Has his own money but took out of savings

[DustyLee123]

DH has some money put away from an inheritance, yet he’s taken money from our joint savings to pay for his family’s Xmas presents. AIBU to suggest he uses his own inheritance money to buy his family presents, when I use my wages for mine?
YABU - of course he can use joint savings for his family presents
YANBU - he should use his inheritance for his family’s presents

That’s your opinion. Im happily marred for many years and we still have ‘his” and “mine” , but the crucial point is neither would see each other go without.

You seem to have misunderstood how their finances work. It's obvious that they take a portion of their money and put it into savings and then keep the balance as their discretionary spending money. He overspends on his discretionary spending money so he's dipping into savings. That's not how it works when you have a savings portion and a spending portion

I understood. I just don’t think that one partner can veto the other using savings to which they have both contributed. His money has gone into the savings account but he obviously needs to access it now.

@StormingNorman I guess it depends on what they have generally used the savings account money for. If it's for joint things only like house maintenance then it's not ok for him to jump on it to use fir discretionary spending

@StormingNorman I don’t think he does ‘need’ to access the joint savings to buy presents for his family when he has god knows much stashed away. As I said , I’ve bought my family, and most of the kids presents, out of my wage.

It’s not your decision to make though @DustyLee123. it’s his money in there and he feels he needs to use it. For whatever reason he chose to spend from this pot of his money rather than another. Ideally you would agree on what the savings are spent on, but if you can’t agree then it shouldn’t be the case that somebody gets a veto.

I think his attitude towards his inheritance shows his whole attitude toward you and your shared immediate family.
It seems he is protecting himself financially so I suggest you do the same. It hurts to think about it but if anything happens to your mum, hide your inheritance.
I remember your last thread. I think people were wrong, surely in a long relationship, large amounts of money are discussed between the couple with the person who has the large amount having the final say.

You need to take an equivalent in from the savings account and put it in to your own account.

This man will not play fair.

You could easily find out how much he inherited from the probate service. £2.50 later…

Thanks to this advice in my last post I did this, so I’ve got a general idea now.

Thanks all.
Im going to ask him to cover what he takes from the savings from his inheritance, if he doesn’t I’ll take the equivalent like has been suggested.

If I put myself in your shoes and my DH refused to disclose what his inheritance he received (whilst married to me) and took from the joint savings without an agreed discussion first, I would remove my portion of the joint savings and ring fence it in my own savings account. He doesn’t get to have secret accounts with undisclosed amounts on the side, then pull from the joint savings for his own purchases without consent.

Same. We have separate finances, and have done for over 20 years. I will say that “separate” does not equal “secret”— we each know what the other has (and where—in case of death). Both options are perfectly reasonable—separate or combined. The key is communication, transparency, and fairness. One partner hiding sn inheritance and refusing to disclose the amount is a problem.

I asked him to transfer money to cover his family presents, and he said that he’s bought them all out of his inheritance money, but I can see that’s not true. I can see he’s bought things from our joint account. Should I push it and ask him to check it, or do I walk away and leave it? I feel like I’m being a nag, but I also know it’s not right.
And I can see from the bags of presents, he’s spent hundreds of pounds on one sibling, his girlfriend, and his adult children. It’s just ridiculous.

I'd definitely be pushing back, highlight the transactions you know for certain are gifts.

“Thanks for the update darling. I can see that £678.45 (list the amount to the exact penny) is accidentally missing from the joint savings account. Please replace it by the end of the week.” If he doesn’t, remove the exact same from the joint savings and put it into your own savings account. And do stop putting any money into that account.

It's not ridiculous to spend money on the people you want to. Just take the same amount out of savings for yourself.

Definitely push back. And transfer £1000 or whatever the total is to your own account asap. Tell him two can play this game.

He's lying to OP though.

it depends what the gifts are. If it is small e.g. less than £100 up to 200 ...that is not huge. If it is £1000...yes that is signifcant. If his family do child care or help your family out e.g keep an eye on things when you on holidays, do regular favours then the good size gift amounts would be necessary to keep family on board and acknowledge their helpfulness and time. If they do not help out in any way then using all the money to meet an unreasonable standard of gifting that affects your family is taking from your family spending pot. if so I would used the joint for a new kitchen/ bathroom flooring/ sofa/ table more help at home e.g. cleaner every few weeks....because they are all needs not wants.

That’s excessive! I don’t think he should use joint savings if it’s that much money!

Don’t let him jsut lie to you. There was a good suggestion above, or ‘do you not feel very uncomfortable just lying to me about this? Have a look at the transactions, I feel like you think I’m stupid.’

I’ve still not had the conversation yet. The young me would have had it out, but older me doesn’t like the confrontation.

He’s pathetic. I’d demand he reimburse the family pot from his own personal pot. And to maybe learn to budget.

Why am I commenting on what os clearly an old thread. 🤦🏻‍♀️