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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be friendly with exH GF?

78 replies

Stressymadre · 15/12/2024 14:56

Bit of a back story first. ExH and I split 5 years ago due to repeated infidelity on his part. He sees the kids EOW and one eve a week. Just over 3 years ago he met someone, introduced her to the kids after 6 weeks and a week later she moved in with him, before this she would stay over but they weren't to see her so were told to stay upstairs, not go to his room etc. She seemed OK towards our kids, a bit indifferent tbh but it was unsettling for them have her move in and ex and I had some heated discussions on this!
Anyway, a year after starting dating she had their baby and things have gone rapidly downhill. She wouldn't let my kids meet the baby for over 2 weeks and then she wouldn't let them round for to the house weeks so they went 6 weeks without seeing their dad. She was really unkind to them and shouted at them, wouldn't let them make any noise etc. Obviously it had caused issues and in the past 2 years, her and ex split up 5 times. During this time my ex has done everything to win her back, including trying to reduce contact with our two and she can't cope them being around his for a whole weekend. This issue is still in discussion... she's recently moved back it and I'm back to having to see her every now again.
Now, I am polite to her but not friendly. Ex has had a go saying I need to make more of an effort to be nice to her. My children say she is grumpy and mean and unkind. Do I really have to be friendly and make an effort with someone who clearly cannot stand my children?

OP posts:

JRorBobby · 15/12/2024 15:13

It wouldn't kill you to be friendly? Your kids would benefit.

It sounds to me like she's trying to find her footing with motherhood. (Looking for space etc). She may become very overwhelmed.

Were you ever friendly towards each other?

user1473878824 · 15/12/2024 15:14

JRorBobby · 15/12/2024 15:13

It wouldn't kill you to be friendly? Your kids would benefit.

It sounds to me like she's trying to find her footing with motherhood. (Looking for space etc). She may become very overwhelmed.

Were you ever friendly towards each other?

Are you kidding?

TimeForTeaAndG · 15/12/2024 15:16

Civil is fine. Why be friendly with someone that shitty with your kids? Just gives them the idea that they should be friendly with people who treat them badly.

kittybiscuits · 15/12/2024 15:16

Your ex and his on/off girlfriend sound like an absolute nightmare. Your poor kids. You would be crazy not to steer completely clear of them. Their relationship is a car crash.

DeedlessIndeed · 15/12/2024 15:20

Personally I understand not meeting baby for first 2 weeks, although Dad should have had contact outside of the house during that time.

As for being friendly, I'd be civil to her and Ex. Although Ex does not deserve it if he isn't sticking up for his kids when she is unkind.

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 15/12/2024 15:22

I don’t understand why you’re facilitating contact with a man who puts his girlfriend before his own kids?

You have a plan in place, he sticks to it and keeps his word by the kids so that they know where they stand or it’s nothing at all. An absent Father is better than a shit one.

TheClawDecides · 15/12/2024 15:23

JRorBobby · 15/12/2024 15:13

It wouldn't kill you to be friendly? Your kids would benefit.

It sounds to me like she's trying to find her footing with motherhood. (Looking for space etc). She may become very overwhelmed.

Were you ever friendly towards each other?

Lol 😂😂

Civil is just fine OP

Ignore the batshittery.

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 15/12/2024 15:23

DeedlessIndeed · 15/12/2024 15:20

Personally I understand not meeting baby for first 2 weeks, although Dad should have had contact outside of the house during that time.

As for being friendly, I'd be civil to her and Ex. Although Ex does not deserve it if he isn't sticking up for his kids when she is unkind.

Personally I understand not meeting baby for first 2 weeks, although Dad should have had contact outside of the house during that time.

Do you? I don’t understand, can you explain how and why you think that’s ok?

Manara · 15/12/2024 15:24

Now, I am polite to her but not friendly. Ex has had a go saying I need to make more of an effort to be nice to her. My children say she is grumpy and mean and unkind. Do I really have to be friendly and make an effort with someone who clearly cannot stand my children?

I don’t understand why you have to see her at all?

When are you seeing her?

You need to minimise contact with ex and GF. Just keep contact to talking about kids.

Manara · 15/12/2024 15:24

JRorBobby · 15/12/2024 15:13

It wouldn't kill you to be friendly? Your kids would benefit.

It sounds to me like she's trying to find her footing with motherhood. (Looking for space etc). She may become very overwhelmed.

Were you ever friendly towards each other?

what a joke.

