To ask how you find joy in Christmas?

[TheGrinchIsComingToTown]

A few years ago, I remember Christmas used to feel really special. Even as an adult, it felt so special and exciting, family time was always hard to come by and I loved it.

Three years ago, two weeks before Christmas my gran got diagnosed with terminal cancer. I remember I was at uni, preparing a flat Christmas dinner when I got a call from my mum saying I had to get on a train home then and there. I had to drop everything and go home, and from then it was just caring for my gran. She did four days after Christmas.

From then on family Christmas kind of stopped, I remember that Christmas Day was awful, we went to see my gran who by that point had full time carers with her, and she couldn't remember who we were. We went home for Christmas dinner and just got absolutely wasted because we couldn't cope.

I don't think I ever moved past it and now Christmas just feels flat. It gets to this time of year and I'm just begging for it to be over, my sister has young children so that's nice when we're with them, but apart from that it's just the same old shit but it's cold and dark.

I don't want to be this person, Christmas used to be my favourite time of year and I just want to get some of that joy back. How do you do it?

I honestly don’t know op where the joy is. I’m much older than you though. I had a child by the time I was your age and probably did enjoy Christmas with her and was still having Christmas dinner cooked for me at home. Now I just find it stressful to the point I’m not sleeping. Waking up worrying I haven’t got so and so a present yet. My brother died last Christmas so that’s on my mind too. Christmas songs are making me cry.
Anyway enough of my tale of woe!
I don’t think it’s naff to be with your family though. Can you treat the day like a nice rest and watch some Christmas tv and chill? Arrange to see your friends on the 26th?

Try a carol service at your local church - really uplifting and very special when done by candle light.

cherish those who are still here. Spend time together and share love and friendship.

simple things - nice food , board games, family films, long walk together

giving to others - homemade gifts or decorations, volunteering for charity

I think the ‘magic’ of Christmas is found when you find the love at the centre of it. That doesn’t have to be religious - it is for me as I have faith- but it can be as simple as love being present in spending time and care with other people.

@ThisJollyLimeBird no of course I'm not in a grump, it just feels like we all force this happiness and Christmas feeling when none of us really want to celebrate

It can feel a bit flat and you are at an awkward transition age where you can revert at your parents house and feel like a child with no control of events. But really you need to take some ownership of problem. You can do things with friends or family - you can stay in and make mulled wine and watch cheesy Christmas films. Do jigsaws, play boardgames. You can go for walks and spot other people's lights or go into town for coffee and cake.

Key I think is to think of Christmas as a little step out of the routine and work out what you want the theme of your step out to be so - togetherness - share food, films, games. Peacefulness - read, have luxurious baths, go for walks. Excitement - anything to do with lights, sparkles, Christmas events.

(Warning - many organised Christmas events are truly naff so you have to pick well and/or go determined to enjoy and see the fun)

Also - sorry for your loss. It is hard. I would probably make time to think of your Gran on the day as well.

Sorry to hear of your loss. I went off Christmas for a good few years-teenage into early twenties and I now love it. I think what worked for me was having a few years ‘off’ - I married young and my husband and I had a few holidays abroad around that time and at least one with Christmas Day abroad. With expectations gone, I was then able to start unwittingly build magic by creating a few small traditions, and it went from there. My job means I often work Christmas or the days surrounding, but the whole period feels great as we do lots of bits and bobs that I enjoy. Things like a Christmas jumper (started in my thirties, never looked back!), Christmas earrings coming out on the 1st, buying a new Christmas dec, making Christmas biscuits and sometimes sloe gin or chutney. I often drink port in December but rarely at other times, so it now reminds me of Christmas. Really small and simple things but they all build into triggering memories of nice times. I’m a home bird so these are the things I enjoy at Christmas.

It sounds like you are missing the hustle and bustle of a busy family Christmas. Ten days doing nothing sounds terribly unfun - can you plan a small break with friends so you have something to look forward to? Why not suggest some family meet ups to your immediate family for maybe Boxing Day? And/or perhaps start a few traditions for the day itself? Family walk, board game, drink at the pub, midnight mass followed by sausage rolls? Something different that appeals to you all might refocus you away from what is missing.

The same way I find joy the rest of the year - in the little things.

Im looking forward to sleeping in, going for leisurely walks and seeing the Christmas lights, eating nice food and treats, drinking champagne, being off work, watching movies, reading my book, spending time with my partner, drinking hot chocolate etc.

Maybe think about all the lovely Christmas memories you had with your gran. Some Christmases are just miserable, especially after a bereavement, but it is just another day of the year, so take the pressure off and enjoy the little parts of the day that make you smile!

Between 16 and about 23, a big part of my Christmas was going out with friends, although the day itself was still nice and we always played at least one game. I suppose after that my sister and I had both moved away and the joy of Christmas was returning home and spending time together.

