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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fall out between DH and I… who is BU??

103 replies

TheGoldEagle · 15/12/2024 18:34

DH has been working away for 6 week. Meanwhile, I’ve been working and taking care of our two DC. We don’t have much of a support network here, and unfortunately I was quite unwell while he was gone, so it’s been tricky. DH’s work trips are genuinely not very labour intensive. There is a lot of nights out (optional) but he enjoys that element of it, and the work days are short. I never, ever begrudge him going away and have supported this for many years.

DH got home yesterday and gave my DC a little gift each. A pair of slippers. He got the sizes totally wrong. Bought a pair for age 2 for our 7 year old and age 5 for our 10 year old. The sizes were in EU sizes, but he only needed to text me or Google their U.K. sizes and check. He had promised them a gift and both were so excited, but both acted as though they weren’t disappointed, but as their mum, I knew they were.

Also, I spent most of the day yesterday cleaning and the plan was that DH was going to spend the day with the kids and I was going to catch up on my own work, which I’ve fallen behind with, as I’ve had a lot going on lately. When DH was on his return journey yesterday, he text saying he didn’t feel great. He seemed fine but a little congested when he got home. And today, he has spent the whole day in bed. I took the kids out, since they had been stuck home the day before, and am now just falling further behind.

The kids were so desperate to see him and I feel like he’s just totally let them down. But also wonder if I’m just being annoyed because I have had no choice but to power through, and he’s now having a day in bed at the first sign of the sniffles!

Is it me? Am I the issue here?

OP posts:
NameChanges123 · 15/12/2024 19:45

@TheGoldEagle : Thank you @Whathappensnowplease. This is how I feel. The gifts are just another indication of the lack of effort. I told him I’m upset and he’s now annoyed at me and thinks I’m being totally unreasonable. He says he did his best with the gifts. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Book yourself a holiday for a week and see how he manages alone (then bring him some child sized slippers back as a gift)!

IchiNiSanShiGo · 15/12/2024 19:46

I assume he’s contributed to buying and wrapping the kids Christmas presents, and will be cooking and cleaning up after Christmas dinner?

Anotherparkingthread · 15/12/2024 19:55

The gift thing is shitty and thoughtless.

The travel and illness is totally reasonable. I've spent a whole day in bed after long travel alone, if he's picked up a bug as well, and there's a ton going around, bed is probably the best place for him.

PonyPatter44 · 15/12/2024 19:59

He sounds like a right dribbler. What sort of man doesn't know his kids' shoe sizes, and STILL buys crappy slippers as a gift, and then whines about having a cold? He sounds a real catch, and i would be having a serious come-to-Jesus talk with him. He needs to grow up and sort his shit out.

HolyStyleFailBatman · 15/12/2024 20:04

Yeah I could overlook getting the slipper sizes wrong, pathetic as it is. But why didn’t he get sweets or a small toy to go with them? At that age, kids are happy with any crap, they are not difficult to please when it comes to presents. And after 6 weeks to make no effort to spend any time with them to reconnect?!

Sorry Op but you’ve got a dud there.

Coalplay · 15/12/2024 20:10

You for your poor grammar in the thread title

Talipesmum · 15/12/2024 20:10

TheGoldEagle · 15/12/2024 19:16

Thank you @Whathappensnowplease. This is how I feel. The gifts are just another indication of the lack of effort. I told him I’m upset and he’s now annoyed at me and thinks I’m being totally unreasonable. He says he did his best with the gifts. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

He did his best? And that’s as good as it gets? Buying a size specific item for his own children and not checking, not googling, not even able to sense check visually? Not erring too large so they can grow into them? If that’s his best, genuinely, he’s pathetic. What he means probably is “I did something and don’t expect to be held to account, it’s not my fault”

Rhaidimiddim · 15/12/2024 20:14

TheGoldEagle · 15/12/2024 18:34

DH has been working away for 6 week. Meanwhile, I’ve been working and taking care of our two DC. We don’t have much of a support network here, and unfortunately I was quite unwell while he was gone, so it’s been tricky. DH’s work trips are genuinely not very labour intensive. There is a lot of nights out (optional) but he enjoys that element of it, and the work days are short. I never, ever begrudge him going away and have supported this for many years.

DH got home yesterday and gave my DC a little gift each. A pair of slippers. He got the sizes totally wrong. Bought a pair for age 2 for our 7 year old and age 5 for our 10 year old. The sizes were in EU sizes, but he only needed to text me or Google their U.K. sizes and check. He had promised them a gift and both were so excited, but both acted as though they weren’t disappointed, but as their mum, I knew they were.

Also, I spent most of the day yesterday cleaning and the plan was that DH was going to spend the day with the kids and I was going to catch up on my own work, which I’ve fallen behind with, as I’ve had a lot going on lately. When DH was on his return journey yesterday, he text saying he didn’t feel great. He seemed fine but a little congested when he got home. And today, he has spent the whole day in bed. I took the kids out, since they had been stuck home the day before, and am now just falling further behind.

The kids were so desperate to see him and I feel like he’s just totally let them down. But also wonder if I’m just being annoyed because I have had no choice but to power through, and he’s now having a day in bed at the first sign of the sniffles!

Is it me? Am I the issue here?

Sounds like my ex.

Not much interested in the kids except as cheerleaders for Daddy despite the truly thoughtless useless crap presents.

The slightest snuffle an excuse to bin off the kids and any other domestic responsibilities.

And expects his mum-wife-nanny-maid to keep the home fires burning, while smiling.

He really needs to up his game on the home front, and you need to up your expectations of what a husband should be.

