(CW Child abuse) Why do mothers not protect their children from abusive boyfriends

[OutWithTheMule]

There has been another horrific child abuse death and I have noticed in the majority of these cases the mothers boyfriend has been abusing the child, and the mother is aware and allows it to happen, and usually protects them by trying to cover it up from the police after the fact.

In the awful case that has been in the news today the mother had only been with her boyfriend for 36 days. She allowed the abuse to continue because she didn't want him to leave her. How the fuck can you choose someone you have known 36 days over your own child!?

I just can't understand why these women choose their boyfriends over their children, if anyone laid a finger on my daughter I would flay them!! Even if you wouldn't physically intervene you would take your child and leave surely? If the boyfriend isn't the child's father they have no access to them if you just take them somewhere else. I know women are sometimes scared to leave abusive partners but often in these stories the partner is not abusing the mother, they are only abusing the child and the mother either passively allows it or sometimes joins in.

I understand that the fault lies with the boyfriends obviously, they are monsters and there is no excusing their actions, it's horrific. But it makes sense, violent men abuse children, it's straightforward as disgusting as it is. What I cannot understand for the life of me is why a mother would allow a boyfriend to harm their child or actively choose a boyfriend over their child. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Can anyone shed any light on these women's behaviour?

I can't work it out OP. I don't understand why this woman, who had no history of child abuse and held down a good job allowed some spotty toe rag to kill her daughter. Her daughter was perfectly well looked after and seemingly loved beforehand.

Abuse isn't an excuse as she barely knew him and there's no evidence he was abusing her. From what I've read her daughter died under horrific circumstances and she just watched.

She seemed reasonably intelligent and wasn't vulnerable so I've got no idea. Surely there must be sociopathic tendencies in a mother who watches her child get killed.

There's a bit of a myth that women are passive onlookers in these tragic cases. But actually a good number are active participants in the abuse.

I think the women who allow their children to be abused are just as much a monster as the man hurting them. These women may have reasons for being what they are, terrible, sad reasons, but those reasons do not make them any less a monster.

My mother kept us with our violent and alcoholic father because "we wouldn't have been able to live in that big house with the lovely garden if I left. We'd be in some horrible council house. What would people think."

So basically, for her, appearances and what other people thought was more important than stopping her children being abused and beaten.

Yes, this.

Theyre irresponsible shitbags.

I'm glad to see it's not just me that think these women that allow their children to be abused are monsters. I was expecting a bunch of posters to come along and tell me it's never the woman's fault she's probably afraid or been abused herself etc. So it's refreshing to see people call out these women.

It's so sad that women choose men over their children, I didn't think it could be that simple but many posters have said this so it probably is.

I agree this case makes no sense, how can a woman who works in a nursery and looks after her own child we'll end up pushing a dead child around for 3 days after letting someone she barely knows kill them. Its heinous and literally doesn't compute in my mind.

I agree the women who allow this to happen should be charged equally to the scumbags who harm their child.

I’ve never understood why mums move new boyfriends in so easily and quickly. It’s a recipe for disaster. The DC feel resentful and pushed out, and if he has children from a previous marriage it creates so many problems.

Of course the bigger question is why are some men abusive, dangerous, violent arseholes?

Because some women don't care as long as they have a man. I couldn't imagine any man coming before my two particularly when my DS was small.

Even if it's not horrific abuse some women will allow a man to be front and centre and neglect the rounded emotional development of their child. My ex friend admitted she let her DC down because all she thought about was the man and her continued relationship instead of getting of her arse to provide and look after her DC. This was a woman who had plenty to say about how I raised my DS.

It's always been the way though and it will continue.

This is horrifying to read. Really sorry for you.

I think that they should be held to account. However I was a CP SW and I've never carried out a parenting assessment on such women and there hasn't been generations of abuse. If you read the thread on grumpy men and the women not only walking on eggshells around them, but teaching their children to as well, it's low level abuse. I read low to medium abuse on here all of the time. These are women, fairly educated and in good employment. So it isn't surprising that as those drop, the potential for further abuse rises. In the Gleason-Mitchell case, it was drugs. In other cases it can be learning difficulties (meaning vulnerability), personality disorders, MH or that just as men can be abusive, so can women.

Dreadful. Like a PP I never brought a man into our home and even though my DC are older now I’m unlikely ever to want a man living with me. I never understood why women bring a non biological male into her children’s home.

Been on MN for many years in different guises and best piece of advice I read here about being a LP was to “keep a new man away from your heart and away from your home”. It’s sound advice IMHO.

