Bf on works Xmas do but not texting me

[Beepop22]

He’s been out since 3pm and was texting me up until around 8:30pm now it’s 11:30pm and complete silence but yet he keeps appearing online ?????? He does this everytime he goes out ? Is this strange

there's a life beyond your BF, you need to get one. I'm sure there's something good on telly.

Hello. I remember this kind of insecurity about people when I was dating. There usually was something about the guy and the relationship that made me feel like I’m not on solid ground. And there generally was good reason for this feeling. Maybe this is what is happening to you? I wouldn’t necessarily put this all down to your BPD. When I met my husband it wasn’t like this at all. I never had any doubt about him. Anyway, just some thoughts. Best wishes.

It’s very teenage to expect your partner to text you on a night out, either with friends or work.

I had my work Christmas party a couple of weeks ago. Didn’t text my husband all day whilst working, then straight on to the party where I didn’t text him (because I was socialising with colleagues, and going on your phone when socialising is rude), finally text him when I got back to my hotel room at 11:30pm to just say good night!

Perhaps ask Father Christmas to leave you a grip under the tree

This. I wouldn't expect my husband to keep texting me when out on a work do.

I was out for hours on Saturday and DH had gone out to see his DSis. Just checked and he sent me one message to say that he'd arrived home safely and I acknowledged it but that was it, I was busy chatting to friends. Everything (and everyone) else can wait.

Surely that's what you do when there's trust?

Does he react you when you go out with your DFriends?

God, how needy! He shouldn't be texting you he should be enjoying the company of the people he's out with. Ridiculous on your part.

OP has already accepted the way they feel is an issue, and explained they have BPD. So I think that last comment was actually quite nasty and unnecessary.

Good god, yet another DH/BF staying out late on a works Xmas do AIBU 🤣. There must be one every couple of days.

Op, he’s on a works do, stop being weird and let him enjoy his night out. On the rare occasion I go out, I don’t constantly text my DH. And I’d be pretty pissed off if he was expecting regular updates like he’s my bloody keeper

nearly came on here to say you sound like me and i have bpd then saw your update that you do too. it’s so hard. i know exactly how you feel, but i just try to tell myself it is what it is. don’t expect the worst, but if the worst happens it just is what it is. i get you though, i lost a relationship due to my paranoia about these things

Why is this an issue?! He’s out, probably pissed and having a good time. Unless you don’t trust him and think he’s going at it hammer and tongs with someone from the office why does it matter? Even if he’s doing that the odd text won’t matter.

Hey OP, guessing you haven't been going out long? This is a normal feeling to worry in the early stages when you're trying to figure out if the relationship is serious or not. As long as you don't act on it or let it affect your mental health - it's ok to accept you don't know someone very well and will worry, but unless they've done something wrong you need to take them at their word. It's not BPD specific, it's new relationship specific.

I believe trust needs to be earned before you give yourself fully to anyone. Everyone's great on dates and the early stages as they try to impress - but with time and moving back to normal life you get a glimpse into what someone is like. And you can decide if you want to be with them or not. I think people behaviour on nights out is a great indicator of personality. I've seen the nicest, friendliest guys become belligerent dick heads after a few pints. I've seen very reserved men become affectionate and chatty after a few drinks. Men who spend their time on a night out talking about their amazing new gf and she's the one they want to marry, and men who get Dutch courage to mesg and old flame or see what's on Tinder.

My exH would mesg me regularly on nights out but often stay out all night, do drugs and showed up in the early hours wasted. My current DH doesn't mesg me at all during a night out until he lets me know he's en route home and never gets wasted, does drugs or stays out all night. Neither cheated nor made me feel insecure or question things. And as the relationship got more serious and i established their patterns and character, I didn't worry or wonder anymore.

It's harder to trust your instinct with BPD but don't ignore it completely, trust but verify. If he goes out a lot and is always AWOL all night, forget whether he's cheating, do you want that lifestyle? If it's this once Xmas works do and a rare occasion then you might find it easier to live with. So just observe over the next months how you feel around him and whether his lifestyle is compatible with yours for the long run.

I never text on a night out. I never expect texts on DH night out. Actually it would annoy me. Enjoy who you’re with and leave me in peace to watch crap on tv and eat chocolate and crisps rather than coking a meal.
it’s very needy behaviour on both parts to expect it and to do it. Not attractive.

Ok. I’ve actually read your updates and I think I’ve been too harsh. Apologies. I didn’t realise there was more to your story or you had BPD. I went off first post. So on second go, I would say. He doesn’t sound great at making you feel emotionally secure. A good guy does. That means when they go out and you would have the usual scenario where you might fell anxious, you don’t. Because the groundwork is there from the good guy that makes you know deep inside how important you are to them and they don’t play games with your feelings. Therefore you don’t care when you don’t hear from them and you both trust each other implicitly and rightly so. Throw this one back in the sea and wait, you’ll find a good one if you believe that’s what you are worth and don’t accept any chancers.

I've just caught up on the thread and obviously your BPD is a mitigating factor so I say this with kindness and understanding that it's not simple..... but the detail that you don't live together really stood out for me.

I think generally if you're on a night out and not going back to that person's house you would expect to have zero contact with them! Lots of texts when I'm not even expecting to see them that day would be so smothering for most people.

But I also agree with @Calamitousness

I think I would end a relationship if someone was expecting me to text all the time, even on a work night out, and checking up on whether I was online or not.

Does no one nowadays leave their boyfriends or husbands to enjoy a night out anymore, Jesus wept

Don't do this. End the relationship like a grown-up, then work on yourself.

Relationship is going nowhere if you need to be this clingy.

He is either making you suspicious in general for you to act this way = get rid

Or

You have unresolved trust issues that will drive him away anyway.

Be honest with yourself which is it. Act on the answer.

He’s obviously not dead as showing online.

I don’t think adults need to keep texting each other on a night out.

OP you are not mentally or emotionally in the right place for a relationship. This level of paranoia and checking is really off the scale.

You are not “toxic” and you shouldn’t talk about yourself like that. But you are not robust enough, and you need counseling to work out why this is the case.

If someone is on a night out there is literally nothing you can do to control their behavior and nor should you. People are autonomous and need to be able to choose what they do or don’t do. Nine times out of ten they won’t be shagging around or misbehaving but if they are there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. Texting one another wouldn’t stop that happening and if it did happen it wouldn’t be because he didn’t text you.

You have to take a step back and learn how to reframe this in your head. If you’re not ready (and I don’t think you are) maybe put a pause on it and reassess when you are. At the moment you are sabotaging the relationship and he will quickly come to resent this level of control. So stop doing it to both of you. Go and get some help and think about what you need.

Another woman sat at home, by her phone, waiting for a text
OP please step away from this relationship for his sake

Stop being so needy.

This! Ill never understand this urge to be in constant contact when you other half is on a night out.

I go out/DH goes out. We might text/call if it requires it or we might not. We're both sensible adults that can be trusted to go out, enjoy our evening and make our way home unscathed.

You don't live together. When I had a BF who I didn't live with I didn't even know he was on a Christmas night out until he mentioned it a few days later,