To feel like such a failure over my son's GCSEs?

[Penguinface]

On track to fail every single one. Got a 3 in his mocks for his favourite subject.

I can't get through to him on the need to work and put some effort in. He just doesn't seem to care (if it's just bravado, it's very convincing).

He's possibly dyslexic but hasn't got an official diagnosis.

I feel like I'm bullying him to do schoolwork that he maybe actually can't do. Then I think I've got to make him do it for the sake of his future.

I don't know what to do.

What does he want to do after?

A few kids I went to school with were not at all academic but have gone on to run businesses, trades and one has even won several awards for being outstanding in his field. A fish will spend its life thinking its stupid if its judged on its ability to climb a tree.

The action I would take would depend on his 5 and 10 year goals.

If he wants to go to uni to study with his mates, he obviously needs a bloody good shake. If he wants to be an apprentice bricklayer, I'd care far less about the results. The important thing is that he needs some kind of plan if henisnt generally pulling good grades because he doesn't have the luxury of deciding later because poor grades will limit his choices - so it's important for him to want to do something from that more limited pool.

I agree with other posters talk to the school but more importantly talk to your ds.
3 of mine were super high achiever's academically and worked for this too
Dd 4 is in same year as your son and unlikely to pass any subject so was a massive shock but we've got an official ASD diagnosis and she has extra time and quieter room and a reader now.
You must have had some insight into his academic expectations or grades beige now ?
Seriously though in this day and age please encourage him whatever and praise him to just be his best self. It will be hard enough for him at this time with being a teen and not doing particularly well at school . He may be doing his absolute best to just get to school or turn up. When he gets home he may just need to practice self care and that's okay .
He will be even more aware than you are of his academic status. He's possibly feeling even worse than you because he feels he's letting you down
With the mental health crisis and the pressure on our teens your priority is open and honest supportive communication.
Thinking of you and hope your okay

Can only agree with others that the focus needs to be on what he wants to do in the future and what he needs to do now to achieve that. Even if what he wants to do is ‘not take resits’ that could be the necessary motivation to put some effort in for maths and English at least.

From other replies it seems like it might not be too late to get a dyslexia assessment if you go private.

The time to say he has dyslexia or whatever to blame on his performance has gone. You could try getting him a tutor but if he's not interested, I wouldn't stress him out. Just be there for him.

I also think you should ask him what he wants to do with his life/what his plans are.

Not everyone is academic and they do very well in life.
Maybe he would prefer a trade?

Everyone, thank you so much 💓 I was lying awake for hours worrying last night and I hoped I'd find some kindness and support here and I'm really grateful.

To sum up a few answers, my DS is a wonderful conundrum! He loves reading manga and has asked for books for Christmas so this is why we never suspected dyslexia. School have given him a computer reader but never took it further or really briefed us on why.

We think he's quite bright but he isn't really trying because I think he's given up. We have got him a tutor for English as he speaks beautifully but can't write it down! She is also working on his confidence.

He is most likely going to do an apprenticeship so needs 4 4s for the best one.

We're going to follow your advice, focus on English and Maths, try the incentives and keep supporting him.

Thank you so much for your help, it means a lot and is appreciated xxx

I would get him assessed for dyslexia as soon as possible. Relatively small adjustments could make a lot of difference. The posters suggesting it is too late are clueless.

He loves reading manga and has asked for books for Christmas so this is why we never suspected dyslexia.

This was the same for my daughter. In her dyslexia assessment her reading and writing skills were normal, but her working memory and processing speeds were well below average, which is why she was struggling across the board, as they affect all subjects. It was actually a comment by her English teacher that she could verbalise what she was thinking really well but couldn’t seem to translate that to paper which made me decide to push forward with the assessment.

I’d definitely ask for the screening, it takes about an hour and there isn’t usually a waiting list for that, and then you can decide whether to get him tested based on the outcome of the screening. It’s not just about getting him help right now, it’s a diagnosis that could help him for the rest of his life, so never too late! As pp said both my dyslexic girls found the diagnosis really helpful in terms of them understanding why they struggle in certain areas and it’s not that they’re ‘thick’. Even if he’s not dyslexic it would be useful to rule it out.

