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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband hasn't come home

93 replies

feelinganxious24 · 14/12/2024 07:15

My husband hasn't come home from his work do. Last year he stayed out to 4am went back to the office drinking so I have a feeling he may have done the same this year and has now fallen asleep in the office. He has been out of the house since 1pm yesterday, no text or phone call. This is normal though as we don't tend to text/call throughout the day/nights out.
I'm due in work shortly and now have to try get our children minded, calling in sick is not an option for me (I may have to though) and personally I think the job will be a distraction. I'm very angry with him as I know he doesn't go out much but when he does he does stuff like this once in a while hence why I'm not panicking about his welfare just yet.

OP posts:
Whathappensnowplease · 14/12/2024 07:31

These Christmas work dos cause untold problems for people. What is it with the irresponsible, relationship breaking, disgusting behaviour all done in the name of Christmas celebrations?

I hope your DH hasn't come to any harm OP. But I would be beyond furious with him. Being a husband and father is more important than getting so drunk you can't live up to your responsibility to them.

Zanatdy · 14/12/2024 07:34

Totally unfair if he’s meant to be minding the kids when you’re working today. He shouldn’t have gone back to the office drinking more, but guess when you’re very drunk (and out since 1pm he will be) you don’t make sensible decisions.

DarkAndTwisties · 14/12/2024 07:37

I think it's unacceptable that he has apparently completely forgotten his parenting responsibilities and is putting you in the position of potentially having to call in sick.

Yes it's a Christmas party, but it doesn't trump your need to go to work.

SENMUMwhatnext · 14/12/2024 07:41

@Whathappensnowplease it’s people’s behaviour not the work dos which are to blame.

I really feel for you OP. Get through today. Make a note in your phone of some
where how you are feeling and next week
or in the new year you can consider your relationship.

Amazingamazon · 14/12/2024 07:41

I came on to pretty much say the same as the first response.
Every year around Christmas there are so many threads of ‘partner didn’t come home from Christmas night out’
It amazes me what other women put up with.

If my DH didn’t come home and didn’t tell me that he wasn’t going to he knows it would be a deal breaker, the same as I would if it were me.

A simple text ‘gone back to the office, so don’t worry if I’m not back by the time you get up’ or even sending you his location if he’s too drunk to type!

It would ruin my trust if my DH did this, I see not reason why he wouldn’t come home and not tell me unless he had lost all respect for me and our marriage.

Cornwallian · 14/12/2024 07:43

How many women go to a works do and get so drunk they forget their children have nobody to look after them? V v few and those that do would be regarded as very bad mothers.

Original poster
feelinganxious24 · 14/12/2024 07:45

Thank you for the replies and thank you for allowing me be justified with my anger. In all the years we've been married I've never once stayed out all night. When I went out with my friends recently I was home by 11pm because I knew I was up for the school run the next morning.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 14/12/2024 07:45

I've honestly never know anyone in real life to behave the way people seem to do on here - it sometimes feels as though I live in a totally parallel universe Confused

A man who stays out all night and makes his partner call in sick to work is not one I would want in my life. There's staying out late and having a hangover on a weekend and then there's this. There's no excuse for it.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 14/12/2024 07:49

I can't believe people do this and I'm fairly relaxed. Hope he pulls his finger out and gets home ASAP

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 14/12/2024 08:05

@feelinganxious24 just you carry on believing he has returned to his office and fallen asleep there!!!! for goodness sake, phone him now or grab the kids and check at the office. bet you he wont be there! he is sleeping somewhere else. can you check on his phone? call any workmates???

Minfilia · 14/12/2024 08:10

OP he is a selfish twat (and doesn’t December bring them out!) but you don’t have to call in sick, you’re entitled to dependant leave in an emergency (if you can avoid the loss in pay).

