Fall out between DH and I… who is BU??

[TheGoldEagle]

DH has been working away for 6 week. Meanwhile, I’ve been working and taking care of our two DC. We don’t have much of a support network here, and unfortunately I was quite unwell while he was gone, so it’s been tricky. DH’s work trips are genuinely not very labour intensive. There is a lot of nights out (optional) but he enjoys that element of it, and the work days are short. I never, ever begrudge him going away and have supported this for many years.

DH got home yesterday and gave my DC a little gift each. A pair of slippers. He got the sizes totally wrong. Bought a pair for age 2 for our 7 year old and age 5 for our 10 year old. The sizes were in EU sizes, but he only needed to text me or Google their U.K. sizes and check. He had promised them a gift and both were so excited, but both acted as though they weren’t disappointed, but as their mum, I knew they were.

Also, I spent most of the day yesterday cleaning and the plan was that DH was going to spend the day with the kids and I was going to catch up on my own work, which I’ve fallen behind with, as I’ve had a lot going on lately. When DH was on his return journey yesterday, he text saying he didn’t feel great. He seemed fine but a little congested when he got home. And today, he has spent the whole day in bed. I took the kids out, since they had been stuck home the day before, and am now just falling further behind.

The kids were so desperate to see him and I feel like he’s just totally let them down. But also wonder if I’m just being annoyed because I have had no choice but to power through, and he’s now having a day in bed at the first sign of the sniffles!

Is it me? Am I the issue here?

It's easy to pick up illness on flights so think that's not really his fault. You could say it'll help you out if he can do some sofa and TV time with them this evening so you can work.

Gifts a bit lazy, suggest he gets them something else

He didn’t fly. He drove along with his colleagues who he spent the trip with.

He was a bit thick on the gifts and could have asked you sizes - but wanting to rest after being ill is perfectly valid.

It's a bit crap he didn't make the effort to spend any time with the DC.

It’s not his fault that he is ill.

I understand how you feel OP, you have been at home caring for the kids and working and were in need of some time out. He wasn't feeling well and has gone to bed with a sniffle, I'd be upset too. Re the wrong size slippers; annoying, yes but probably magnified due to other factors. Husband can get them another present. Please speak your your husband about how you feel

The OP managed to single handedly look after both kids for days when she was ill. This bloke has the sniffles and needed to take to his bed? He's pathetic.

Agreed - not sure why he’s getting off so lightly! He could’ve done what everyone else has to do when they feel ill and have to look after kids, and watched a few films with them - at least OP would’ve had a break.

It wasn’t OPs fault she was really ill while he was away on his jolly, but still had to look after the kids.

Slippers are a shit gift when you’ve promised a gift to your 7 & 10 yr olds who haven’t seen you for 6 weeks.

DH sounds like he’s had 6 weeks out on the piss most nights and can’t hack the pace, and the sniffles he’s come home with is more likely tiredness and being a bit run down because he’s not bothered to look after himself. He needs to suck it up and look after his kids, get them a nice present, say thankyou to OP for supporting him to live this lifestyle his work apparently requires, and give her a fucking break.

Bloody hell OP, that is some selfish lazy loser you have on your hands.

Your poor children.
What a waster.

What EXACTLY is the point of him?

He sounds pathetic and pointless.

Well he's probably not going to feel great if he's spent a week going out drinking every night like a 20 something. Bet he's exhausted. Next time tell him if he can't come back and be on decent form for the DC them he needs to rein in the socialising. That you've been extremely supportive of his week living the life of Riley but you won't be in future if he doesn't step up when he gets home.

Why so many posts making excuses for him. He's just a shit OP and you know it otherwise you wouldn't be writing about his shitty behaviour on here.
Either stop letting him getting away with it or tell him to piss off.

I don't understand the first couple of posts on this thread bending over backwards to sympathise and excuse OP 's DH and his self centered , unattractive and childish behaviour!
She has to manage single handed at home while she is ill. He is away " working" but having a full social life. He wasn't even interested in his own children enough to get their presents right.
What a selfish man.
You are right to be upset OP. He obviously takes you for granted.

Thank you @Whathappensnowplease. This is how I feel. The gifts are just another indication of the lack of effort. I told him I’m upset and he’s now annoyed at me and thinks I’m being totally unreasonable. He says he did his best with the gifts. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Is this the constant pattern for him OP? Or is he just ill and got the present wrong this time?

He’s been gone for 6 whole weeks somewhere close enough to drive to? why are you even married!

My 7yo wouldn't have held back on how awful the gift was.

Sniffles or no sniffles, Daddy would have been dragged into the toy shop the next day to make amends.

Your DH is lame.

The slippers thing is the worst of it for me. How many of us mothers here would make a mistake like that? I’m betting absolutely zero. But probably a solid 25% of fathers would. My DH wouldn’t even attempt to buy the kids’ shoes. It’s infuriating.

He might have driven from France. Particularly as the slippers didn't have the UK sizes on them it may not be UK based.

If your partners working pattern doesn't work or is incompatible with family life then it needs to change. At the moment you are the default parent. Having spent 6 weeks away from his children, he can't suck up having the sniffles to be present for them. He chose not to google the equivalent uk shoe sizes so his kids could receive presents they could actually use. After all of that he's made himself the victim. What good is he to you exactly? How is he a partner in life to you? How is he a decent parent?

Yes but even France / mainland Europe is expect a quick trip home in the middle. When we sent people to the US we wouldn’t even expect them to go for 6 weeks without a trip home (obviously some exceptions, like Army etc, but this doesn’t sound like that sort of job).

Got my hard hat and bullet proof vest on as I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. Work trips are not holidays. Six weeks is a long time to be away working and being forced to socialise with work colleagues. There isn’t really anywhere to get gifts especially if driving to mainland Europe. Services? Chunnel/ferry ? You also can’t plan when you fall ill. I understand it was hard for you being ill while he was away, and you had to cope alone. However, this doesn’t justify him having to cope with the DC alone when you are there.

I don’t think it is wise to play top trumps on who is most tired in this kind of situation where you are both going to be digging deep to get to the other end.

Tell him that you really hope he didn't "do his best" with the presents for your DC because he failed miserably. I'm sure he can do better and should go out now and get some sweets for them.

Part of your annoyance is down to you struggling while he was away, despite feeling unwell. Does he know you have been having a hard time and are behind with work? He's had six weeks of pleasing himself, only having to think about his own wants. So tell him you're glad he's back and the DC are really looking forward to spending time with him. Don't be a martyr, you shouldn't have to spell all this out for him but don't just let resentment build up.

I tend to agree with this.

He seems to be living the life of Riley with you doing very significantly more.