Normal behaviour for a manager?

[Drpepper67]

Hi ladies, just wondering what your thoughts are regarding my situation. I've never been a manager before and probably don't understand the stresses that come with that, so perhaps I'm being unfair.

Around 7 months ago the company I work for merged with another company (American company bought us, both based in the UK) and as a result there were many leavers and voluntary redundancies. My manager and team (excluding myself and 1 other person) found other jobs so we now have a new team who were all employed by the other company.

It's been difficult to say the least, especially since my colleague (from the old team) went on maternity leave just as we transitioned, so I basically had to go through the change, settle into the new team by myself. She is due back in Feb. They are still reviewing our contracts as we were TUPE'd over and we will probably receive an update next year. For context, my company were all remote and they were hybrid. They all live fairly close to the head office and we all live in different parts of the country and never had a main base (our home address is our main base)

Anyway, I'm really struggling to gel with my new manager and in all honesty I find his management style a bit odd. I was very close to my old manager as were the rest of the team. He was very caring and always supported us (in work and with any personal issues). He always checked in to make sure we were ok, supported us, took an interest in us. He was a fantastic manager. We spoke most days, even if it was just to check in (never micromanaged us in any way) but he really cared about us and made sure we were a priority.

My new manager is nothing like that. I barely speak to him, sometimes going weeks (think the longest was 3). He never checks in, only messages me or the team when he needs us to action something. He’s ignored my emails on a few occasions, it’s difficult to get any support from him. Luckily I can manage my own workload and don’t need support that often but still. I think I’ve spoken to him roughly 6-7 times since May and some of those meetings were mandatory. I don’t think he even knows much about me, he’s certainly never taken an interest. I recently met up with the team (had to travel 4 hours) and was quite nervous as this was the first time meeting them in person. I thought he might have checked in the day before to see if I was ok travelling there but nothing. He barely spoke to me on the day and never bothered to ask if I got home safely when we left. He’s like that with everyone though, so I don’t think it’s personal. He’s just clearly not very close to the team. The rest of them don’t seem to be care, but clearly that’s what their use to. I’m able to compare and I don’t think it’s normal.

I’m not sure why it bothers me so much, obviously it’s great that he doesn’t micromanage but I also don’t think it’s normal to not speak to your team for weeks on end.

Sorry this is long, but AIBU?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I do appreciate the feedback and will take your comments on board. I'm not disagreeing that my expectations are unrealistic btw, obviously some people think they are and maybe my old manager was "unusual" in that he cared too much? I don't know. I need to get use to a new way of working I guess and just see how it goes. It's not like I have to stay in the job forever so if I'm still not happy in a few months I can look for something else. Maybe I should just be thankful that I have a job in this economy!

@Drpepper67 I think it’s both you sound a little needy and your new manager is a bit distant.

You keep bringing up the 4 hour drive… this isn’t an unusual or noteworthy event. It doesn’t warrant a check in by your manger to see if you got home ok. That is for your friends and family (if you’re in to that sort of thing).

Yes a lot of people feel nervous to meet a bunch of new people…but again it’s not for your manager to figuratively hold your hand through the day.

At the same time

Your manager is being a bit distant and that’s not great either. You should be having regular check ins. And it’s not great that he doesn’t answer emails.

At the end of the day the only thing you can do is to calibrate your expectations. He is not your old manager so you might as well stop comparing the two.

I had a boss very similar. English, in the oldest company in the uk, you could not get less of an American company if your tried (they tried and he was sacked as CEO after 9 mths)
I didn't handle it well, I am used to people liking me and being positive toward me. I tried everything I could think of, trying to chat on works dos, working extra hard, feeding back positive messages from clients. Etc. I even asked for feedback as to what I could do to improve...his was shite.

it came to a head when hr held a telephone conference call to give him feedback from my level. I was honest (as she asked us to be) and said I couldn't really give feed back as I hadn't spoken to him and hadn't seen him for weeks. My colleague (who basically sat next to him ) said Toad you can't say that. Why it's true....I'm sure it got back to him. But by then I'd already made moved to leave and took redundancy a few months later...happy as Larry.

as an aside. He also got made redundant. Very much against his wishes....make of that what you will.

as an aside when I travelled the 4 hours to his office I had to stay until 5. He left mine at 1...every single time....

