(CW Child abuse) Why do mothers not protect their children from abusive boyfriends

[OutWithTheMule]

There has been another horrific child abuse death and I have noticed in the majority of these cases the mothers boyfriend has been abusing the child, and the mother is aware and allows it to happen, and usually protects them by trying to cover it up from the police after the fact.

In the awful case that has been in the news today the mother had only been with her boyfriend for 36 days. She allowed the abuse to continue because she didn't want him to leave her. How the fuck can you choose someone you have known 36 days over your own child!?

I just can't understand why these women choose their boyfriends over their children, if anyone laid a finger on my daughter I would flay them!! Even if you wouldn't physically intervene you would take your child and leave surely? If the boyfriend isn't the child's father they have no access to them if you just take them somewhere else. I know women are sometimes scared to leave abusive partners but often in these stories the partner is not abusing the mother, they are only abusing the child and the mother either passively allows it or sometimes joins in.

I understand that the fault lies with the boyfriends obviously, they are monsters and there is no excusing their actions, it's horrific. But it makes sense, violent men abuse children, it's straightforward as disgusting as it is. What I cannot understand for the life of me is why a mother would allow a boyfriend to harm their child or actively choose a boyfriend over their child. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Can anyone shed any light on these women's behaviour?

Apparently it's easier, as you can't leave the children to go on dates, etc. It's also nice to have someone to cuddle and watch the telly with as evenings are otherwise lonely - said I colleague who was having her 4 boyfriend in less than 2 years. She was something else all together.

@Dweetfidilove I agree; there are many women who prioritise lifestyle (and probably not having to work) over everything else. But the issue is often exacerbated by the fact that these women have happily become entirely financially dependent in the first place.

But that's not relevant to mothers allowing boyfriends to harm their children.

There are a lot of very damaged people out there. There is very little help and support available. Certain types of men prey on these damaged, vulnerable women. It creates generations of damaged, traumatised and abused and/or abusive people. Unless you've been abused, it's hard to understand, especially trauma bonding. For some people, it's a case of better the devil you know. It overrides everything we know about decency and behaviour.

@OutWithTheMule It is, insofar as biological parents are not always safe either.
The "professionals" are often failing children by simply not identifying abuse.

I was once on a jury where it was apparent one of the reasons the complainant's abuser was not stopped years before the complainant was old enough to be able to stop it herself was because when she tried to tell someone the mother mistakenly thought she was accusing mum's boyfriend.

The stupid mother put her own relationship above her daughter's safety and wellbeing and although the authorities were involved it was brushed off as made up because they focussed on the wrong person. Just appalling.

My mum was a safeguarding lead for many years and has told me that it is not uncommon for women to protect men who abuse their children because they don't want to be alone.

There was a thread on here last night about a woman who was heavily pregnant to a volume man with severe MH issues pleading for advice how to “get” social services understand that he was a great father after he’d assaulted her again.

They care more about having a partner than the child.

If nothing else inspires you to fix that lackadaisical attitude to independence, protecting your children should.
Then again, some folks believe keeping their children in these situations is protecting them from poverty and judgement.
I just pity the children raised in these unhealthy and unsafe environments; often to grow up and repeat the cycle.

cock is king.

you see it all the time.

as pp have said how many times on here do you read about dreadful, dreadful men and then have to read the next sentence which is about how good he is with the kids or how much he loves them or the kids love him and how great he is apart from when he's drinking / doing drugs / screaming at them / hurling abuse / kicking them round the kitchen.

You are not responsible for someone else's behaviour but you sure as shit are responsible for yours. The adult has a choice, the child has no choice.

This.
Worse in some ways as biologically they should be hardwired to protect the child in a way the men aren't.
Something is seriously wrong with society and many many individuals within it.

@WindyRedAlert I'm not sure. We certainly did get physical abuse but it was never extreme, it wasn't done where it could be seen.
The neglect and emotional abuse was much worse.
I don't know why you don't read about it as often, other than at home it was drummed into us that we absolutely do not talk about what happens in the family, and when I got up the nerve to tell a teacher she laughed and told me not to make up stories, everyone knew my parents weren't like that.

@Dweetfidilove It's hard. Because of severe financial abuse not recognised by anyone (as well as psychological abuse and coercive control), I lost so much when I left a decade ago.
My ex-husband lives in a huge house complete with swimming pool and hottub whilst we still live in privately rented a decade on. My sons live with him the majority. Life financially remains doable. Just.
I have had counselling recently and for the first time ever I do not blame myself for the "selfish" decision to leave.
As my counsellor said, better to have a loving mum a little of the time than no loving mum at all.
I'm still fucking angry though.

