To ask how you find joy in Christmas?

[TheGrinchIsComingToTown]

A few years ago, I remember Christmas used to feel really special. Even as an adult, it felt so special and exciting, family time was always hard to come by and I loved it.

Three years ago, two weeks before Christmas my gran got diagnosed with terminal cancer. I remember I was at uni, preparing a flat Christmas dinner when I got a call from my mum saying I had to get on a train home then and there. I had to drop everything and go home, and from then it was just caring for my gran. She did four days after Christmas.

From then on family Christmas kind of stopped, I remember that Christmas Day was awful, we went to see my gran who by that point had full time carers with her, and she couldn't remember who we were. We went home for Christmas dinner and just got absolutely wasted because we couldn't cope.

I don't think I ever moved past it and now Christmas just feels flat. It gets to this time of year and I'm just begging for it to be over, my sister has young children so that's nice when we're with them, but apart from that it's just the same old shit but it's cold and dark.

I don't want to be this person, Christmas used to be my favourite time of year and I just want to get some of that joy back. How do you do it?

I don't have children, I'm only 23 😅

It just feels so miserable and empty this time of year now. Like a light has gone out

Christmas is different as an adult. You're still pretty young, so you're probably still adapting to that. I used to love Christmas Eve/Day, but as I got older and lost people, had to work etc, things have changed a lot. I now find joy in the run up to Christmas - work nights out, festive drinks at Starbucks, meeting friends for drinks, decorating my house, watching Christmas films with a posh festive candle on, being able to afford nice things for myself and nice gifts for others... The day is an anticlimax now tbh. This year will be different again as my parents' marriage broke down this year. I've just been abroad for two weeks and plan to spend most of Christmas Day cooking an elaborate but hopefully lovely meal.

I work, I'm working up until the 23rd and then it's just being at home for ten days

Similar, bereavement before Christmas and it's just not been the same since. We have a couple of traditions that we hold on to, one is a walk on Christmas Eve with friends that ends with a couple of pints in the pub, they are people we know well but don't see much and it's something that I love. It's often the best part of Christmas.

We also as a couple always get out first thing for a walk on Christmas Day. Visit the graveyard too.

We do the decorations, presents and dinner. But even 5 years on it's different from before.

Do you have a choice whether to take this much leave? I work in healthcare so this isn't even an option for me, but if you're single, child free and bored, I'd avoid taking two weeks off at this time of year if you can.

At your age Christmas usually isn’t about ‘magic’. My best memories then were nights out with friends singing ‘Fairytale of New York’.

Magic is for children and Santa, social media has us all thinking we should be creating this magical special moments but as adults I always think that’s a bit of a nonsense and I love Christmas !

Grief is a memory. At first it makes you really sad but at some point it turns into a positive feeling.

You just aren't there yet. It took me three years to think of my dad and smile rather than cry. Those that loved us, that we have lost, would never want us feeling sad around Christmas, they'd want us to raise a glass and take joy in the precious moments.

@ThisJollyLimeBird mum and dad, older brother. It just feels a bit naff

I don't have the option to not take the leave, the office is closed

My friends aren't local, but we're also not the clubbing type. We might meet up for a day at some point over the break

I do little things like always having a real Xmas tree as that was my dads tradition

my Nan loved snowball cocktails so I always drink them at Christmas in homage to her

You could volunteer at a charity, for example helping out at an event for the elderly and lonely. I think doing something like this can really take you out of yourself and can be good fun too.

Sorry about your gran… and I hope you have a much better Christmas this year.

Not having the best year this year and I find forcing Christmas is making me more miserable. Maybe try and just aim for fun/ nice times as opposed to ‘Its Christmas!!!’ and things might fall into place. Hugs op x

It will get better. My dad died a couple of days after Christmas - he’d been in hospital for a week. I was 17 at the time. I thought I’d never be able to enjoy Christmas again and indeed the first few were very sad but it did get better.

I’m sorry about your Gran.

I am, in summer when I'm out and about and doing stuff, meeting up with my friends more and having plans. But at this time of year it's just so miserable

Fair enough. Maybe plan a trip next year at this time to break it up? UK city break, or winter sun? If it's in budget. Make the most of your leave.

I don't understand, nobody has mentioned clubbing as far as I can see? Meeting up with friends doesn't have to mean clubbing. Go to a Christmas market, meet for dinner, go to the sales. Anything. Or choose some good books and enjoy two weeks off reading, or watching box sets, or going a run. I'd love two weeks at home to just chill (maybe my own home, tbf). Is part of the problem that you're spending two weeks at your childhood home? Maybe go to your own flat for the second week, if you have your own place.

@ThisJollyLimeBird it just feels a bit, I guess underwhelming? Compared to what we used to do, we'd go and see gran, do the rounds of all our aunts and uncles and when she was on end of life/when she died that all stopped and we all sort of splintered off into little groups. So now it's just waking up, presents, dinner, bed. It feels so different to how it used to

So now it's just waking up, presents, dinner, bed. It feels so different to how it used to

Welcome to adulthood, I'm afraid. I think most/all of us are in the same boat. I'm sorry for your loss, it's tough losing your gran, but maybe add some new traditions? A Christmas walk? The pub for a drink? I dunno, something.

As a young adult there isn’t a lot of magic in Christmas to be honest, or there wasn’t for me. Christmas magic was when I was a child and now I have children. The in between bit was meh. So that’s pretty normal.

I would suggest some counselling for your bereavement though. It sounds like it still plays on your mind more than I’d expect, sounds like some potentially unresolved trauma from caring for your nan up to her death (I experienced the same thing with mum).

But I’m sure Christmas will get better over time.