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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fucking heartbroken

101 replies

notamerrychist · 20/12/2024 11:02

So my husband of 2 years, together for 6 had his Christmas night out last night and stayed in a hotel around 40 mins away from home as the party was closer to his work so he was staying over and then just driving straight to work this morning.

We share an iPad and the account is linked to the account on his phone. This morning I found that he was watching porn, I don't care for this although it's a bit gross to do it at work but nobody else would have been around him at least. But he had also been searching for an escort in the same town as his work.

This has made me feel sick to my stomach. He used to work away for years so now all sorts of things are going through my head. I confronted him and he tried to deny it and said it was just an ad on the porn site. and then admitted to googling it but came off. By why even look in the first place unless he genuinely wanted to pay for one? Which is just vile to me.

He's now on his way home from work and I don't even want to see him. Why do this to your wife?

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 20/12/2024 12:14

I was you a few years ago OP, he started with porn watching, then that progressed to webcams, then escorts, and eventually in the middle of all that a four year on-off affair with a co-worker. I found out in dribs and drabs what was going on, he wouldn't admit to anything unless I had proof in front of him. Over an 18 month period he had joined 27 no strings attached hook-up sites and (drum roll please) submitted an application to an pornography website to be an adult film "actor". All this after 16 years together, my advice based on this experience is leave. It took me almost three years to find out as much as I did and I don't think I ever reached the bottom of the barrel on it. During that three years I was on sleeping tablets, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds, I lost so much weight people thought I was ill but not telling them. I was in counseling as it felt like I was completely losing touch with reality, he was so effectively gaslighting me I was a mental wreck. My advice is to leave before he drags you down with him.

Please feel free to PM me if you need anything, best of luck.

Worldgonecrazy · 20/12/2024 12:14

The porn would bother me. What man can get off on watching women coerced / transited into the porn industry. Much porn is women being abused. There is no excuse these days for not being aware of what porn actually is. That would be enough for me.

I also doubt he was ‘just looking’.

BIossomtoes · 20/12/2024 12:16

Yellow38 · 20/12/2024 12:08

I'd be feeling sick to my stomach too. But you know him best and is there a chance he could've done it out of curiosity? Still not OK, particularly given the circumstances of being alone in a hotel room but doesn't necessarily mean he's acted on it or spoken/chatted to any?
Definitely a breach of trust but if he was willing to work on proving himself innocent (eg access to everything, therapy with me) and it was all clean and he was really working hard to regain my trust (just for the search alone) I'd probably give him a chance to prove himself and see how I feel about the situation again in time. Doesn't mean I'd forgive him or not divorce in time maybe, but depends how it'd all go in the next few weeks and months and how I'd feel throughout that process.
I'd definitely be upset and angry and sick to my stomach.

Sounds too much like hard work to me. I wouldn’t go into therapy because my bloke had a weakness for porn and escorts. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

RatInADollhouse · 20/12/2024 12:19

fruitbrewhaha · 20/12/2024 12:01

Eh? In my experience of friends and relatives this is not how finances operate in our relationships. In fact most of the DHs I know are funding the lifestyles.

Show quote history

Me too. MN is full of cocklodger posts but IRL most every couple I know (including DH and me) has a higher-earning husband who takes care of most/all of the expenses. It's also very unusual in my circles to have separate finances in a marriage but that seems common on MN too 🤷🏻‍♀️. Of course that doesn't mean things are equal. Most of the women are running themselves ragged with wifework and carrying the mental load even if they have demanding jobs outside the home.

poemsandwine · 20/12/2024 12:21

There is no way I wouldn't be wondering how often he's had escorts when away with work. I'm sorry, but I would get an STD check.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 20/12/2024 12:23

MyPithyPoster · 20/12/2024 12:14

Well, perhaps they don’t tell you.
I only know because she was disgruntled and then I started to think back and realised. Yes actually there’s been a few scenarios like that. Only ever comes out after they’ve split up.

Show quote history

Weird.

StormingNorman · 20/12/2024 12:23

Could the escort search just be curiosity perhaps after seeing an ad? Huge lapse of judgement still but if there was no intention to go through with it, I might be able to forgive.

I have sometimes clicked on ads out of sheer curiosity but knowing I’d never buy. Not for anything like this though.

Do you want to speak to him or would you rather he planned to stay with a friend tonight? You get to call the shots.

