Annoyed at another school mum for overly trusting her daughter

[HelloUniverse]

My dd10 has been friends with a girls for a long time. Last week I received a text in the morning from her mum saying my dd was showing ‘threatening behaviour’ and was going to ‘spread nasty rumours’ about her friend and I should sort this out with my daughter. I asked my daughter and she denied it, and was a bit shocked her friend had said this about her. They went into school that day and played happily together and everything was fine. Even the friend’s mum acknowledged that they were both fine at school. AIBU to be annoyed at the mum for accusing my daughter automatically and not finding it strange that one minute she finds my daughter threatening and the next she’s best friends again? Luckily my daughter isn’t sensitive and has bigger things going on in her world that this doesn’t bother her. But it bothers me that my dd was accused of something (no witnesses or evidence) and the mum has just moved on, without even acknowledging her dd may have made this up?

Feeling threatened is a feeling.

BEING threatened is an action.

You've been defensive to every poster who doesn’t agree with you. Which just strengthens my suspicions on whose child is telling the truth.

Good for you! 👏👏👏

I'm replying to your question from the point of view you used - saying if it were true - but the same applies if it isn't.

I'd want all of the snippy, typical ten year snarking at one another, gossiping and 'I'm going to tell everybody and then they won't like you' behaviour to stop and for them to get along instead of sparking off a bunch of pre-teen drama, whoever is actually telling the truth.

Unfortunately, it is a pretty normal phenomenon with 9-10 year old girls from years of working in schools and volunteering with Brownies. The same girls who were all lovely to one another in Year 4 suddenly sit down for craft activities and start with the gossip and 'She said' comments by November of Year 5. I always jumped on them sharpish to put a stop to it in my presence, but it happened pretty much every year with every group that reached the same age.

One of mine was on the receiving end of it, the other wasn't - but she was always happier hanging around and being a wally, falling out of trees and doing stupid stuff with the two boys she'd grown up around instead. And she was diagnosed AuDHD, so didn't really have the attention span to notice or interest in their opinions to care if they were sitting around bitching about her anyhow.

“One of mine was on the receiving end of it, the other wasn't - but she was always happier hanging around and being a wally, falling out of trees and doing stupid stuff with the two boys she'd grown up around instead. And she was diagnosed AuDHD, so didn't really have the attention span to notice or interest in their opinions to care if they were sitting around bitching about her anyhow.”

This actually sounds a lot like my DD, very care free, doesn’t have the attention span to notice anything! Loves making a fool of herself! Which is why I feel it’s out of character for her to be ‘bitchy’! My other daughter on the other hand….

Children that age only see things from their own perspective, particularly social interactions. So one DC means to say "if you cheat at the game then I'm going to tell everyone" and the other person hears "I'm going to tell everyone youre a cheat" which quickly becomes "do what I say or I'll spread rumours about you" in the retelling.

My friends child was accused of some very petty but mean behaviour by a classmate at about that age, parent felt school hadn't done enough so contacted parent direct. It turned out to have been a quarrel over a pencil and 6 of one half a dozen of the other.

I agree, it’s so trivial at that age and as parents we should rise above it. The mum could have worded it much better like ‘my dd told me this happened, can you please ask your dd what happened because it doesn’t sound like she would say that and behave in that way’ of course whatever had happened my dd would have denied it, but the next day in school they had both moved on, so no harm done, and I would have had that gentle chat with my DD to remind her of how to behave with friends. And me and the mum would have laughed it off.

If she has an issue with how your daughter is behaving at school she should talk to the school. I hate this sort of thing. Of course nothing wrong with talking to your daughter about behaviour expectations and giving her opportunity to own up but also don't see why you should believe the other girl over your own child. There are kids who make stuff up and their parents are often the ones to start texting and making a big thing of it, there are a lot of kids who get attention and validation by doing this as parents obsess over other kids behaviour.

100% agree, thank you for your logical viewpoint!

@HelloUniverse someone has to be a grown up at the end of the day!

Yes you are right, but i’m tired of being the bigger person with this particular mum.

I’m also angry with my DD as I’ve warned her about this girl before and she’s put me in this situation again! As a family we just can’t understand why she would want to be friends with someone who paints her in a bad light.

The silver lining of course is that my reaction has made it difficult for her to come directly to me next time, so she will have to go through school if she has any more issues which is perfect!

I was asking if you are sure of your statement that the form teacher would be shocked.
You seem very sure for someone who now says they've not had to deal with teachers.
So how can you be sure they would be shocked?

What! She phoned the school and said your son was a pervert!

Who knows what actually happened. They are 10. It was probably a tiny squabble, they both would have said something like I’m not playing with you anymore and your DD has forgotten about, while the friend went home and told her mum. And now the mum has blown it out of proportion.
I wouldn’t have anything to do with that family again. I wouldn’t feel like my child was safe around the mum. I would request different classes, but if they play together that’s fine. But absolutely no play dates.

