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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Normal behaviour for a manager?

77 replies

Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 17:37

Hi ladies, just wondering what your thoughts are regarding my situation. I've never been a manager before and probably don't understand the stresses that come with that, so perhaps I'm being unfair.

Around 7 months ago the company I work for merged with another company (American company bought us, both based in the UK) and as a result there were many leavers and voluntary redundancies. My manager and team (excluding myself and 1 other person) found other jobs so we now have a new team who were all employed by the other company.

It's been difficult to say the least, especially since my colleague (from the old team) went on maternity leave just as we transitioned, so I basically had to go through the change, settle into the new team by myself. She is due back in Feb. They are still reviewing our contracts as we were TUPE'd over and we will probably receive an update next year. For context, my company were all remote and they were hybrid. They all live fairly close to the head office and we all live in different parts of the country and never had a main base (our home address is our main base)

Anyway, I'm really struggling to gel with my new manager and in all honesty I find his management style a bit odd. I was very close to my old manager as were the rest of the team. He was very caring and always supported us (in work and with any personal issues). He always checked in to make sure we were ok, supported us, took an interest in us. He was a fantastic manager. We spoke most days, even if it was just to check in (never micromanaged us in any way) but he really cared about us and made sure we were a priority.

My new manager is nothing like that. I barely speak to him, sometimes going weeks (think the longest was 3). He never checks in, only messages me or the team when he needs us to action something. He’s ignored my emails on a few occasions, it’s difficult to get any support from him. Luckily I can manage my own workload and don’t need support that often but still. I think I’ve spoken to him roughly 6-7 times since May and some of those meetings were mandatory. I don’t think he even knows much about me, he’s certainly never taken an interest. I recently met up with the team (had to travel 4 hours) and was quite nervous as this was the first time meeting them in person. I thought he might have checked in the day before to see if I was ok travelling there but nothing. He barely spoke to me on the day and never bothered to ask if I got home safely when we left. He’s like that with everyone though, so I don’t think it’s personal. He’s just clearly not very close to the team. The rest of them don’t seem to be care, but clearly that’s what their use to. I’m able to compare and I don’t think it’s normal.

I’m not sure why it bothers me so much, obviously it’s great that he doesn’t micromanage but I also don’t think it’s normal to not speak to your team for weeks on end.

Sorry this is long, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Tiswa · 19/12/2024 17:40

it all sounds very normal for a US company so I suspect processes and managerial requirements have changed

yiur old boss sounds great but not the norm on my experience anymore haven’t had a boss like that for awhile - nowadays it is exactly as you say

Original poster
Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 17:43

@Tiswa sorry, I've probably not explained myself very well. My manager is based in the UK. He is from the company that we merged with. Basically the US company bought 2 UK companies. We don't have much to do with the US team as they work on a different system etc

OP posts:
Tiswa · 19/12/2024 17:52

It does very much sound like the new US model of management to me and is fairly normal - mergers tend to create more people
to manage etc. Before I went freelance my career had managers like your old one at the start but very much like your new by the end

DemonicCaveMaggot · 19/12/2024 17:56

I worked for a US company in the US and my managers left me to get on with it pretty much. I was an engineer and they weren't which might have had something to do with it. I moved from one role into something completely new in the same company, and from managing one person to managing 35 - I didn't see my boss for 6 weeks.

I don't think it's a great management technique but it's a technique. I'd rather that than being micromanaged.

anniegun · 19/12/2024 17:57

He sounds like a poor manager but there is little you can do about that. You could ask him for regular catch-ups. It may be that he is just not good at understanding what you need and could do with a prompt. Remote working exacerbates issues like this unfortunately.

Mollzzie · 19/12/2024 18:00

It sounds like you had too much contact with your previous manager. And this manager not enough. Somewhere in the middle feels more healthy. I wouldn't expect someone to be checking I've made it home OK.

Arlanymor · 19/12/2024 18:02

Two things occur here - one that you will probably agree with and one that you might not. I’m a manager of many years for context.

You’ve gone through a massive upheaval which is destabilising in and of itself. During which time you will have been worried about your role and now that the dust has settled it feels very weird and still not entirely comfortable, particularly as your other colleague won’t be working with you again until the new year. In the old company your boss sounds like they provided a lot of pastoral care - which isn’t a bad thing per se, but takes a lot of time and energy for a manager to provide. So you would have had an easier transition to this new state of play under their stewardship.

