He left me in city centre…

[Craics90]

Went in to City Centre today for DH’s birthday. A few of his friends had also arranged to go in today. I asked if he’d prefer to go out with said friends and he repeatedly said no.

Queue 4pm when he began acting like a total arse to me. We went to the usual Christmas market, had some food, waded our way through the crowds to get anywhere and went on a bar crawl.

He’s useless with directions so I usually guide us between bars etc. I asked him multiple times where he wanted to go next and he kept saying that he didn’t mind.

Went to his favourite bar, queued for 40 mins to get inside, got one drink. Whilst standing basically the toilet door, people slamming in to us spilling drink down my back I asked if he wanted to maybe go somewhere more local where we could actually get to the bar and have a dance?

He stormed out of the bar rambling on that I should have stayed at home, even though I spent weeks planning the night and booking in to his favourite restaurant which he made me cancel last night costing me 80£ for late cancellation!

I tried calling him and he told me to F off and said he didn’t care how I got home because I’m not his problem. Therefore, leaving me stranded in the city. Every taxi I stopped was booked and I had to call my elderly dad to come and get me. I felt like such a dick.

Obviously DH had this planned so he could go off and meet friends instead of just saying in the first place. I am so hurt.

He has just came home bashing the door with three others trying to get in and I haven’t opened it. First of all I was asleep and they woke me with the banging, but second of all - bringing people back here when he knows I would be in bed?

AIBU for not opening the door?

This is a very familiar seeming discussion.

He's an arse and you'd be better off without him.

You need to stop tolerating his nonsense. You're unreasonable for continuing the relationship for one more second.

So he is trying to isolate you too. Befriend your dad and then separate you from your family. Another big red flag.

if something came up like an argument he would tell me to move out or he doesn’t like me or care.
See that is emotional abuse. You put your money into his home and the he says you can move out if you don't like it. Nope, if you move, you get your money back.

I feel I’ve given up everything and myself as a person.

@Craics90, this horrid man despises you and gets a buzz by making you feel small. He belittles, mocks, curses, name-calls, lies, never apologizes, and laughs when others humiliate you. He intentionally sabotaged the birthday plans (that he requested) and had an agenda to get rid of you, and he potentially put you in harms way and said you deserved it.

He may be using contempt to create distance and make space for someone else, or he may just enjoy stomping all over your feelings and boundaries because he is a mean-spirited bastard. What a shitty father/role model he is.

@Craics90, please make an exit plan and end this destructive relationship. The alternative will result in a life of misery.

He sounds absolutely horrible, OP. I'm so sorry. I was also in a marriage where my husband was also horrible to me - but, like yours, also had times of great loveliness towards me too.

It's abuse.

This is only going to get worse as you age. You deserve a relationship that doesn't have these times of treating you horribly for no reason. I know that splitting up will be a huge upheaval, but you'll find peace in your life, and probably someone better, too.

Hugs xxx

My lovely Irish friend very well educated amazingly talented. Fell in love with a bit of a jack the lad, buying and selling cars that no-one enquired too closely about. I don't think he'd had much schooling, working for the family as he did from a very young age.

He calls her posh, but there's an edge to it. She's gorgeous looking with a fantastic figure and mad curly red hair. He veers between strutting around and being jealous.

I've heard he's used his fists on her from elsewhere. But she loves him, they've built a business together and it family, not as big a family as he'd like mind.

The OP does remind me of her life.

I agree 💯and glad I am not the only one who got the creepies when OP mentioned that he was outside with "his friends". She was wise to not let them in.

He was an idjit for not taking his keys, but in this instance, it was safer for OP to have them not near her. I remember her mentioning that he often makes her the butt of jokes when he is with his friends, so it seems nothing is off limits to him when it comes to humiliating the OP.

In Ireland the OP is much more likely than the coke-head husband to be staying in the family home with the children, at least till the 18 month old is either 18 or 21.

(Scroll down to the 'separation and divorce' section; although it's all interesting.)

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth-family-relationships/separation-and-divorce/family-and-shared-home/#:~:text=In%20the%20case%20of%20a,the%20separation%20of%20their%20parents.

He's a prick for leaving you like that, stroppy twat.

