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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so hurt

93 replies

Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 11:26

So I split up with my partner 4 months ago due to him not supporting me since the kids arrived. He carried on his life as normal, working late, various hobbies, nights out etc and I just felt really lonely. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t show him any affection as the resentment just built up so we ended up just hitting a brick wall.

we broke up 6 months prior to this and he told me he really fancied a woman at work, after this I begged for him back as I couldn’t bare the thought of him being with another woman. When we got back together not much changed so I ended it again and he is saying the same thing again about this woman, he picked the kids up on Sunday and told me that he had to borrow her car because his has broke. I am trying to understand why he wants to hurt me so much as if I had met somebody else I just wouldn’t tell him and just lie about the car etc.

OP posts:
Dietingfool · 19/12/2024 11:27

Because he thinks you don’t mean it, and you don’t if you reactive jealously and beg him to come back.

Original poster
Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 11:29

I did beg him to come back the first time he did it. I am extremely hurt but I don’t want him back for any other reason as I don’t miss the relationship so it would be wrong of me to want him back just because I don’t want him to have anybody else.

OP posts:
RocketPanda · 19/12/2024 11:29

He knows that saying it hurts you.

Original poster
Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 11:30

He told me that this woman from work had much prettier eyes than me. That’s fine but he doesn’t need to tell me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 11:36

I honestly can’t bare the thought of him being with somebody else but I don’t want him back. I don’t miss the relationship we had, I was so lonely.

OP posts:
404ErrorCode · 19/12/2024 11:39

He would only tell you things like this to emotionally manipulate you and play games with your head. Boosts his pathetic ego having two women chasing him no doubt, and also keeps you insecure. Total loser behaviour.

He certainly doesn’t sound like he is worth the headspace, OP.

RegulatorsMountUp · 19/12/2024 11:39

You just need to move on. You don't want to be with him so you can't be upset really if he goes off with someone else. Sounds like he's just deliberately rubbing your face in it - perhaps he wants you back so thinks this will have you come running. Try and let it wash over you just smile and nod and walk away. He'll soon stop once he realises it won't have any effect on you.

bridgetreilly · 19/12/2024 11:42

Honestly, it doesn’t matter why he is saying and doing hurtful things. You have broken up and now you need to actually let go of him. He’s not your partner, he doesn’t matter. Work out how you are going to enjoy your new life without him.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 19/12/2024 11:43

You must know you're being unreasonable here. You don't want him, really, you just don't want him to move on from you or to get 'bare' with another woman.

He's playing you like a fiddle.

Original poster
Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 11:44

He dropped the kids off the other night and ended up staying for hours as the kids didn’t want him to go. He was over playing with them and making them laugh which he never did whilst we was together and now they are saying they miss him.

OP posts:
SnoopySantaPaws · 19/12/2024 11:53

It hurts.

even when you know separating from
someone is the right thing to do, the thought of them with someone else still hurts!

But honestly, he's shit at relationships so & he's treating you like shit. Think about it, what part of that is she getting that you still want? Golden civk?? I'd guess he's shit in bed! Good smuggler, doubt it!! He's too self absorbed!

really imagining them with someone else hurts, but when you really think about it, what is she getting that you feel deprived of?!

you need to have a fixed phrase to trot out everytime he tries to hurt you by suggesting there's someone else. 'I hope she enjoys being ignored/your smelly socks/being with a selfish twat'. Whatever works for you. Then ignore.& I'd tell him straight nothing he does is going to make me jealous, because I'm DONE with him, I'm certainly NOT going to be asking him to come back so he might as well save the effort of trying to upset me.

even though he's a twat, and you know you're better off without him, it can take a while for your heart to catch up with your head!! You'll get there though . You'll get there quicker if you resolver NEVER to have him back & don't wallow. Move forward!!

snowyglobe · 19/12/2024 12:01

“after this I begged for him back as I couldn’t bare the thought of him being with another woman”

You know this is ridiculous and unhealthy, right? Stay single, get some therapy if you can. Because honestly you shouldn’t be in a relationship while you’re this emotionally immature.

UghFletcher · 19/12/2024 12:03

Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 11:44

He dropped the kids off the other night and ended up staying for hours as the kids didn’t want him to go. He was over playing with them and making them laugh which he never did whilst we was together and now they are saying they miss him.