Women are so desperate to no be alone they’ll prioritise awful boyfriends and ignore all the red flags. My friend is a family court solicitor and her experience is that many women do not put their dc first in these situations.

Yes. It tends to be that when a woman abuses her child it’s assumed she’s a victim of some sort, that a man must have coerced her to do it. Or she’s vulnerable. Or she’s experienced trauma. Do the same people who make these assumptions speculate whether a man who abuses children is vulnerable or has experienced some kind of trauma?

Women are capable of abusing children of their own volition just as men are. Women shouldn’t be treated more sympathetically when it comes to abuse just because they’re women. Sexual abuse where the perpetrator is female is barely acknowledged, and if it is it tends to be perceived by the public as a much lesser crime.

There is societal pressure to be in a relationship or be seen as a weirdo. Even more so when someone has children. How many times have we seen/do we see women being criticised for being single mothers?

How can you let someone you've known for 36 days live with you, let alone your child. She'd then allowed him to abuse her daughter. This is an unpopular opinion on MN, but I don't care, I hope she never knows a moments peace in prison and gets very, very harsh retribution

I know a lady who got with a lunatic - red flags within a month of dating, but she minimised it and continued the relationship and went on to have a baby with him. People tried to warm her that it would end in disaster but with no avail.

His aggression got worse after their son was born and she did leave him after a few months. SS said you need to remove yourself and DS and tbf she did just that.

She now sees how vile he is and won’t let him any where near their DS6 and quite rightly so as he’s unpredictable, aggressive, and you wouldn’t trust him with a dog.

The strange thing is, he’s threatening to take her to court for contact etc and she’s asked a solicitor about the likely hood of him getting access and apparently it’s high.

I mean how can this be? She’s told to remove her child and herself away from him or SS will be involved so she does then a few years later she’s supposed to agree with him having contact on his own…. How?!

These women are sociopaths or have severe attachment disorders - and are often care experienced themselves, or they are in a hopeless state of addiction. I work with families like this and it is horrendous.

I work with many many families who’s children are removed due to not prioritising the child(ren)’s wellbeing over their partner.
The majority of cases of shaken baby are done a partner that is not related to the baby.
Mothers prioritise abusive partners for a myriad of reasons.
Substance addiction.
ACE’s in their own childhood.
DV being the norm in their own upbringing.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of leaving the perpetrator.
Learning difficulties.
Isolation.
General inability to parent safely.
Thats NOT to say that those who have any of the above are predispositions to invite a partner into their lives that is a threat to their children. Far from it.
But when it does happen, especially when more than one of the above is present - which is often the way - they are some of the risk factors within the child’s life that means their parent puts them in danger.

I don't think "most men" don't want to look after their children.

ACEs have been removed for a few years now and are no longer in use. They cause harm to the children and were never meant to be used in the way they are now.

People with past abuse/trauma are less likely to cause harm to others in the future.

Because people think that abuse only happens on bleak council estates . People judge by appearances and top show.

Also a lot seem to have learning disabilities.

I haven't read the full thread as I can see it will be too triggering.

As a child that was in this situation ( I am pretty sure my mum knew anyway) I want to say something to you. Please be careful what you say to your children. My mum used to say if anyone touches you I will kill them. This scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to be responsible for that, and my mum going to prison so I kept quiet. Acted out in other ways hoping she would click. But she either ignored it or I wasn't obvious enough.

Just make sure they can always come and talk to you, no judgement but dint say things like I will flay them, kill them etc that's a terrible thing for a child to have to take onboard when they want to say I don't like the way your boyfriends touch me when they put me to bed.

Because for some reason, unbeknownst to many, it has now become the societal norm that having a child is your God Given Right, if you decide to have one. And voicing an opinion the other way is now seen as offensive.
There are lots of people out there- male and female- who just categorically, should not be parents. Now be that due to unresolved trauma, abuse, addiction, illness - whatever the excuse is given, but I actually think this enables some behaviour.
There are many mothers and fathers out there that have grown up in abusive households that do not subject their children to the same. ‘Blaming’ past trauma just minimises the work done by those who have overcome it and gone on to do better by their own families.

We have become a society that places the parent’s right to have a child, over the safeguarding and future welfare of said child. I’m not sure what the solution is, but what I do know is that it’s always the children who suffer.