Annoyed at another school mum for overly trusting her daughter

[HelloUniverse]

My dd10 has been friends with a girls for a long time. Last week I received a text in the morning from her mum saying my dd was showing ‘threatening behaviour’ and was going to ‘spread nasty rumours’ about her friend and I should sort this out with my daughter. I asked my daughter and she denied it, and was a bit shocked her friend had said this about her. They went into school that day and played happily together and everything was fine. Even the friend’s mum acknowledged that they were both fine at school. AIBU to be annoyed at the mum for accusing my daughter automatically and not finding it strange that one minute she finds my daughter threatening and the next she’s best friends again? Luckily my daughter isn’t sensitive and has bigger things going on in her world that this doesn’t bother her. But it bothers me that my dd was accused of something (no witnesses or evidence) and the mum has just moved on, without even acknowledging her dd may have made this up?

The mother sounds very immature. I doubt the daughter made it up completely though

Did you ask her what she meant by threatening behaviour? And what rumours? Maybe she just believed her daughter as you would (and did) believe yours? If this girl is really making up stuff about your daughter, I'd be discouraging the friendship - are you happy for your daughter to carry on being friends with her?

I had similar. DS (when he was about 12) went on a sleepover and there were several boys there. One of the boys used their iPad to look up porn and then showed it to the younger boys. The mum contacted me to say it was DS so I spoke to him and he said it wasn't and he knew nothing about it. The mum then contacted school to say that DS was a pervert and shouldn't be allowed in the school. At that point one of the other boys confessed he had done it not DS. The school quite rightly said they couldn't take responsibility for something that happened outside school and told her to be very careful in future before accusing children.

The other mum never even said sorry. DS had been great friends with her son and kept receiving invites to go to his house but I refused them all - how could I trust her not to do something similar again.

I questioned the mum why she wants her dd to be friends with my dd if she feels she’s not a good friend by showing threatening behaviour and feels my dd is capable of spreading rumours. The mum insists that they are good friends and this shouldn’t stop them continuing to be so. Does that seem rational to you?

Exactly this, I can’t trust dd’s friend or her mother. The mother thinks I’m breaking up friendships. Honestly I don’t understand, I would be telling my daughter to stay away from anyone who was willing to make up rumours about them!

Maybe it isnt a rumour though. Maybe your DD is being unkind to the other girl. Id speak to the teacher about this to get a more balanced view.

Of course there’s no smoke without fire, I acknowledge that but the other mum is unwilling to acknowledge that her dd could have made it up or exaggerated the truth! My instinct wouldn’t be to tell the mum and still allow the girls to continue being friends…? I would want to avoid that girl at all costs!

Maybe your dd was nicer to her as she was called out on her mean girl behaviour?

There are no witnesses, they are even in different classes.

It’s possible. If I was the other mother, I would have at least waited for the rumours to be circulated and go in with some evidence, then the teachers could question the children. There is nothing to go on at this stage except her dd’s opinion and my dd’s opinion. It’s all hearsay!

There is some history with this other girl who often exaggerates the truth, and her mother believes every single word! But I didn’t want to mention it first as I didn’t want to cloud people’s judgement. I wanted to know if you take the history away, does her actions seem rational?

You're both making a mountain of a molehill.

I know, and I’m always the bigger person and letting things go, but this has really got to me, as I mentioned due to the history. So this time I’m actually telling the mother our DD’s shouldn’t be playing together, my daughter is a threat to her so that’s that. My husband thinks she’s a knob and I’ve bent over backwards in the past, but this time it’s really got me, you can’t accuse someone with no evidence then act everything is normal the day after.

The daughter was the witness. She experienced it.

What evidence could she have? It's not like the girl could film it

Sure, so was my daughter and her experience was different.

True, my daughter also can’t argue against it as she also didn't have evidence, so why wouldn’t the mum wait to see what actually happened?

Well as you said yourself, there's no smoke without fire.

It's entirely possible she's right to believe her DD and that once your DD knew she was rumbled, it put a stop to it and they started playing together like normal.

The truth is you'll never get to the bottom of it so no, I wouldn't be annoyed at a mother trusting her own daughter.

You clearly trust yours, apart from when you said 'there's no smoke without fire'.

She's already been hurt by rumours if she waits - and that sort of nonsense sticks even when teachers say to stop it.

Because as a parent your instinct is to defend your own child.

I would speak to her, face to face. Tell her how shocked you and your DD were. Tell her as well that while you understand there may well have been some kind of miscommunication her end (i.e. she got the wrong end of things) you absolutely don't expect to receive texts like that from her again.

Okay so the consensus seems to be that my dd did say she would start rumours, and showed threatening behaviour. Would you want your DD to continue to be friends with my DD?

In your shoes I would point out to your DD that her friend's 'exaggerations' could get your DD into a lot of trouble and that good friends don't act like that. I wouldn't be encouraging the friendship either - I don't like sneaky liars who get people into trouble for their own amusement.

Her mother is illogical and silly and I wouldn't bother talking to her about anything.

Well that’s obvious. I did the same thing.

Usually I always tell my DD to go and apologise for whatever has happened as it’s not worth the hassle and just be the bigger person etc… But this time it got to me as this is very out of character for my DD. Her school report came out yesterday, and to quote from it “Moreover, dd’s kindness
and caring nature significantly enhance the school atmosphere, making her a valued member of her community.”

Even her form teacher would have been shocked to hear what my dd had been accused of.

I don't think the other mum did anything wrong. If my DC said that another child was threatening them of course I would bring it up with that child's mum and try to get tot he bottom of things.