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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel so hurt

93 replies

Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 11:26

So I split up with my partner 4 months ago due to him not supporting me since the kids arrived. He carried on his life as normal, working late, various hobbies, nights out etc and I just felt really lonely. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t show him any affection as the resentment just built up so we ended up just hitting a brick wall.

we broke up 6 months prior to this and he told me he really fancied a woman at work, after this I begged for him back as I couldn’t bare the thought of him being with another woman. When we got back together not much changed so I ended it again and he is saying the same thing again about this woman, he picked the kids up on Sunday and told me that he had to borrow her car because his has broke. I am trying to understand why he wants to hurt me so much as if I had met somebody else I just wouldn’t tell him and just lie about the car etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joolz20 · 21/12/2024 17:40

MummyJ36 · 20/12/2024 20:25

OP you are right to be hurt by his behaviour but you need to make a really solid decision that you are over. And with that unfortunately comes freedom (on both sides) to see other people.

For the sake of your kids please formalise arrangements so that they are not getting confused and upset about what the set up is. You really need to prioritise them because this sounds very confusing from a child’s perspective.

yes I don’t want them to be confused but I have asked him nicely to not come in the house. We didn’t tell the kids it was over last time as I wasn’t 100%, we told them he was looking after grandparent's house whilst they was away. I wouldn’t have made the decision if I wasn’t 100% sure and I would be happy for him deep down if he moved on but he doesn’t need to rub it in my face.

OP posts:
Isthisasgoodasitis · 25/12/2024 22:22

Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 17:47

He said I never shown him any affection but I couldn’t because he was so absent. Obviously it is all my fault

It’s absolutely not your fault … relationships are two way streets he failed to contribute to that making it on him not you

Iwishikneweverything · 25/12/2024 22:47

Honestly. What is wrong with women today. Why do u put up with bad behaviour from men.

SpryCat · 25/12/2024 22:50

He’s talking about the other woman to you because you can’t bare it and he thinks you get jealous and he is paying lots of attention to the children only because they start saying to you they miss him. It’s all manipulation to get you to take him back and then things go back exactly as they were.
He can’t talk about why you broke up twice so you both can sort out the problems because he has no intention of ever changing, he’s using the other woman so he can play mind games with you and the children.

WigglyVonWaggly · 25/12/2024 22:52

The moment you meet someone better than him, you won’t feel like this. That’s a certainty.

Washingforweeks · 25/12/2024 23:05

I think from reading your posts that right now you’re in the thick of it. And it will only be over when you realise what a scum bag he is.
your confidence is on the floor from previous begging. Brush that off. Realise who you are, no man is worth this absolute bollocks.
we could all write all kinds of advice but in reality none of us have the magic wand you want to make you feel nothing for this ‘man’. When the day comes we will be here for you and you will think what the hell was I thinking.

RedHelenB · 25/12/2024 23:12

Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 11:36

I honestly can’t bare the thought of him being with somebody else but I don’t want him back. I don’t miss the relationship we had, I was so lonely.

You're being a dog in the manger

SALaw · 25/12/2024 23:30

Cos he's a dick, which seems to be the reason you split with him so it should come as no surprise?

Findinganewme · 26/12/2024 00:01

this is clearly a very emotionally challenging situation for you, and I can feel the angst in your post. Your head is guiding you towards the decision that’s right for you, but your heart strings still tug on an attachment, that only serves to stop you from feeling lonely.

the fact that he can he has the audacity to tell you how much he fancies another woman, tell you as much as you need to about his personality. He is not a keeper.

Greenfield2 · 26/12/2024 00:36

You sound really conflicted at the moment and not entirely certain that you have made the right decision. But at other times you can tell it definitely was the right choice to leave him. This push and pull is exhausting and confusing. You need as much time away from him as is possible (whilst coparenting), not easy to achieve I know, i have been there but it is the only way to properly get over someone. It is still recent and raw but it will get easier. You may want to consider if therapy could help, because you deserve a healthy relationship which is balanced. I wish you luck OP

BeWittyRobin · 26/12/2024 07:25

He is trying to manipulate you to take him back. Don’t do it. Also, talking from experience you really should start putting boundaries in place for the sake of the children especially when it comes to pick ups and drop offs. Start as you mean to go on because it’s going to add so much more confusion for them in the long run. Staying for hours to play isn’t going to actually benefit them in the long run. It caused more hurt and confusion for mine and for me 4 years down the line, one of mine still can not get her head round the divorce and that’s because of the ex s manipulation 4 years ago and my stupidity xx

SpryCat · 26/12/2024 09:28

I think once you can see his behaviour for what it is, total manipulation on you all to get you to take him back with no intention of changing, you will know you are doing the right thing for you.