My grandmother died a few weeks before Christmas and we thought about her on the day by raising a glass to her and also having something Christmas-related that was hers on the table. Of course it was different, but she would have wanted us to have a nice day. About 20 years before that, my granddad had died on Christmas night itself, which was a shock, although I was a lot younger and don't remember Christmas being very different after that.

Just think of it like a lazy Sunday! A lie in, a nice big dinner, a walk and a film. It doesn’t need to be “magical”.

As other posters have said, you’re at an in-between stage of being older and no kids in the house for Santa, but not hosting your own Christmas so you’re looking back at old traditions which you’ve outgrown but you aren’t at the stage of starting your own traditions.

I think you need to lower the expectations - you’re a bit old for “magic”. Can you volunteer over the Christmas period? Might help with a bit of perspective?

Talk to your mum and dad - plan something more than you have. Arrange to see your uncles, aunts etc

Don't go home for the full 10 days - meet your friends for a long walk and pub lunch.

I am so sorry for you that this happened when you were still so young. I think maybe for you, try to separate out the two events. Christmas/Yuletide is partly about the cycle of life, turning from darkness towards the light after the Midwinter shortest day.

Maybe take a day to honour your grandma. Death at an old age is natural. Our society treats death like a taboo that is wrong and should be avoided in any way possible, but it isn't.

In your position, I would probably do a little private ritual - light a candle or lay a log fire, get a photo of your gran, and meditate for an hour, celebrating what she taught you, gave you, how she loved you and enriched your lives, the best, funniest, sweetest, most positive memories you have of her. I'd end that hour with a promise to her that you will enjoy life and celebrate Christmas in honour of her.

Then fill the house with light - fairylights and candles, bake something fragrant or brew some spiced coffee or tea. Put on Christmassy music that you love. Make a list of people you truly love and think of a present that you can give them that shows your love to them.

Focus on making your home cosy and inviting and finding a way to spend time with loved one or to show appreciation to loved ones who are far away. And if that works, start to extend the feeling out towards strangers - put some groceries in food bank, buy a toy for children who have nothing, stop and listen to the Sally Army brass bands in the street, go to a carol service.

It doesn't all have to be about partying and spending too much.

noof course I'm not in a grump, it just feels like we all force this happiness and Christmas feeling when none of us really want to celebrate

If you don’t feel like celebrating don’t do it. Enjoy some down time, step away from the usual routine, settle down with a good book and a tipple of your choice. It doesn’t need to be all parties and good cheer, rest, relaxation and reflection are all good too. Christmas as an adult can be whatever you want to make it.

If you’re missing seeing extended family you could arrange to see them for lunch or a coffee. It’s hard when the family composition changes, but you have some agency in deciding what you want for yourself over the holiday period.

Honestly my early 20s were when Christmas and NYE was the least magical and most anticlimactic.
My late teens were ok because most of my friends were still around in my home town (or came back for the holidays), so there was loads of socializing and parties.
As we got older we started to grow apart and fewer people came back (because they had work, stayed with partners or used their leave to travel). It was still nice seeing my family but it’s not that same when everyone is an adult.
It was also a time when I had less flexibility with work and so often had to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing Day so it wasn’t particularly relaxing and I couldn’t always get home to my family.

With grief on top I can totally see why Christmas has lost some of its sparkle.

What I will say is that now I have kids it’s magical (and stressful and exhausting) again. I love doing all the Christmassy stuff with them and my toddler finds the whole thing totally amazing. My parents have also said that they feel like it’s got exciting again now they have grandchildren to choose presents for and do activities with.

I wouldn’t try and force the Christmas spirit. Just do the bits that you enjoy (or do something totally different for a few years).
The traditional Christmas you’ve always done is going to feel different now you’re older (especially with someone missing) but that doesn’t mean things won’t change again in the future and you might rediscover your love of Christmas.

Whilst the memory of loosing your grandmother is fairly recent will be a factor, the main thing is you are transitioning to all adult Christmases, and it's not the same. I won't have my dc (your age) this year and it does feel pretty flat compared to the memories of Christmas past, and I still have my parents though dh has lost both his.

You need to work out a new Christmas routine that suits you, things that make you happy or perhaps you bringing happiness to others. I'm spending the 23rd cooking dinners for vulnerably housed people just out of homelessness and the 24th delivering them to their temporary accommodation (microwaves also been supplied if needed), very different to the excited expectation of Father Christmas visiting of my children's childhood or the game and booze filled Christmas (excluding 2020) more recently. But I feel perhaps the true spirit isn't more cluedo but seeing joy in others

I agree with this. Christmas is like sex - the foreplay is often better than the main event!

I agree with this.
You're still grieving.

