(CW Child abuse) Why do mothers not protect their children from abusive boyfriends

[OutWithTheMule]

There has been another horrific child abuse death and I have noticed in the majority of these cases the mothers boyfriend has been abusing the child, and the mother is aware and allows it to happen, and usually protects them by trying to cover it up from the police after the fact.

In the awful case that has been in the news today the mother had only been with her boyfriend for 36 days. She allowed the abuse to continue because she didn't want him to leave her. How the fuck can you choose someone you have known 36 days over your own child!?

I just can't understand why these women choose their boyfriends over their children, if anyone laid a finger on my daughter I would flay them!! Even if you wouldn't physically intervene you would take your child and leave surely? If the boyfriend isn't the child's father they have no access to them if you just take them somewhere else. I know women are sometimes scared to leave abusive partners but often in these stories the partner is not abusing the mother, they are only abusing the child and the mother either passively allows it or sometimes joins in.

I understand that the fault lies with the boyfriends obviously, they are monsters and there is no excusing their actions, it's horrific. But it makes sense, violent men abuse children, it's straightforward as disgusting as it is. What I cannot understand for the life of me is why a mother would allow a boyfriend to harm their child or actively choose a boyfriend over their child. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Can anyone shed any light on these women's behaviour?

@feelingalittlehorse prior to it being a “right” it was an inevitability due to lack of contraception. There have always been inadequate, abusive parents. Perhaps the biggest difference now is the element of conscious choice involved.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I don't say these things to my daughter, she is a child. I also would never let a boyfriend live in her house if her father and I were ever to split up.

But biological parents are a completely different ball game because they have rights and it takes court orders and social services to remove them. The mother isn't allowing abuse from a biological parent, they literally don't have the power to stop them and need the authorities to do so.

In the case of boyfriends all the mothers have to do is say no, I'm not allowing you to hurt my child, pick them up and leave. The boyfriends have no rights to those children, the only way they can abuse the children is if the mother allows it. Authorities should protect children from abuse, but their own mother should protect them first and foremost! And that's what I can't understand, how a mother can allow someone to abuse her child.

The whole point of this thread is that I just can't wrap my head around the reasons a mother would allow someone to abuse her child and even cover it up from them when we are hard wired to protect our children. What are the reasons for this total lack of care for their children? Not to discuss family courts or who is awarded custody or access to their children etc.

Blimey.

someone needs to tell all the psychiatrists, nurses, HV‘s, MH teams, social services and more besides in the county of Sussex then.

Because it’s part of all the student and professional training. Now and ongoing. 😧

It's an alien concept to me when my kids hurt I hurt it breaks my heart to see them suffer,
To stand back and allow someone to deliberately hurt them is not something I can get my head around

My step father abused me. I never realised it was abuse until I saw him beating up my 18 year old sister (for the first time a few months ago) and I realised just how fucked up it actually is.

My mother used to always make me feel like I deserved it, I triggered him, I was a difficult child, I was an awful teenager, I was disrespectful etc. She defended him again in the same way when I confronted them about what I saw (yes I reported it to the police).

My mother hasn't left him, she has instead told everyone that I have it all very wrong and my sister has been showered with gifts for compliance but also she continues to be gaslit, that she is the problem.

I do believe my mother and my step father are both narcissists. My mother focuses on image and how she is viewed by everyone and so hangs onto my rich step father and posts all about their superficial life all the whilst slandering me.

So, why do mothers allow this abuse to happen? Because they care about themselves and their image (even though that's clearly distorted) more than their children

Until as a society, we begin to demonstrate true respect for women who are bringing up children alone, there will always be women seeking out any relationship as a means by which to convey outward respectaiblity to society. And, increasingly, to just be able to manage financially.

It is easy to stand in judgement over these women from a place of respectability, safety and financial security and forgetting that not everyone has what you have. Much harder when you're in the thick of it. And not every man who abuses a child does so openly.

But biological parents are a completely different ball game because they have rights and it takes court orders and social services to remove them. The mother isn't allowing abuse from a biological parent, they literally don't have the power to stop them and need the authorities to do so.

It's not a completely different ballgame. Plenty of biological parents allow the other biological parent to abuse their children, turn a blind eye or actively participate and it never gets reported. If we go with the argument that women do this because they're coerced, vulnerable or because of trauma, why do you think the perpetrator being a biological parent makes any difference?

their own mother should protect them first and foremost! And that's what I can't understand, how a mother can allow someone to abuse her child.

Becoming a mother doesn't automatically make you a good, kind, nurturing person. There are many people in this world who will put their own wants and desires above all else, regardless of who it harms. Some of them are mothers. The idea that it's unfathomable or vanishingly rare for mothers to behave in this way is harmful because the issue gets swept under the rug. Abuse gets missed, children reporting abuse from their mothers may not (and have not, in many cases) be taken seriously. Children may not recognise what is happening is abuse because of the perception of mothers as protectors. People roll their eyes when fathers accuse mothers of inflicting abuse or neglect on their children. Sure, plenty of these accusations will be malicious but it shouldn't be assumed that this is always the case.