MyPithyPoster · 20/12/2024 12:27

RatInADollhouse · 20/12/2024 12:19

Me too. MN is full of cocklodger posts but IRL most every couple I know (including DH and me) has a higher-earning husband who takes care of most/all of the expenses. It's also very unusual in my circles to have separate finances in a marriage but that seems common on MN too 🤷🏻‍♀️. Of course that doesn't mean things are equal. Most of the women are running themselves ragged with wifework and carrying the mental load even if they have demanding jobs outside the home.

Show quote history

it’s not exactly a topic for polite conversation in most circles is it ? in the event and when it’s happening at the time.
That’s my conclusion. Most men just want to have sex with people male and female without any emotional involvement ties responsibilities or accountability.

MaggieFS · 20/12/2024 12:27

I agree with pp that it's very plausible to be looking this sort of thing up with no intention of following through. Goodness knows that if I ever get arrested, there's some odd stuff in my search history because I'm always curious... if there's a news report on the tele, chances are I'm looking at maps of where things have happened, reading gory details, all sorts.

BUT the happenstance of OP's DH being away from home, having been on a night out, looking at porn AND THEN looking for escorts in THAT town feels like too for me.

I would give him a chance to explain himself, but trust would have to be hard won back. It very much depends on what he says, but I'm not sure I'd jump straight to marriage ending for something that didn't happen. Equally though I'd be worried if he's worked away a lot, has this been a regular thing. It could have been, but it could have been the first time after a boozy Xmas do. I really feel for you, OP, what a horrible situation.

MaggieFS · 20/12/2024 12:28

Sorry, middle paragraph should have said "too much for me".

coldcallerbaiter · 20/12/2024 12:33

ChateauMargaux · 20/12/2024 11:23

Another normal man with a happy life who will exploit wome 's bodies without a second thought when he believes no one is watching. Porn normalises these actions, thoughts, desires and actuLly fuels and feeds these responses. I do think porn is a threat to your marriage, a threat to women and a threat to respectful interactions between men and women.

My positione is informex by my current emotiinal state. I am shocked by recent court cases in France where I live... where a group of middle aged international rugby players gang raped a woman who woke up with a crutch in her vagina and yesterday 50 ordinary men were found guilty of raping a sleeping woman. Theywould not have been brought to justice had her husband not filmed it all.

Porn is a threat to all women.

Omg this this this
Women are being told to get used to it and accept it.

Yellow38 · 20/12/2024 12:34

BIossomtoes · 20/12/2024 12:16

Sounds too much like hard work to me. I wouldn’t go into therapy because my bloke had a weakness for porn and escorts. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Show quote history

I agree, it'd be very hard work. But it's probably work that I'd be willing to do with my husband (married for 10 years) if it was just a search, because I'd think that I know him and this would be out of character and I'd have no other proof or trust issues and crucially, HE was putting in loads and loads of work in rebuilding my trust in him.
I'd have to rethink all of this if he had tried to chat to escorts online let alone anything more.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/12/2024 12:35

ItGhoul · 20/12/2024 12:14

Honestly? People really do 'have a look' at that sort of thing all the time, out of curiosity. I've Googled a sex club near where I live. I've no interest in going there. It looks hideous. But I was curious about what went on there, the kind of people who go there, etc. I've also idly looked at male escort sites. Again, I've no intention of ever in a million years using a male escort. If I've done that sort of thing as a woman, I don't really see why a man wouldn't do the same.

Obviously we have no idea whether the OP's husband was or wasn't serious about paying for sex, or whether he actually did pay for sex - but it's perfectly plausible that he was 'just looking'. It's also plausible that he wasn't. But we really do have no idea.

Show quote history

Again- a man alone drunk in a hotel room isn’t randomly browsing local escorts out of innocent curiosity 😂

twentysevendresses · 20/12/2024 12:37

u3ername · 20/12/2024 11:24

I don't know. May be, the porn made him think 'mhm... are there actual escorts locally, how easy is it to contact one, and how much does it cost these days'- just curiosity with zero interest to follow up... I don't know.
The porn watching does give me the eek to start with.

Oh come on! 🤣

coldcallerbaiter · 20/12/2024 12:37

notamerrychist · 20/12/2024 11:06

I don't understand why he would chuck a perfectly lovely marriage away. We were "that" couple of being genuinely happy. I don't understand it at all

This is a trap. You believe what suits you. The ‘that couple’ means nothing, a man who either wants to cheat at some point or does, is the norm. Complacent posters that say not my dh are deluded - that stops you being vigilant.

