Can I tell my therapist

[StillThinking20yearsLater]

I've had a fairly traumatic life, resulting in severe depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.

Because of this I've finally taken the plunge of getting counselling. Trying to help myself rather than keep burying it all down.

One thing I need to talk about is the abuse I experienced from my brother.
He is only 2 years older than me, so for many many years I thought it must be my fault.

I have never spoken to anyone about what happened. Actually that's not entirely true, when my brother was arrested for child pornography I told my (abusive)ex husband, as i thought it was my fault. For not coming forward.

He just laughed and said I was being ridiculous.

So I buried back down.

Anyway I do not want to go to the police or anything like that, but if I disclose this to a therapist will they legally have to inform the authorities?

So my aibu is
Yabu: tell them and the police will be called
Yanbu: get it off your chest it's old news.

Thank you.

@StillThinking20yearsLater

Your therapist has heard it all, nothing you can say will shock them.

As far as disclosure, you can ask "I am a victim of historical abuse. If I tell you about it are you mandated to/will you report it to the police?". Proceed from there depending on what they say.

Also, you can refuse to name or identify your abuser to your therapist and the police.

There is no requirement to disclose historical abuse. Only if the abuse is current and we deem the victim to be vulnerable (and, potentially, lack capacity). So yes, you can talk about it freely. But be prepared that the therapist might encourage you to contact the police but they won't insist on it.

There is no requirement to disclose historical abuse. Only if the abuse is current and we deem the victim to be vulnerable (and, potentially, lack capacity). So yes, you can talk about it freely. But be prepared that the therapist might encourage you to contact the police but they won't insist on it.

The one thing you can take from this thread is that different therapists have very different thresholds about what they hold confidential and what they will disclose to the police. It really depends on whether they work for a wider organisation, if they are in private practice and their understanding of risk. You really can’t go by what someone on here might or might not do, your own therapist is the only one who can tell you once they know more about your experience.

I disclosed historical abuse to my therapist and she did not report it to the police. Like you I have no desire to go through that. Mumsnet can flame me if it wants, but that’s my choice.

I understand if there was current abuse happening to a minor then that would need to be reported.

This and it was in very recent safeguarding that I attended and we were even encouraged to report to the police if the perpetrator was dead, because we would have knowledge of a crime being committed and would need to break confidentiality because of it.

I personally do not agree with it but wanted to be honest.

You can talk to your therapist as you're an adult and I assume you're not disclosing anyone is at current risk from him. Places like RASA provide therapy and even record perpetrator names without ever contacting Police as that needs to be your decision. You don't need to leave it buried through fear of someone telling Police x

Most therapists have no wish to disclose anything to the police - their priority is the wellbeing of their client and if the client doesn't want to report abuse then a therapist will gently avoid receiving any identifying information about an abuser so they aren't actually in a position to report anything. If they do have identifying information and reason to believe the abuser is in contact with children now, they may well be contractually or ethically obliged to report (depending on the policy where they work).

The therapy will be most effective if you can speak freely but it's definitely worth checking out with the therapist what they would be obliged to disclose. They will want to work with you in your best interests and keep you in control. And it's generally in a therapists interests to avoid the hoo ha of being involved with criminal justice system.

My therapist explained to me in a nutshell that if my disclosure involved a vulnerable person (i.e. child or disabled adult) and the perpetrator was still alive then she would have to disclose. Otherwise she wouldn’t. She was very open with it about me. In my case there was no immediate risk to me or anyone else so no police disclosure was necessary.

This is correct. If the person is alive, you know who they are and they may have access to children then I have to report.

I dont understand why anyone would 'flame you' when 5 of 6 rapes are not reported to Police

Also OP if you don't share a name then there's nothing to report regardless.

Because people hiding behind the anonymity of the internet can be weird.

I don’t have full confidence of who it was. Otherwise I might. What frustrates me is I disclosed it when I was 15 and no one did anything, when something could have been done.

Therapist won't tell the police. They might if you said you were being badly abused by someone at this present moment, to the point where you were in danger. But not about past things.
If you do tell them, that's one of the things they'll be trained in as often people seek therapy because of abuse. You'll be in the right place to talk about it if you're ready. I hope therapy is helping you x

I discussed historical abuse with several NHS therapists over a series of years - only one mentioned the police and it was my choice to or not. I think if your brother had kids and had not been arrested for child pornography I am guessing they would encourage you - but since he's already been marked as a pedophile I doubt the therapist would be taking it further but just ask them to double check for your peace of mind. Just literally say I would like to discuss historical abuse but I don't want to report to the police, the person has been arrested for child pornography - if I discuss my experience with you do you need to report to the police? I am not at risk from him.

Sorry this has happened to you I hope you find peace. When someone feels they are in danger their body goes into survival mode. None of this is your fault. I used to feel guilty I had not reported mine but I realised as an adult I did not even have the language as a child to explain my experience and I certainly didn't have someone I trusted to tell. I just wanted to to forget it and for it to go away - if course it doesn't it sits at the back of your mind everyday silently affecting your thoughts and decisions. You are very brave for addressing this but I hope once you do you will have some closure and be able to leave the past in the past.

No advice for you OP, just HUGE fucking hugs (((O)))

💖

I would ask the therapist first what her position would be.

You could also refer to him as a "close family member" to talk about your experiences if you felt outing him would result in the therapist informing the police.

Is your brother in jail? Please consider why you do not want to report this. What he has done is very wrong and has obviously resulted in many years of trauma for you.

She probably doesn't want to report this because it's a close family member, because of how retraumatising an investigation is, or because she doesn't want to, or thinks it won't add anything to her own recovery. All valid.

Therapist here and this isn't something I would break confidentiality for. I hope you can access support and feel some relief.

I'm a therapist in Ireland and current TUSLA guidance is that we actually have to report even if the abuser is dead. I find the rules around reporting historic abuse very frustrating tbh.

OP, as everyone else has said, ask your therapist about their policy. I would be legally required to report, but it depends where you live/ who the therapist is employed by.

I want to thank all of you for your replies, they have been extremely helpful.

I will ask my therapist what their rules are regarding this as it seems it does vary.

People have asked whether he is in prison, the answer is not anymore. He did time for the images but has since been released and was put on the sex offenders register.

I see little point in reporting my abuse, it was a long time ago. He is already on the register so children are protected. He has no access to children so dredging it up will get me no where other than extra stress that I cannot handle.

I'm so sorry for all of you that have suffered at the hands of others.

Thank you again.

With all this in mind I think it would be really good to tell your therapist about your abuse. He's already flagged as a threat. You don't need to hold back and you deserve support with this.

@leia24
I agree the reasons for not reporting it are valid. I don't think I would report it either.