Usually it's because the mother has never had a chance to learn she's allowed to be treated in an acceptable way and, as she was treated similarly as a child and everyone said that was ok, she has no way if realising it isn't ok.

There's also the problem that some mothers unconsciously see their children as an extension of themselves, so, as they think it's ok/normal for themselves to be abused, they're unable to separate how their children are treated.

Also there's fear of abandonment and rejection (by the abusive partner).

It's hard to conceive of this if it hasn't happened to you. I can just about imagine it in cases of abuse where things that were completely normal and accepted in my childhood (e.g. shouting at and hitting children) are now (rightly) unacceptable, as I can see it's confusing for mothers who were treated like that by their families and now by their partners and were told it's fine or their isn fault, suddenly to be blamed and told it's wrong when their partners treat their children like that.

I can't imagine how a mother sees and allows her children to be injured and killed though. It's devastating.

The whole point of this thread is that I just can't wrap my head around the reasons a mother would allow someone to abuse her child and even cover it up from them when we are hard wired to protect our children. What are the reasons for this total lack of care for their children?

Gaslighting. Abuse. Fear. No where to go. No money to find their own place. Hard-wired into accepting shit men for themselves.

More importantly, why are you not asking the question, why do men do this in the first place? why do they consider it acceptable to abuse a child and, usually, the mother too? Why do they gaslight, abuse, control and who knows what else?

Yes, ACEs are certainly part of therapy, mentoring, parent support and safeguarding training I've done in recent years for voluntary work!

I think the women who do this are often dysfunctional or vulnerable. Maybe they come from a background of abuse themselves. I think they very often feel dependent on the man.
I agree that it's heartbreaking. If your own mother won't protect you, what chance do you have?

The differences are cultural, not biological.

The amount of posters on this thread making excuses for female child abusers is sickening.

Obviously this is horrifying and I don't want to excuse her in any way.
My guess is that she was in denial and somewhat dissociated when this had happened. When children are abused they tend to dissociate while the abuse is happening this is an automatic defense mechanism when you've done it as a child it tends to happen automatically when you're in a situation where you're overwhelmed as an adult.
To repeat I'm not trying to excuse her but I think these things can happen where people are prone to dissociating and being in denial.

Do you know of links to research on this? I'm interested in anything suggesting those who've experienced abuse are less likely to harm others (as it seems intuitive, but there's so much judgement of mothers who have experienced childhood abuse going on to have children themselves).

My guess is that she was in denial and somewhat dissociated when this had happened

Seriously?

Not excuses, in my case, just causes. But I agree some are just abusive and evil.

Please read my post again, you will see that I twice repeated that I am not trying to excuse this woman in any way. I'm attempting to explain not exonerate (please consult the dictionary if you need to).

I don't understand it either. Maybe their instinct to get pregnant again overrides their instinct to protect the child they already have.

She is an adult who has a choice and chooses to stay and watch she also chooses to do nothing so in my book she is just as culpable as the boyfriend if not more so as her choices med to a poor innocent child being hurt a child hzs no choice bit to live with the consequences of mums poor decision making

I'm really interested in your post and wonder are you a professional in the field and can you say more why ACEs have been removed. The dissemination of the theory behind ACEs has been of great help to me.

I have noticed, however, that there is a pushback and a recent All in the Mind was all about trauma needing a capital T and that life was full of swings and roundabouts and people just need to learn to get on with things that happen to them.

This seems really callous to me and reminds me of the pushback going on about meditation and mindfulness. I think it's about cost and medical systems not wanting to acknowledge how much damage is done to children in our society. In a way, it's just as well the child in the OPs post died, imagine the damage to her emotional development if she had lived. The photos of her and knowing how she died are beyond sickening.

After Mum died ( I was 2 yrs 7 months old- I had to go to a day nursery.

There was an absolute brute of a woman there .
Her physique was such that I still recoil from similarly built people.
I won’t go in to what she did, but if anyone has a child who seems genuinely fearful of a Nursery- please trust your instincts.

My Auntie who used to take me there said she hated doing it - and she and dad found me a new nursery thank goodness.
In later years my aunt said “I knew that woman was a bad un- all smiles at drop off but a wrenching brute behind closed doors.

Force feeding children wrenching mouth open with a spoon-
It’s power.

I have seen bullying vet nurses and grooms - An animal is silent- it cannot speak..

Bullies can be drawn to this kind of work.

please consult the dictionary if you need to

Alright then.

Collins:

Excuse
(ɪkskjuːs)
noun
An excuse is a reason which you give in order to explain why something has been done or has not been done

Excuse
verb
To excuse someone or excuse their behaviour means to provide reasons for their actions, especially when other people disapprove of these actions

Cambridge:

Excuse
noun
/ɪkˈskjuːs/
a reason that you give to explain why you did something wrong

Oxford:

Excuse
noun
/ɪkˈskjuːs,ɛkˈskjuːs/
a reason or explanation given to justify a fault or offence

Excuse
noun
/ɪkˈskjuːs/
a reason, either true or invented, that you give to explain or defend your behaviour

The OP was asking for such reasons.