Online is putting it in their lap, and that convenience is different from having to go and seek it in the real world.

poemsandwine · 20/12/2024 12:38

ChateauMargaux · 20/12/2024 11:23

Another normal man with a happy life who will exploit wome 's bodies without a second thought when he believes no one is watching. Porn normalises these actions, thoughts, desires and actuLly fuels and feeds these responses. I do think porn is a threat to your marriage, a threat to women and a threat to respectful interactions between men and women.

My positione is informex by my current emotiinal state. I am shocked by recent court cases in France where I live... where a group of middle aged international rugby players gang raped a woman who woke up with a crutch in her vagina and yesterday 50 ordinary men were found guilty of raping a sleeping woman. Theywould not have been brought to justice had her husband not filmed it all.

Porn is a threat to all women.

Agree. You just never know. It's terrifying.

twentysevendresses · 20/12/2024 12:40

Happycyclist · 20/12/2024 11:55

I disagree with many folks here ....
In some circumstances, people just look. How much do they charge? What services do they offer? How does it all work? are there any brothels in my local town and where are they?
I have looked up stuff like that and I most certainly was not looking to book anything.

You have to think about what his situation was and what his motive was.
You know him better than any of us!

His 'situation' was that he was away from home, in a hotel, boozed up. He wasn't researching for his dissertation now was he?? 🤦‍♀️

Allthehorsesintheworld · 20/12/2024 12:40

Can you be sure this is the first time? If he’s engaged with escorts before I think you need STI tests.
Sorry, last thing you want to hear.

rainbowstardrops · 20/12/2024 12:43

I'd not only be wondering if he'd done this on his other work trips but also that he's lying to you now and he did meet up with an escort.
Whether he did or didn't, the trust would be gone for me.

Movinginthesunlight · 20/12/2024 12:45

ChateauMargaux · 20/12/2024 11:23

Another normal man with a happy life who will exploit wome 's bodies without a second thought when he believes no one is watching. Porn normalises these actions, thoughts, desires and actuLly fuels and feeds these responses. I do think porn is a threat to your marriage, a threat to women and a threat to respectful interactions between men and women.

My positione is informex by my current emotiinal state. I am shocked by recent court cases in France where I live... where a group of middle aged international rugby players gang raped a woman who woke up with a crutch in her vagina and yesterday 50 ordinary men were found guilty of raping a sleeping woman. Theywould not have been brought to justice had her husband not filmed it all.

Porn is a threat to all women.

I'm in 100% agreement with this.

Oreyt · 20/12/2024 12:51

I never understand why people share iPads with one account though.

I've read this too many times.

Also how does it work?

I mean do you log into safari and click history to see what they've been looking at or does everything the person does on the phone come up on the iPad?

Mrsttcno1 · 20/12/2024 13:13

Oreyt · 20/12/2024 12:51

I never understand why people share iPads with one account though.

I've read this too many times.

Also how does it work?

I mean do you log into safari and click history to see what they've been looking at or does everything the person does on the phone come up on the iPad?

We have it set up on our iPad and it doesn’t come up on the iPad but if you look in the history you can see what was searched for.

Jostuki · 20/12/2024 13:15

notamerrychist · 20/12/2024 11:15

I just keep getting "I didn't want to do it I was just looking" back from him. Why would you look if you weren't considering it ....

Why escorts though when there millions of free images of women in all states of undress, free porn sites such as porn hun etc if he needed a visual image to masturbate to?

He's a liar.

IdylicDay · 20/12/2024 13:56

I don't understand women who say "the porn doesn't bother me". Its been shown that most porn is by trafficking women and many are raped, and/or forced into it. Its an evil practice and being ok with it defies reality and decency on every single level. There is never any good that comes from viewing porn. Ever.

MyPithyPoster · 20/12/2024 13:59

IdylicDay · 20/12/2024 13:56

I don't understand women who say "the porn doesn't bother me". Its been shown that most porn is by trafficking women and many are raped, and/or forced into it. Its an evil practice and being ok with it defies reality and decency on every single level. There is never any good that comes from viewing porn. Ever.

They like to tell themselves that the women are all voluntarily loving it and being paid an absolute fortune.
Even the ones that are apparently absolutely loving it and being paid an absolute fortune have serious mental health issues and a horrifying rate of suicide.

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