The other mother may have thought that by warning you she could stop the 'threatening behaviour' from your DD and, from her point of view, it worked. You believe your DD was never planning any misbehaviour but if the situation was reversed would you have actually sent your child to school, expecting them to be bullied, to get evidence? If your DD is as well-behaved and well-regarded as you claim then she is probably able to manage her friendships quite successfully. I think you, like the other parent, should step back and let the girls be friends or not, as they choose. You haven't any evidence of wrongdoing from the other girl at the moment, and I think teachers would prefer less petty drama to deal with.

We had an incident with a stepmother, who came to our house when dd was 11 (end of year 7) and ranted at me in a high-pitched squeal for 7/8 minutes without me being able to get a word in edgeways. Then turned on her heel and left. She was upset that my dd had introduced her dsd a porn grooming site, which has since been removed from the internet, that her dsd had subsequently shown to a 7 yo niece. Except my dd hadn’t introduced it to her dd. My dd there at the time but she thought it was disgusting. Otoh, the dsd was intrigued. (No blame is apportioned to this as at 11 I get she was just curious without understanding the implications.) It was a mutual friend, who had shared it… and another friend of my dd and that friend, who had shown it to her etc etc - as is the case with such things. I never outed that friend as I wasn’t going to send batshit woman to their door.

I had another visit from the batshit woman last year. Similar tone of voice etc. I said something she didn’t like, which escalated the situation. She left slamming the door so hard that it flew open again. Then the texts started. I replied once with a firm boundary and she flew off the handle, telling me I was 50% to blame for my dd having anorexia.

Unsurprisingly her dsd (girls both now 16) is not terribly emotionally stable. My dd put up with her mood swings for a long time. They’d been friends for 12 years. It blew up this year. Nothing dd did. Actually the dsd hounded one of dd’s friends, calling the friend nasty names. That friend ended up telling the dsd that my dd had said horrible things to her about this girl (all untrue as dd said she hadn’t, the friend just made it up). At the time my dd was incredibly ill with anorexia and it wouldn’t have entered her head to say such things, she was barely functioning. This completely blew up the friendship and the dsd sent my dd the most vile message I’ve ever read in my life. Such venom from a 16 year old is unreal. The text started by telling my dd (who had lost almost 30% of her body weight) to starve herself again as she is putting on weight. Suffice to say, they are no longer friends.

You have put up a good boundary for your dd. I learned very early on that any incidents, which happen at school should be addressed through the school to prevent upsets between adults. The children have often made up before the parents even fall out. And I learned from the interactions with this woman (who I was loosely friends with and forgave the first incident), that when people tell you who they are the first time, you should believe them.

You both sound less mature than your children you both don't know,what happened and you can 'yeah but what about this' all you want you weren't there i presume? And no neither was she but she is not one on here wanting us to tell you your daughter is innocent

It all sounds like Hollyoaks

I fully accept I’m being childish, and yes she started it 😂 but I’ve been driven to this after 6 years of tip-toeing around this mother and child.

Yes I know all this and agree with you, I’m a rational person, but if I can accept my child may not be the perfect angel she is, why can’t she?

Thank you, this is how I see it too 💐

I just want to add that we have a sleepover planned in our house in early January with this child and a few more. I suggested she may want to rethink attending? After all her DD doesn’t feel comfortable around my DD. (I’m also feeling anxious, what will I be accused of?) She thinks I'm breaking up the friendship circle. Thoughts?

Yes I’ve never had to deal with teachers about this type of ‘nonsense’ as you put it. Of course I’ve had to deal with teachers at parents evenings, all the various co-curricular activities, tea time concerts, school plays etc… hence I know the teachers well enough to know they would be surprised to hear that accusation.

@Upupandaway10 yes she did call the school who firmly told her to stop being ridiculous. But she still tried to get them to speak to us and DS about his behaviour even though it wasn't him who had done this thing.

Her son is now a young adult and has nothing to do with his family any more which is sad but I can imagine how hard living with her must have been

Aren't you doing exactly the same though? Believing your daughter is telling the truth without any evidence to either prove or disprove it?
I think YABVVU!

Are you honestly saying that if your daughter came to you upset that someone was threatening to tell everyone a rumour about her - you wouldn't do everything in your power to stop it? Are you honestly saying your response to your daughter would essentially be "sorry not my problem I can't do anything about that"

Even the threat can be devastating for a child!

That's exactly what my the school report would have said for my school bully! Despite what TV shows portray it isn't usually children who are horrible, nasty and disruptive in class that are the bullies they're usually quiet kind to everyone else.