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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend 5 days with his parents?

77 replies

CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:02

I've got the 25th to the 29th Dec off and DP has decided he wants us to spend every single day with his family. My family live too far away so we're seeing them the following weekend. I love his family but 5 days straight is a long time. We live just around the corner and he says he feels obligated to spend every day with them as we're so close. We'll obviously be coming home to sleep but apart from that it sounds like he wants to be there all the time.

AIBU to just want a day / evening to ourselves? Also how on earth do I get out of spending the entire time with them?

OP posts:
aperolspritzbasicbitch · 19/12/2024 11:02

No, you aren't.
I wouldn't do that. Absolutely not.

tfresh · 19/12/2024 11:06

That's weird. What are you going to do, just sit in their living room for a week?

Original poster
CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:07

tfresh · 19/12/2024 11:06

That's weird. What are you going to do, just sit in their living room for a week?

I honestly don't know tbh. Friday is a party at extended families and we've been roped into driving his parents. I haven't got a clue what we'll do the rest of the time!

OP posts:
SleepyDibbilo · 19/12/2024 11:07

That sounds really intense. What do his parents think of that plan? I love my mum but neither of us would want to spend 5 days straight together.

Original poster
CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:09

SleepyDibbilo · 19/12/2024 11:07

That sounds really intense. What do his parents think of that plan? I love my mum but neither of us would want to spend 5 days straight together.

His Mum is 100% onboard with the idea, his Dad is very quiet so I'm not sure but I'd imagine he'd appreciate some space. His family are super close though and I think if his Mum had her way we'd all live together / see each other all the time.

OP posts:
WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 19/12/2024 11:09

Your boyfriend can doss around his parents living room all he wants, go and do things you enjoy.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 19/12/2024 11:09

Have any of his family come from a distance so he's catching up? Is there illness in his family? I can imagine why he would want to spend time with them for those reasons. Let him go some of the time and enjoy time to yourself. Book something for the pair of you too.

Birch101 · 19/12/2024 11:10

Oh no that's too much I would just say you've got plans for x dates(s)

If they live close I assume you see them regularly anyway?

I'd offer Christmas day or boxing day if you feel you should but then go and enjoy your break off work! Even if it's without him

MostlyHappyMummy · 19/12/2024 11:12

Can you not just say no and state which day or days you are able to go over for?

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 19/12/2024 11:13

Set up days out for you and DH.
Film
Walk and lunch in NT cafe
Sales Shopping
Theatre
Invite friends to yours for drinks

If he won’t do this, make arrangements with friends or go out on your own and send your apols to whatever arrangement he has with his parents

I would tell him straight I am not taking 5 days leave to spend the whole time with his parents who you presumably see all the time anyway because you live down the road.

Mnetcurious · 19/12/2024 11:13

That’s too much. You need some ‘downtime’ especially if it’s all your days off work.
He can’t just dictate, how you spend your time needs to be a joint decision. Why does he think you shouldn’t get a say in this- would he be ok if you dictated to him?

Original poster
CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:13

His sibling lives further away which I think is why he wants to spend so much time with them. I do get that but come on, 5 days is too much and we do see his sibling regularly. He really struggles with saying no to anything, to the detriment of our plans or needs sometimes!

OP posts:
WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 19/12/2024 11:15

That's fine, he can fail to say no, it doesn't impact your plans. You don't obediently have to accompany him for 5 boring days.

longdistanceclaraaa · 19/12/2024 11:16

This all seems very intense.

But why are you, specifically, expected along too? Why can't your DP go and you go once or twice but otherwise do your own thing?

pestowithwalnuts · 19/12/2024 11:16

Totally unreasonable of your DH.
It's ridiculous to want to spend all day for 5 days with his parents.
Will it just be the 4 of you ?
When does his mother do any housework during this time ...or will she rope you in to help ?
Are they providing all the meals. ?
I'd be saying I have to pop to the shops .the first available day .
God..it sounds so suffocating

DemonicCaveMaggot · 19/12/2024 11:17

Let your DH go over as much as he wants and you do the things you want to do over the five days - which would probably include seeing the in-laws occasionally but not moving into their living room for the duration. If your DH complains point out that his sibling and parents would prefer to spend time with him rather than you so you don't need to be there the whole time.

TheCatterall · 19/12/2024 11:25

@CranberryHedgehog how long have you been together and what happened last Christmas?

honestly - I’d be making my own plans for some of that time or chilling at home. You don’t need to follow him everywhere.

id also explain to DP that whilst I like his family - I also would have liked some time as a couple during the Christmas break.

AnnaMagnani · 19/12/2024 11:29

Has it just not dawned on him that he's in a couple now?

It sounds as if he is doing a familiar plan of making time for his parents and sibling, without having clocked that he also needs to make time for his partner.

Or that his partner might not be up for hanging around in his parents' living room like he did as a teen.

Anycrispsleft · 19/12/2024 11:50

I know the healthy way is to have boundaries and communicate them clearly and all that, but if they're likely to take that badly and if you're wanting some downtime in your own house, you could always just say you're feeling a bit under the weather and don't want to go over with him in case you're infectious?
If you're wanting to go out and do stuff, I would just tell them/him you already have plans.

Original poster
CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:55

TheCatterall · 19/12/2024 11:25

@CranberryHedgehog how long have you been together and what happened last Christmas?

honestly - I’d be making my own plans for some of that time or chilling at home. You don’t need to follow him everywhere.

id also explain to DP that whilst I like his family - I also would have liked some time as a couple during the Christmas break.

Been together 4 years. Last year we spent Christmas with my family then late on Boxing Day through to the 28th with his family. The year before that I can't remember entirely, I know we definitely spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family and possibly even the 27th but I honestly can't remember as that was two years ago now.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 19/12/2024 11:56

CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:13

His sibling lives further away which I think is why he wants to spend so much time with them. I do get that but come on, 5 days is too much and we do see his sibling regularly. He really struggles with saying no to anything, to the detriment of our plans or needs sometimes!

He doesn't seem to have a problem with saying no to you though, does he? You want some time away from his family but DH says no.

Does he often put his parents first?

Original poster
CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:56

Gymnopedie · 19/12/2024 11:56

He doesn't seem to have a problem with saying no to you though, does he? You want some time away from his family but DH says no.

Does he often put his parents first?

Show quote history

Yes, regularly! It's a common theme.

OP posts:
InkHeart2024 · 19/12/2024 11:59

Have you got kids? You need to nip this in the bud right now especially if you have or are planning kids. This isn't normal.

Winter2020 · 19/12/2024 11:59

Make an excuse for a day or two that you are seeing a friend/going to the sales and send him alone. I understand that he wants to spend all that time with his family visiting but you don't have to be joined at the hip. You have the rest of the year to plan things the two of you.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 19/12/2024 12:06

Could you ask him directly if he wants to have a day out with you, go out for a meal and drinks? or maybe have a duvet day and watch a new series together? What would he say to specific suggestions like that, surely he'd be up for that?

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