For not wanting to share my lottery winnings with my sister after she let me move in with her?

[SarahJP95]

A bit of backstory, I (29f) have been very close to my sister (41f) since our mother passed about 10 years ago. We have always lived quite close to each other but a couple of years ago I moved away to live with my now ex partner, everything was great for about a year until he started to become more and more abusive towards me, I stuck it out though until it started becoming physical in our last year together.

I visited my sister and broke down and told her everything, to this day she's still the only person who knows the full extent of how bad it had been for me. I begged her to let me move in with her and she said I couldn't live in the house since her and her husband were expecting their third child so needed the spare room but I could park my van in their garage and stay in it for as long as I needed.

I was so relieved and started making plans immediately to break up with my partner and get away from him as soon as possible. I pretended I was refurbishing my work van so we could travel in it and he luckily didn't question it, I spent all of my savings converting it so it had a sleeping area, a toilet and a tiny kitchen.

I was about a week away from leaving when I received a phone call from my sister, we hadn't discussed rent yet but I had stupidly assumed from our conversations that I would just be able to pay for the cost of the electricity I would be using and then of course when I was back on my feet and had found a new job I could start paying them a bit more.

She said she had discussed it with her husband and they had come up with a list of rules I had to agree to before I could move in, this included childsitting and petsitting as and when needed (unpaid), helping in the garden and around the house and driving my sister to hospital appointments when her husband couldn't, I would have to provide everything for myself but I could use their shower if I needed to. I agreed to all of it but then she said the rent would be £375 a month as well. I was shocked, I really wasn't expecting it to be so high especially when I had agreed to everything else.

I begged her to give me a bit of leeway for the first couple of months since there was nowhere else I could go, she said it was non negotiable and it was still cheaper than renting a room somewhere else (about £450-£550 in our area), I was desperate and just wanted to be near family so I agreed. This did mean I had to wait an extra 3 months to leave my ex so I could save up enough money and it was honestly the worst 3 months of my life.

I lived with them for about 2 years in the end, I loved being able to see my nieces and nephews everyday but the van was cold and damp and I eventually developed pneumonia so moved out as soon as I had enough money saved for a deposit to rent a flat nearby. I still see my sister but honestly I have become quite resentful towards her which I know is petty since she did let me move in when she could have just said no, but I'm finding it hard to get past what happened.

Fast forward 6 months and I unexpectedly won a bit of money in the lottery, I play a couple times a months but never won anything until now, it wasn't a huge amount but I was so thrilled because it meant along with my savings I had enough to put down a deposit on a one bed flat I had fallen in love with, with a bit left over to fix it up and finally have a proper place of my own.

I hadn't heard from my sister for a couple of weeks but when I told her that I had won some money she started crying and said she wanted to meet up with me. I agreed of course, turns out she's been wanting to leave her husband for a long time but could never afford to move out with 3 kids, I was shocked because they always seemed really close but she has apparently been unhappy for a while. He's not abusive towards her thank god but she has described him as 'boring' in the past and says he never wants to do anything or go anywhere with her.

She's asked if I can give her half of my winnings so she can find a house to rent and pay the deposit on it with enough for the first 6 months or so of rent until she finds a new job, I said I couldn't do that as there wouldn't be enough for the flat I wanted and I have already began talking to a solicitor. I said I could give her the money I was going to use to refurbish the flat but that's it.

This escalated into a huge argument where she called me ungrateful, said she had supported me when I wanted to leave my partner, said I didn't love her or her kids and that if I didn't help her then she never wanted to see me again.

I am honestly so upset about the whole ordeal, the thought of never seeing my nieces and nephews again breaks my heart and I wish there was a way I could help my sister without losing out on buying a home for myself.

Our father and cousins have all contacted me saying I'm being selfish and I need to help my sister out after she helped me, I just don't know what the right thing to do would be. AIBU?

Don’t feel bad about her not telling you- you told her about yours and she didn’t believe you. And she profited off you. I’d say if I were you now there’d be a list fo regular chores + rent for nephew but I won’t do that. And I believed you when you told me personal stuff. I hope you never ever again just decide I’m full of shit. And don’t give her the money for sure.

She didn't help you
She took advantage of you
She used you
She made you stay an extra 3 months with him in an abusive relationship.
That's not sisterly love

I wouldn't have even told her about the win.

No no no! Absolutely not! You couldn't move into her house, you were "offered" a cold dark damp garage and had to pay for the privilege and you also had conditions attached to that too! Make sure you keep every goddam penny!

OP put yourself first, you have a tough old time of it and now you have a good chance of having a better life.
It's a bad idea letting your nephew move in, because if he's being difficult at home you are asking for trouble.