I worked with Family Legal Aid cases, aboit a decade ago.

The number of women who would not, or could not, leave abusive men to protect their children was extremely high then and doubtless remains the same now. These men were often the fathers of the biological fathers of the children, though equally often new boyfriends. These women generally lost their children to the care system, and the cycle of lying about not being with said men, getting caught out and the children being removed again begins.

Many, many people are from the sort of backgrounds where SS have been involved for multiple generations, multigenerational familial abuse - sexual or otherwise, is the norm within them.

They are dysfunctional to a degree the average normal person cannot even begin to imagine. It would be rare in these cases that the introduction of the new boyfriend is the only cause for concern or was the beginning of abusive patterns of behaviour. The trigger for escalation maybe, but not the beginning of a cause for concern.

It was a relatively short period I worked in that field but some of the things I saw during it will never leave me. I don’t know how social workers and those who work long term with such individuals cope long term, with the awful things they see.

"how can a woman who works in a nursery and looks after her own child we'll end up pushing a dead child around for 3 days after letting someone she barely knows kill them"

The conclusion was drugs. The type that most posters, on a thread last week wanted legalising. It would mean the death of a lot of children.

She had known him longer than 36 days - they had previously been in a relationship in 2019, and the 36 days refers to the length of their current relationship. Not that this explains or excuses anything, of course.

Nailed it. We talk about trauma, dysfunction and vulnerability, but an awful lot of these woman are selfish individuals who prioritize their own wants above that of their children. They are not vulnerable - they re inconsiderate and neglectful and thoughtless.

Some people are just crap abusive parents and they have lots of children who grow up yearning for a family of their own to heal their trauma so have a lot of children very young and the cycle repeats and repeats.

I'm neuro divergent, I have complex trauma, I was emotionally neglected by my narc mother (occasional v mild physical abuse too - eg "accidentally" slamming a door on my fingers), I've been sexually assaulted and had some not great relationships. I'm medicated but still struggle with anxiety, depression and low self esteem. I'm an ex self harmer and have addiction issues.

I, and many, many women like me, would lay down my life for my kids and would never in a million years allow anyone, male or female, to hurt my children.

There is simply no excuse - women who do this should be sterilised.

Add carers to that.

They come in all social classes too . It seems to be the working / under class abuse cases that make the headlines though.

@WindyRedAlert they do, my parents were both middle class in very good jobs, both well respected.
Which meant that nobody believed it when I tried to tell them.

@OutWithTheMule It wasn't for Sara Sharif. Her own father killed her, after being awarded custody despite a huge amount of evidence that he was a violent man.
The "Father's rights at all costs" is an incredible dangerous rhetoric.

The last paragraph makes no sense if you’re a well adjust woman - I assume you are. It wasn’t going on in secret.

Surely you would trust your own instincts as to whether a guy you’re dating is decent or not. There are red flags more often than not, but for some reason they are often ignored and like clockwork things get worse and worse.

These monster mothers aren’t oblivious to what’s going on, they know it’s happening! They don’t do anything to stop it. They are culprits of their child’s suffering. The vast majority of mothers would do anything to protect their children.

(I’m not talking about the case of little Sara as it was her monster of a dad)

Would you say with middle class parents it's more likely to be verbal and emotional abuse rather than physical abuse and that's why you rarely read about such cases ?

Women like her are a dime and dozen on this forum. It doesn't matter what advice they get, even from children who were raised in said circumstance, they will not be moved. So sad ☹️.

Because they are insecure and desperate. My mother chose a convicted paedophile over me and her grandchildren (who she also exposed to the risk of abuse). Thankfully, I don’t believe my children were ever harmed, but I think they would have been if I hadn’t stepped in and cut her off. He abused another child in his family before they met, which he pled guilty to, and other (not related) children since they have been together (not caught but my mum told me it happened).

It’s because she is insecure and desperate and it’s easier to live in a fantasy world believing you have the ‘perfect man’ and the ‘perfect life’ than to live in reality. For her, it’s very #blessed and very social media glossy, which belies what is really going on behind closed doors. For some people, that’s worth more than family and genuine connection.

I cannot even begin to fathom throwing my own children away for a man. Even if Dh - who is the loveliest man ever - did something horrible to either of them, he’d be straight in the bin. I think some people are so messed up though that their attachments are so surface. They will happily discard a child they claimed to love because something new and shiny came along. They feel so bad about themselves that they chase anything that gives them a little hit of self worth. Absolutely pathetic really.