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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband hasn't come home

93 replies

feelinganxious24 · 14/12/2024 07:15

My husband hasn't come home from his work do. Last year he stayed out to 4am went back to the office drinking so I have a feeling he may have done the same this year and has now fallen asleep in the office. He has been out of the house since 1pm yesterday, no text or phone call. This is normal though as we don't tend to text/call throughout the day/nights out.
I'm due in work shortly and now have to try get our children minded, calling in sick is not an option for me (I may have to though) and personally I think the job will be a distraction. I'm very angry with him as I know he doesn't go out much but when he does he does stuff like this once in a while hence why I'm not panicking about his welfare just yet.

OP posts:
Muffinmog2 · 14/12/2024 09:15

Sorry this is happening to you x

My husband did this to me, just after I had given birth to my first daughter and had a hemorrhage at christmas. It's always very hard at around this time of year remembering how much he didn't and still doesn't care about me.

I really hope you can sort it out and you don't miss out on any money. Best wishes x

DowntonFlabbie · 14/12/2024 09:37

feelinganxious24 · 14/12/2024 09:05

I know he's alive, he rang me doesn't know what to say blah blah blah. I know what the scrip will be later, I don't go out a lot, most of my friends are out every weekend, I'm still home on time for your shift etc
I work shift so by calling in sick or taking time off today Im going to be down a significant amount of money that would be handy in January

Very unclear. Will he back for you to go to work or not?

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 14/12/2024 09:42

That’s grim.

He rather have a drink than look after his children so you can go to work?

WTF?

Choices were made last night and your children weren’t one of them.

BurgundyBear · 14/12/2024 09:47

Well at least you know where his priorities lie. Selfish twat.
If I were you op I’d seriously be evaluating my options.

jeaux90 · 14/12/2024 09:47

It's fine he went out.

Not fine that he's not back in time for your shift.

susiedaisy1912 · 14/12/2024 09:49

What time are you due start work op? Will he be back in time?

dothehokeycokey · 14/12/2024 09:52

Every year we get loads of posts of the same nature and it just blows my mind that some men seem to just surrender all responsibility the minute they've had a few.

Not all men as I said above but it's so common.

There's a thread here today where a poster has been sat in McDonald's all night as her partner went out and hasn't come home and she can't get in the house because He lost his keys so took hers.

The bar needs to be raised ladies it really does

My dh did this twice.

On the second time he was told if it ever happened again we would be divorcing and he would be moving out because it wasn't something I would tolerate.
Never happened again,because he understood I was serious and now looks back and says he can't believe he behaved like it.

If these partners and husbands DONT see the issue then they have no respect for you as an equal and are showing you how they view the relationship

Lufannian · 14/12/2024 09:53

Oh no I’d be absolutely losing my shit.

Going back to the office to continue drinking and then sleeping there is absolutely grim behaviour anyway. Ick.

MeatRaffleRita · 14/12/2024 09:53

and how old are the children?

If they are under 14 I wouldn't be leaving with them with someone who is potentially still drunk.

TeabySea · 14/12/2024 09:55

BurgundyBear · 14/12/2024 09:47

Well at least you know where his priorities lie. Selfish twat.
If I were you op I’d seriously be evaluating my options.

Absolutely this.

It's not the going out. It's not even the lack of contact.
It's the total and utter disregard for the family unit, and specifically for OP: his actions have created a situation where even if he is home in time for her to go to work, he's not likely to be capable of looking after his own children.

Tvp123 · 14/12/2024 09:55

I went out this week and didn't come home but I texted DH to tell him I was sharing friend's hotel room and told him which hotel it was. I also let him know when I'd got to the hotel safely at 3am and that phone would be on silent so as not to disturb my room mate. I was really drunk but would have to be totally unconscious for it not to pop into my head that I need to update DH. I'd be really fucked off if DH didn't let me know either. It isn't acceptable to me not to communicate this stuff.

However, that's just the staying out part. The not being back to be available and in a fit state to be available for the children is 100% unacceptable.

Whathappensnowplease · 14/12/2024 10:01

@dothehokeycokey

I totally agree with you.

Dweetfidilove · 14/12/2024 10:02

I'm amazed these men are responsible for raising children, when they completely lack discipline and self-control ☹️.

He knows you have work, and he's just so carefree about jeopardising your income. Such disregard for himself and his family.

RadioCountdown · 14/12/2024 10:07

SallyWD · 14/12/2024 09:15

I myself have been guilty of getting very drunk, unintentionally, so in a way, I can't criticise. However, it does seem sad that some people can't go out without getting into this state. The fact your DH doesn't go out much, night mean that when he does he does completely mad! He will, no doubt, be extremeky remorseful, but he's left you in a terrible situation with the children.

Would you do it when you know you have responsibilities for your child/children? I hope not.

Fannyfiggs · 14/12/2024 10:07

Dweetfidilove · 14/12/2024 10:02

I'm amazed these men are responsible for raising children, when they completely lack discipline and self-control ☹️.

He knows you have work, and he's just so carefree about jeopardising your income. Such disregard for himself and his family.

