Page 3 | Christmas is just additional wifework isn’t it?

TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 2024-12-18T22:13:31+00:00

I have a good marriage but still 90% of Christmas organisation ends up being me. I buy most presents, sort the shopping (albeit online) and it’s really annoying. It’s just WORK! Last year dh did the kids presents and realised how much work it is. YABU what’s the problem, stop moaning YANBU, god it’s all a huge PITA, mainly for women

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2024 23:03

Sorry to disappoint but no, not here. I order the presents and wrap them, then that’s me done. He does the cooking and clearing, which is fine by me.

Caiti19 · 18/12/2024 23:05

FancyAnxiety · 18/12/2024 23:02

This. Do what you want and reduce expectations. Then sit back and sip wine - it’s a day off work!

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Oh I love Christmas Day! I absolutely love cooking! It's all the crap in the run up to to it that is so stressful. The late night finicky research to identify the best brand of X or Y.

ShortyShorts · 18/12/2024 23:08

It's only as much additional wife work as you choose to take on.

Last year dh did the kids presents and realised how much work it is.

So why are you doing it all this year?

You two need to work as a team.

FancyAnxiety · 18/12/2024 23:09

Caiti19 · 18/12/2024 23:05

Oh I love Christmas Day! I absolutely love cooking! It's all the crap in the run up to to it that is so stressful. The late night finicky research to identify the best brand of X or Y.

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I’ve reduced the mental load of this completely. We don’t buy presents for adults. I don’t get involved in presents for his family as he is a grown ass man. If anyone wants a present they have to submit a wish list. No list, no presents. This is how I remain sane and happy in December but appreciate it’s not for everyone. No drudgery wife work here! 🍷

tellmesomethingtrue · 18/12/2024 23:18

Imagine being a man where Christmas is just something that happens to you....

Nogaxeh · 18/12/2024 23:24

I do the bits that I care about and if no-one else cares about the other bits enough to make them happen then they don't happen.

I bake a Christmas cake and mince pies because I like them. I will put up decorations because I want to. I will buy gifts for the people where I can think of good gifts. I will make sure there are roast potatoes and roast meat and the other bits of a roast that I want for Christmas Day.

The thing to let go of is other people's expectations for what you should do. I believe that if you put the effort into things you want to do then you will get a reward for that. But if you put your effort into things that other people want you to do maybe you won't get a reward.

TempestTost · 18/12/2024 23:24

I don't find it's all on me, no. These days my sh is largely retired so does more when push comes to shove.

I do think a lot of men don't really care about creating some idea of a perfect Christmas, and they don't accept social pressure to do things they don't think are important.

This is an area a lot of women might be happier if they followed suit - Christmas can be pretty simple, it won't hurt your kids or family. Decide what's important, and what isn't important, don't do it.

DelicateSoundOfEchos · 18/12/2024 23:26

No. But I don't buy into this wifework crap anyway. We each do things in my marriage. Sometimes one of us will do more depending on what's going on in life, and this flexes as needed.

If you're having to do all this extra shit it's because either you're a martyr and insist on doing it or because you're a doormat and won't enforce boundaries.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/12/2024 23:26

Yes, I used to do everything when the kids were little including buying the presents for his side of the family. I didn't work fulll time so didn't mind doing it, he worked a lot more often away from home so it felt fair. When I started upping my hours over time to full time it took a while to get him to see that I wasn't going to be able to do it all myself and he'd have to step up more. To be fair he does. He does all the presents for his side of the family including wrapping, will buy stuff for our two now (young adults), gets the decorations out of the loft and puts the lights out int he front, does some xmas food shopping, and actually last Christmas day when it was all my family here he ended up taking over hte cooking on the day (preprepared sides so not too bad).

Pinkmoonshine · 18/12/2024 23:27

It really is! And what a lot of work…

Yuckyyuckyuckity · 18/12/2024 23:27

Nope it's almost 50:50 here. We have very young kids and DH wants it to be 'magic' for them just as much as I do. I do more of the present buying and all the wrapping, but he's better at sorting the food shopping and planning when to do what. Cooking we both do although he probably does more of it. I do more of the Xmas activities with the kids eg writing to Santa, baking gingerbread etc etc. We both play to our strengths.

We've definitely cut down the amount of present buying for adults, makes a huge difference.

GravyBoatWars · 18/12/2024 23:29

That is definitely not how it works in our house.

But reading through MN this time of year you’re clearly in very good company… I’m amazed more women haven’t just told everyone fuck off Christmas is cancelled if what I see here is a reflection of their Christmas experience and they can’t find a way to scale back and hand stuff off.

Surely your DH will at least be doing gifts again this year? I do hope you didn’t agree to take that back over unless he’s taken something equally time consuming off your plate.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/12/2024 23:31

TempestTost · 18/12/2024 23:24

I don't find it's all on me, no. These days my sh is largely retired so does more when push comes to shove.

I do think a lot of men don't really care about creating some idea of a perfect Christmas, and they don't accept social pressure to do things they don't think are important.

This is an area a lot of women might be happier if they followed suit - Christmas can be pretty simple, it won't hurt your kids or family. Decide what's important, and what isn't important, don't do it.

