For not wanting to share my lottery winnings with my sister after she let me move in with her?

[SarahJP95]

A bit of backstory, I (29f) have been very close to my sister (41f) since our mother passed about 10 years ago. We have always lived quite close to each other but a couple of years ago I moved away to live with my now ex partner, everything was great for about a year until he started to become more and more abusive towards me, I stuck it out though until it started becoming physical in our last year together.

I visited my sister and broke down and told her everything, to this day she's still the only person who knows the full extent of how bad it had been for me. I begged her to let me move in with her and she said I couldn't live in the house since her and her husband were expecting their third child so needed the spare room but I could park my van in their garage and stay in it for as long as I needed.

I was so relieved and started making plans immediately to break up with my partner and get away from him as soon as possible. I pretended I was refurbishing my work van so we could travel in it and he luckily didn't question it, I spent all of my savings converting it so it had a sleeping area, a toilet and a tiny kitchen.

I was about a week away from leaving when I received a phone call from my sister, we hadn't discussed rent yet but I had stupidly assumed from our conversations that I would just be able to pay for the cost of the electricity I would be using and then of course when I was back on my feet and had found a new job I could start paying them a bit more.

She said she had discussed it with her husband and they had come up with a list of rules I had to agree to before I could move in, this included childsitting and petsitting as and when needed (unpaid), helping in the garden and around the house and driving my sister to hospital appointments when her husband couldn't, I would have to provide everything for myself but I could use their shower if I needed to. I agreed to all of it but then she said the rent would be £375 a month as well. I was shocked, I really wasn't expecting it to be so high especially when I had agreed to everything else.

I begged her to give me a bit of leeway for the first couple of months since there was nowhere else I could go, she said it was non negotiable and it was still cheaper than renting a room somewhere else (about £450-£550 in our area), I was desperate and just wanted to be near family so I agreed. This did mean I had to wait an extra 3 months to leave my ex so I could save up enough money and it was honestly the worst 3 months of my life.

I lived with them for about 2 years in the end, I loved being able to see my nieces and nephews everyday but the van was cold and damp and I eventually developed pneumonia so moved out as soon as I had enough money saved for a deposit to rent a flat nearby. I still see my sister but honestly I have become quite resentful towards her which I know is petty since she did let me move in when she could have just said no, but I'm finding it hard to get past what happened.

Fast forward 6 months and I unexpectedly won a bit of money in the lottery, I play a couple times a months but never won anything until now, it wasn't a huge amount but I was so thrilled because it meant along with my savings I had enough to put down a deposit on a one bed flat I had fallen in love with, with a bit left over to fix it up and finally have a proper place of my own.

I hadn't heard from my sister for a couple of weeks but when I told her that I had won some money she started crying and said she wanted to meet up with me. I agreed of course, turns out she's been wanting to leave her husband for a long time but could never afford to move out with 3 kids, I was shocked because they always seemed really close but she has apparently been unhappy for a while. He's not abusive towards her thank god but she has described him as 'boring' in the past and says he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with her.

She's asked if I can give her half of my winnings so she can find a house to rent and pay the deposit on it with enough for the first 6 months or so of rent until she finds a new job, I said I couldn't do that as there wouldn't be enough for the flat I wanted and I have already began talking to a solicitor. I said I could give her the money I was going to use to refurbish the flat but that's it.

This escalated into a huge argument where she called me ungrateful, said she had supported me when I wanted to leave my partner, said I didn't love her or her kids and that if I didn't help her then she never wanted to see me again.

I am honestly so upset about the whole ordeal, the thought of never seeing my nieces and nephews again breaks my heart and I wish there was a way I could help my sister without losing out on buying a home for myself.

Our father and cousins have all contacted me saying I'm being selfish and I need to help my sister out after she helped me, I just don't know what the right thing to do would be. AIBU?

She sounds like a lying, greedy cheeky fucker.

Oh, and I'd be sending the nephew back to his parents after a fortnight too! You are under ZERO obligation, even if you get along with the boy/man to host him. Give them a fortnight to sort their arguments out about their son, send him back to his parents and then don't let any of them pass your threshold!

Brings to mind that expression ‘when money comes in the door, love flies out the window’.

Sorry you had to go through this with your sister OP but she doesn’t sound at all loving or caring towards you. Pity she knows about the money. Was unreasonable of her to tell everyone and pit the family against you. Call her bluff and be done with her.

darling, family or not, you must know a selfish using person when you see it. These are YOUR winnings, enjoy them and enjoy your good luck. Don’t even give her the refurbishing money. You’re so close to your goal and funny enough, that’s when people sniff out happiness and come to try and take from it. Just like bugs attract to light. DONT feel guilty and stop thinking about it whenever you can. No means no, that’s it.

Buy your property. Charge £375 her to live in a van in your garden. Tell her she needs to clean your house daily as well.

i couldnt believe this when read it get your home .do not give sister money sorry but where were family when you needed help. get on with life i know it will hurt not seeing children but you deserved better than you got .buy your home and be happy

Good points, @Naerub

Going by the OP's first post it sounded like she had several nephews and nieces, but that isn't actually the case. It's also baffling why she didn't rent a flat instead of sleeping in cold, damp van when she was able to save money towards buying a flat on top of paying £375 a month to her sister plus food and essentials.

I'm intrigued to know what her job is...if she has (or had) a work van it sounds like she's tradesperson and they make good money as a rule. As you say, why didn't she rent a flat of her own?