MumOfOneAllAlone · 15/12/2024 15:26

I'm not one of these people who likes to be friendly with an ex. Probably has a bit to do with my screen name.

But she's actively awful and is harming your children. I think that being civil is enough

oakleaffy · 15/12/2024 15:26

@Stressymadre Your poor kids.

My ex husband married the OW {who was much older than me}

She was vile to my {our} son {aged 4}

However her DC { 9 and 11} were kind to him.

DS {now an adult} remembers OW being vile, but said ''Her kids were always good to me''

One of the 'kids' works in radio now and I occasionally hear their name - and am always silently thankful to them.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/12/2024 15:28

TimeForTeaAndG · 15/12/2024 15:16

Civil is fine. Why be friendly with someone that shitty with your kids? Just gives them the idea that they should be friendly with people who treat them badly.

Civil, polite etc yes...but defending your kids if need be.

Friendly? No.

Original poster

Stressymadre · 15/12/2024 15:29

Thanks everyone. It seems most people agree that I'm doing ok keeping it civil. I see her every now and again and say hello and goodbye, that's it. Tbh I'm the same with exH only difference is we can talk about the kids, I don't want to be friends with him, not after what he put me and the kids through.
Thing is exH is over friendly to my partner, calls him mate etc and chats with him so wants me to be the same with his partner. But I can guarantee if my partner treated our kids like she does, A we'd be over immediately and B my exH would no doubt beat the crap out of him!!

OP posts:

Vaxtable · 15/12/2024 15:31

Civil/polite yes, friendly and chatty no

Manara · 15/12/2024 15:32

Stressymadre · 15/12/2024 15:29

Why is ex even seeing your partner?

Are the kids old enough to just be let out to go their dad’s car?

He’s not coming into the house is he? Is she?

SemperIdem · 15/12/2024 15:34

Civil is fine. No need to be friends, no need at all.

Chickychoccyegg · 15/12/2024 15:37

DeedlessIndeed · 15/12/2024 15:20

Personally I understand not meeting baby for first 2 weeks, although Dad should have had contact outside of the house during that time.

As for being friendly, I'd be civil to her and Ex. Although Ex does not deserve it if he isn't sticking up for his kids when she is unkind.

Can you explain why you think it's reasonable for children to not meet their baby sibling for 2 weeks?
If they all lived in the same house, they'd meet straight away, surely just because their parents live in 2 different houses, it shouldn't make a difference?

Their dad is not prioritising his older children at all, he sounds like a rubbish dad.

TheClawDecides · 15/12/2024 15:43

Chickychoccyegg · 15/12/2024 15:37

Their dad is not prioritising his older children at all, he sounds like a rubbish dad.

Show quote history

It's the Mumsnet baby bubble innit hun? xx

No-one gets a look-in except the Mumzilla's own mother.

Her bubz, her roolz.

Original poster

Stressymadre · 15/12/2024 15:46

I agree @Chickychoccyegg he's a shit dad. The irony is they keep splitting up because she's fed up of not being his top priority! So now they're back together again he's making double sure she and their baby are the priority, hence asking to see our children even less.

OP posts:

WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 15/12/2024 15:48

Of course don't be friendly to on/off girlfriend. You don't need to see her, and your ex's thoughts are his business, decline him voicing his opinions to you.

ThinWomansBrain · 15/12/2024 15:52

Just celebrate that she is the current victim!
I feel sorry for her, and all the children - exH is probably still sleeping around.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 15/12/2024 15:53

Don't answer him, just ignore. You have absolutely no need to be friendly to her, particularly as she's not nice to your children. He's an irrelevance. He can moan all he likes, you don't have to agree

Sassybooklover · 15/12/2024 16:28

Being civil and polite is perfectly acceptable. I don't see why you need to be anything else! Your ex husband chooses to be friendly towards your partner, rather than just civil. However, your partner doesn't behave like an arse towards your children, so your ex husband has no reason to feel any resentment towards him. You on the other hand, know your ex husband's girlfriend is openly hostile towards your children, so you have a very good reason to not want to be friendly. Your ex husband is a very weak man for failing to back-up his children and for not seeing them for 6 weeks. I understand he has a child with his girlfriend, but all his children should be important, not just the one with her!!

twentysevendresses · 15/12/2024 16:58

JRorBobby · 15/12/2024 15:13

It wouldn't kill you to be friendly? Your kids would benefit.

It sounds to me like she's trying to find her footing with motherhood. (Looking for space etc). She may become very overwhelmed.

Were you ever friendly towards each other?

Oh please!! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

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