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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend 5 days with his parents?

77 replies

CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:02

I've got the 25th to the 29th Dec off and DP has decided he wants us to spend every single day with his family. My family live too far away so we're seeing them the following weekend. I love his family but 5 days straight is a long time. We live just around the corner and he says he feels obligated to spend every day with them as we're so close. We'll obviously be coming home to sleep but apart from that it sounds like he wants to be there all the time.

AIBU to just want a day / evening to ourselves? Also how on earth do I get out of spending the entire time with them?

OP posts:
WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 19/12/2024 12:09

CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:56

Yes, regularly! It's a common theme.

Show quote history

He doesn't sound like a brilliant boyfriend. Return his energy and put other people and priorities before him.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/12/2024 12:11

DP has decided he wants us to spend every single day with his family.

That’s not his call. He can decide what he does, but can’t decide for you.

Set your boundaries for the future or this will be your holiday plan forevermore.

‘DP, I’m not taking 5 days holiday to sit in your mum’s sofa. I’ll do Christmas Day/boxing night and D’s party but otherwise, I’m doing my own thing. You can do what you like’

TheaBrandt · 19/12/2024 12:12

Is he the youngest sibling that hasn’t quite launched? This is weird

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2024 12:14

You haven't answered why you have to go to all of it too?
Why don't you just go to some of it, then arrange other stuff with friends/solo?

Codlingmoths · 19/12/2024 12:16

im an introvert so I would just say no, you will enjoy every day spent with your parents. I will enjoy one then it will be too much. It’s my holiday too, I’m having a do nothing day, a shopping and friends day and in a good marriage there would be a lunch or afternoon out with the husband but it’s not clear yet if he will prioritise me for an afternoon. So I will go to your parents for one day, and wait and see if the lunch/afternoon happens and then do another day at the in laws.

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2024 12:17

Just because he's going there every day doesn't mean you need to. Just do your own thing.

Your real problem is that he doesn't have a spine.

CandyCane5 · 19/12/2024 12:18

Call me selfish but if I were off between those days, I'd be making my own plans for my time off. Not letting DP decide what I'm doing. One or two days fine, but it's excessive considering there's no real plan just mooching around?

dottydodah · 19/12/2024 12:19

I would be taking a trip to the Sales I think! Just explain that you want to pick up a bargain and leave them to it! Have a nice lunch and treat yourself to something nice!

Brefugee · 19/12/2024 12:19

God no. I would spend one of the Holiday days with them. Max 2.
The rest of the time I'd be at home enjoying my days off

SpryUmberZebra · 19/12/2024 12:20

CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:56

Yes, regularly! It's a common theme.

Show quote history

And what would happen when f you insist on not spending all 5 days with them? Maybe commit to 1 or 2 days and say you plan to use the remaining time off to rest or do something else. Why can’t he go without you?

And if you’re in a relationship where your needs or opinions don’t matter in order for him to pacify his mother then you should really reconsider the relationship.

Brefugee · 19/12/2024 12:21

Anycrispsleft · 19/12/2024 11:50

I know the healthy way is to have boundaries and communicate them clearly and all that, but if they're likely to take that badly and if you're wanting some downtime in your own house, you could always just say you're feeling a bit under the weather and don't want to go over with him in case you're infectious?
If you're wanting to go out and do stuff, I would just tell them/him you already have plans.

No. Don't lie. Just say "I want to arrange my own free time."

Hadjab · 19/12/2024 12:31

Umm, just tell him no?

Rowen32 · 19/12/2024 12:37

Mine would be lucky if I spent one whole day, gosh. He really needs to separate and realise you're your own family now and deserving of time alone together.

ginasevern · 19/12/2024 12:45

Don't have children with this man (if you haven't already). Your life will be completely dominated by his family and you will lose any shred of indepdence or self respect.

JFDIYOLO · 19/12/2024 12:53

One person doesn't dictate what you do with your whole holiday.

I'd suggest you explain

It's your Christmas holiday too.

You'd love to have some of the holiday just for each other, in your own home.

You'd feel uncomfortable spending so much time there.

You understand he might want time with his parents if they're older and the clocks ticking, and it would be nice for them to have time together with him.

