Our cousins took our inheritance and gave it to their mother, I feel I can't carry on acting as if nothing has happened

[NeshButUpNorth]

My deceased mother had brothers and a sister. One deceased brother and the surviving sister (i.e. our aunt) had kids. We used to go on shared holidays twice a year with our aunt's kids, we've always got on well.

Our bachelor uncle died 2 years ago, with no will. When we were chatting a few months later, my aunt's eldest told me that they were going to try to "so what my uncle would have wanted". I assumed my cousin would contact me and my sister in the future to discuss this, since they would need us to sign off anything that would change the legally defined distribution (which is 1/6 each to me and my sister), since it would be a criminal offence to do otherwise, which my cousin must know, since their spouse is a director of a legal company.

A few months after my uncle died, my sister was diagnosed with incurable cancer, with months, possibly a year or two to live. She had to go on sick leave for the chemo and radiation treatment, etc. After 6 months, her sick pay dropped to 50%, and after a year was due to end. She asked me what was happening with our uncle's estate, this being around 18 months after he died, with the house sold 6 months previously. I had received no updates, so she sent a facebook message to our cousin who was dealing with the estate, asking for an update and she described her health/finance situation. To our surprise, our cousin told us that they had given all the money to my aunt, rather than the 1/3 share the law defined.

I was baffled why they'd do this without getting legal documents with our consent first. Before I had a chance to form any further opinion, my cousins blocked my sister on messenger and unfriended her on Facebook. I assume that they think that she has done something so awful that she should be shunned and disowned.

Since then, my sister has had no birthday cards from them or my aunt, and no Christmas cards so far, whereas they've carried on liking my family updates on facebook, and have sent me cheery Christmas cards which arrived a couple of days ago. My sister is dwelling on the idea that they've lied on the probate forms, pretending that our mother never existed.

I just feel queasy and sick about it, how can I carry on as normal with them, or visit them at Christmas, even though my sister has told me she doesn't want this to oblige me to distance myself.
I want to explain to them how upsetting this has been, I've lost lots of sleep over this over the past few months, but now Christmas is coming, I feel I should say something, surely if I don't it will look like tacit agreement that I agree with their actions.

I was thinking of writing to my cousin, telling them how unhappy and sad this makes me feel. I feel that they have been so unfair in acting as if my sister has done something wrong, whereas they did not tell us what they planned (hence us having to ask for an update), whereas they have in fact committed a criminal offence (which I might not highlight). I had been wishfully imagining that my aunt might be unaware of all this, but then when I woke up too early again today fretting about this, I realised that if she hasn't sent my sister a Christmas card, then she must know all about it.

Initially I had been thinking for months to send a letter explaining how I feel to my cousin. Then after realising that my aunt must know about this, I've been trying to write a letter to send to my aunt this morning, to send with a Christmas card, since she asked how we are in the card she sent to me.
Surely that's the best option. Then I felt ill writing it, then decided to ask for advice here.

I definitely can't just carry on as normal, and I don't think I can say nothing.

This is a good idea.

Solicitor..don’t bother with emotions, they know what they’ve done and I’m afraid family can be awful in situations like this, become people you don’t recognise and probabaly won’t again. Been there done that. Good luck

At best, they have made a mistake- sounds unlikely - at worst, they have screwed you and your sister out of £££ and are willing to block you in the hope it goes away.

What a sad life they have to screw close family out of 30k. Especially your sister.

Well let that be a lesson to us all. The law doesn’t account for ‘didn’t get round to it.’

https://legalservice.which.co.uk/insight-and-articles/who-can-inherit-if-there-is-no-will/?infinity=ict2~net~gaw~cmp~21273823436~ag~160803372383~ar~711908577318~kw~~mt~~acr~5973248672&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiA34S7BhAtEiwACZzv4Z3VlA7FFuGlzLmT98GcTSltqUiWPwtWgdSz-A0Ctz_TCYNj-tL2EhoCi3kQAvD_BwE

This is what you need

I think it took a year plus a couple of months to distribute my husband's estate. Part of the reason for the delay was Lockdown: my solicitor advised that funeral costs (which were paid straight away) also included any memorials so I couldn't calculate the precise amount in the moveable estate until after they were paid. There was a delay because of difficulty importing the stone, I was told. (For the Garden of Remembrance, only one design of memorial is allowed and you're told that the memorial is only "leased" for 10 yrs at a time though I've since been told that I'm allowed to take it away if I want so, I'm assuming that it's actually the space that's leased.)

There was also a delay in having an inscription added to an existing family memorial - a knock on effect from the stonemason's Covid backlog.

I'm not surprised the OP has struggled to confront her cousins over this. She has grown up with these people and has always believed they were close. It's very hard to accept when somebody you thought loved and respected you does something which indicates they really don't. We see it on MN all the time on the Relationships board. Women blindsided by a sudden discovery about a partner or spouse or child or parent. It must take time to process.

