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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has his own money but took out of savings

77 replies

DustyLee123 · 15/12/2024 07:59

DH has some money put away from an inheritance, yet he’s taken money from our joint savings to pay for his family’s Xmas presents. AIBU to suggest he uses his own inheritance money to buy his family presents, when I use my wages for mine?
YABU - of course he can use joint savings for his family presents
YANBU - he should use his inheritance for his family’s presents

OP posts:
SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 08:00

Why doesn't he use his wages for his family's gifts?
Maybe take the money you spent out of your joint savings?

Foundpresents · 15/12/2024 08:00

Either you both use the joint for all of the presents or you both use the personal accounts for your own families. Should be equal both sides.

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 15/12/2024 08:01

SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 08:00

Why doesn't he use his wages for his family's gifts?
Maybe take the money you spent out of your joint savings?

His wages and mine have bought the kids presents, he’s run out of money.

OP posts:
TwinklyAmberOrca · 15/12/2024 08:02

So why don't you just take the money from the joint savings too for the gifts for your family?

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 15/12/2024 08:05

TwinklyAmberOrca · 15/12/2024 08:02

So why don't you just take the money from the joint savings too for the gifts for your family?

Because I don’t want to use the savings. I personally think he spends too much on them, goes overboard. His siblings have lots of money, and I think that maybe he feels that he has to spend for them like they do for him.
If he spent less he wouldn’t need to touch the savings.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 15/12/2024 08:05

But surely 1/2 the savings are his?

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 15/12/2024 08:06

BMW6 · 15/12/2024 08:05

But surely 1/2 the savings are his?

Yes, but he has other money, and I wouldn’t spend so much that I needed to use the savings. I’d reel in my spending.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 15/12/2024 08:09

Depends what your savings are for, really.

I would use my savings for Christmas presents quite happily, as would DH.

GinForBreakfast · 15/12/2024 08:11

YANBU. Take the same amount out and put it in your own name. And/or stop the joint savings for the future if he can't respect that it's for joint use only.

Mindymomo · 15/12/2024 08:11

When you say put away inheritance, do you mean in an account that’s locked in for a period of time that cannot be touched. If you are bothered with him using savings to buy presents, then you both need to talk about setting up another joint account throughout the year just for Christmas presents that you both use. If he’s buying more expensive gifts then he needs to contribute more into account.

CheeseTime · 15/12/2024 08:11

Needs a conversation about budgets and long term financial plans.

Roseprose · 15/12/2024 08:13

Take the same amount out of the joint account for your family presents, even if you just pop the excess into your own savings.

nomoretreats · 15/12/2024 08:14

How much has he spent from the savings? Can he replace the money in January?

ChristmasinBrighton · 15/12/2024 08:16

OK, I would remove half the savings plus whatever he just took to pay for ILS presents and open your own account.

The issue here is that you are married, so in the event you split, savings and inheritance will be treated as a joint asset (assuming you live in England or Wales) might be different elsewhere.

Why has he run out of money?

Likewhatever · 15/12/2024 08:29

Don’t have joint savings if you don’t have joint plans for how it’s used. Also you could point out that if you divorced him you’d get half of his inheritance. I really don’t get this idea that inheritance is personal in a marriage. All inheritance in our family has come from my side but I wouldn’t dream of treating it as mine.

Especiallyforme · 15/12/2024 08:30

How much is he spending on his family?

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 15/12/2024 08:33

@ChristmasinBrighton i don’t think he knows when to stop, plus his siblings are wealthy and I think he feels the need to try and match them.

OP posts:
Original poster
DustyLee123 · 15/12/2024 08:33

Especiallyforme · 15/12/2024 08:30

How much is he spending on his family?

I don’t know, but it’s hundreds. It’s over £100 each.

OP posts:
Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 15/12/2024 08:36

Maybe it is time review what the joint savings are for and if you even want to continue having joint savings. Is there much in the joint savings? Do you both equally contribute? Do you have your own savings?

I sense the inheritance money has changed the way you feel about the dynamics of money in your relationship. Time to address this before resentment sets in or someone ends up financially worse and the other better.

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 15/12/2024 08:37

Likewhatever · 15/12/2024 08:29

Don’t have joint savings if you don’t have joint plans for how it’s used. Also you could point out that if you divorced him you’d get half of his inheritance. I really don’t get this idea that inheritance is personal in a marriage. All inheritance in our family has come from my side but I wouldn’t dream of treating it as mine.

I did a post a while back saying that DH had said that his inheritance was ‘none of my business’, and the vast majority on here agreed with him.
I didn’t want the money to be shared, I just asked how much he’d got and I don’t think that’s unreasonable in a very long marriage. If it was the other way round I’d have told DH how much I’d got.

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 15/12/2024 08:38

Hmmmmm I’m wondering if he’s keeping the inheritance separate/ring fenced from the marital pot. Do you often have issues about money and spending?

Sidebeforeself · 15/12/2024 08:39

I think you are still resentful over his inheritance to be honest. Unless you had strict rules re the savings that he has disregarded, if they are in a joint account he can take from it. As can you.

Pandasnacks · 15/12/2024 08:41

Take the same amount and put it in your savings if it bothers you

SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 08:42

DustyLee123 · 15/12/2024 08:01

His wages and mine have bought the kids presents, he’s run out of money.

Show quote history

Oh ffs. He's using you sorry.

Original poster
DustyLee123 · 15/12/2024 08:43

Sidebeforeself · 15/12/2024 08:39

I think you are still resentful over his inheritance to be honest. Unless you had strict rules re the savings that he has disregarded, if they are in a joint account he can take from it. As can you.

I thought I was going to lose DM this year, and in those long days sat at her bedside in hospital I did think about what I would need to do to sell her house etc if the worse were to happen. I also thought about the things that we both agree need doing to our house, and how I’d use my inheritance. I guess that I feel disappointed that the man I’ve shared 30+ years with doesn’t treat me like I’d treat him.

OP posts:
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