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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be friendly with exH GF?

78 replies

Stressymadre · 15/12/2024 14:56

Bit of a back story first. ExH and I split 5 years ago due to repeated infidelity on his part. He sees the kids EOW and one eve a week. Just over 3 years ago he met someone, introduced her to the kids after 6 weeks and a week later she moved in with him, before this she would stay over but they weren't to see her so were told to stay upstairs, not go to his room etc. She seemed OK towards our kids, a bit indifferent tbh but it was unsettling for them have her move in and ex and I had some heated discussions on this!
Anyway, a year after starting dating she had their baby and things have gone rapidly downhill. She wouldn't let my kids meet the baby for over 2 weeks and then she wouldn't let them round for to the house weeks so they went 6 weeks without seeing their dad. She was really unkind to them and shouted at them, wouldn't let them make any noise etc. Obviously it had caused issues and in the past 2 years, her and ex split up 5 times. During this time my ex has done everything to win her back, including trying to reduce contact with our two and she can't cope them being around his for a whole weekend. This issue is still in discussion... she's recently moved back it and I'm back to having to see her every now again.
Now, I am polite to her but not friendly. Ex has had a go saying I need to make more of an effort to be nice to her. My children say she is grumpy and mean and unkind. Do I really have to be friendly and make an effort with someone who clearly cannot stand my children?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 15/12/2024 17:03

Their relationship sounds very on/off which isn't great for the children. I'd stick to civil.

toomuchfaff · 15/12/2024 18:13

Your EXH wanting you to be friendly with his new gf is irrelevant, you treat her dependant on her own actions. If she is civil to you, and your children have no complaints then you will be civil to her. If she isnt civil and welcoming to your children,or they report bad behaviour toward them then you will not be civil.

If their relationship is volatile, boundaries should be set that he needs to provide a safe, loving, welcome environment for his children, if he doesn't then the children won't be going to that environment, and he should make alternative arrangements to see them away from the new gf. Your primary focus is to be an advocate for your children. Fk the new gf and the exH feelings. The children are your only concern.

Original poster
Stressymadre · 15/12/2024 18:22

toomuchfaff · 15/12/2024 18:13

Your EXH wanting you to be friendly with his new gf is irrelevant, you treat her dependant on her own actions. If she is civil to you, and your children have no complaints then you will be civil to her. If she isnt civil and welcoming to your children,or they report bad behaviour toward them then you will not be civil.

If their relationship is volatile, boundaries should be set that he needs to provide a safe, loving, welcome environment for his children, if he doesn't then the children won't be going to that environment, and he should make alternative arrangements to see them away from the new gf. Your primary focus is to be an advocate for your children. Fk the new gf and the exH feelings. The children are your only concern.

Thank you. I agree but I do feel a bit stuck. I have flagged the children's complaints to him and he makes excuses every single time (doesn't deny its true interestingly) . He says he absolutely can't have another failed relationship and another child from a broken home so will do anything to keep her happy. But legally, unless safeguarding concerns I can't do anything. My eldest is slowly distancing himself though and makes excuses to come home on weekends just for the odd afternoon. My youngest is too young to have that freedom and she does want to see her dad

OP posts:
canyouletthedogoutplease · 15/12/2024 18:23

He's not your friend, why should he expect you and her to have a friendship? No. Businesslike is fine.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 15/12/2024 18:30

Keep it civil, and no more. Tell your EXDH that if her attitude towards your DC improves, your attitude to her will improve.

Stressfordays · 15/12/2024 18:39

She'd be lucky to get civil from me treating my kids like that. And I'd be telling ex that too.

toomuchfaff · 15/12/2024 19:22

Stressymadre · 15/12/2024 18:22

Thank you. I agree but I do feel a bit stuck. I have flagged the children's complaints to him and he makes excuses every single time (doesn't deny its true interestingly) . He says he absolutely can't have another failed relationship and another child from a broken home so will do anything to keep her happy. But legally, unless safeguarding concerns I can't do anything. My eldest is slowly distancing himself though and makes excuses to come home on weekends just for the odd afternoon. My youngest is too young to have that freedom and she does want to see her dad

Show quote history

I feel your pain, my situation is woth my son and gf but similare scenarions, ive started using "let them theory", rather than getting upset/annoyed when they don't meet your expectations, "let them" be who they are and do what they do, but expect it from them rather than expecting them to be the person you think they should be.

You know he will defend the gf, so expect it, you know he won't stand up to her in defense of his kids, so expect it. Anything that isn't a let down is a bonus, but you're prepared.

Him not wanting another failed relationship just means he's enabling her bad behaviour, you know this isn't going to end well, it might go on for years but just reduce your and your kids impact by knowing that he's enabling her, and he's not an advocate for your kids. They aren't his priority (sadly).

stargazerlil · 15/12/2024 20:12

JRorBobby · 15/12/2024 15:13

It wouldn't kill you to be friendly? Your kids would benefit.