As they live so close, can you arrange coffee with friends, trip to the sales, gym visits, catch up with anyone you don't usually see?

Then check in with his family at a more reasonable rate?

I'd be thoughtful about the extra work no doubt his mum would be put to, especially if you were roped in and expected to do it too.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2024 13:09

Also how on earth do I get out of spending the entire time with them?

In a normal, healthy, equal relationship, this wouldn't even be a question.
'I'm planning on spending 5 days straight with my parents.'
'Crikey, not for me thanks. I'm happy to do the party and maybe one lunch, which day works best?'

Original poster
CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 13:10

Thanks so much all. I'm going to have a chat with him this evening after he's finished work. It's difficult as my family are not super close, we love spending Christmas together but we'd be sick of each other within a few days. His family are super close and spend loads of time together when they can and I do appreciate different families have different dynamics.

I've already put my foot down about next year. He's literally never spent a Christmas without at least seeing them on Boxing Day. We've agreed next year we're not rushing back from my folks and we'll see his parents on the 27th or 28th.

He is better than he used to be and I think part of it is that I need to be more vocal too about actually no this doesn't work for me.

To answer a PP question, no kids yet. We're planning to TTC next year but obviously I do want to iron out the issues first.

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 19/12/2024 13:37

Um… this is a recipe for disaster. Having children when you live 5 minutes from in-laws who want to see each other all the time. Are they interfering/opinionated? Imagine having a newborn and being expected to pop round everyday ‘just for 10 minutes’ or having them turn up willy nilly. Think about moving before TTC!

BettyBardMacDonald · 19/12/2024 13:40

CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:13

His sibling lives further away which I think is why he wants to spend so much time with them. I do get that but come on, 5 days is too much and we do see his sibling regularly. He really struggles with saying no to anything, to the detriment of our plans or needs sometimes!

I'd be asking myself why I am with a man so tied to the apron strings.

Mnetcurious · 19/12/2024 13:47

BettyBardMacDonald · 19/12/2024 13:40

I'd be asking myself why I am with a man so tied to the apron strings.

Show quote history

Absolutely, think hard before having kids. Sounds like he may side with his family rather than you on various issues about how to raise children. There was a post the other day where op wanted a dog-free Christmas at their house and the pil/siblings wanted husband to tell her she should allow them and to take his family’s side rather than support his wife (fortunately he sided with op).
If he’s already bending to their will rather than respecting your wishes, that should be setting off alarm bells.

JFDIYOLO · 19/12/2024 23:57

Be prepared if you bring children into the mix to be bulldozered by his family

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 20/12/2024 00:07

He's still tethered to his mammy's apron strings and she's expecting him to 'go home' for the holidays as though he's not really moved out but is at uni or something.
This situation won't get any better with time. I'd be thinking seriously about whether you want to be in a serious relationship with children when you aren't your partner's priority.

peachystormy · 20/12/2024 00:39

That's mental, 5 days straight?em no. Just say you don't want to do it. He sounds like a right mummy's boy

Elizo · 20/12/2024 01:13

CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:02

I've got the 25th to the 29th Dec off and DP has decided he wants us to spend every single day with his family. My family live too far away so we're seeing them the following weekend. I love his family but 5 days straight is a long time. We live just around the corner and he says he feels obligated to spend every day with them as we're so close. We'll obviously be coming home to sleep but apart from that it sounds like he wants to be there all the time.

AIBU to just want a day / evening to ourselves? Also how on earth do I get out of spending the entire time with them?

It is too much. I would go 24 eve - 26

ueberlin2030 · 20/12/2024 01:18

CranberryHedgehog · 19/12/2024 11:02

I've got the 25th to the 29th Dec off and DP has decided he wants us to spend every single day with his family. My family live too far away so we're seeing them the following weekend. I love his family but 5 days straight is a long time. We live just around the corner and he says he feels obligated to spend every day with them as we're so close. We'll obviously be coming home to sleep but apart from that it sounds like he wants to be there all the time.

AIBU to just want a day / evening to ourselves? Also how on earth do I get out of spending the entire time with them?

He can spend every day with them, or at least part of every day, if he wants. You don't have to though.