Normal behaviour for a manager?

[Drpepper67]

Hi ladies, just wondering what your thoughts are regarding my situation. I've never been a manager before and probably don't understand the stresses that come with that, so perhaps I'm being unfair.

Around 7 months ago the company I work for merged with another company (American company bought us, both based in the UK) and as a result there were many leavers and voluntary redundancies. My manager and team (excluding myself and 1 other person) found other jobs so we now have a new team who were all employed by the other company.

It's been difficult to say the least, especially since my colleague (from the old team) went on maternity leave just as we transitioned, so I basically had to go through the change, settle into the new team by myself. She is due back in Feb. They are still reviewing our contracts as we were TUPE'd over and we will probably receive an update next year. For context, my company were all remote and they were hybrid. They all live fairly close to the head office and we all live in different parts of the country and never had a main base (our home address is our main base)

Anyway, I'm really struggling to gel with my new manager and in all honesty I find his management style a bit odd. I was very close to my old manager as were the rest of the team. He was very caring and always supported us (in work and with any personal issues). He always checked in to make sure we were ok, supported us, took an interest in us. He was a fantastic manager. We spoke most days, even if it was just to check in (never micromanaged us in any way) but he really cared about us and made sure we were a priority.

My new manager is nothing like that. I barely speak to him, sometimes going weeks (think the longest was 3). He never checks in, only messages me or the team when he needs us to action something. He’s ignored my emails on a few occasions, it’s difficult to get any support from him. Luckily I can manage my own workload and don’t need support that often but still. I think I’ve spoken to him roughly 6-7 times since May and some of those meetings were mandatory. I don’t think he even knows much about me, he’s certainly never taken an interest. I recently met up with the team (had to travel 4 hours) and was quite nervous as this was the first time meeting them in person. I thought he might have checked in the day before to see if I was ok travelling there but nothing. He barely spoke to me on the day and never bothered to ask if I got home safely when we left. He’s like that with everyone though, so I don’t think it’s personal. He’s just clearly not very close to the team. The rest of them don’t seem to be care, but clearly that’s what their use to. I’m able to compare and I don’t think it’s normal.

I’m not sure why it bothers me so much, obviously it’s great that he doesn’t micromanage but I also don’t think it’s normal to not speak to your team for weeks on end.

Sorry this is long, but AIBU?

@Randomname83738 yes people love to pick at things on here, say one wrong thing and that's all they'll talk about now 🙈

@DoYouReally yes I got home safe. But as I've already explained, I'm the only person from the team that lives 4 hours away and it was also the first time I'd met any of them since we'd merged in May. I think it would have been nice just to check I was ok (before or after). I don't think that means I'm needy.

If you’re in a senior role I would say this is normal (in my industry it is anyway). If you’re unsupported to an extent you’re being held back from carrying out your job, then arrange a meeting and set that out to them. Otherwise and particularly given your relationship is new they might be trying not to micromanage where it’s not required.

I'd expect a good manager to have a standing 1:1 meeting with me, either weekly or fortnightly, they purpose is to keep each other apprised of the status of projects and business objectives.

I'd expect them to ask about my professional goals, though this often happens in performance management season, a good manager would show interest in my professional development throughout the year.

I would not expect personal support or contact for contact's sake (such as a call before traveling to a meeting).

If he’s not supplying regular (depending on both of your versions of regular) checkpoints then that is something that needs to be addressed. I have a formal 1:1 with my boss on a quarterly basis in person and we are both fully remote. But I speak to him a lot more than that just due to the nature of our work. I have a bi-monthly 1:1 with the people I line manage - one requires two hours on the train, the other requires eight hours on the road - it’s the nature of the beast and I don’t mind doing it in the slightest. So I would address this if I were you, it’s a totally reasonable request and a poor reflection on him if when assuming his line management role of you that he didn’t have this conversation with you.

But I do still disagree on the checking in with you after a journey and meeting new people for the first time thing. That’s just something you are expected to get on with. I don’t think that was a realistic expectation and actually I’d be a bit pissed off if my boss called me about something like that as it would actually feel demeaning.

I still speak to my colleague who is currently on mat leave and she feels the same way. She is suppose to have kit days but he hasn't contacted her for months. She's really nervous about coming back as she doesn't know what's happening. She's not even sure what her hours will be when she returns (was part time when she left but he told in September that she'll have to request new hours ). It's just really strange.

Well don’t confuse your situation with her own. Before she went on mat leave there should have been an agreement in place as to how KIT would work - if there wasn’t then her manager at the time was being fairly rubbish to be frank - was it this person or your previous boss? Either way, if she has no joy contacting her current boss then she needs to speak to HR. I wouldn’t go into Christmas without knowing where I stood for a February return.

@Arlanymor I'm not confusing them, just explaining that I'm not the only person feeling this way. It's our current manager. My old manager left around 3 weeks before she went on mat leave.