You always make sure someone's safe even if annoyed with them.

@Craics90 I’ve just caught up with your thread. I thought he’d profusely apologise yesterday, not call you a wanker! You should expect much better. IMHO, the guy sounds like a dishonourable, childish a-hole.

I agree with@Missmarplesknittingbuddy, the behaviour you describe is abusive. And why does he say you’re like Michael Jackson? Is there a racial element to his abuse?

His latest behaviour shows he has no respect for you whatsoever. He also knows he’s behaved badly, as he wouldn’t have lied to your friends about why you went home. He sounds incredibly immature. And if he doesn’t do any housework when you’ve got young children that’s appalling. Who cleaned his house before you moved in?

If he’s that lacking in remorse and unable to have any humility the signs aren’t good. I’d start getting your ducks in a row and get out soon, before the kids are old enough to remember living with him and while you have plenty of time to rebuild your life. If you keep giving it second chances with guys like that, it just gets harder to leave.

No rush though, don’t make yourself worse off. Do what’s best for you. Just ignore what he says in the meantime. You know what he says is worthless. But I’d make a record of every bit of abuse.

I’ve suffered from major depressive disorder my entire life.
I just now realised that a large part of it surely came from watching my father verbally abuse my mother all my life and being incapable of doing anything about it.
And he verbally abused me too.
Real macho. A real macho shithead.

I hope @Craics90finds the courage to leave, as well — speaking as the child of a wife on the receiving end of this unnecessary behaviour.

@DreamTheMoors Yes I think the situation you describe could create a sense of ‘learned helplessness’ as you were unable to have any power in changing what you saw as a child. This can definitely contribute to depression. I wish you, and the OP, healing.

And you are even contemplating staying with him after that comment? 🫣

I call you as B , shitter
Some people just can’t see anyone being nice or getting support (and here you are ) well done

Any need ? Does it make you feel better about yourself ?

And when he was hammering on the door at 2am, it clearly didn’t cross his mind that OP may not have got home safely, and that’s why he couldn’t get in!!

The OP said she drove into town with the intention of leaving the car there and picking it up the next day. But she clarified that when the argument started she had already been drinking so couldn’t drive home.

You wrote that this never happened before, I assume you mean specifically sabotaging birthday and leaving you alone behind. But your other descriptions of his behaviour indicate that similar behaviour from him is your reality, perhaps this was just an escalation...But - if you let this one pass he will know he can do this sh* any time he likes. And I don't mean as in every birthday, I mean every time he wishes to take his rage out on someone where je is not fearing any consequences. This is why you MUST teach him consequences this time. Don't let it pass.

It really reminded me of similar behaviour I was subjected to for a period of my life. E.g. a trip to weekly grocery shopping, having both full hands walking home and him deciding to missintepret something random I say - which would have never been misinterpreted if we were say sitting at home having relaxed dinner. But here- yes because it suited him to not have to carry the bags. Cue he leaves offended leaving me with all the groceries on the street and hurries home 'because he can't look at me just now'.
I let that pass, can't remember now why, but I learned in the future his timing was not exactly random - it was always when he knew I need him for something in the days to come so I'd have to come around.
And after it happened first time and I sort of brushed it off - it became totally normal going forward. Total disrespect and rudeness - the positive thing is though it really makes you dislike the person from the core, and fall out of love - unless you are masochistic, luckily I wasn't. But not worth waiting - don't let it pass not once!!

Two wines in Scotland and you would be over them limit and have a drink driving conviction. .
Not really sound advice !

No, OP. If you’re living in the house as your marital home, then it’s a marital asset and can be sold and split on divorce. Either that or he can get a mortgage and buy you out. Either way you need to see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row so you can leave this abusive arsehole.

Where was l giving advice ? I was simply clarifying what OP had said.

I thought this too. Were they her friends too (properly) then that's one thing but if they are just his friends? I'd not be letting them in either, no chance.

DH & I don't go out like this any more but our friends are one and the same, they themselves would have advised against coming to ours if they'd been told I'd left early cos I felt ill.

Cannot see what OP has done wrong here at all - she's a much happier & safer life ahead of her without this prick in it