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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas is just additional wifework isn’t it?

110 replies

TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 18/12/2024 22:13

I have a good marriage but still 90% of Christmas organisation ends up being me. I buy most presents, sort the shopping (albeit online) and it’s really annoying. It’s just WORK!

Last year dh did the kids presents and realised how much work it is.

YABU what’s the problem, stop moaning
YANBU, god it’s all a huge PITA, mainly for women

OP posts:
Caiti19 · 18/12/2024 22:42

Biroclicker · 18/12/2024 22:38

We divide present buying equally, he wraps, he's cooking BUT I know that if anything goes wrong (like he gives everyone food poisoning) the wider family will blame me. He also won't think of the extras like the house needs to be cleaned before guests arrive, we need clean hand towels in the bathrooms, we need to get the second set of glasses out of the attic etc. all the stupid extra things.

Absolutely all the small things!

And DH will do them when presented with a list but he won't identify them. Ever.

We do jobs "on time for Christmas" that have nothing to do with Christmas. Stuff that should be done during year but isn't. Bits and bobs around the house.

Codlingmoths · 18/12/2024 22:43

Your dh did it last year, whats his role this year? Because Christmas doesn’t have to be such wife work, was last year not a revelation for you? We are getting closer to even on presents at Christmas. Dh has really stepped up with packing for the holiday we go on on Boxing Day too, after a serious conversation.

thestudio · 18/12/2024 22:44

Caiti19 · 18/12/2024 22:31

The vote says it all really, but eff me, every year I think it's going to kill me dead. I do put a lot of thought into presents though, and it's an intense time of year at my work. Online shopping isn't easy. It takes hours. I'm completely sleep deprived because I'm up late doing it. Then there's the hiding. I can't just open boxes and move the project along for fear kids will see stuff. Add the Elf "magic" into the mix, and the fact that we generally like to have a tidy clean house by 24th as opposed to the current madness, and I'm fully demented. While he snores. Of course I could delegate, but I know he'd buy crap presents for his own Mum for example! Then there's the food. And when you're hosting, you've to think outside your normal shop, and have your different recipes in mind. It's a lot. Every year I say I'm starting shopping in June, and every year I don't. I watched this a few weeks ago and felt jealous of a time when the duties were to make the cake, make the pudding, and that was it!

But then I remember they had no washing machines or dishwashers.

If you let him believe that decent men snore, and buy shit gifts, then he will. It shouldn’t be in you to tell him he’s not a decent, non-exploitative man, but it is, and it should only need saying once. Any man who continues once his eyes have been undeniably opened is just a non-decent, exploitative man.

WhamFantastic · 18/12/2024 22:44

100% agree OP

Codlingmoths · 18/12/2024 22:45

Biroclicker · 18/12/2024 22:38

We divide present buying equally, he wraps, he's cooking BUT I know that if anything goes wrong (like he gives everyone food poisoning) the wider family will blame me. He also won't think of the extras like the house needs to be cleaned before guests arrive, we need clean hand towels in the bathrooms, we need to get the second set of glasses out of the attic etc. all the stupid extra things.

Personally, I’d say fuck them all if my dh poisoned them and they treated it as my fault, and I’d expect dh to tell them they are fucking ridiculous and his wife is never ever cooking anything for them again so if they ever want to come over again or us to bring things it will be him cooking.

DeNiroDeFaro · 18/12/2024 22:45

Only if you have a shit partner.

Allihavetodoisdream · 18/12/2024 22:45

TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 18/12/2024 22:13

I have a good marriage but still 90% of Christmas organisation ends up being me. I buy most presents, sort the shopping (albeit online) and it’s really annoying. It’s just WORK!

Last year dh did the kids presents and realised how much work it is.

YABU what’s the problem, stop moaning
YANBU, god it’s all a huge PITA, mainly for women

How old are you?
It was like that for my mum’s generation often, but not for ours as much. Can’t see many men in their thirties getting away with sitting on their arses all day tbh.

My husband buys and wraps all his own presents for his large family. He does a feast on Christmas Eve which includes cooking a ham and a bunch of sides. He also does prep if I’m cooking on the day (or I help prep if he cooks on the day.) He does most of the online shop. I’ve never specifically asked him to do all this, he would just think it was mad for me to do it all.

It doesn’t have to be so unequal and I’m so glad that women are waking up to this!

Plumpkittenmother · 18/12/2024 22:46

Yes it is but some would view that as a good problem to have, that is to the means to buy the presents and sort the food.

I am reminding myself of this.

MumChp · 18/12/2024 22:46

We share and work as a team.
We also ask the oldest children (university age) to do their part. It's extra work at Christmas, yes but not a big deal.

EveryDayisFriday · 18/12/2024 22:47

Yes, I have a good DH but I do still do all the gifts, decorations and cards. DH does the cleaning and laundry though which does lighten the load for me.

I do start drinking at breakfast on Xmas Day and we only have hot buffet foods and snacks throughout the day so no slaving hours over a 3 course meal. So I quite like Xmas Day 🥂🍾

SharpOpalNewt · 18/12/2024 22:48

I agree, though I quite like doing most of it.