I always think that about housework generally. I think many women are too swayed by social media for lots of things. They follow crappy influencers like Mrs Hinch and others, feel the pressure to have the perfect house, the latest clothes and the most fashionable makeup etc. Men just don't watch that kind of stuff, do they, so never feel the pressure to keep up with the Jones's. They never compare themselves to others that much, and generally think they, and their house, are great just as they are. 😆

TempestTost · 18/12/2024 23:35

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/12/2024 23:31

I always think that about housework generally. I think many women are too swayed by social media for lots of things. They follow crappy influencers like Mrs Hinch and others, feel the pressure to have the perfect house, the latest clothes and the most fashionable makeup etc. Men just don't watch that kind of stuff, do they, so never feel the pressure to keep up with the Jones's. They never compare themselves to others that much, and generally think they, and their house, are great just as they are. 😆

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Yes, actually that does seem to be true to an extent. There aren't nearly the number of fashion magazines and stuff for men, and they aren't the target market for decorating type stuff either.

I could get worked up, but having watched my mum make her life miserable I decided not to do that.

LostittoBostik · 18/12/2024 23:37

dillonbarks · 18/12/2024 22:19

I don't really think it's 'work' - I love Christmas and enjoy all the prep.

It can be both. I love my job, but it's work.
I also like Christmas and enjoy the vibes, but pulling off hosting the big day is mega work

jannier · 18/12/2024 23:38

Caiti19 · 18/12/2024 23:05

Oh I love Christmas Day! I absolutely love cooking! It's all the crap in the run up to to it that is so stressful. The late night finicky research to identify the best brand of X or Y.

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But you don't have to do the what is the best brand ..you choose to. You don't have to do the shop...you can give a list they buy you cook as that's what you love.

TeenLifeMum · 18/12/2024 23:47

Dh has wrapped all the presents so far. He also coordinated dc lists and his side of the family. I sorted the dc and my side of the family. Pretty much a team effort here. Basically I’m a shitty wife so he has to step in.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 18/12/2024 23:54

My Dh does a bit but I deem most of what he does as unnecessary. He goes overboard with decorations and lights, way too much. We do split kids presents but I still find it really stressful whereas he doesn't mind. He will help with food shop too but most planning falls to me. He stepped up a lot after I wanted to cancel Christmas completely a few years ago I was totally overwhelmed.

It's all very easy saying we should simplify but I find no one else is on board. I tried to introduce godparents only gifts but I got laughed at by DH family. We also have friends who buy for our kids so we have to buy for theirs, I tried to stop that too but they want to keep doing it so I have to go along with it. Dh buys me lots of stuff half of which I don't want so I feel I have to make a good effort with his gifts too.

PartTimeModel · 19/12/2024 00:12

You aren't wrong op.
I don't do much now. Everytime I get a "oh I must do ...." thought about Christmas I just say no!

Lammveg · 19/12/2024 00:32

Hit a new low this year when DH asked me to buy his card to me.

I'm a SAHM to an almost 2 year old so obviously I'm going to take on most of the planning/cooking etc but my DH will do nothing. No cooking, cleaning, planning, decorating, wrapping. Sometimes I don't know if it's worth it anymore.

Ratisshortforratthew · 19/12/2024 01:41

FancyAnxiety · 18/12/2024 23:02

This. Do what you want and reduce expectations. Then sit back and sip wine - it’s a day off work!

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This. It’s what you make it. I don’t do Christmas so if my partner wants it to happen it’s on him. I couldn’t care less about societal expectations of what women should be doing to make Christmas “magical”.

Ratisshortforratthew · 19/12/2024 01:43

Dontlletmedownbruce · 18/12/2024 23:54

My Dh does a bit but I deem most of what he does as unnecessary. He goes overboard with decorations and lights, way too much. We do split kids presents but I still find it really stressful whereas he doesn't mind. He will help with food shop too but most planning falls to me. He stepped up a lot after I wanted to cancel Christmas completely a few years ago I was totally overwhelmed.

It's all very easy saying we should simplify but I find no one else is on board. I tried to introduce godparents only gifts but I got laughed at by DH family. We also have friends who buy for our kids so we have to buy for theirs, I tried to stop that too but they want to keep doing it so I have to go along with it. Dh buys me lots of stuff half of which I don't want so I feel I have to make a good effort with his gifts too.

You don’t have to go along with it at all. Don’t ask to stop doing gifts for these friends, TELL them you’re not doing it. His family laughed at you? Tell them he’s doing gifts for his family now so all communication goes through him. I honestly despair when I read about the knots people tie themselves in on here. Never in my life has it occurred to me to even think about presents for a partner’s family.

coxesorangepippin · 19/12/2024 01:51

Yup

It's massively stressful too

GravyBoatWars · 19/12/2024 03:31

We also have friends who buy for our kids so we have to buy for theirs, I tried to stop that too but they want to keep doing it so I have to go along with it. Dh buys me lots of stuff half of which I don't want so I feel I have to make a good effort with his gifts too.

This isn't computing for me. Are people really out there feeling like they're being forced to keep exchanging gifts in some sort of gifting hostage situtation? I understand how the gift list can grow to utterly stressful levels if you don't actively put a stop to it, but what's going on that people are trying to put a stop to it and not being able to?

GiddyRobin · 19/12/2024 03:42

Nope, not in this house. We do everything together. Wrapping presents? Crack open the wine, stick a comedy or some music on and dig in together. Same for buying them, we make lists and order online or I do an afternoon then he does. We make a buffet and we do that together, same for decorating.

I wouldn't be with a man just who just sat back with his feet up while I ran myself ragged. Not on Christmas, not on any day.