It sounds to me like she's trying to find her footing with motherhood. (Looking for space etc). She may become very overwhelmed.

Were you ever friendly towards each other?

You think she sounds like a kind hearted person eh?

stargazerlil · 15/12/2024 20:16

No what you have to do is take a deep breath and confirm to yourself that you will do only the absolute best thing for your children, that means you organizedly put in place everything that is required to enable them to see their father as regularly and easily as possible. That means you actually double down on your boundaries around how you are dealt with by exh and gf so that you are able to stay on top of the situation and not messed around or stressed out by their messy relationship. As for gf, I would say minimal contact minimal conversation an only when necessary. Stern polite show no emotion at all. Let your exh know she must be nice to your children.

Theunamedcat · 15/12/2024 20:21

Stressfordays · 15/12/2024 18:39

She'd be lucky to get civil from me treating my kids like that. And I'd be telling ex that too.

Exactly! Honestly I swear the things people are expected to put up with in the name of "family relationship" its bad enough the kids have to put up with it

Theunamedcat · 15/12/2024 20:23

My ex wanted me to "have a word" with his ex and tell her what a nice man he is I said sure give her my number I will be happy to tell her EVERYTHING surprisingly he took that as a promise and didn't give her my number

Skybluepinky · 15/12/2024 20:44

Just smile when u say hello, no point in letting yr kids see how bitter u r being.

Codlingmoths · 15/12/2024 20:48

‘I have never in my life been so civil to someone who is unkind to my kids and actively pushes you to see our kids less. You have no idea how hard I’ve had to try to achieve this level of civil and I won’t take any flak for it. If my dp treated our kids like yours does I genuinely think you’d belt him, so you should be very proud of and impressed by me. I never want to hear this again from you or I might tell her what I really think.’

JollyZebra · 19/12/2024 06:48

Just be civil. I'd be concerned about the effect shed having on your children and unwilling to let them stay where they aren't wanted.
You need to sit down with your ex and thrash out a system which enables your children to be with their father in a happy and safe way. He could bring the new baby to meet them on occasions so the half-siblings have contact.
Just tell him that all the children come first, no matter what his new partner thinks.

BigDahliaFan · 19/12/2024 07:30

Dh's ex and I get on fine, very well at times. But...I'm not completely batshit. Be civil. She's his problem.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/12/2024 07:41

If I'm reading this right, the "new baby" that she's struggling to cope with should be about 2 years old by now, so that excuse is wearing a trifle thin.

Sounds like exH is expecting his former wife to continue to solve his problems, including helping him keep his girlfriend sweet. Basically, bugger that for a game of soldiers. His relationship, his issues. Being civil is only right and sensible, given it's someone you have no choice but to interact with sometimes, but no reasonable person would expect more.

Einaldilastcup · 19/12/2024 07:46

Nope. You don’t need to be friendly with any of them. Just keep it civil

GabriellaMontez · 19/12/2024 07:47

I'd have some suggestions about how they could improve their behaviour.

calmandcollected101 · 19/12/2024 07:51

JRorBobby · 15/12/2024 15:13

It wouldn't kill you to be friendly? Your kids would benefit.

It sounds to me like she's trying to find her footing with motherhood. (Looking for space etc). She may become very overwhelmed.

Were you ever friendly towards each other?

Are you joking?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 19/12/2024 08:11

@Stressymadre why do you have to see her???

Onelifeonly · 19/12/2024 08:21

At the very least, your ex completely lacks judgement (moving someone in after 6 weeks, a baby after a year, when he is already a father). His relationship is more important to him than your children, but he wants you to be friendly with the gf? Don't think I could be - even being civil would be tough if my children were treated badly.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, sounds horrible.

DowntonCrabbie · 19/12/2024 08:26

JRorBobby · 15/12/2024 15:13

It wouldn't kill you to be friendly? Your kids would benefit.

It sounds to me like she's trying to find her footing with motherhood. (Looking for space etc). She may become very overwhelmed.

Were you ever friendly towards each other?

Are you actually high? Not kidding, are you?

Marblesbackagain · 19/12/2024 08:38

Civil is absolutely fine. Honestly some people really are so ridiculous. You aren't her bloody friend and to be quite honest I would struggle with civil knowledge how she treats your children.

I would go into my professional mode.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 19/12/2024 08:45

Yeah if I were you there would be no hello or goodbye only: don't ever raise your voice to my children again and if you guys break the contact agreement again I will stop facilitating contact. I would say the same to anyone who tested my children like that.

Santaclawws · 19/12/2024 08:49

She wouldn't let my kids meet the baby for over 2 weeks and then she wouldn't let them round for to the house weeks so they went 6 weeks without seeing their dad.

He could have still made an effort to see them, even if not at home.

Either way she sounds pretty awful as does he, no need to be friends just keep being civil for the sake of the children.