@Arlanymor I agree though she should contact HR but obviously that's up to her and I won't get involved in that.

Some people are manager but have no peoppe or management skills, they just landed in the job. It sounds like your last manager was a good manager and this one is bad. Now, you have to either wait until he leaves, leave yourself or transfer to another team or somehow let him know you need support in certain ways.

But you’re both individual people with individual needs, so I don’t think conflating things helps. You may both be wanting more contact but for different reasons and it is very different given that you are in work and she isn’t.

I've had fantastic managers who cared about me, and none of them would ever have checked that I'd been able to drive home successfully. That's not a normal expectation.

Nor did they check I was okay 2-3 times a week. I'd have found that very intrusive and asked what was wrong with my performance or attitude to make them so worried.

The only issue is taking up to a week to reply when you need support, unless the matter isn't urgent. Your expectations are very out of whack in my experience so I wonder if you're asking for support too much.

I think people have taken my comment regarding my old manager the wrong way. He never crossed any boundaries and definitely wasn't unprofessional. Unfortunately my dad passed away a couple of years ago and understandably that was a difficult time for me and he was very understanding with me needing to take time off etc. I also found out Feb last year that my partner of 5 years had been having an affair for 4 months so again not a great time. Obviously I tried to keep that separate from work but I'm human and was clearly upset and just sort of blurted it out and he was understanding whilst I was going through that too. That's all I meant by my comment.

Quite frankly, you seem very much like you do want to be mollycoddled. Your manager checking if you got home okay would actually (as another poster already wrote) be quite demeaning. Are you not capable of getting home and/or travelling for 4 hours?

On my very first day in my last job, I was asked to fly for 12 hours and be in an international city with no idea who I was meeting or why (it was very last minute, I was literally asked on the Friday before I started the new job on Monday). I just got on with it. I was new so obviously hadn't met any of the people there, nor ever been to the city I travelled to. Had no idea if any of the people sitting on my flights were also going / employees / clients. It was fine. 4 days later I flew back to the UK (and straight off an overnight flight was summoned to my new London office to do paperwork with HR). No-one checked I got home okay. Not even the HR person. Why would they?! If anyone had asked me, I think I would have been speechless / offended.

If you disclosed that you were dealing with serious personal issues, a manager should definitely give their condolences (like any decent person) then tactfully establish what it means for your work and it you need any adjustments, like time off at short notice. It would be good practice to signpost you to any EAP or any other support the company has in place. But I don't think it's reasonable to expect them to contact you regarding the situation or check in on you unless your work is being affected.

You did say that you would speak to your old manager almost every day even when you had nothing work related to discuss. While that might be the case in small companies or with a trainee, it's not standard in most cases. I would find it very irritating to be disturbed from work nearly every day for a "check in."

I really do get how people grab on to one badly-expressed sentence from an OP, make up their own story about the situation and then refuse to listen to clarification, but in this case your subsequent posts don't change much. It is clear that you want a lot more contact and non-work discussions than is usual.

Sorry OP, your previous manager sounds like a parent, not a manager. You have unrealistic expectations of what managers should do. You’re an adult.

@SereneFish I get what you're saying, but I've emailed him maybe 8 (?) times in the space of 7 months and he's ignored most of my emails bar 1 or 2. They were questions that nobody else in the team could answer and it was information I needed for the wider business. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic (I'm not disagreeing with you) but there's no way he would know that as I've not expressed how I feel. In fact, I try not to contact him now (unless he emails me first) as I feel like I'm annoying him but even before then, I never hounded him.

This sounds like you bring your personal life to work and expect your manager to be your emotional support. Way too demanding. And not reasonable.

Blimey I’ve obviously been doing line management all wrong for the last 20 years 🤣 OP - all my team are remote and I always text if they’ve had a lot of travel, just to check in and make sure they felt they got something out of the day. If people are travelling long distances possibly late at night on behalf of my organisation, I think I have a duty of care to them, it’s not because I think they’re incompetent. That kind of thing is important to make sure remote teams function well I think.

Unfair comment. Anyone who lost their Dad and their marriage would be affected, and a decent manager would give a shit about you.

@Ytcsghisn bloody hell, you think someone being upset and needing time off because their parent passed away is bringing their personal life to work? I've heard it all now 🙈

People take time off for this stuff. But your posts come across as more than that. Pointing to needy behaviour. Maybe that’s not the case, but your posts read this way.

You sound like a great manager @MilitantFawcett I'm sure your team appreciate it 😊

@Ytcsghisn sorry, but you've completely twisted my words. I was just clarifying what I meant when I said my old manager was supportive as quite a few posters made comments such as he was unprofessional and crossed boundaries which absolutely wasn't the case.

I think it's all personal preference really. I much prefer the style of your new manager (and in fact have the same sort of manager now). She lets me get on with things without checking in, but she's always available if I need her, and very lovely!