AngryBookworm · 15/12/2024 20:20

Sounds like you need some time away to recharge @TheGoldEagle and definitely some days where you work in the office or a workspace - anything where you're out of the house and your DH can do some parenting. The presents are crap too -he needs to make up for those with something that fits or doesn't have a size. I'm sorry, he's being crap.

stanleypops66 · 15/12/2024 20:25

He's being selfish. I don't know any mums who return from a work trip and don't take over/ get stuck in straight away, regardless of them feeling under the weather or tired.

SuperfluousHen · 15/12/2024 20:28

TheGoldEagle · 15/12/2024 19:16

Thank you @Whathappensnowplease. This is how I feel. The gifts are just another indication of the lack of effort. I told him I’m upset and he’s now annoyed at me and thinks I’m being totally unreasonable. He says he did his best with the gifts. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

That was “his best” ? 🤔
I’m so sorry, OP. He’s a dud. 😢

justasking111 · 15/12/2024 20:34

My friend whose husband goes away for weeks at a time lives like a king eating out, sightseeing as well as working. She has cracked it by booking a long weekend in Europe with a couple of friends or mum and sister . He gets back. She's packed and ready to go.

Another friend books spa breaks with old school friends.

Works for them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2024 20:42

God he’s pathetic. Neither of us would spend the day in bed with a cold while the other was trying to work around the kids. And who doesn’t know their child’s foot size?

Oneanonymouspost · 15/12/2024 20:49

Honestly not getting the sympathy for DH here! Every parent knows there’s no such thing as a proper sick day when you have children at home. A long lie, a few hours nap, a day of lazy parenting with the kids in front of the tv, all absolutely fine if your not feeling great but a full day in bed because of a COLD is ridiculous! I would have handed him some Vicks, some paracetamol a glass of water and went to the library to do some work. And that’s ignoring the 6 weeks he’s been away living his best life!

IchiNiSanShiGo · 15/12/2024 20:50

Anotherparkingthread · 15/12/2024 19:55

The gift thing is shitty and thoughtless.

The travel and illness is totally reasonable. I've spent a whole day in bed after long travel alone, if he's picked up a bug as well, and there's a ton going around, bed is probably the best place for him.

It’s a 6 hour drive one way, to spend 6 entire WEEKS there, then a 6 hour drive home. It’s not that reasonable to be ill from that.

Codlingmoths · 15/12/2024 20:51

I think you say clearly that day you spent in bed, imagine spending it non stop solo parenting instead. That was me, and no recovery no support. So yes I do really resent that, it’s very unfair and anyone would. It was really hard this time round to just parent endlessly while feeling terrible. You got to go to bed for a day now you could be supportive to me, or next time this happens I might stop supporting your working away.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 15/12/2024 20:51

He's a fucking loser. My DH works away for weeks at a time then comes back and renovates the house. He doesn't take to his fainting couch with sniffles.

jay55 · 15/12/2024 21:00

He could have had a watch Christmas films with the kids day while you caught up on work.
He's a shit.

devilspawn · 15/12/2024 21:01

IchiNiSanShiGo · 15/12/2024 20:50

It’s a 6 hour drive one way, to spend 6 entire WEEKS there, then a 6 hour drive home. It’s not that reasonable to be ill from that.

Show quote history

I went to Ireland, was less than an hour on the plane, but I got ill because I caught covid. It could have been one of a zillion things he picked up, one of my friends has had flu 3 times in the past month. Viruses don't measure your travel time home to decide whether to infect you.

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 15/12/2024 21:03

TheGoldEagle · 15/12/2024 19:16

Thank you @Whathappensnowplease. This is how I feel. The gifts are just another indication of the lack of effort. I told him I’m upset and he’s now annoyed at me and thinks I’m being totally unreasonable. He says he did his best with the gifts. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Well his best is piss poor then, isn't it! Doesn't he feel pathetic and embarrassed that that's the best he could do?!

What a loser. Slow clap for that brilliant effort.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 15/12/2024 21:05

Viruses don't measure your travel time home to decide whether to infect you.

OP had to just crack on with it when she was ill though. The least he could do is the same.

Thatcastlethere · 15/12/2024 21:07

What's the point of him?
Wouldn't you be better off if you separated?

Lambington · 15/12/2024 21:21

What does he do for a job? It can't be anything particularly important, difficult or well paid if he's unable to buy two pairs of slippers that fit his own children.

SnoopySantaPaws · 15/12/2024 21:41

What would piss me off first is the slippers. Firstly Dad has been away 6 weeks and he brings back slippers?!!?! Don't his eyes work?? You'd only have to look at them to see they're never going to fit. Were they 'special interest' slippers? Surely they'd have preferred toys/book even/giant tinkering over slippers?? (Even if they had fit)

I wouldn't have taken them out for the day, you took away any opportunity for him to get up & spend some time with the kids and give you some time to do some work.

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/12/2024 21:41

All of it is shitty

He's not dying of flu he's got a bit of a sniff and he's a bit knackered, as anyone would be. As PP said, he COULD have dragged down duvets and given the kids a duvet day on the sofa with snacks and films.

A drive back of 6 hours, shared between a bunch of people you've spent 6 weeks with is absolutely not comparable to say a 6 hour flight with a bunch of total strangers and all their new germs.

He's had 6 weeks to come up with gifts, he's very clearly grabbed something he knows is poor (which is why he didn't ask sizes, as this would reveal how late on he bothered and that there was a shit selection because he'd left it so late and he'd have been told it was a shit gift) but thinks 'it will do, at least I have produced something' which is about as 'bare minimum' as gifts go and poor if the recipients were distant in-laws you really don't like, not your own fucking kids!

If he genuinely finds accomplishing such a simple task as buying two small children he ought to know extremely well, a couple of gifts, then how the fuck does he have a bloody job in the first place?!