It would be interesting to hear what her version of events has been to other family members.
look after yourself and put yourself first.
I think you need to get the flat you like and look after your future first.
Sounds to me like your sister took advantage of your situation when you needed to leave the toxic relationship you were in.
I supported family for two years and didn’t take anything from them.
that’s what decent people do.
Your DS husband will need to support your sister. Take care ❤️

OP just imagine it was them who had won that lottery money. Would they have given you even a penny? She would have made a million FAKE excuses as to why they can’t pay you. And I hands down guarantee that if it was her husband who won some money she’d end up wanting to stay with him because that’s what she is - a money hungry materialistic person. Family or not.

She is still manipulating you. Soon the nephew will be asking you for money for phone and clothes and socialising if you let him move in. She has her eyes on the prize. I would not take on her teenager (I don’t think you have the first clue what this will be like — it’s not cheap and you won’t see a bean from her) - and limit your contact with this woman.

This update has honestly boiled my blood. She has not only seriously taken advantage of you, but flat out said she thought you were a liar. I’d never speak to her again. It makes no difference how much money you’ve won, If you do anything else for her then you’re a fool.

Goodness, no. You've already given your sister more than enough, and quite honestly she does not, and is never going to, have your best interests at heart. As hard as this is to hear about family, she is not unconditionally on your side; she's only on your side when it suits her. Please, please do buy your own little place. But of course easier advised than done. I've been in similar situations with family and it's so hard to say no under the weight of all the pressure families can bring to bear. The threat of losing that connection, or of having it turn sour, and of everyone blaming you forever after, makes it seem so much easier just to give in and go along.

In my case, many of my friends very reasonably asked: exactly what kind of relationship are you bending over backwards to preserve here? and I'd urge you to ask yourself that question, OP. (I found this clip instructive at the time: )

Your wanting continued access to your nieces and nephews complicates things a lot, unfortunately, and if it were me, I'd probably give in just for that. But please don't! Remember that much of what your sister says now is just empty threats and drama in the heat of the moment. She'll still be your sister once the dust has settled, and eventually she'll remember it. Maybe that thought will help a little with your difficult task: finding the strength to detach a bit from the family pressures and put yourself first - because if you don't, no one else is going to.

Best of luck, OP. Do let us know how you get on. x

She charged you nearly £400 a month to park your van in her garage and she expects you to give her the money that will enable you to be independent? No, you don't need to help her. She did not really help you when you were in a mess, and let you spend another 3 months with a man who was abusing you.
Like you, she needs to save for what she wants. Your family need to understand that.

You go and buy and furnish your flat. You don't owe your sister anything. You paid her handsomely to rent a garage with cash and services.

You are DEFINITELY NOT B U! As others have said, you were taken advantage of when you were at your lowest point by your cheeky cow of a sister. You owe her nothing at all. Good luck in your new home 🏡 xx

She didn't support you, she made money out of you and seems to be trying to do so again. Her story sounds very suspect, why can't her husband move out? I assume relatives have been given a very slanted view of the story. Stick to your guns and your money.

Hi op,

buy your flat and let her by a van and live in it on your premises with her three children. She will have to pay rent for the parking space...of course under the rate of the area.

exactly what she gave you.

Do not give her yoir winnings. If she doesn’t have enough...i guess she can keep her boring husband for a few extra months...🤷🏼‍♀️

I am sorry op. Keep away. She is awful and it won’t get better...

Good luck op 🌺

Don't trust your sister OP,

The only reason that your sister has said that she didn't believe that you were in an abusive relationship is because the only other alternative is to admit that she didn't care that you were.

Look after number one - that's you - and dont trust her!

Erm, re the nephew coming to live with you, the family members I mentioned in my previous post tried that on with me, except it was too much even for me and I said no. I could see it coming a mile off that we'd soon be 'co-tenants' and it would be impossible to get them out, and then they'd manage somehow to get me out. Again, OP, please don't do it. Your sister has lied and schemed to promote her own advantage without a thought for you, and she'd do it again in a heartbeat if she saw some advantage for herself. It's a good bet that if she's asking you for anything, it won't work out well for you.

Do not give her a penny. Do not let her blackmail you. Do not let her make you feel guilty.
Do spend YOUR winnings on you and you alone.

Half! Bloody hell that's a cheeky ask.
I think I would happily give 10% of any lottery win to my sister.
I would also do what I could to help her leave her husband if she needed to.
When she was "helping" you escape your partner she profited from you significantly. I don't think you are much beholden from that.

You certainly do not owe her half your winnings. There may be things you can do to help but she needs to get her ducks in a row - she will eventually get half the marital assets and will end up a lot richer than you once she has got through the unpleasant process of divorce.

This sounds like Reddit bullshit.

I’ve read your update. Your sister is even more awful than I originally thought.

Please don’t give her any of your winnings.

How do you know she wants to leave her husband, perhaps she wants some money from you? The nephew, might just be a way of offloading his costs on the you.

I wouldn't be able to get past her charging me more while lying to me and her husband, basically making money off my vulnerability.
I also agree that while you love your nephew, don't take him in full time. As a mother of a 16 year old, I can't imagine shipping him off to someone else. He only stayed some weekends in other people's houses and only a few times in his life.
I know it's hard when it's your family and it takes a long time to open your eyes, but I get a feeling that your sister is somehow jealous of you. You were a baby when she was a teenager certainly getting more attention than her (my mom's sister was 12 years older and it was visible all the resentment she had towards my mom despite sometimes a seemingly ok relationship, all that until her 80s). Now your sister is in an unhappy marriage (and she contributes to it) while you are young and single. When people are jealous of you, they don't want your happiness. I would take my distances.