Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

I reported that.

I agree with this. It's not that nice of your SIL but your daughter isn't her niece. When your daughter's dad shows up to take her out is she only allowed to go if the unrelated little half sister also goes? If not then the same rule should apply to your younger daughters invites

Also if you want your big daughter to go you could have said 'could she possible go too I'll pay for ticket'

I’m not sure if this is true though? There are lots of children who grow up in blended families where they still have contact with both sides but they are still made miserable by excluding/ rejecting steps? I think this narrative that DH’s family are “expected to pick up the pieces” for another family is off piste. To me it’s not about that- it’s about inclusion/ equal treatment of all children in the (blended) family, so one doesn’t feel second best/ less worthy/ left out. It’s a basic principle when in charge of kids regardless of the context!

@Tandora I completely agree with everything you have said

Exactly

I am curious @ThatRubyMoose, is it specifically:
A) the difference in the way they treat your children, or
B) the difference in the way they see your children (i.e. not seeing your eldest as close family),
that bothers you?

For example, if your SIL had extended the invite to the eldest but said something which revealed that she wanted the youngest there as family and was only inviting the eldest to avoid hurt feelings (eg "I suppose we should offer to take your eldest too") would you feel the same?

Well, rather than go round in circles...

DD2's extended family want to spend time with her
DD1's extended family aren't that fussed about spending time with her
OP wants DD2's extended family to 'adopt' DD1 like her DH has
DD's extended family has no interest in this
OP's DH wants DD2 to know his side of the family
OP doesn't want DD2 to know DH's family unless they 'adopt' DD1

What solutions are there?

The OP cannot force anyone to form a connection with her child(ren). That's off the table.

If the OP ends her marriage, her DH should get shared custody and be able to take DD2 to spend time with her extended family as much as he likes. DD1 still won't see them. DD1 will still have the same shit extended family. The OP is still not getting her way, and when her DH has DD2, he'll do even more things she disapproves of, because she won't be there to stop him. If DH only takes custody of DD2, DD1 and DD2 won't have as much time together, and whatever sisterly bond they have will weaken.

The OP cannot reasonably ban her DH from taking their child to spend time with her relatives. Well, she could try, but all that would happen is DD1 and her DH would resent her, and DD1 would resent her sister. That sounds like a happy household, for sure...

All that is left is for the OP to teach DD1 and DD2 that they have different extended families and do different things with them, and that's OK. And when one side spoils one of the girls, the OP can do something special with the other.

Realistically, I don't see any other possible outcome?

It seems the partner has "grown a pair" and decided that he's not letting OP unilaterally make choices for their shared child that disadvantage her to keep things "fair" between her and her half sister. Men are actually allowed to make their own decisions without them being as a result of feminine manipulation by either their wife or their mother. I would hate to have an in-law like OP - bringing an unrelated child into the family and then forcing a relationship that didn't develop naturally. I am very open to building relationships with children in my wider family, and absolutely love my brother-in-law's children just as much as I would if they were my brother's, but I can't abide entitlement to other people's time and resources. I have natural, innate obligations to my biological family that don't exist for other people, and I would really hate for anyone to try to force me to feel like I had to playact a close connection to a child where one didn't exist, or I wouldn't be permitted to have anything to do with a child who was born into my circle of connection.

I’d hate to have an in-law that saw it fit to leave out a child for no other reason that they aren’t a blood relative. It’s really not surprising that step-children struggle when they get persistently left out by family members who ought to know better. It’s basic kindness to include this child who has been part of the family since she was at least 4 years old. This isn’t about feminism, this is about ‘D’H marrying a mother and not wanting to advocate for his step-child. It’s just mean to leave them out. I’m genuinely shocked at the grown adults on this thread who think that this behaviour is okay. You don’t have to ‘play act a close connection’ but it’s mean to leave them out. You can still take a non-biological relative to a pantomime because it is the kind thing to do. It isn’t going to damage your relationship with the biological relative you are related to. If anything it might teach the younger child a little about blended families and inclusivity rather than leaving others out unnecessarily 🤷‍♀️. It really just comes down to kindness and basic human decency.

Charming. I certainly hope you don’t end up part of a blended family with young children involved.

Well said.

I hope so too! I would be seriously disappointed if one of my children decided to take on another person's children, because at the end of the day, I am an animal and really wouldn't like it if one of my children spent their time and resources parenting children with no genetic connection to our family, as in this modern age where most people think a family with 3 children is massive, they are majorly handicapping their chances of passing on their genes by making that choice. However, as everyone has the ability to make choices, this would not be something I expressed to a child as I generally love and enjoy children and would be able to love and enjoy stepchildren brought into my family by a child or sibling - it doesn't mean I would be happy about it, or willing to be rushed into a connection I didn't feel. I also know that not everyone loves and enjoys children in general, and are only able to tolerate those who they have a genetic link to, and if you're in that group, I can see why a stepchild entering your close family would pose a serious difficulty.