I wouldn’t leave him with a drunk hungover moron anyway!

pestowithwalnuts · 14/12/2024 08:14

What sort of company does he work for that allows it's staff to work while drunk

CaptainRedbeardandbigbadbarry · 14/12/2024 08:20

Whathappensnowplease · 14/12/2024 07:31

These Christmas work dos cause untold problems for people. What is it with the irresponsible, relationship breaking, disgusting behaviour all done in the name of Christmas celebrations?

I hope your DH hasn't come to any harm OP. But I would be beyond furious with him. Being a husband and father is more important than getting so drunk you can't live up to your responsibility to them.

Edited

Yeah this.

I know a lot of people just accept this sort of thing. I don’t and I wouldn’t.
I suffer with an anxiety disorder as well and so this would likely tip me over the edge.

I couldn’t be in a marriage where we each fuck off and do our own thing and communicate as and when we feel like it. Nope, not for me, but horses for courses and all that as lots of folk on MN do that so 🤷‍♀️

For me though, I would be livid. As well as worried sick and that’s not right to put anyone through that shit through not even bothering to use their phone to communicate.

PrioritisePleasure24 · 14/12/2024 08:20

pestowithwalnuts · 14/12/2024 08:14

What sort of company does he work for that allows it's staff to work while drunk

He isn’t at work… if he is in the office they went back for drinks not to work!

northernballer · 14/12/2024 08:22

I'm very laid back about changing plans and staying out later, but to leave you without childcare and potentially phoning in sick is unacceptable. Irresponsible prick.

DarkAndTwisties · 14/12/2024 08:23

I couldn’t be in a marriage where we each fuck off and do our own thing and communicate as and when we feel like it. Nope, not for me, but horses for courses and all that as lots of folk on MN do that so

I'd hope even the more relaxed MN posters would still generally draw the line at him preventing OP from being able to go to work because he hasn't got back.

Paul2023 · 14/12/2024 08:26

Also worth bearing in mind that lots of employers won’t pay you for taking time off for child care , meaning you lose a days pay. Also that’s not really the issue here, we don’t know what job you do but they might be relying on you to turn up and going sick isn’t always easy in some occupations. Are you the only one in your department?

I hope he comes home safe nonetheless.

Pippa12 · 14/12/2024 08:27

This is disgraceful behaviour- I would hit the bloody roof if my husband did this. Bloody Christmas parties are absolutely nothing but trouble!

Atinybird · 14/12/2024 08:29

So he’s only done this once before and it was at Christmas? I guess he’s either trying to keep face with his colleagues or if he has done it at other times, then he knows he will get away with treating you so disrespectfully. I hope your day isn’t too difficult. Respect yourself, don’t let him get away with this. Trustworthy people don’t treat their partners and children like this. I’m sorry to say, I guess is if you dig a little you may find he is not the person he pretends to be. Good luck x

KimFan · 14/12/2024 08:30

I don’t think it’s the Christmas parties that are the issue, it’s people’s complete lack of self control! The vast majority of staff attending their parties don’t behave like this!

Thursdaygirl · 14/12/2024 08:30

YANBU, I would be furious

TheaBrandt · 14/12/2024 08:32

That’s really bad. It’s not like the over controlling one last week who wanted her Dh to message her every 3 hours and was put out that he “rolled in” at 11pm.

Didimum · 14/12/2024 09:02

Have you heard from him yet, OP?

Original poster
feelinganxious24 · 14/12/2024 09:05

I know he's alive, he rang me doesn't know what to say blah blah blah. I know what the scrip will be later, I don't go out a lot, most of my friends are out every weekend, I'm still home on time for your shift etc
I work shift so by calling in sick or taking time off today Im going to be down a significant amount of money that would be handy in January

OP posts:
SallyWD · 14/12/2024 09:15

I myself have been guilty of getting very drunk, unintentionally, so in a way, I can't criticise. However, it does seem sad that some people can't go out without getting into this state. The fact your DH doesn't go out much, night mean that when he does he does completely mad! He will, no doubt, be extremeky remorseful, but he's left you in a terrible situation with the children.