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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fall out between DH and I… who is BU??

103 replies

TheGoldEagle · 15/12/2024 18:34

DH has been working away for 6 week. Meanwhile, I’ve been working and taking care of our two DC. We don’t have much of a support network here, and unfortunately I was quite unwell while he was gone, so it’s been tricky. DH’s work trips are genuinely not very labour intensive. There is a lot of nights out (optional) but he enjoys that element of it, and the work days are short. I never, ever begrudge him going away and have supported this for many years.

DH got home yesterday and gave my DC a little gift each. A pair of slippers. He got the sizes totally wrong. Bought a pair for age 2 for our 7 year old and age 5 for our 10 year old. The sizes were in EU sizes, but he only needed to text me or Google their U.K. sizes and check. He had promised them a gift and both were so excited, but both acted as though they weren’t disappointed, but as their mum, I knew they were.

Also, I spent most of the day yesterday cleaning and the plan was that DH was going to spend the day with the kids and I was going to catch up on my own work, which I’ve fallen behind with, as I’ve had a lot going on lately. When DH was on his return journey yesterday, he text saying he didn’t feel great. He seemed fine but a little congested when he got home. And today, he has spent the whole day in bed. I took the kids out, since they had been stuck home the day before, and am now just falling further behind.

The kids were so desperate to see him and I feel like he’s just totally let them down. But also wonder if I’m just being annoyed because I have had no choice but to power through, and he’s now having a day in bed at the first sign of the sniffles!

Is it me? Am I the issue here?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 15/12/2024 21:46

What a useless pathetic excuse of a father

add entitled into that mix too!

you do not get to do this after you have been on a work trip, staying in nice hotels, having your meals provided and dining out most nights under the guise of networking with clients etc

don’t give him an inch - he’s clearly detached and living in his own selfish world

HELLO asshole get a grip! My message to him!

beetr00 · 15/12/2024 21:55

TheGoldEagle · 15/12/2024 19:16

Thank you @Whathappensnowplease. This is how I feel. The gifts are just another indication of the lack of effort. I told him I’m upset and he’s now annoyed at me and thinks I’m being totally unreasonable. He says he did his best with the gifts. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

if he really cannot comprehend the issue with the children's gifts, perhaps suggest that the next time you want to buy him a gift, it will be fine for you to choose an XS, when in fact he needs a L/XL, because you tried your best!! Foolish fellow.

He does need to step up though @TheGoldEagle 💐

healthybychristmas · 15/12/2024 22:42

Well I thought was his best he's absolutely fucking useless. And if he performed like that at work he'd be fired.

Don't let him get away with that. He needs to go out and get those poor children a present, a proper present and apologise sincerely for the crap one he bought them.

Was there really no way he could've come home in six weeks even for just a night?

lto2019 · 15/12/2024 22:57

You're basically a single parent when he is away - so the least you expect when he is back is to try and spend time with his children and give you a break from having them 24/7.
Taking to his bed is a bit much unless he is seriously under the weather. Is he ill or is he just tired from all the heavy socialising he has been doing?
I think saying he did his best with the slippers shows his best is pretty poor

SnoopysHoose · 15/12/2024 23:48

Why are pps saying he's 'ill', he's a bit congested and probably knackered with 6 weeks of nights out after his short work days, hardly a reason to fuck off for day in bed after not seeing his kids for so long.
I'd be raging in OPs shoes

Goldbar · 15/12/2024 23:51

Maybe suggest a tent in the garden so he doesn't infect the kids?

Riesel · 15/12/2024 23:58

I’d be worried and suspicious tbh he sounds very distant like he’s detached himself from his family. Ok I’m going to be that person but - do you trust him to be faithful?

I don’t have kids but I would’ve easily got a better present for any of my friends kids and how could he not see the slippers looked far too small?

He’s checked out.

AmethystRuby · 15/12/2024 23:59

it seems like he's quite detached from
home life. away for 6 weeks and then cant spend the day with his kids because he's a bit unwell. thats really really poor.

TyneTeas · 15/12/2024 23:59

Before we even get into them being the wrong size and his possibly strategic unwellness...

Slippers? Slippers!

Was he never an actual child himself!?!

What child wants slippers as a present?

Oh dear!

NoBinturongsHereMate · 16/12/2024 00:08

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 15/12/2024 19:38

Got my hard hat and bullet proof vest on as I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. Work trips are not holidays. Six weeks is a long time to be away working and being forced to socialise with work colleagues. There isn’t really anywhere to get gifts especially if driving to mainland Europe. Services? Chunnel/ferry ? You also can’t plan when you fall ill. I understand it was hard for you being ill while he was away, and you had to cope alone. However, this doesn’t justify him having to cope with the DC alone when you are there.

I don’t think it is wise to play top trumps on who is most tired in this kind of situation where you are both going to be digging deep to get to the other end.

There isn’t really anywhere to get gifts especially if driving to mainland Europe.

Don't be ridiculous. He wasn't locked in the car for 6 weeks, and it's not an Antarctic station. At some point during the 6 weeks he must have been in the vicinity of a newsagent where he could have got foreign chocolates/sweets/biscuits that a 7 or 10 year old would appreciate more than age-2 slippers.

ScribblingPixie · 16/12/2024 00:12

Your husband spending long periods away and leaving you to cope alone isn't working. And not bringing back proper gifts or making a fuss of his kids when he returns isn't good enough. He doesn't much sound like he's thrilled to be home tbh, OP. I'd be looking for some changes.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 16/12/2024 00:13

NoBinturongsHereMate · 16/12/2024 00:08

There isn’t really anywhere to get gifts especially if driving to mainland Europe.