Please don't give your sister any financial help, she's a grifter with no conscience, and I hate to say this but it seems she doesn't like you very much.
Whatever will happen, I wish you all the best.

Yes she helped you out- but with strings attached, she charged you to park in her drive, why should you give her money because she wants to leave a "boring" husband. Leaving a boring husband is very much a choice thing, and not time sensitive- suggest she uses the money you paid her to effect her escape- if it went into join finances why can't she use those? How has she manged to be without money , to the extent she needs to take your winnings?
Also, if you are a woman with children the worse thing you can do is move out- she needs to make him move out, otherwise she is functionally making her children homeless- she tells him "I want a divorce" he moves out, she will get the house until the children are 18 in the settlement, even if he owns it alone- done.

She doesn’t deserve anything. You could charge her the same rent as you paid to stay in your garage, if you have one.

She didnt let you move in, she let you stay in her garage in a van that you got pneumonia in for way above the market rate of living in a garage ( is there a market rate for this?!) she sounds bloody awful! Especially as she made you stay another three months with an abusive partner so she could line her pockets! You need to tell her bluntly- she treated you like shit, I’d never treat a family member like that. Personally I’d cut her off after telling her what for!

This is blackmail. To charge a member of your own family £375 for a damp garage, grudgingly let you use the shower and expect you to nanny the kids and the family pets for no money is exploitation.

And now to expect you to stump up money so she can leave her boring husband is indefensible.

And the other members of your family supporting her over this need to get their noses out of your affairs and support her themselves.

You need to convince yourself that your future is your concern and when you are settled she can live in your garage with her kids and pets (if you have one).

you are not her sole relative and although she did you some sort of favour by letting you have their cold damp garage to live in, you do not have the equivalent to offer her.

She needs to follow the legal process to separate from and ultimately divorce her husband and wait until she has received the appropriate financial settlement for herself and her kids before she can move out and start afresh.

Offer to help her find a family solicitor who can take her through the process and support her by going with her to her appointments.

Also involve the rest of the family in this process and share the load. Perhaps set up a fund with everyone paying in to help her with the legal costs.

But don’t be blackmailed into giving her money just to leave her boring husband because you will never see that money coming back to you.

And if none of them ever want to see you again, well good riddance to bad rubbish, because where were they when you needed them?

Please don’t be fooled by your sister’s lies. Of course she believed your ex was abusive. She’s only telling you she didn’t to make her behaviour seem more acceptable. She treated you appallingly, making money on the back of your misery. Then comes crying to you because her husband ‘is boring and never wants to do anything’ Well boo hoo…tough!

Can you really not see through her OP. She can’t get cash directly off you, but hey “Take my 15 year old instead” Do you know how expensive teenagers are OP? If not you are soon to find out, because you’ll be feeding and clothing him and she’ll let you.

She doesn’t care one bit about you can you not see that? She’s a liar and a leech. She’s jealous of your money snd freedom. Please, do not take your nephew in. This is your time for yourself. Cut this awful sister loose and think of yourself. Let her parent her own child.

Why would someone invent this though

Definitely not, keep your money get your flat, tell her to buy a van and you will let her park it in your parking space for 375 pcm as long as you get access to your nieces and nephews whenever you want. That should be perfect as a reciprocal gesture. Get thst money spent on purchase say it was more expensive and nothing left.

Are you joking!! She charged her own sister £375 to live in a garage plus all the extra rules!! She should be ashamed of herself and maybe this is karma for her abhorrent behaviour towards you

good luck in your new flat go for it don’t even think twice

Tel your sister you'll support her in anyway you can just not with money . But that life has dealt you a crap hand too. Your sis and your relationship is obviously important to you. Yes she might not have acted in the best way but she still tried to help , and whilst it wasn't ideal , it ultimately gave you a way out of a shit situation and her hubby was probably half the issue here imposing those rules .
Offer practical help. Look after the kids , help her get a plan financially in place , cook a meal , be there for her emotionally. I dunno. I'm not an expert but I do know life is short and relationships with family are precious . I'm not saying she acted in the best way. But i guess she did what she was able to do & 'allowed ' to do.

I hope she’s going to give you £375 rent plus food money for your dn (teen boys eat a lot!) and come and clean your flat in exchange. I mean, that’s the least she can do. She should be doing your job as well seeing as you’re going to be doing hers with their 15 year old.

Sounds like your sister is unhappy because they don't have a lot of money. How is leaving her husband going to help that? It will actually make things worse since they will have to maintain two homes. It is not your job to solve her problems, especially financial ones. Think things through and make good decisions when it comes to yourself and your family.