He isn’t over playing with the children because he misses them, he is doing it purely so they miss him and get upset when he leaves.
He isn’t with the other woman because he likes her, she is just a pawn so he can make you jealous by comparing her to you etc.
He doesn’t want to sort out any problems within your marriage nor is he missing you and Dc madly, he likes the convenience of you at home doing all the work so he can carry on living his best life as an adult child who is only interested in pursuing his own interests and hobbies.
He has no interest in pleasing anyone, only himself and as he has shown you, women are interchangeable so once he realises you won’t take him back he will need to set up another drudge at home so he can once again bugger off and please himself with his own interests.

Original poster
Joolz20 · 26/12/2024 10:21

Washingforweeks · 25/12/2024 23:05

I think from reading your posts that right now you’re in the thick of it. And it will only be over when you realise what a scum bag he is.
your confidence is on the floor from previous begging. Brush that off. Realise who you are, no man is worth this absolute bollocks.
we could all write all kinds of advice but in reality none of us have the magic wand you want to make you feel nothing for this ‘man’. When the day comes we will be here for you and you will think what the hell was I thinking.

I love this. Thank you so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
Joolz20 · 26/12/2024 12:46

When he called to see the kids yesterday he was so flirty with me and making comments. So weird

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 26/12/2024 13:02

See him as little as you can, and think of him as little too. You need time to recover from the hurt and picking at the relationship won't help you disengage, which may be why he keeps doing it.

AlertCat · 26/12/2024 13:57

Joolz20 · 26/12/2024 12:46

When he called to see the kids yesterday he was so flirty with me and making comments. So weird

He likes having you there, miserable; it makes him feel powerful. He’s doing it to stop you moving on.

Original poster
Joolz20 · 26/12/2024 14:37

AlertCat · 26/12/2024 13:57

He likes having you there, miserable; it makes him feel powerful. He’s doing it to stop you moving on.

Show quote history

He is also so unreliable and never answers his phone. It’s like he is the hardest person to get hold of ever.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 26/12/2024 14:38

Joolz20 · 26/12/2024 14:37

He is also so unreliable and never answers his phone. It’s like he is the hardest person to get hold of ever.

Show quote history

Yes, so that you have to chase him. It’s all a game to feed his ego.

Original poster
Joolz20 · 26/12/2024 14:45

AlertCat · 26/12/2024 14:38

Yes, so that you have to chase him. It’s all a game to feed his ego.

Show quote history

And then asks why I am pestering him when he should’ve picked the kids up at a certain time. It’s so odd, it’s like he disappears of the face of the earth

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 26/12/2024 14:56

You give this man far, far too much head space and attention. He

You have been given some very good advice on this thread. But are you actually reading what people post?

I suspect that you are hoping that posters will come along and tell you that he is behaving in this way because deep down he loves you and regrets what has happened. But that won't happen as he doesn't.

Your poor children being caught in the middle of this mess.

Who he sees and/or has sex with is no longer your business. Let him go and concentrate of establishing firm
boundaries.

Original poster
Joolz20 · 26/12/2024 15:15

CagneyNYPD1 · 26/12/2024 14:56

You give this man far, far too much head space and attention. He

You have been given some very good advice on this thread. But are you actually reading what people post?

I suspect that you are hoping that posters will come along and tell you that he is behaving in this way because deep down he loves you and regrets what has happened. But that won't happen as he doesn't.

Your poor children being caught in the middle of this mess.

Who he sees and/or has sex with is no longer your business. Let him go and concentrate of establishing firm
boundaries.

I have read each and every post and yes I am listening. I don’t want people to say he loves me etc as I ended it for good reason, I just don’t understand this behaviour.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 26/12/2024 15:18

He is flirting with you to see if you still feel the pull of him, he compares you unfavourably with his new woman to check if you feel jealous, it’s to check if you have feelings for him so he can manipulate you into taking him back.

Lighteningstrikes · 26/12/2024 15:42

He’s a headfuck.

Time is the only healer.

Well done for ending it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/12/2024 19:36

Joolz20 · 20/12/2024 18:15

Are all men like this?

Show quote history

No but....well...yeah

Phoenixfire1988 · 26/12/2024 20:10

Joolz20 · 19/12/2024 11:36

I honestly can’t bare the thought of him being with somebody else but I don’t want him back. I don’t miss the relationship we had, I was so lonely.

You don't want him but nobody else can have him either ? You're being totally unreasonable here and actually a bit unhinged! work on yourself and concentrate on your kids or you are just going to end up bitter over a relationship you didn't even want

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