You need a boundary. He drops them off and leaves, you don't let him in the house. They had their time together. He is getting off on hurting you and using them as a means to do it.

MatildaTheCat · 19/12/2024 12:10

I agree about boundaries. The DC will adapt to seeing him elsewhere much quicker if you stop the visits at home.

When he says something to deliberately hurt you try and look mildly puzzled and just say ‘oh, ok’ as it’s information you have no need of.

Try and stop giving him headspace. It will be difficult for a while but with serious practice you can reduce him to a person you once knew and who is a co parent. You have no need for any other care or knowledge of his lifestyle.

Original poster
Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 12:21

snowyglobe · 19/12/2024 12:01

“after this I begged for him back as I couldn’t bare the thought of him being with another woman”

You know this is ridiculous and unhealthy, right? Stay single, get some therapy if you can. Because honestly you shouldn’t be in a relationship while you’re this emotionally immature.

Yes, you’re right

OP posts:
Original poster
Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 15:01

MatildaTheCat · 19/12/2024 12:10

I agree about boundaries. The DC will adapt to seeing him elsewhere much quicker if you stop the visits at home.

When he says something to deliberately hurt you try and look mildly puzzled and just say ‘oh, ok’ as it’s information you have no need of.

Try and stop giving him headspace. It will be difficult for a while but with serious practice you can reduce him to a person you once knew and who is a co parent. You have no need for any other care or knowledge of his lifestyle.

I have told him He no longer needs to come
into the house. If I have new flowers that my mum has bought me he asks me where they are from and I don’t think it is any of his business.

he also says he thought we were friends and we could talk about this stuff but completely disagree, if I met somebody else I would not talk to him about it all night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 15:02

At all** not all night 🤣

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 19/12/2024 15:07

The opposite of love is indifference. Give him that in every reaction.

And when he says he thought you were friends say 'no we're not friends. We can cooperate as parents but that's not the same'

Original poster
Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 15:27

PullTheBricksDown · 19/12/2024 15:07

The opposite of love is indifference. Give him that in every reaction.

And when he says he thought you were friends say 'no we're not friends. We can cooperate as parents but that's not the same'

Find it so bizarre that he feels
comfortable talking about another woman already

OP posts:
UghFletcher · 19/12/2024 16:44

As we said previously, it isn't because he is comfortable doing it. He wants to hurt you.

Let him drop them to the door
Tell them - let's say bye to Daddy, see you soon.
Close door and get on with life.

If he tries to engage you with any comments:
Blank face/ expression
'Oh really, ok' or 'oh, ok. That's nice' EVERY SINGLE TIME he says something about another woman.
Ignore if he asks about flowers
I've got to go and sort the kids out now, see you next time
Close door, get on with life, give him no more headspace

UghFletcher · 19/12/2024 16:46

YANBU to feel hurt but YABU to dwell on it and let it take up any more of your time.

Have you ever heard the saying 'let them'?

Let him go and do what he likes, it makes no odds to you unless it interferes with planned contact and if it does, cool, that's his choice. You can do more fun stuff with the kids.

MaltipooMama · 19/12/2024 17:39

God OP he sounds truly pathetic, please try and ride this out to make it to the other side! Once there you'll look back and be astounded that this loser ever had any control over you. I 100% second every word of advice from @MatildaTheCat

Original poster
Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 17:44

MaltipooMama · 19/12/2024 17:39

God OP he sounds truly pathetic, please try and ride this out to make it to the other side! Once there you'll look back and be astounded that this loser ever had any control over you. I 100% second every word of advice from @MatildaTheCat

My 7 year old has just said she misses dad and wishes we all lived together. She has never ever said that before and like I said he is putting loads of effort in now to play with them. He picks them up from school on his days and brings them home so I make their tea. I get all the shit work to do and don’t have time to play it’s just not fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 17:47

He said I never shown him any affection but I couldn’t because he was so absent. Obviously it is all my fault

OP posts:
MrsSchrute · 19/12/2024 18:01

Disengage!! Grey rock - he is trying to get a reaction from you, don't let him.

He is your children's father, that is all he is to you and the only relationship he needs to have with you. Shut down any communication about anything else.

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