’s all been bought by her out of her disposable income.
If we all stood firm and insisted they pay half towards Everything most of them wouldn’t then see it was in their benefit to bother so they wouldn’t.

Nothing highlights this more than when you get to a divorce court. And the assets are split. The years of providing them with a comfortable life count for shit.
That’s my conclusion.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 20/12/2024 12:00

It's only been two years and by the sounds of things you have no children. Get out now before you become trapped by the guilt of breaking up a family. This won't be the first time and once you've got young kids it will only get worse.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 12:01

The porn wouldn't bother me, however the escort website would be the end for me, that's a major line crossed. Sorry, OP, he's a shit 😞

BIossomtoes · 20/12/2024 12:01

TwigletsAndRadishes · 20/12/2024 12:00

It's only been two years and by the sounds of things you have no children. Get out now before you become trapped by the guilt of breaking up a family. This won't be the first time and once you've got young kids it will only get worse.

This. After just two years I’d be cutting my losses and getting out. Unless this is how you want to spend the rest of your married life.

fruitbrewhaha · 20/12/2024 12:01

MyPithyPoster · 20/12/2024 11:59

I am not a man. But after nearly 50 years on this planet, I can conclude.
They don’t want family life they get pushed into it coerced into it because they feel it’s something they should do and because financially it splits the housing burden these days at least until they have children and even then most are shielded from the true cost of setting up a home and providing for their own kids.
A brilliant example being a close relative who would swear on a Bible they go 50-50 in that house. But he’s never bought a stick of furniture. The table they eat on, the bed they sleep on the pillows the towels. It’s all been bought by her out of her disposable income.
If we all stood firm and insisted they pay half towards Everything most of them wouldn’t then see it was in their benefit to bother so they wouldn’t.

Nothing highlights this more than when you get to a divorce court. And the assets are split. The years of providing them with a comfortable life count for shit.
That’s my conclusion.

Eh? In my experience of friends and relatives this is not how finances operate in our relationships. In fact most of the DHs I know are funding the lifestyles.

MsNik · 20/12/2024 12:03

I would be out. No excuse for looking up escorts. I also don't agree that the porn is a non issue. It's so normalised that men think it's how real women behave/have sex so it's hardly surprising he's looking at escorts as he'll see them as a commodity.

You deserve better.

fruitbrewhaha · 20/12/2024 12:05

I wouldn’t immediately assume from this he has slept with a prostitute. It’s all a bit grim and not something I’d like in my DP. But only you know him and what he’s capable of. It sounds like you don’t trust him which is a major issue. So your marriage may be over even if he didn’t do it. But he could be telling the truth.

Biroclicker · 20/12/2024 12:07

Get rid. Imagine having to spend years wondering if he or you went out he's off with escorts and then having to have std tests every month. Gross.

MyPithyPoster · 20/12/2024 12:08

fruitbrewhaha · 20/12/2024 12:01

Eh? In my experience of friends and relatives this is not how finances operate in our relationships. In fact most of the DHs I know are funding the lifestyles.

Show quote history

How old are you?
As I say that’s what I see now amongst the younger generation of women.
Paying 50% of all the bills, 100 hundred percent of all of the childcare, hundred percent of everything the baby needs, hundred percent of all of the toys hundred percent of all of the clothes hundred percent of all of the soft furnishings.
Expected to be dressed like a Barbie doll, available for sex night and day oh and pull in 100 grand in salary as well.
And they usually look like the back end of a bus themselves these “men”
Once you start you can’t unsee it

Yellow38 · 20/12/2024 12:08

I'd be feeling sick to my stomach too. But you know him best and is there a chance he could've done it out of curiosity? Still not OK, particularly given the circumstances of being alone in a hotel room but doesn't necessarily mean he's acted on it or spoken/chatted to any?
Definitely a breach of trust but if he was willing to work on proving himself innocent (eg access to everything, therapy with me) and it was all clean and he was really working hard to regain my trust (just for the search alone) I'd probably give him a chance to prove himself and see how I feel about the situation again in time. Doesn't mean I'd forgive him or not divorce in time maybe, but depends how it'd all go in the next few weeks and months and how I'd feel throughout that process.
I'd definitely be upset and angry and sick to my stomach.

Endofyear · 20/12/2024 12:09

So sorry OP 😞 that is just so unacceptable I don't think I could get past it and forgive. You don't Google local escorts unless you are looking to have sex with one. I would be like you, questioning if he's done this before when he's working away.

Nogaxeh · 20/12/2024 12:10

Maybe I'm being a bit naive, but I would have thought that there would be a bunch of men who look at escort sites just for the pictures, or who are curious, but are put off by a natural feeling of disgust.

All e-commerce sites will know that they lost a percentage of website visitors at all stages of the transaction, that people change their mind and don't go through with purchases. That won't be different with men looking at escort sites.

The problem will be that he can't prove he's never used a prostitute. So it comes down to a question of trust. And, understandably, you're going to find it hard to trust him.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 20/12/2024 12:12

MyPithyPoster · 20/12/2024 12:08

How old are you?
As I say that’s what I see now amongst the younger generation of women.
Paying 50% of all the bills, 100 hundred percent of all of the childcare, hundred percent of everything the baby needs, hundred percent of all of the toys hundred percent of all of the clothes hundred percent of all of the soft furnishings.
Expected to be dressed like a Barbie doll, available for sex night and day oh and pull in 100 grand in salary as well.
And they usually look like the back end of a bus themselves these “men”
Once you start you can’t unsee it

Show quote history

I don’t know a single couple who would fit this description.

ItGhoul · 20/12/2024 12:14

Mrsttcno1 · 20/12/2024 11:16

You don’t. That’s the simple answer. A man on his own in a hotel room doesn’t just “have a look” at local escorts.

Show quote history

Honestly? People really do 'have a look' at that sort of thing all the time, out of curiosity. I've Googled a sex club near where I live. I've no interest in going there. It looks hideous. But I was curious about what went on there, the kind of people who go there, etc. I've also idly looked at male escort sites. Again, I've no intention of ever in a million years using a male escort. If I've done that sort of thing as a woman, I don't really see why a man wouldn't do the same.

Obviously we have no idea whether the OP's husband was or wasn't serious about paying for sex, or whether he actually did pay for sex - but it's perfectly plausible that he was 'just looking'. It's also plausible that he wasn't. But we really do have no idea.

MyPithyPoster · 20/12/2024 12:14

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 20/12/2024 12:12

I don’t know a single couple who would fit this description.

Show quote history

Well, perhaps they don’t tell you.
I only know because she was disgruntled and then I started to think back and realised. Yes actually there’s been a few scenarios like that. Only ever comes out after they’ve split up.