I think you're getting a really hard time on here. The communication patterns you've highlighted wouldn't be considered good management in my industry - managers are expected to have weekly check-ins. Not for wellbeing but for project status updates etc.

I would suggest in your next formal meeting asking how he prefers to communicate over urgent queries that need his input. My senior leader tells us he prefers a quick phone call in these scenarios so it's getting him to be clear how he prefers to communicate. I'd also suggest asking for fortnightly 121s if you know you have enough to make these meaningful.

This is probably the best reply you've had.

I think you could probably do with more contact, but you also need to stand on your own feet. My manager isn't checking I got home from work okay, or checks that I'm okay with meeting people from our own place of work. You are there to do a job.

In that case I think this is the part that needs addressing. When you can get him on the phone / video call, bring it up by asking who else you should go to when he's unavailable. Don't muddy the waters by bringing up the other stuff.

YABU. He’s your manager, not your dad.

That's a disgusting thing to say when the OP has posted that she lost her dad.

To me the most effective way of fostering good work commitment from your line reports is try and ensure they feel valued but also accountable. To my mind this can only be done by meaningful contact, so yeah I feel it's odd to be so very hands-off.

But I wouldn't expect to be checked on 'if I got home okay' - I'd potentially even take offence myself if asked and take it as slightly sexist!

Some people need to feel a connection with others to motivate them to care about their jobs (that's certainly me). I find it hard to understand those that seem to spend energy on not engaging and who don't ever want something more from work colleagues. But many are different from me and just don't want that from work. It sounds like your manager is like that. Fair enough, I just think they're missing out!

This really does mean you are needy. He’s your boss not your mother.

I'd expect more contact than that, much as I would never wish to be micro managed.

Clearly PP hasn't read that post. Not everyone reads the full thread.

I think you need to separate the work stuff from the personal stuff. Your manager should be answering your work related emails to enable you to do your job. That's a completely reasonable expectation on your part and it's very poor that he doesn't.
However your expectations around him checking in before meeting the team because you were nervous and checking you got home OK are off - some managers might think to do that but I wouldn't expect it at all.

I think a great manager is somewhere in between your two managers.
Old manager sounds a bit much. Contacting team members most days, being involved with personal issues etc. Not something I’d appreciate. New manager going weeks without contacting anyone in his team and not responding to emails doesn’t sound good.
A commute to the office or to meet the team isn’t really something I’d view as needing a message to check I got home okay.

i think some of these responses are pretty harsh! …and some of your workplaces and expectations are really depressing reading.
This manager is clearly crap and having worked with a huge amount of managers in different companies, this isn’t normal!
He couldn’t care less about his team and can’t even be bothered to answer their emails. They’ve just been through quite a transition and if he wants the best out of them, should be doing everything to help them assimilate to the new culture and ways of working.
What is the point of having a manager if they don’t lead, develop, engage, retain their team whilst also ensuring their performance is top notch? This is what you pay managers for.

As a manager myself, your manager sounds pretty awful and could do with going on a people management course or two... But I'm a firm believer in servant leadership; I'm here to remove obstacles for my team and support them. Not sure how he can do that if he never speaks to the team. I think you need to take charge and schedule 1:1s in his calendar. No you shouldn't have to, but ultimately you need to tell him what support you need. It could be that he thinks this is what you are used to even (being left alone to get on with it). Good luck!

I am a functional manager of a remote team of people all based in different countries.

I think your previous manager was at one end of the spectrum of management styles and your new manager is at the other end.