Codlingmoths · 18/12/2024 22:48

Caiti19 · 18/12/2024 22:31

The vote says it all really, but eff me, every year I think it's going to kill me dead. I do put a lot of thought into presents though, and it's an intense time of year at my work. Online shopping isn't easy. It takes hours. I'm completely sleep deprived because I'm up late doing it. Then there's the hiding. I can't just open boxes and move the project along for fear kids will see stuff. Add the Elf "magic" into the mix, and the fact that we generally like to have a tidy clean house by 24th as opposed to the current madness, and I'm fully demented. While he snores. Of course I could delegate, but I know he'd buy crap presents for his own Mum for example! Then there's the food. And when you're hosting, you've to think outside your normal shop, and have your different recipes in mind. It's a lot. Every year I say I'm starting shopping in June, and every year I don't. I watched this a few weeks ago and felt jealous of a time when the duties were to make the cake, make the pudding, and that was it!

But then I remember they had no washing machines or dishwashers.

Then his mum gets crap presents from her son. Say cheerfully and loudly at the start of December: ‘ I’m on the verge of a breakdown here and can’t face Christmas, Dh will be doing all presents for the extended family.’ Then you proceed to give no fucks. If its truly a crap present when she opens it you look a bit horrified and stare mortifiedly at dh and mmm sympathetically at mil, oh dear he’s always average wiht mine but I hoped he’d do better than that. We will have to work on him together (because hell will freeze over before you take over again)

LemonLimeFresca · 18/12/2024 22:49

Yanbu

mrlistersgelfbride · 18/12/2024 22:51

I have a bad marriage and 99% of it falls to me.
I thought it was quite unusual in this so solidarity here. If it was down to my other half my daughter would have no Christmas presents.
Combined with a December birthday child I feel like I'm going crazy every year.

Relate to a lot of what @Caiti19 says.
I do online shopping in the evening and stay up late sorting everything out. Shattered.

Caiti19 · 18/12/2024 22:52

thestudio · 18/12/2024 22:44

If you let him believe that decent men snore, and buy shit gifts, then he will. It shouldn’t be in you to tell him he’s not a decent, non-exploitative man, but it is, and it should only need saying once. Any man who continues once his eyes have been undeniably opened is just a non-decent, exploitative man.

Show quote history

He would do anything I asked him. But as previous poster said, not to my standards! He will be in the kitchen trenches with me on 24th and 25th. He just believes gifts should be "a wee token" whereas I think Christmas gifts should be really considered and as generous as possible. Never the twain shall meet!

Thisiswhathings · 18/12/2024 22:55

Unclench and let Christmas be , I'm sure people will enjoy it with you running yourself into the ground

TrainsCarsBoat · 18/12/2024 22:56

Genuine question but if your DH knows how much work it is, why don't you divide it equally?

DH and I always sort out our own parents, siblings etc so I only have mine to buy for. We share getting the kids' presents sorted. I do most of the wrapping because I'm neater (and quite enjoy it!), he does the majority of the cooking and me the washing up. It works well enough.

I also do more of the admin type stuff (remembering Christmas jumper days etc) as I'm on mat leave but we'll see how that works next year.

Screamingabdabz · 18/12/2024 22:56

WileyCyrus · 18/12/2024 22:39

I said the EXACT same thing to my friend this evening…fucking Santa does exist for my DP. Spoiler alert, it’s ME!!

Show quote history

Doesn’t that give you the ick? That you’re essentially his mother?

MushMonster · 18/12/2024 22:57

YABU if it feels too much and like work, just simplify Christmas!
It is a family time. It is to be full of warmth and fond memories. You can have turkey ham from a package and have great Christmas. Simple is good.

GettingStuffed · 18/12/2024 22:59

DH does far more than me. I'm usually on baking duty but DH does everything else.

Caffeineismydrug35 · 18/12/2024 23:00

You need to delegate the small stuff. I do all the organising, cooking etc but my husband will do the extra bits; while I’m cooking the extra food he will wash up, he’ll peel potatoes, clean. All the things that don’t need to be perfect (I don’t care if the floors aren’t perfect as long as my food tastes good). I’m particular about my food and gifting so I prefer to do that but DH can lighten the load.

Gingerisgoodforyou · 18/12/2024 23:01

Yes, 95% me. All the presents bar his to me. All our cards, 80% of the wrapping, all Christmas cooking, elves, most tidying, decorations, and almost all the childcare over the holidays. He'll do some food shopping, some cooking outside the main days, and put outside lights up.

He does work full time whilst I work 3 days pw, but all the load falls on me. If I didn't step up it would all be a bit shit for the kids, so I do, but I'm getting more resentful. I don't think he appreciates the mental load as he's never done it (and isn't that fussed about Xmas so isn't motivated).

Chipshopninja · 18/12/2024 23:01

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/12/2024 22:24

Not for me. DH makes the cakes and cooks Christmas dinner.

I get to do the pretty stuff.

Yep, this.

I wrap the presents and decorate the tree

He cooks

Fair division of labour and we both do what we enjoy/are good at

FancyAnxiety · 18/12/2024 23:02

jannier · 18/12/2024 22:27

It's what you allow it to be. why take it all on in the first place?

This. Do what you want and reduce expectations. Then sit back and sip wine - it’s a day off work!

Shakeyourbaublesandsmile · 18/12/2024 23:03

Holy moley YES!

the very thought of just going to work and then turning up to a festive break, all booked and packed….and presents ready wrapped….id be dead and in fecking heaven

that said he works more than me to pay for it all….circular shite of inequality patriarchy nonsense….and so it comes to pass - a spa day just for me when they all back at work n school etc