To ask how you find joy in Christmas?

[TheGrinchIsComingToTown]

A few years ago, I remember Christmas used to feel really special. Even as an adult, it felt so special and exciting, family time was always hard to come by and I loved it.

Three years ago, two weeks before Christmas my gran got diagnosed with terminal cancer. I remember I was at uni, preparing a flat Christmas dinner when I got a call from my mum saying I had to get on a train home then and there. I had to drop everything and go home, and from then it was just caring for my gran. She did four days after Christmas.

From then on family Christmas kind of stopped, I remember that Christmas Day was awful, we went to see my gran who by that point had full time carers with her, and she couldn't remember who we were. We went home for Christmas dinner and just got absolutely wasted because we couldn't cope.

I don't think I ever moved past it and now Christmas just feels flat. It gets to this time of year and I'm just begging for it to be over, my sister has young children so that's nice when we're with them, but apart from that it's just the same old shit but it's cold and dark.

I don't want to be this person, Christmas used to be my favourite time of year and I just want to get some of that joy back. How do you do it?

Just having a week off without my inbox filling up does it for me.

I don't think Christmas is generally as big a deal in your early 20s, even without negative experiences associated with this time of year. All of my friends and siblings used Christmas as an opportunity for a party at that stage. Don't get me wrong, there's still a good time to be had. It obviously depends on family dynamics too. It sounds like you have family at different life stages and when children are in the picture it tends to be centred on them (naturally). I would be tempted to try to get away next Christmas with friends or family to reboot your mindset and associations with this time of year - and because it'll be fun!

My dad found out my mum was having an affair on Christmas Eve when I was a child. There was an almighty row and they subsequently got divorced. As you can imagine Christmas went out the window.

It didn't come back for a long time. I still don't truly enjoy Christmas. I go through the motions for my DD. I don't have any truly happy memories of Christmas so I just get through it each year and breathe a sigh of relief when it's over.

Just go with how you feel. Your family might be feeling exactly the same. If you want to ignore it for a few years, then do! If you want to try some new things to make it different, do that.

Be happy and glad that you had those special times with your grandma and maybe you can recreate some of those special times with family and friends now. And with your own family in years to come.

My DH died suddenly in October one year when my kids were little. That was a very hard Christmas to get through. I don't think I've ever taken the tree down so soon after Christmas Day.
My dad died in the December the year before.
But after that it was fine. I guess Christmas is a lot about nostalgia and I always look forward to it even if it doesn't match my memories (partially as I have to do all the work now). If your gran was a big part of it of course it's not the same.
But you're only 23, so maybe 'adult' Christmas IS a different thing than before, and would be even if she was still alive.

I've ordered this book, thank you

I think it's just a mix of not having anyone to make it special for - the kids aren't our kids and they do stuff with their kittle families, and we just sort of slot in. Really weird feeling for sure

My parents

Our relationship is really good, I have a brother and a sister - my brother is 25 and lived close to us, my sister is 30 and doesn't. If we see my sister on Christmas Day it'll be a short visit to them

Maybe you need to be the one to jolly everyone up. Your mum will be struggling the same at this time of year. You could get involved with prep and use it to “make memories” as they say. My son is around your age and he’s good at suggesting films and arranging games for us to play together.

You are looking for it to be sad... my dad died at christmas. We still have a nice Christmas. We fo things a bit differently now. Meet friends for a drink and a mince pie etc open house at night. Friends and drinks...very relaxed

‘None of us’ as in your family?
I think Christmas as a young adult is a little flat generally to be honest, although I’ve always enjoyed it. At that age it was all about seeing friends really, I’d only spend Christmas Day and Boxing Day with my parents. I was renting a flat on my own at 23 though as I worked an hour away from where my parents lived, so it was nice to go home for a few days.

I remember Christmas's without children feeling dull in my twenties, even without bereavement around that time of year. Once I had children that changed and it's now very special again. But christ was it boring sitting doing nothing as my mum didn't like board games or whatever. The only highlight was the Christmas dinner. Now I have my own family and home I can play all the board games I like and make Christmas special for my own children.

I don't, it's just something to get through.

My mum died 2 days after Christmas

When 11 my dad died a week before Christmas.

I still enjoy Christmas and spending it with my children. I still find it magical.

I do think of those that passed though.

On my own.

My mum died on Christmas day. Many years ago now but it has forever changed Christmas. My advice is to keep your expectations low and keep perspective. A lot of Christmas related stuff is just pleasant things to do to cheer up winter. Nice food, giving and receiving gifts, some fun nights out and get together, seeing towns and houses lit up and looking pretty. It doesn't need to be 'magic', it just needs to be nice. And if you focus on the little things, taking pleasure in what you can, it can be.

No.
It's OK, I'll be fine, it's just one day but I truly hate it.

If you've no children then honestly I'd head off on a holiday.

It's part of growing up - you have to create your own traditions. When I was your age I'd often go away with friends in between Christmas and New Year - hire somewhere cheap or someone would have an empty house. We weren't made partyers but would go walking and bring nice food with us and drink a bit of wine.

Christmas if you don't have kids around or your own little unit is kind of a bit 'meh' I think. It'll change as your life changes.

I agree. I’m a bit baffled at adults looking for the magic of Christmas. That’s for children. The religious aspect of Christmas provides the focal point for us, so it includes Carol services, midnight mass etc. but otherwise you can just enjoy being with family or offer to help others. If you focus on yourself, it’s all just meaningless really.