However, the OP has clearly done that now, and is preparing to challenge her cousins. Good luck!

I've had a long chat with my sister, and I think we will be starting the legal steps this week, I will draft something for her to check, which I suspect will be sent informally in parallel to a recorded delivery request for account of estate, distribution, etc. as advised by the solicitor I called about 6 weeks ago.

Excellent. i think you've been far too polite and dithering about this so far, these thieves were probably hoping that you wouldn't get their theft corrected by following up legally on what they've done.

absolutely shameful not to execute the will according to law - but most importantly, illegal.

morally and ethically we can all have opinions but they really don't matter. they have broken the law. it's as simple as that. they were hoping the emotion involved in situations like that would keep you quiet.

Did you mean to quote my post?

my comment refers to the uncle not making a will. There is no legislation that aims to guess at what someone might have wanted.

We aren’t in Covid now, and there isn’t a delay on distributing the will. The administrators have been very clear that they have distributed the whole estate, acted against the rules of intestacy and given the whole amount to their mum. That’s not a delay in distributing. That’s ignoring the law.

This reads as if you are scared of them.

And?

most of us don’t like confrontation, especially when you know it will blow apart the family, people will take sides, and that could well be the end of your relationships with all extended family members.

i am not “scared” of the family members that did the same to us, but I know them. I know they’re a narcissist with a talent for spinning stories that makes them look like the victim. I know they’re loud and opinionated and utterly convinced they are right, and more knowledgeable on any subject than anyone else.

i’ve had them write me nasty letters, accuse me of all sorts, instruct me (incorrectly) on the law and what I “must” do, set me “legal”
deadlines and accuse me of acting outside the law. Refusal to produce requested documents, then allege it is me holding things up maliciously.

it’s a horrible process, sitting waiting for the next letter to drop on the mat.

even if you aren’t scared, it can fuck with your MH, make you doubt yourself, and cause a lot of stress.

fortunately there are enough funds that I have a solicitor supporting me through all this, so I am sure of every action I take. It’s still not great though.

This is the way to go - I would not waste time with Christmas cards at this point. And do you really expect to have a relationship with them going forward, knowing that you cannot trust them?

And is them liking your Facebook posts worth the missed inheritance and the stress this has no doubt caused? You already know they are dishonest people, I would not value their cheery social media messages, if I were you.

Well said.

How coincidental that the “way he would have wanted it” benefitted that particular branch of the family 🙄🙄. If he felt that strongly he would have done a Will. He didn’t so it’s the intestacy rules whether they like it or not. That’s the law.

As I suggested above, the executor or administrator can vary how the money is given out...but only if they take it out of their share, as I did with regard to my husband's grandchild. (During lockdown, DH told me what he wanted the grandchild to get, and that was honoured - but only taken from my money, not from the other beneficiaries.)

They can vary how the money is given out from anyone’s share - but the beneficiaries who will be worse off as a result all have to agree to it. They can’t decide how other people’s shares will be distributed without their consent. Minors can’t give consent. It’s called a deed of variation.

Yes, I recall that happening in one case in my family - but as you say, all beneficiaries would have had to agree.

In the case of my husband's estate, there was no question of that.

it is, but I already have their contact details anyway

yes this was all about the emotional side, even after making my mind up about how to go forward, I woke up today thinking what if it's an innocent mistake?"
My brain keeps trying to find reasons to believe that my cousins have acted in good faith. It does seem very unlikely really, and I think I will have to accept that.

It may well be an innocent mistake (I doubt it though).

The easiest way to determine if it is a mistake rather than deliberate is, as some other posters have already said, is to send them a simple letter.

Saying something like, I understand that since Uncle Bill died without making a will then me and my sister are entitled to a share of the estate and when are you going to send us our share of the money?

Their response (or even lack of response) will make it very clear whether it was an innocent mistake or not.

Putting them in the best possible light, it may be that it was actually an innocent mistake at first, but now that they realise they have made a mistake they are not willing to correct it.

No

It goes too all the siblings, with the children of dead siblings getting a proportion of what their parent would have inherited

Innocent mistake 🙄. Quite sweet that you even see that as a possibility

If it was my family Îd have been on the phone to them by now. Î’d say there seems to be a mistake and give them a chance to explain and rectify things immediately. If nothing came of that then legal route it would have to be .

The longer you leave it the more likely the money will have been spent which might complicate things further

There's a few of us on this thread who erroneously thought an estate goes to one NOK. Maybe it was a mistake? Because if it wasn't a mistake, how on earth did they think they were going to get away with it?

Almost the strangest aspect of this is that they blocked and unfriended OP's sister but are acting as if nothing has happened with OP.

Anyway, I'm pleased to see OP has a plan of action now. It's dreadfully sad that this is all happening while her sister is dying of cancer and probably won't get to benefit from any of the comfort that some of that money could bring. So sorry you and your sister are going through this horrible time OP .

If it was a mistake, as a lawyer he should be fired.