We had a death just after Christmas one year.
But this person always loved Christmas, so don't feel guilty about enjoying Christmas.
Getting Christmas presents really isn't that exciting for adults.
Once I had kids all the magic comes back , and now there's grandkids.
As you found being round your sisters children- maybe see about taking them to a pantomime

We have Christmas traditions, because Christmas is what you make it.
Open house Christmas Day - but me and dad are staying home ( eating and drinking)
Boxing Day long walk - late pub lunch.
The usual decs, pick a tree , bung some lights up at the front.
Few yummy lunches out in the run up with very close friends and then a small a gathering in the Saturday between Christmas Day and new year- a chance to see people we haven't seen in a while

I found Christmas as a single adult really hard. I'd Visit my parents but felt out of place, like I'd never graduated to adulthood. My sibling having children helped a bit as we could focus on them but it was still hard. I used to feel very depressed around Christmas.

Now I have a family of my own and the magic is back. It's hectic as visiting relatives is exhausting but it's lovely. I'd also say being part of a church helps, with all the beautiful music and community activities to get involved in.

It's not to say single people without children can't have a great Christmas, it was just a struggle for me.

I understand this.
My dm was the life and sole - we'd visit everyone
Then she died and the whole family seemed to - well just withdraw.
No more visitors/ mum was some how the linch pin.
None of us could carry the mantle.
She really was a warm, lovely woman - probably like your gran.
But eventually things moved on and new tradition came in and new families

I fully get what you mean. We used to have massive Christmas’s whilst grandparents were alive. All pile into my nans house on Christmas Day with all cousins, aunties and uncles. Opening new toys and seeing what films were on the tv, it was really lovely. Once grandparents died, it fizzled out.
I think the politics between my parents and their siblings lead to us not spending future Christmas’s together.
I would maybe see if you can do a little Christmas Eve buffet for you and your family, can you you invite extended family around for Xmas day? Are there any carol concerts you and family could visit in the run up? A grown up panto?

You don't need to find joy or force happiness. It's completely understandable that a bereavement around this time of year will have an impact on how you feel about Christmas. Grief isn't a time-limited thing, nor is it a linear process, so it's coming back every year for you. And yes, the miserable weather doesn't help.

Allow yourself to feel those things, it's OK to. You don't need to feel joy just because everyone else seems to. That feeling of alienation from other people can be jarring but it's OK and you're far from the only person feeling it at this time of year.

But if you want to feel a bit happier, it's about little things and baby steps, not putting any pressure on yourself for joyful festivities. Go for a walk if you want, or stay in and watch a film if you prefer. Meet a friend and talk about anything except Christmas, or stay in and enjoy the solitude. Eat your favourite food. Put on your favourite tunes. Just letting yourself do exactly what you want on a day to day basis will go a long way. Some of those things will end up becoming your Christmas traditions.

Neither DP nor I have good childhood memories of Christmas. We didn't set out to create our own traditions, but have just repeated the things that worked best for us. We go away to the same destination to get some winter warmth. We cook the same (non-traditional) meal every Christmas Day. We see the same friends on Boxing Day for a walk and leftovers. There's no pressure to "do Christmas" - we just do things that make us happy.

If you have to take 10 days off could you perhaps plan to be away - probably too late to do it this year, but in the future this might break up the winter a bit for you as you say it is the time of year, not just Christmas, you find difficult?

Yeah I think next year I'll save for a trip somewhere

you know why Christmas is shit, because it's now the time of year that you experienced the horrible excruciating loss of a loved one. Youre grieving, and that grief overshadows the bright twinkly lights and gifts. I'm not going to tell you it'll get better, because I don't know how close you were, but I would say stop berating yourself, stop forcing it and try to heal the loss and deal with the grief before you can go on to (in a few years) start to view Christmas differently.

A friend of mine died on bonfire night, not the same, but now on the approach, it isn't about planning for fireworks and meat pue, it's his anniversary. Don't be hard on yourself, don't be "why can't I be like these, why don't I enjoy it... you have to heal the loss, one step at a time.

Oh man, I remember feeling very similar in my early/mid 20s - my parents had split up, and all the childhood/family traditions were out of whack.

For me it was not trying to recreate earlier Christmases, but making new traditions that helped - especially with my friends and siblings - that helped.

I always find this book really helpful for dealing with the actual winter and the ‘winters’ of our lives: https://www.waterstones.com/book/wintering/katherine-may/9781846045998 a good read for in front of a cosy fire

Nothing like you had happen happened to me, but Christmas as an adult does still feel a bit flat at times. I get nostalgic for that Christmassy shiver.

So I wonder if you have both things going on: becoming an adult and losing your grandmother and they've got a bit tangled.

All I can suggest is leaning in to the new Christmas. I like the idea of volunteering with something like Christmas lunch organisers. People always say it's a lovely atmosphere and I wonder if being with people who also have a different Christmas with some sadness around might help you cope with the sadness and joy together.

Or embrace the joy of kids at Christmas. We do a junior parkrun dressing up day and sometimes we do treats. Maybe you have a local one doing similar? Take joy from the joy of the kids which does become a larger part of the joy of Christmas as an adult.