Your sister sounds vile.
Do not give her the money , good luck to you for a happier future x

I'm sorry but your sister sounds like a total cow.
If she loved you as much as she said she did she'd have let you move into the house never mind her bloody garage. You could have had a put me up in the lounge or even the sofa but you'd have been warm.and dry.
And how absolutely DARE she charge you rent ? To stay in a freezing van in her sodding garage?
I'm so flabbergasted that you agreed to this.
And then when she thinks she can just take thousands of pounds off you when you've had a bit of good fortune is even more staggering.
Please...DO NOT feel an ounce of guilt here.
Don't give her anything
You NEED that money for YOUR new home.
I know this is hard to hear but your sister does not deserve you.
Good luck with your new flat ,tell your sister very firmly NO and if she wants to disown you .....fine.
You're better off without " family " like that.

Dont give anyone anything babe. You are NOT being unreasonable. She was happy to lay down ridiculous rules with this "boring husband" so let her stay there. Imagine sitting in a warm living room knowing your sister is yards away in a damp van in the garage, that she is being charged for! She sounds awful. Concentrate on yourself, and once you are sorted in your new place, then you can help others. As for other family members wading in, where were they when you needed a place to live? X

@SarahJP95 I'm so sorry you're being used and abused by your own flesh and blood — it beggars belief.

Just a few things I'd like to clarify if you don't mind...

You said that your sister has been a SOHM for a long time:

"She's been a stay at home mum for a long time"

But then you said she asked you to give her half your winnings for a rental deposit and six months "or so" rent until she finds a new job:

" She asked if I can give her half of my winnings so she can find a house to rent and and pay the deposit on it with enough for the first 6 months or so of rent until she finds a new job"

So I'm confused there...was she a SOHM or was she working? And still working?

You also said she didn't know how much money you'd won on the lottery:

"She didn't know how much money I had won."

But you said she wanted half your winnings — which could have been half of £1,000 or half of £1,000,000 if she didn't know how much you'd won:

"She's asked if I can give her half of my winnings so she can find a house to rent and pay the deposit on it with enough for the first 6 months or so rent until she finds a new job."

So, this is so confusing...what made her think half your winnings would pay for a deposit and six-month's rent on a house? If she didn't know how much you'd won, but wanted half, regardless, how did she work out the sum of half the winnings?

Besides that, when you first asked her for help in your desperation for safety and shelter to get away from your physically violent ex-partner, she made you stay with him for three more months knowing you could have been murdered, and giving you the excuse that she needed the spare room now she was pregnant with baby number three...

Would you have done that to her had the roles been reversed? Of course you wouldn't have. Indeed, a mere stranger wouldn't have risked someone being possibly murdered by their violent partner, they'd have made compromises, even if it meant sleeping on the sofa until they'd kitted out their van.

So, when you asked for urgent help, safety and shelter she made you wait three months on the excuse that she needed the spare room she wasn't even yet using, and now you're moving into a ONE-BEDROOM flat that needs refurbishing, she wants you to take in her 15-year-old son who she's suggested has behavioural problems, meaning either you or he will have to sleep on the sofa. Something she herself refused to you in your hour of need.

As fond as you are of him he'll be an expensive liability and encumbrance. He'll be "under your feet" in cramped conditions, he'll need feeding plus chauffeuring around, you'll have to do all his cooking, washing and ironing, and put up with any disruptions he may cause: untidiness/loud music/raiding the fridge/having mates round/sleeping in till lunchtime like many teenagers do, and on top of all that your weekly food bills plus utilities will soar. He'll also feel he has carte Blanche to do as he pleases without his father and mother around — and if he causes any problems outside or at school your sister will say it's your fault.

I hope you see sense, and I also hope you'll clear up those discrepancies as it's confusing when people say different things to what they once said.

Good luck.

I’ve only read your two posts. You sound like a lovely person and a caring and supportive aunt to your nephew.
As everyone has said, prioritise yourself from now on and hopefully your nephew and nieces can be the glue that helps to salvage any positive relationship with your sister moving forward x

Buy your wee flat - and tell her you will allow her to sleep outside in a van. She will have a list of rules of course and you will charge her £375 a month. Oh and YANBU

Think @bubblesandnibbles is right about your situation being truly awful and literally beggaring belief . Can I just check -
How many nieces and nephews do you have ? You said Baby number 3 was on its way when you "moved in". Now you have multiple nieces and multiple nephews?
You mention you saving up money. If your job is well paid enough to be able to put savings away then why did you live in a damp cold van for 2 years when it was affecting your health ?
You mentioned your dad and cousins getting involved now your sister wants to separate. Why did they not get involved when you were fleeing an abusive relationship and homeless?
Hope it all works out with your nephew in your one bed flat . If you still have your van , could you or him maybe sleep there ? This would give you more space. Good luck.