So far, so fair?

You might like the next bit less… but we all have different managerial styles. I am a lot like your old boss, but your new boss is trying to get the job done while operating in this new environment which must, for them, be much more stressful as they have to make this merger/takeover work. So their head is in strategy and performance land. You must be doing well because they do not feel the need to check in with you all the time - although if you want more 1:1 time you have a right to ask for this - and they probably assume because you WFH that you have a degree of personal autonomy already. I have a colleague who won’t take the train after dark on the (once a year) occasion she has to travel. I line manage her and have to drive her there and back to her house - it’s a complete pain and deep down I resent going out of my way for someone who is a mid thirties adult with two children, but I inherited her as an employee and it’s the only way to deal with it currently. I’m not saying you are like that at all, but I regularly drive eight hours every other month for work and don’t expect anyone to check in with me. Was it the distance or because you were meeting new people? Either way your boss is treating you as an adult - if you need more support in any way, including emotional, then you need to ask.

I’m not trying to be harsh at all, just I’ve seen this a lot in my career - some people need more and different things from you as a manager. If it’s not working for you, you need to ask. Also I hope that you know TUPE only applies on the day of transfer so when you get your new contract please make sure you go through it with a fine toothcomb.

Original poster
Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 18:04

@Mollzzie it's my fault for making it sound like that but we only spoke once or twice a week. Certainly not every day.

I was the only one that had to travel that far (the rest of the team live 10 minutes from the office) perhaps that's why I thought he would check in to make sure I got home ok.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 19/12/2024 18:07

Arlanymor · 19/12/2024 18:02

Two things occur here - one that you will probably agree with and one that you might not. I’m a manager of many years for context.

You’ve gone through a massive upheaval which is destabilising in and of itself. During which time you will have been worried about your role and now that the dust has settled it feels very weird and still not entirely comfortable, particularly as your other colleague won’t be working with you again until the new year. In the old company your boss sounds like they provided a lot of pastoral care - which isn’t a bad thing per se, but takes a lot of time and energy for a manager to provide. So you would have had an easier transition to this new state of play under their stewardship.

So far, so fair?

You might like the next bit less… but we all have different managerial styles. I am a lot like your old boss, but your new boss is trying to get the job done while operating in this new environment which must, for them, be much more stressful as they have to make this merger/takeover work. So their head is in strategy and performance land. You must be doing well because they do not feel the need to check in with you all the time - although if you want more 1:1 time you have a right to ask for this - and they probably assume because you WFH that you have a degree of personal autonomy already. I have a colleague who won’t take the train after dark on the (once a year) occasion she has to travel. I line manage her and have to drive her there and back to her house - it’s a complete pain and deep down I resent going out of my way for someone who is a mid thirties adult with two children, but I inherited her as an employee and it’s the only way to deal with it currently. I’m not saying you are like that at all, but I regularly drive eight hours every other month for work and don’t expect anyone to check in with me. Was it the distance or because you were meeting new people? Either way your boss is treating you as an adult - if you need more support in any way, including emotional, then you need to ask.

I’m not trying to be harsh at all, just I’ve seen this a lot in my career - some people need more and different things from you as a manager. If it’s not working for you, you need to ask. Also I hope that you know TUPE only applies on the day of transfer so when you get your new contract please make sure you go through it with a fine toothcomb.

Sorry by eight hours I mean four hours there and four back - which I think is the situation you outlined? I drive far more than eight hours in an average week!

TheDandyLion · 19/12/2024 18:08

If he isn't going to take the lead then it gives you the opportunity to manage up. If you know what your general and daily tasks are then just get on with them and give him the status update of what you've done. If you don't know what your actions are ask him directly or take the initive to make decitions. If he wants to be more hands on he'll need to speak up. If you want a more caring or nurturing relationship with a work collegue then I would look to somoene else in your team for that support.

HundredMilesAnHour · 19/12/2024 18:10

I can't imagine any job where your manager checks you got home okay. You're an adult. I think you're expecting way too much here.

It sounds like the culture of the other company is very different to what you're used to. That's tough for you but the culture doesn't sound wildly different to many organisations. Unfortunately I think you just need to adjust to the new (to you) way of working. That's life I'm afraid. It's tough when you're the only one going through it in your team but try to think of it as a new job rather than comparing to your previous job and manager (as no good will come of that).

And be grateful you don't have a micro-manager. It could actually be a lot worse!