These men are not responsible though because they know their female partner will pick up the slack so they do wtf they like 🙄

Absolutely scunners me!

RadioCountdown · 14/12/2024 10:09

They are HIS children too. Why does he get to just offload his responsibility for a night out? Jesus Christ the more I’m on this site the more I despair at the number of idiotic men-children. I have one too that isn’t like this but just has a fragile ego that can’t cope with any kind of criticism without having a temper tantrum and sulking on the floor. It’s fucking depressing.

Dweetfidilove · 14/12/2024 10:09

Fannyfiggs · 14/12/2024 10:07

These men are not responsible though because they know their female partner will pick up the slack so they do wtf they like 🙄

Absolutely scunners me!

Show quote history

You're so right, actually ☹️.

Lufannian · 14/12/2024 10:09

Tvp123 · 14/12/2024 09:55

I went out this week and didn't come home but I texted DH to tell him I was sharing friend's hotel room and told him which hotel it was. I also let him know when I'd got to the hotel safely at 3am and that phone would be on silent so as not to disturb my room mate. I was really drunk but would have to be totally unconscious for it not to pop into my head that I need to update DH. I'd be really fucked off if DH didn't let me know either. It isn't acceptable to me not to communicate this stuff.

However, that's just the staying out part. The not being back to be available and in a fit state to be available for the children is 100% unacceptable.

Edited

It’s better than nothing but I’d still be seriously pissed off if my husband did this.

Katrinawaves · 14/12/2024 10:21

I highly doubt that he went back to the office (with or without colleagues) to continue drinking after the work Christmas party! Unless his office has lots of alcohol lying around and the party was just next door that’s totally unconvincing. I mean who really stops off at an off license, buys a carry out and treks across town to an empty office after a party?

Either he and colleagues have gone somewhere completely insalubrious after the party which he doesn’t want to admit to (a lapdancing club or the like) or more likely given he isn’t home yet, he’s had sex with a random and is holed up in a hotel room with them or back at their place if they are not in their own relationship.

Honestly I’d be getting him to prove to you that he was in the office and if he can’t consider your options. Ask him to show you his bank and credit card statements and his phone and see where that takes you.

Original poster
feelinganxious24 · 14/12/2024 10:29

Thank you everyone for the replies. I've family helping me out today, I didn't sugarcoat why I need their help either. I'm going to go to work and treat myself to a nice coffee to get me through it will update later

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 14/12/2024 10:42

I'm sorry your husband has turned out to be so useless OP. I would be absolutely furious.

CautiousLurker01 · 14/12/2024 10:45

biscuitsandbooks · 14/12/2024 07:45

I've honestly never know anyone in real life to behave the way people seem to do on here - it sometimes feels as though I live in a totally parallel universe Confused

A man who stays out all night and makes his partner call in sick to work is not one I would want in my life. There's staying out late and having a hangover on a weekend and then there's this. There's no excuse for it.

I don’t get this either - my DH and his mates are big drinkers [when they get together] and in the days before kids there were occasions when one or more of them might miss the train and kip on the station bench or fall asleep on the last train and spend the night stuck on the train in a siding until it moved again in the morning. Never has one of them done it since kids, certainly not on the night before a day where they have family commitments.

They are all 55-60 now - having been mates for 30+years - and still get hammered on golf tour every year, but they expressly do this to let their hair down in a safe environment where their families don’t need to see their drunken/hungover arses. Plys at their age, they are pathetic when drunk. I don;t need to see that…

I know their wives pretty well, and I am fairly certain that if any of the guys had done that to them, their arses would have been handed to them, along with a suitcase, and it would take the most serious grovelling and a commitment to never repeat it before they’d be allowed home.

Ohnobackagain · 14/12/2024 10:48

@feelinganxious24 frame it as “I have no problem with you going out. I do have a problem that you can’t be back on time for me to go to work without breaking my neck to get cover, knowing how much money we will lose and how unprofessional/unreliable I’d look, putting me at the top of the ‘get rid’ list if it came to redundancies”.

What an a-hole.

CaptainRedbeardandbigbadbarry · 14/12/2024 10:51

DarkAndTwisties · 14/12/2024 08:23

I couldn’t be in a marriage where we each fuck off and do our own thing and communicate as and when we feel like it. Nope, not for me, but horses for courses and all that as lots of folk on MN do that so

I'd hope even the more relaxed MN posters would still generally draw the line at him preventing OP from being able to go to work because he hasn't got back.

Absolutely. It’s the complete lack of respect for all of it: the entire situation.

2chocolateoranges · 14/12/2024 11:04

Dh did this to me one time, it for to 6.30am and I phoned and said if he wasn’t home within 30minutes not to come home at all! He was home in 15 minutes! Made sure the children had every Christmas song up full blast on the speakers that day, jumping on the bed, being noisy. Worst hangover day for him ever!

never happened again.its really disrespectful to stay out all night like that, dh and his workmates had all went back to one of their houses drank some more, and played music, one of them played the guitar and they had a sing song but 6.30am is taking the piss!