Annoyed at another school mum for overly trusting her daughter

[HelloUniverse]

My dd10 has been friends with a girls for a long time. Last week I received a text in the morning from her mum saying my dd was showing ‘threatening behaviour’ and was going to ‘spread nasty rumours’ about her friend and I should sort this out with my daughter. I asked my daughter and she denied it, and was a bit shocked her friend had said this about her. They went into school that day and played happily together and everything was fine. Even the friend’s mum acknowledged that they were both fine at school. AIBU to be annoyed at the mum for accusing my daughter automatically and not finding it strange that one minute she finds my daughter threatening and the next she’s best friends again? Luckily my daughter isn’t sensitive and has bigger things going on in her world that this doesn’t bother her. But it bothers me that my dd was accused of something (no witnesses or evidence) and the mum has just moved on, without even acknowledging her dd may have made this up?

I think if there’s a history with the other girl and mum, then back out.
if it’s first time, and they’re good friends usually - let it go and try not to get involved in friendship dramas they can be fairly intense at that age for next 3 or 4 years!
try and be a good listener, then ask if your child just wants to offload or wants suggestions. Wherever possible, unless obvious red flag situations best just to listen I reckon x

Exactly this, I’ve told my DD to stay clear as she keeps getting her into trouble, but this other girl just wants to continue being friends! My dd doesn’t need her, she’s popular, fun, caring, shines in everything she does, all the teachers absolutely love her. They tell me she’s an angel and I say “okay where is the real dd” because I know she’s well mannered and well behaved girl and have never had any reason to think otherwise, from other parents or teachers, except from this one girl!

She believes her child and you believe yours. Seems strange though that the other child was upset enough to mention it to her mother in the first place out of the blue like that.

I'd rather the behaviour stopped and they remained friends instead of having the big 'I'm not allowed to talk to you because my Mum hates you' or the playground politics of other kids feeling like they need to take sides for the next 2-9 years depending upon where they all go for Secondary and in all out of school activities.

Not going to mention that the reports are compiled from comment banks where any kid's name can be inserted automatically, especially in cases where a school wants to work upon kindness or to give all parents something to be pleased about

That tells me all I need to know...my kid can do no wrong, everyone loves her, she is an angel, shines in everything she does, she doesn't need this other girl.......

Speaks volumes.

Fair point on the report, I agree it’s all copy and paste but she is known in general for being kind and caring so it’s not that far off.

You have also assumed the other girl is telling the truth, what if she isn’t? What if this girl makes up more elaborate lies about my DD?

Of course she does wrong, she’s 10, but at school we have never had issues, sorry for stating all the above as fact?!?

You have also missed the bit where I said I tell her to go and apologise straight away, what ever she has done, she knows this, and yet she would cause trouble with this girl, also knowing what her mother is like?

Even her form teacher would have been shocked to hear what my dd had been accused of.

Are you sure about this? Are teachers so easily affected?
Don't teachers take all this nonsense in their stride?
I'd hope so.

I have no idea, I’ve never had to deal with teachers due to my daughter’s behaviour or because someone else has been mean to her. This other mother on the hand has been in several times with various issues here and there.

What exactly was she supposed to have done?

Have you spoken to her teacher?

Stop making accusations based on worst than 3rd hand information. You were not there and you know nothing. Kids make things up all the time. At this stage it’s equal odds that either child is in the wrong.

Sorry are you asking what my daughter was accused of? From the text message ‘showing threatening behaviour’ and about to ‘spread rumours’

No I haven’t as I feel this is so petty for school, but I have the energy to deal with the mother as usually I take the laid back approach and tell my DD to just apologise. But not this time.

Thank you 💐

Annoyed at another school mum for overly trusting her daughter

I asked my daughter and she denied it, and was a bit shocked her friend had said this about her.

So you automatically believe your DD just as much as she believed hers... theres zero proof your DD didn't threaten to spread a rumor other than you believe her. So you are literally doing the exact same thing.

Young kids fall out one minute and can be friends again the next over nothing and they often say stupid things while doing so.

My son was accused of bullying by his bully last year. His ex-best friend. She would call him the most horrible names and when he told her to go away, she'd make herself cry and go and tell teachers he had said mean things to her. I believed my kid because I'd witnessed her doing things like this when they were friends. Putting him down constantly and then crying when he stood up for himself even a tiny bit instead of falling over himself to win her over. The mum fell out with me over it and behaved like a playground bully herself. It was a really shit time for him.
So yes, kids absolutely can and do make up stuff like this. You know your kid, you probably know her "friend" pretty well too by now. If you're sure your child didn't do it, keep having their back.

100% agree with you, kids say things all the time, so I wouldn’t be accusing another child on a Text message. These girls have been good friends for a long time and I know the family well, I would even consider us parents as friends. I would make a judgement call knowing the girl and knowing the family, that if something happened and escalated I could talk to the parents, rather than going all guns blazing accusing a child of something via text!

Hmm… my money would be on your DD playing the hot and cold game.

Open your eyes and treat it as an opportunity to talk to DD about how to treat friends. Even if it’s false, it doesn’t hurt to reinforce good values. Turning a blind eye doesn’t help anyone (in the long run, bullies don’t tend to fair well).

Grow up. She raised an issue, via one text. Are you always so defensive?

I’m sorry to hear this 💐 and thank you for sharing.

Please read the thread, I never react, I always let things go, and be the bigger person. This is my first time reacting!

My issue is that ‘threatening behaviour’ implies her DD is anxious and scared around my DD
and can’t trust what she would say about her. Would you make your DD be friends with someone who is making them scared? Why would a mother encourage their child to be friends with someone who makes them scared? It doesn’t add up! Unless she didn’t say these things!!!!

No it doesn’t. Being threatened is a fact. It’s nothing to do with how it makes you feel. Someone saying “if you don’t do this, I going to tell everyone xx” doesn’t automatically mean the persons going to feel anxious about it. They may just think the other person is being unkind.

Youre being defensive.

I will likely be flamed for this, but it’s not uncommon for the child claiming they’re being bullied to actually be the bully. You only have to look at some of the posts on here, from adults who were bullied themselves where they were the ones being accused, to parents of children who have been bullied who have gone through similar.

My DS was friends with a kid in early primary whose mother was constantly saying that he was being bullied, that all the kids picked on him, that he was a victim, except it was the other way around. He was horrible. Would openly pick on smaller kids and his mother would just say that it’s his venting his frustrations, but it really wasn’t.

We moved away when DS was in y3 so didn’t keep up with them, but some years later another mum friend told me that when he was 16 he’d told everyone he had cancer and had a year to live, and then he started a collection so that he could do things he wanted to before he died. Except it was all lies.

Don’t get me wrong bullying is horrible and if another parent had approached me about my child I would bloody well want to know what that was about.

But I do think that sometimes it’s not all that black and white.

But yes, if this girl had been making unfounded allegations about your DD I would tell the mother that you would no longer be allowing the friendship, who spare her DD obviously. We’d soon see how that panned out.

Thank you! That’s is exactly my feeling, let’s assume my daughter is a bully, then stop
playing with her, win win!

Of course I am being defensive, my daughter has been accused of something which could be a lie. Strange comment. And feeling threatened is emotional, how can it not be? Especially for a child?