Onabench · 19/12/2024 18:14

Do you not have regular 121s? I'd find that odd. I don't think you should be a people manager if you can't be arsed to prioritise investing in your team

Original poster
Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 18:17

@Arlanymor thank you for your reply. I don't think what you've said is harsh.

I agree it's great that he obviously trusts me to get the job done and doesn't feel the need to micromanage or check my work, but I do think theres a middle ground.

"Was it the distance or because you were meeting new people? Either way your boss is treating you as an adult - if you need more support in any way, including emotional, then you need to ask."

Both. I was nervous/anxious as everyone already knew each other and the distance. I was the only one that had to travel that far (everyone else lives 10 minutes away)

OP posts:
Original poster
Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 18:19

@Onabench no we don't have regular catch ups. I have an end of review meeting with him but that's at the end of January.

OP posts:
Randomname83738 · 19/12/2024 18:20

I’ve come from a background of having a brilliant manager, let me get on with things while offer a safety net in the background. Regular catch ups, joint working etc. we still stay in touch now.

my current manager I have had two one on one meetings with in over two years. I send him reports to authorise once a month. I work from home, so that is the extent of my interaction with him. he’s very hands off, to put it lightly!!

would I prefer a relationship like I had with my previous manager? Sure! But can I still do my work effectively with my current manager - also yes.

if your manager is providing the feedback/support you need to do your job effectively, they’re okay (even if they aren’t doing all the extra stuff). It’s not clear from your post whether you are getting what you need to do your job effectively - you mentioned some missed email chains. I wouldn’t expect my employer to check in with me about travel to and from a meeting, as an aside.

Original poster
Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 18:22

@HundredMilesAnHour I know I'm an adult and I don't expect to be mollycoddled, nor do I want to be, but I was the only one driving an 8 hour round trip that day (everyone else lives 10 minutes away). It was also my first time meeting him and the team. Surely you can see the difference?

OP posts:
Aduvetday · 19/12/2024 18:24

You sound really needy. This would do my head in. Your previous manager sounds way too over invested. To the point it may have crossed professional boundaries. You are expecting far too much.

Original poster
Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 18:26

@Randomname83738 yes, there have been a few occasions where I've had to chase for support (emailed 2-3 times) and I basically gave up as I couldn't get an answer from him.

When I had introductory meetings with the team in May, a couple of them said to me that he's difficult to get a hold of and sometimes takes 4-5 days to respond to an email or just doesn't respond at all.

OP posts:
DoYouReally · 19/12/2024 18:28

@Drpepper67 why would you not be OK or get home OK?

The majority of people are OK and do travel home safely.

I would take it as a given unless I heard otherwise.

I think your previous manager has been far too involved and lax on professional boundaries.

Great interaction and 1:1s might be an idea but the rest of what you would like/expect seems excessive.

Original poster
Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 18:28

@Aduvetday oh dear. I'm not needy at all, I think you've taken my post completely the wrong way.

OP posts:
Dotto · 19/12/2024 18:29

I also don't understand why the 4 hour each way commute necessitated you feeling nervous or for anyone to worry after you. Were you getting there via ski? Do you not travel at all?

Aduvetday · 19/12/2024 18:30

Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 18:28

@Aduvetday oh dear. I'm not needy at all, I think you've taken my post completely the wrong way.

I don’t think I have. Your requests are needy. Your old boss sounds like he crossed professional boundaries tbh.

Original poster
Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 18:31

@Dotto its a fully remote job so no I don't travel for work. I wasn't nervous about travelling, I was nervous about meeting the team for the first time. Isn't that normal?

OP posts:
Randomname83738 · 19/12/2024 18:31

Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 18:26

@Randomname83738 yes, there have been a few occasions where I've had to chase for support (emailed 2-3 times) and I basically gave up as I couldn't get an answer from him.

When I had introductory meetings with the team in May, a couple of them said to me that he's difficult to get a hold of and sometimes takes 4-5 days to respond to an email or just doesn't respond at all.

I think this is probably the bigger issue, if it’s work issues that need his input/authorisation.

i think the meeting contact etc is clouding the issue possibly and will be what a lot of people focus on as I don’t think most managers would probably check in in that situation.

Original poster
Drpepper67 · 19/12/2024 18:32

@Aduvetday I haven't spoken to him for about 4 weeks now so I'm not sure how I'm "needy" tbh

OP posts:
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