If I get new people into my team I always set up a weekly one to one meeting with them and we keep this for a few months then I will check what they feel they need and we will change. Some I meet with weekly, some every 2 weeks and the rest monthly. It matters from both a business and personal pov to have regular meetings.

I also do take a personal interest in the team and if they share personal stuff with me I will take that as “permission” to chat about it. Eg one team member told me her son was revising for his exams so we chatted about that and later I asked how he got on.

I think your new manager is not great because he is hampering your ability to do your job but if the existing team members warned you about him then I wouldn’t expect him to change so I can’t offer you any advice, sorry.

I used to think that. My current boss always asks me to text him when I am home when we've been out in the evening or I've been down to London (I'm near Mancheter) and I used to feel he was being over protective (we are similar ages (50s)). But then he explained why. A few years ago one of his team was driving home (normal time 5.30ish) and was involved in a horrific accident which resulted in weeks in hospital with a brain injury (among others), several years off sick and ultimately medical retirement needing a carer. If it makes him feel better to know we are safely home it's a small thing to do to text him.

I think you need to get your emotional support from other sources (friends, family, a therapist, a support group).

What?you describe seems really abnormal in workplaces I've been in and I often have to diary stalk senior people and can see how often thry get in touch too. We have 1-1s and catch ups away days and planning days as well as ongoing teams chat for work and a separate chatter one.
I have employees who need different levels of support but I would be generally interacting with them on teams at least about what's going on for them. I can't imagine how you lead people effectively by not speaking to them for 6 weeks or not knowing if they are people who need a bit of support to bring out the best in them

It may not be what you're used to but It's just a different management style. I've experienced both and other styles as well.
Do you need a lot of input from him? He presumably trusts you to get on with your work without his constant attention.
He's also possibly - since the merger - got a bigger workload than your previous manager and just doesn't have time to check in daily.
Can you speak to him if you need to?

Or if I was "ok to get there'. Sounds like you want continual validation like a child. Be great full he's not on your back the whole time. Previous manager sounds like he did not have enough to do and pandered to needs that should not be in the workplace.

@Drpepper67 if you need info from your manager you need to follow up when he doesn’t reply. If you know he’s crap at responding then give him a deadline and follow up if he doesn’t give you the info on a timely basis. Just because he’s your Manager doesn’t mean deadlines and courtesy don’t apply? And if you feel 1:1 meetings would benefit, request them. My boss is in a different country but we talk at least fortnightly for half an hour or so, with the option to cancel if nothing to say. I’m a Manager myself and I know people is my team are all individuals with their own needs. Sounds like your Manager doesn’t know you need to be ‘heard’ and understood.

I have worked from home since 2015. Before covid I would have to attend in person meetings once or twice a month.
These meetings would be an 8 hour drive from my home. I would travel up the day before, stay in a hotel, attend the 9am to 5pm meeting and then drive 8 hours home after the meeting finished at 5pm.
I did this from 2015 to the beginning of 2020.
Not once did anyone ask me before the meeting if I was okay travelling and no one ever asked me if I got home OK afterwards.

Also it never would have occurred to me to have expected it.
Twice I had to attend a meeting even further away which involved a 4 hour drive, then an hour on a plane, then a hour on 2 trains, plus a 15 minute bus ride.
Then the reverse after the meeting finished at 5pm again.
Then I had to repeat this a week later.
Again no one checked in with me about travel arrangements. They just expect adults to be able to sort this out themselves.
There are also some days when I don't hear from my manager. He trusts me to get on with my job.

I agree the best management lies in between the two styles. I would expect to make a fuss of someone coming to the first meeting; check they know the way and to call me, introduce them etc. I would not check they get home as they are an adult. Multiple personal chats each week - no. 1-1 every fortnight / max once per month, yes. Replying to direct questions emails - 99% within a couple of days, even if that's to say "no idea sorry, try asking X instead".