To tell him to leave me alone

[Hypnot]

I dated a guy over a year ago, it only lasted about 4 months. It ended over a series of texts. I felt he was pulling away and I told him to finish things if he wasn't interested and gave him his get out - which he took and made an excuse based on nothing very significant. We parted ways, but I never stopped thinking about him. I also felt when we were dating that he wasn't really emotionally available. He's only moved out of his family home 8 months prior to us meeting even though he got his official divorce whilst we were dating.

I've dated other guys in the past for longer, but for some reason he had a bigger impact on me. Anyway over the following 9 months or so we'd text occasionally wishing happy new year, birthday etc. and we started messaging again regularly since early summer, platonically. We went out of drinks late summer, had a lovely evening kissed, he stayed over but i didn't sleep with him because I want more, not a one night stand.

Since then we've remained friends and he's been amazing he's helped me while I've been looking for a new house. I've never done it before and he's been so helpful. He's taken time out of work to meet me for viewings, he's reviewed surveys and been such support. It's been hard for me because although i've been divorced for 7 years, it's been my family/children's home for 20 years. I never ask for help so it's been wonderful knowing he's been there, he made me feel safe. There's huge chemistry and I can tell it's mutual.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago we went our for drinks again and I drank a lot, we kissed it was wonderful. I asked him why we split up and I said jokingly is it because you think i'm chubby and have a big bum. His ex was super fit and I'm a size 10/12, tiny waist and a big(ish) bum... always have had. I did feel self conscious though because I know his ex was fit and slim. For context I'm not fat nor ugly and I get more attention these days than I've ever done before.

Anyway he buried his head in his hands ashamed and said he had a thing about big bums (no liking them) but that's not why he broke up with me. So I said okay so you're not attracted to me and he said he was, he said I was absolutely gorgeous, but he kept his face hidden in his hands. I started phoning for a cab and he asked me not to go. We ended up kissing and I stayed the night and slept with him. I think he said other things to reassure me, but I can't remember as I hadn't eaten much and had drank too much.

The next morning he was really lovely, very affectionate. I had the removal men coming so I had to get home early.

My head was all over the place, after the removal guys left I went back to the empty house - 20 years of memories, children, family, my abusive marriage etc etc I went to a dark place. I started to replay the conversation (I could remember) from the night before. I felt ashamed that I'd slept with him when I wasn't even sure he was attracted to me.

After a day of ignoring him he asked what was the matter and I told him to leave me alone, I wasn't interested in friends with benefits and I had enough to deal with and I wasn't interested in his games. He was shocked and said he didn't know where that had come from and he was sorry thought so badly of him.

I'm away for a week, I don't know where we'll go from here. I loved being friends with him we were building trust, but I feel like it's been ruined now - I wish i'd never slept with him.

I think we could have something special, but I'm hurt by what he said. I want him to reassure me. I feel quite ashamed that i slept with him after what he said. where's my self respect.

I know it's not what you want to hear, and it's also not in line with most of the other posts, but this man doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you. He's happy to have company now and again, and someone to text, and the occasional sex, but that's it. He's getting 'the girlfriend experience' but can cherry pick which bits suit him.

You clearly do want a serious relationship with him and are not able to manage what he can offer without getting upset.

The best thing to do is move on.

You are definitely seeking unhealthy validation and playing with fire, if he's answered you honestly/gently I'm not sure what more you can expect and the response you gave as follow up is giving very unhinged signals.

You don't seem ready for a relationship, you need to be secure enough in yourself before you are able to form healthy relationships and aren't playing teenager games of 'prove you like me' with questions they can't win.

This. You sounds like a cliche, sorry. Extremely high maintenance blowing hot and cold. You’ve had a go at him after sleeping with him over something that happened before - he probably assumed you were over it if you shagged him. Then you decide after a while what you do remember - you admitted it’s hazy bc you’d drunk - you are offended by, had a go at him after saying he’d been lovely and affectionate and helped you out with your moving, or offered to, and now say he’s got to make it up to you and make you feel better - what?!!

Why on earth would he want to if this is the way you treat him. You basically regret ‘ruining’ your friendship and have chosen to be an arsehole to him about it bc you’re angry at yourself.

I doubt he’ll want anything more to do with you, and who could blame him?

Time to calm down. When he contacts you next, say you'd like dinner / pub / cinema... whatever you fancy doing. Treat it as starting again; hang out, decide whether YOU like him, or not. Stop worrying about how he feels. If he wants to be with you, then he's there, if he doesn't want to be then he can find the exit by himself.

Yeah, as pp have said, I think you may have gotten yourself into a state and he's confused.

Many men are terrible but he seems alright. He's helped you move and with the stress of it all. He's slept with you. I don't think he'd be this involved if he was just after sex or wanted to waste some time.

I'm confused about the big bum thing? Was he saying he took the out because he hated your bum?! That's an odd thing to say tbh

I think that when he invites you out again, ask him in all seriousness what he wants. And then go from there x

I'm confused too - YOU say you've got a big bum so why are you so upset that he thinks so too?

He obviously fancies you irrespective of the arse, so I think you owe him an apology and a hassle-free friendly drink/meal.

Thanks for all your replies.

He definitely didn't like big bums and I do believe that he's ashamed of this view and realises how shallow this was - hence him hiding his face. This is when we dated the first time. He only admitted this the other day. but it makes sense to me as i felt when we were first dating that something felt off. I'm not an insecure person, but I felt insecure with him. I wasn't sure if it was my weight or because he wasn't emotionally available or I was being silly. when he said it the other night I realised my instinct (when we first dated) was correct.

since then we have both come a long way. We have a friendship and he's been lovely. I felt there was potential for a committed, respectful relationship. There's huge connection.

Unfortunately when he admitted the other night about his previous issue with weight/my bum it confirmed my previous insecurities. I think it would have been okay and I probably would have spoken to him about it afterwards, when I was sober the next time we met. Unfortunately, our conversation/sleeping together coincided with a huge traumatic period in my life. Literally the next day I had my whole house (of 20 years) emptied. I'd been fine packing etc. but I really didn't realise how it would hit me coming back to an empty house and seeing my children's rooms empty - I went to a very dark place. I messaged him saying how I wasn't prepared for it, but clearly he wouldn't have realised just how bad i felt. He messaged "just think about the new house" no kiss at at that moment I spiralled. all my insecurities from when we first dated came back.

Despite what you think - I'm not usually high maintenance, I'm really easy going but the combination of liking him so much and feeling insecure turned me into a loon!

We have to see each other sooner or later as I left my coat at his. so we will speak. a couple of days later I did text him to apologise. I said he knew me well enough to know if was out of character. He knows I was under a lot of pressure. I said I appreciated all his support over the last few months with the house, how he made me feel safe and I couldn't remember the last time I felt like that, how I never stopped thinking of him after our split etc i was really open and honest. He responded saying it was fine and he was surprised and that he'd return my coat and we'd talk. it's been nearly two weeks now as I've been away.

I'm leaving it now. I think the ball is in his court, he can tell me how he feels and we can move on together or not.

In the meantime I am going to get some help to reflect on my self esteem and confidence.