Don't be ridiculous. He wasn't locked in the car for 6 weeks, and it's not an Antarctic station. At some point during the 6 weeks he must have been in the vicinity of a newsagent where he could have got foreign chocolates/sweets/biscuits that a 7 or 10 year old would appreciate more than age-2 slippers.

Show quote history

Those aren’t proper gifts either!! 🤣

NoBinturongsHereMate · 16/12/2024 00:17

They're better than slippers that don't fit!

Mirabai · 16/12/2024 00:19

TheGoldEagle · 15/12/2024 19:16

Thank you @Whathappensnowplease. This is how I feel. The gifts are just another indication of the lack of effort. I told him I’m upset and he’s now annoyed at me and thinks I’m being totally unreasonable. He says he did his best with the gifts. 🤦🏻‍♀️

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Is that really his best? Not even being arsed to text you for the kids shoe sizes?

What does his worst look like?

MotherOfRatios · 16/12/2024 00:22

FrostyTheSnowHuman · 15/12/2024 19:21

The slippers thing is the worst of it for me. How many of us mothers here would make a mistake like that? I’m betting absolutely zero. But probably a solid 25% of fathers would. My DH wouldn’t even attempt to buy the kids’ shoes. It’s infuriating.

This! People think parenting been gendered is just looking after the kids but it's also the mental load!

FeedMeSantiago · 16/12/2024 08:37

My Dad worked away when I was a child. He did loads around the house when he was back for a few days. Did cleaning and hoovering etc and also did the cooking. Plus he batch cooked some meals for Mum to reheat for us when he was away to reduce her work load when she was solo parenting.

He also greatly appreciated everything Mum did at home when he was away. He wanted to spend time with me when he was home too, even when he was shattered.

His shift work was stressful but when away he had a room at work, so no commute and his time between shifts was his to relax as he wished. He recognised Mum didn't have that and gave her a break when home.

It's not difficult to do but OP's DH didn't do any of that. I'd be fuming!

LetsNCagain · 16/12/2024 08:45

Yanbu OP. He sounds like he's completely checked out of family life. Does he do long trips regularly? Does he just not know his kids? How can you look at a tiny pair of toddler slippers and think, yep that'll fit my 7yo?!

My dh takes one 1-week trip per year and makes a big deal of giving me at least a day "off" parenting when he gets back, and I make a big deal of what a martyr I've been doing everything solo for a week. He also brings home gifts for all of us that we genuinely like. After just a week...I couldn't survive a whole 6 weeks solo, so hats off to you op, your kids are lucky to have one fab parent at least!

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 16/12/2024 08:46

I'd tell him to take the kids to buy replacement gifts and to get his arse out of bed.

pizzaHeart · 16/12/2024 09:17

TheGoldEagle · 15/12/2024 19:16

Thank you @Whathappensnowplease. This is how I feel. The gifts are just another indication of the lack of effort. I told him I’m upset and he’s now annoyed at me and thinks I’m being totally unreasonable. He says he did his best with the gifts. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

He would be better off buying some chocolates on the way considering children’s ages.
I would be furious OP if I were you.
My DH doesn’t buy gifts as such when he is away, I used to buy one for DD when she was little and gave it to him secretly on arrival 🙂. Now he just buys a box of local chocolates or any fancy chocolates from an airport. But he always uses time away for working as much as possible. He goes out for dinners of course but it’s definitely not a shorter hours - it’s actually longer ones as instead of doing something with DD or DIY in the evening he continues working at the hotel. He won’t go sightseeing on a short day, he stays working to maximize the times away. And he makes travel plans thoughtfully considering what plans we have next day as a family.
So if he is coming back unwell I know it’s one of this unfortunate things and I never complain about lack of presents.

Comtesse · 16/12/2024 09:34

What a hopeless specimen. I would be very disappointed.

cheddercherry · 16/12/2024 09:40

My husband also can work away for periods and he always comes home so excited to see our child even if he’s jet lagged, even if he’s knackered he walks in like he’s the only kid in the world. He’s always appreciative of me holding everything whilst he’s been away and he’s a true equal partner when he’s home. Tbh I would expect so much more from your husband if it were me, and if that’s his best then it wouldn’t be good enough for me by a long way.

Alalalala · 16/12/2024 09:45

What a selfish jerk. Well you know what to get him for Christmas - some item of clothing three sizes too small for him. But you’ll have ‘done your best’…

BellissimoGecko · 16/12/2024 09:48

He is being U. If he was in pain or vomiting, then fair enough, but having the day in bed for a cold after not seeing his kids for 6 weeks is absolutely pathetic, especially when you had to power through actually being ill when you had them.

I would not be impressed at all.

AmandaHoldensLips · 16/12/2024 10:04

If buying completely wrong sized slippers was your DH "doing his best" with the gifts, then I hate to think where the bar lies for his job.

This is weaponised incompetence and domestic laziness.

AlertCat · 16/12/2024 10:16

Agree. At best, he’s become complacent- at worst, he’s inconsiderate, selfish, and self centred.

I think if it were me, I’d wait a day or two and then sit down with him and lay it out in words of one syllable- he really messed up, you’re really unimpressed, he’s let down you and his children, who are meant to be his most important people. And if next time (and the time in between trips) is equally unimpressive, then the next serious talk will be about how he can’t do them any more- or how he can’t expect to have a family and a wife at home for him because what is the point of him? After all, while he’s away you’re a single parent, and if his returns are disappointing then you’d be better off not having him around at all.

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