To not want to be friendly with exH GF?

[Stressymadre]

Bit of a back story first. ExH and I split 5 years ago due to repeated infidelity on his part. He sees the kids EOW and one eve a week. Just over 3 years ago he met someone, introduced her to the kids after 6 weeks and a week later she moved in with him, before this she would stay over but they weren't to see her so were told to stay upstairs, not go to his room etc. She seemed OK towards our kids, a bit indifferent tbh but it was unsettling for them have her move in and ex and I had some heated discussions on this!
Anyway, a year after starting dating she had their baby and things have gone rapidly downhill. She wouldn't let my kids meet the baby for over 2 weeks and then she wouldn't let them round for to the house weeks so they went 6 weeks without seeing their dad. She was really unkind to them and shouted at them, wouldn't let them make any noise etc. Obviously it had caused issues and in the past 2 years, her and ex split up 5 times. During this time my ex has done everything to win her back, including trying to reduce contact with our two and she can't cope them being around his for a whole weekend. This issue is still in discussion... she's recently moved back it and I'm back to having to see her every now again.
Now, I am polite to her but not friendly. Ex has had a go saying I need to make more of an effort to be nice to her. My children say she is grumpy and mean and unkind. Do I really have to be friendly and make an effort with someone who clearly cannot stand my children?

She wouldn't let my kids meet the baby for over 2 weeks and then she wouldn't let them round for to the house weeks so they went 6 weeks without seeing their dad.

Well TBH that's on your ex isn't it...

She's not blame free there, is she? They can both be twats

Well yes, but he is the father of their children. He could and should have made an effort to see his children.

Agree with others. He isn't your friend, he's your ex husband, you don't have to be friendly to either of them. I think of children's other parent as extended family, like a distant cousin that you have to see on set occasions. You're civil, there's a family framework to fall back on, but realistically you don't have to like each other or get on. When the bonds that bind you break (kids grown up) you won't see each other very often at all.

I would go the other way and suggest blended family lunches in a restaurant - when she sees how you are with your kids and how much they are treasured it would show a contrast to how she treats them and might make her think. Also they are prob not themselves around her for good reason - if she sees their true selfs she might soften.

This. My DS said from a very young age that he didn't like his father and was able to vocalise more as he got older. He's now 10 and his father hasn't asked how he is, or asked to see him since March. DS hasn't wanted to see him since he was 3/4 years old but I always facilitated the EOW stays. After ExH moved away (1.5 hours drive one way) the novelty of seeing his son has clearly worn off and he can't be bothered anymore. DS is much happier now!!

It sounds to me as though their relationship is essentially over, and he’s grasping at anything that he thinks might help it. Not your problem though.

By reading the post properly this child will now be 2 so should have her footing with motherhood by now. If not she's never going to.

Make sure that you have child payments set in stone from your exH. You don’t have to be friendly to his new partner because she is mean to your kids. Tell her that you are business like with her. Tell her knows and if she says she has no idea say its because of how she treats your kids meanly.

What is your ex going to do when someone explains to him that 'his' three children are blood relatives and have a right to a relationship with each other no matter what their parents think of each other?

He's having the time of his life throwing shit in your face because your a good person. But then again, i get the feeling your having the time of you life too. Keep strong (by having the time of your life) and Keep us posted! And thanks for sharing this.

I wish my ex wife was chasing me up to be Daddy to her litter.

So your ex is in a failing relationship, and is blaming you, for not being friendly enough.

She's not but they are his kids, not hers. If she didn't want to see them for 6 weeks, fine. But why could he not have said "No I'm not going that long without seeing my children"?

Spoken like a true daddy!

I bet you wouldn't let some new GF treat your children like this.

OP well done for keeping it civil, as for friendly to her...lol NO

Are you serious? She sounds awful and so does the ex!

Perfect response to the ex-husband 💐

How old are your children?

1. i would want to know the person who is around my children, that much.
2. are you sure that she behaved in the way you described? Maybe her baby had jaundice or a weakened immune system and she didn’t want children around? I was very nervous about bugs when my older child (who had been in special care for two days and was not feeding well) was born. Maybe I was just a nervous first time mum, like your ex’s GF?
3. maybe she has had postpartum depression or exhaustion. I can’t say that I was especially fun to be around, when my kids were tiny. I remember being stressed in trying to get to grips with feeding and sleep…I didn’t want any visitors apart from our parents.
4. I recall NEEDING my husband next to me when my first child was born. His parents kept turning up and he was distracted with them, when I needed help. I was pissed. Maybe the new mum needs her partner but he’s busy with his older kids and she’s sad?

You may find that if you speak to her, or get to know her, you’ll know if she’s horrible and you want to keep distance between you and her / your kids and her. You may however, learn that she is a frazzled and anxious first time mum who didn’t want noisy kids waking her baby when she’s just got the baby down and is desperate for time to just poo/ eat/ sleep/ do laundry?

Thanks everyone. I'm glad that mostly, people think I'm being reasonable and I have some good lines should he mention it again.
To answer some questions, the kids don't see her much. They only see their dad EOW and one night a week and until she moved back in, she wasn't there. Now she's moved back in she seems to either go out and stay upstairs a fair bit.
I blame my exH far far more than her. Its disgusting that he doesn't protect his children and then he prioritises his GF over their wellbeing. But... I'm only civil with him.
Also, the baby is now nearly 2.5 so although I gave her some slack at the start, I even remember telling my kids when they moaned that she was being mean, that it's hard being a mum, so I stood up for her. I even invited her to my house for a birthday celeb to try to get to know her but she made a few snide comments... but since then things have gotten so much worse. Since she first left him tbh. It's since then that she's pushed and pushed to get him to prioritise her over our kids.

This sounds awful. My husband has two sons from a previous marriage. I would never imagine treating them unkind or their mother.

I get along great with her and we’ve never had an issue in four years.

I can tell you where you went wrong though - you made an enemy as soon as you started having “heated” discussions about them moving in together.

It really is on you to establish the tone of the relationship. She doesn’t owe you anything. It’s up to you.

I wouldn’t say try and be friends but the only thing is do tell them she’s a new mum and it’s tough and she’s probably stressed and wrecked

In what universe is it normal to not allow kids to meet their new brother or sister for two weeks? They aren't random distant relatives, they are siblings.

Sorry I have to disagree on a few comments above. The baby is nearly 2.5 now... i don't think the new mum argument can be applied anymore. Also of course I had heated discussions with my ex. We had an agreement that partners didn't meet the kids for 6 months plus, and we would tell each other first, to help manage things for the kids. I stuck to this rigidly, in fact waited more than 6 months. My exH moved someone in to his home, that he'd met online 6 weeks previously. Of course I said something as he was putting our children at risk.

Yes, be civil for the sake of the kids. I could never be friendly with someone who i felt treated my children badly and anyway, it doesn't sound like she will be around long enough for you to be anything near friends.
It doesn't sound like it's a healthy environment for your kids so if he wants to reduce contact that seems a good thing sadly.

My dad's new partner was wonderful to me (I was 7) when they first got together although she made him cut ties with everyone else from his former life. As soon as she got the ring on her finger she changed and did everything she could to reduce contact with me, making him halve and then quarter the visits I had with him. Eventually his lack of backbone or desire to fight for me was so hurtful I made the choice (in my early 20s) to just stop seeing him altogether, which was what she wanted all along. So just be aware that this could be heading in a similar direction.