To feel so hurt

[Joolz20]

So I split up with my partner 4 months ago due to him not supporting me since the kids arrived. He carried on his life as normal, working late, various hobbies, nights out etc and I just felt really lonely. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t show him any affection as the resentment just built up so we ended up just hitting a brick wall.

we broke up 6 months prior to this and he told me he really fancied a woman at work, after this I begged for him back as I couldn’t bare the thought of him being with another woman. When we got back together not much changed so I ended it again and he is saying the same thing again about this woman, he picked the kids up on Sunday and told me that he had to borrow her car because his has broke. I am trying to understand why he wants to hurt me so much as if I had met somebody else I just wouldn’t tell him and just lie about the car etc.

I suspect he hasn't got another partner at all and is trying to wheedle his way back into your affections OP.
Don't fall for it.
Stop speaking to him about anything other than essential need to know stuff about your children.

He's a nasty selfish, manipulative creep. You leaving him doesn't change that. He thinks he can string you along, to hurt you.

Well done for leaving him. Ignore his small minded meanness and be proud that your children will not grow up seeing him treat you like that.

@Joolz20 You don't want to be with him but don't want him to be with someone else?

Sorry, but YABU! This "man" is a man child and wants you to be his mum rather than his partner and equal and is never going to respect you. You know full well you're better off without him so there is absolutely no point feeling hurt because quite frankly you should be feeling sorry for this other woman who will now have to put up with a man child once the initial charm wears off!

They seem to love him and miss him so much (only recently)

They're young, they won't understand yet, but it is important to ensure your dcs grow up seeing kind and decent relationships.

He’s playing you like a fiddle OP.
Disengage.
Don’t let him use the kids like this.
He wants you to get jealous like before, so he’s talking about her, to goad you.
Just be indifferent. Grey rock him.
It takes two to tango, don’t partake in his stupid games.

They only miss him since he's paying them attention, which he never did before.

He's trying to make you jealous regarding his new woman.

Don't fall in to the guilt trap regarding your children.

this sounds really weird but it just feels odd for him to sleep with somebody else as I am the only person he has ever slept with.

Be grateful he isn't in your life anymore. Spiteful prick.

This is very wrong and unfair to everyone

He is being hurtful but you left him. Twice.

You don't want him. You let him go.

No I don’t want him really. I don’t know if I care what he is upto really I just don’t want him to rub it in my face

Can you play with them before bed? Weekends? What did you do when you were together but he was out working and socialising all the time, did you have time to play with them then?

Why doesn't he make their tea at his place on his days?

This will give you a chance to have time to yourself, or catch up on chores or do some batch cooking so you have more time to play with them when they're home.

No I didn’t have the time then either as not much has changed.

How old are you both? 17?

He's talking about her on purpose. Because last time he did that you begged him to come back. If it makes you feel any better, he may be with someone else, but you could have him back again if you chose. Is that what you want? You've tried twice and it hadn't worked. Do you want to try a third time? Or do you know this isn't going to work and you need to stick to your guns? You're going to have to decide pretty quickly. Because at the moment it looks like he'd still rather be with you. But things change and this might not continue to be the case. So, do you want him, with all his faults and issues, or are you going to let go and properly move on?

It all sounds rather childish and petty from both sides.

you said he wasn’t supportive and you resented him so why would you be bothered if he’s found someone else. Be happy he’s now someone else’s problem and not yours.

focus on your children’s wellbeing and stop kicking out and then inviting their dad back into your home every 5 minutes.

if he wasn’t a good partner or dad you’re not missing anything with him gone.

No, 34. Why would I be 17 because I have feelings? We was together for 17 years I think it is bound to hurt

He is an arse, frankly. He couldn’t be bothered to be a dad before and now he’s performing the role of dad to get this exact response. If he cared about the kids he would respect your boundaries and he would have behaved like this perfect father at the first time of asking! My ex used to hang around with tears in his eyes (I kid you not) so that our then 2yo would protest that she didn’t want him to go. He would FaceTime us and tell her he missed her, which upset her.

When we lived together, he couldn’t be bothered to bath her or play with her, he was too busy heading out the door to see his “friend” and help bath her baby (still not kidding).

Are all men like this?

Can you not get anyone else to do the hand over of the children. You will get closure if you don't see him.

I think that would help massively he just seems to hang around for ages and I am just waiting for him to go.

Of course he's being great now, he has no choice but to because you are not there and he has no choice but to step up.
However he's shown you exactly who he is and you need to believe him.

Keep reminding yourself of this. Be strong, it will pass. You know he doesn’t make you happy. Prioritise yourself and let him go x

Thankfully, no, I have a good one now and I count my blessings every day. Had to put the work in first though so that I was able to be in a healthy relationship.

OP you are right to be hurt by his behaviour but you need to make a really solid decision that you are over. And with that unfortunately comes freedom (on both sides) to see other people.

For the sake of your kids please formalise arrangements so that they are not getting confused and upset about what the set up is. You really need to prioritise them because this sounds very confusing from a child’s perspective.