Set a boundary that if both children are not treated the same then the youngest will not be attending any invites. If they took youngest to this and then older DD got her turn and invited to something else then fair enough but otherwise no. There's no wonder there are young kids with mental health issues when adults are purposely excluding a child. If it was a group of girls in the playground purposely excluding one, it would be construed as bullying. Next time maybe say that you would be happy to pay for eldest daughter's ticket if she could come along too (although it's still crap on their part). MIL is right, it is a slippery slope ... a slippery slope into a toxic family dynamic. Personally I would create distance and not bother making an effort with SIL's family or MIL any-mote. DH is as much the AH for not advocating for your daughter against his family.

“I would be seriously disappointed if one of my children decided to take on another person's children…”

WTAF?!?! 😳

“I am an animal”

Well that is certainly primitive thinking

I hope so too! I would be seriously disappointed if one of my children decided to take on another person's children, because at the end of the day, I am an animal and really wouldn't like it if one of my children spent their time and resources parenting children with no genetic connection to our family

wowzer .

Well, nobody can question your honesty there @batt3nb3rg, stark reading though it is.

I genuinely don't believe becoming a step-parent is something most people want for their children. They get much of the financial and emotional obligations of parenting, with none of the rights, they are often hated by their stepchildren by default, they get zero years of loved-up honeymoon phase before the serious teamwork of parenting starts, and for what? For the priviledge of a partner with the practical and emotional baggage of a failed serious relationship/marriage, a permanant connection to an ex-partner, and reduced capacity to have their own biological children. I would be disappointed if my kids made any decisions that resulted in hardship for themselves for little to no potential benefit, especially if that decision was due to an unwise choice of spouse. I will be teaching my children that their choice of spouse is one of the most important and impactful choices they will ever make, and to consider all factors, including a potential partner's family, connections and past bad choices.

I honestly don’t think most people are as judgemental as all of this, and honestly lots of people really don’t attach as much importance to biology. But maybe that’s just the kinds of people I’m surrounded by..

There are all kinds of ways of building families .

@batt3nb3rg I think you’re saying the thing that most people never do. I don’t doubt many step grandparents/families silently think this.

Parents have all sorts of aspirations for their children throughout their lives and the coverall of “as long as they’re happy” quite often isn’t completely true.

Ask any single mum and you may get a different answer. If you live surrounded by genuinely inclusive people and only them, consider yourself fortunate.

This isn’t about the panto and it never was. As OP says, the Co variation about the 11+ has already happened. It’s small beans at this age, a missed panto can be made up for. It’s later on that matters really become difficult. This is what the MIL meant by “slippery slope”. She doesn’t want her son to forego a second or third child if his own because he can only afford x amount of school fees and his step-child will need to be counted. Or, possibly more likely given her comment, she will not be paying for a step-grandchild’s school fees (very often the case these days). It doesn’t take a leap of imagination.

Inclusivity only goes so far for anyone with limited resources. 99% of people will draw the line. Arguably, it’s fairer for the elder DD to know - and for her mother to know - now, before it really gets serious.

Jesus. It’s all really coming out now.

School fees??? I don’t know any gp who pay gc school fees -biological or otherwise . well actually I do know one family - they are multi millionaires- I’m sure they’d have no problem funding a few SDC as well , if they had any 😂😂.

“forgo a second or third child if his own” because of SDC??

This is so messed up. Poor child. She’s just in everyone’s way on account of her mere existence isn’t she? And here I was thinking it was 2024 and it turns out we are living in a Cinderella fairy tale!

School fees??? I don’t know any gp who pay gc school fees -biological or otherwise . well actually I do know one family - they are multi millionaires

such an odd comment. There are lots of social circles where grandparents pay school fees. Actually I went to school with a girl whose grandparents paid her brothers’ school fees but didn’t believe it was necessary for a girl!

I do think it’s a leap to think of step grandparents paying school fees for step grandchildren though. At point do you stop pretending step children and biological/adopted children are the same?

step mothers get an absolute roasting on here is they overstep and take on a mother role. Grandparents get an absolute roasting if they don’t immediately take on full grandparent role. It’s a bit hypocritical.

My point was it’s hardly a widespread problem .
It must be a tiny minority of especially wealthy families who would be facing any such sort of dilemma, plus as you say, completely far fetched to think that inviting SGD to the panto would result in an obligation to pay her private school fees. Whole thing is ridiculous.

But it just exposes what people really think- the true character of this debate. This isn’t about forcing relationships, it’s about how people view step children.
This child is perceived as a drain, a waste of resources - diverted off down the wrong gene pool , baggage, in the way of other potential wanted biological grandchildren.
Whole thing is disgusting.

If these are the attitudes the OP has unwittingly married into, she really does need to get out for the sake of her child,

Indeed. There were quite a few at my school whose grandparents paid the fees. I also knew people who had step siblings and/or half siblings in state school. As far as I am aware, I didn’t know of anyone being funded by their step parent’s family. I’m sure there are times when it’s happened/happens, but ime it’s unusual.