@wombat15

Perhaps the posters you so easily dismissed as clueless have actual lived experience!

This. The only person they affect is your son, so you need to support him to understand the implications and then come up with a strategy that works for him.

Tell me you don’t understand neurodivergence without telling me you don’t understand neurodivergence.

Has he been assessed by an OT yet?

DS has dysgraphia but was seen four months after being added to the waiting list. He got his additional needs arrangements drawn up for his exams. Extra time and ICT support. Without the OT report to confirm he needed extra time there's no way he would have passed all his exams.

@Vettrianofan can I ask if this is a UK option please?
How do you initiate this please ?

I am in UK, and as far as I know, it should be fairly straightforward to arrange. I just looked at the NHS local health board for my area website and searched for OT services for children and there was an option to self refer.

Is it possible he got that low grades because it's mocks and he did not give a fuck?

For OT you either access via gp referral or find one privately, although they do not assess dyslexia/dyscalculia, but may offer strategies fir self organisation and the physical difficulties such as writing fatigue and processing. You need an Ed Psych or high level SENDCO for a diagnosis and to apply for extra time etc to JCQ and for it to be evidenced as a normal way of working.

Maybe doing badly in his mocks will give him the incentive to improve? I must admit I didn't put any effort into my mocks as they were 'just mocks' but I stepped up several gears before the actual exams and did fine. My son took the same view (although I didn't tell him that's what I'd done!) and exceeded all expectations in his GCSEs. It's not too late for your son to turn things around with support and encouragement.

The "he speaks beautifully, but can't get it on paper" is what finally got a teacher to listen to me about DS - his verbal work was way ahead of his written work. Get school to, urgently, assess him for support in exams. You don't need an official diagnosis (in England anyway) to get laptops/extra time / readers/ scribes for GCSE's.

And then, yes, focus on maths, English, and maybe his favourite subjects, and see if you can get those to grade 4s.

Get into school now and ask about access arrangements. His standardised test scores for maths and English over the high school years should shown if he has an issue ie below average.

If you can afford get him tested for dyslexia ASAP.

Make a plan with him that if gcse don't work out that he has a path to follow and routes he can choose. There's courses in maths and English at college that only require pass or fail.

I find bbc bitesize quite good and corbett maths - though might be more ni based

Get him to relevant watch you tube clips to revise and listen to good revision podcasts.

Record his revision so he can listen to it.

My son was clever but very lazy - we got an Oxford student tutor in for physics and maths - the 2 he struggled in most and ended up with 2As, 3Bss ( including the physics and maths) and 3Cs and only 1d - we lived in Oxford at the time which was handy. He seemed to flourish with a one to one. He went into an apprenticeship in Tech - which was one of his As - and has worked in tech ever since- good at the job, hated schoolwork

However this won't get round the fact if he's dyslexic so I would get this formally assessed asap

I do exam invigilating and exclusively with the children who need exam access arrangements. I would recommend talking to the SENCO asap. Go private if you need for a dyslexia assessment. See what arrangements he might need- computer reader as you said- does he still have this? Ask your SENCO if they think he needs exam access arrangements and what evidence she / you can put together for the exam boards which will allow it.

As an example of what I do for the students who need it;

• read the questions to them
• have the students dictate their answers which I write down
• both
• they might have different coloured paper depending on their needs (commonly blue, off white or yellow)
• colour identifying for children who might be colour blind and who have to identify colours in- for example- geography

There are also certain computer programmes which the students can utilise where questions are read to them for example.

Good luck!

@SilverBlueRabbit what a worthwhile and interesting role!!

Try to get him assessed for dysgraphia as well as dyslexia - the inability to convert his speech/thoughts into written form really jumped out at me. He might be able to get a scribe for his exams.

Lots of good advice here but I just wanted to chip in to say you’re not the only one. I have a child like this and sometimes it feels so lonely because there is literally no one else we know in the same boat. I lie awake at night as well.

My son was exactly the same and those GCSE years ruined our relationship for some time. He then actually got given his GCSE results as it was 2020 and he was given a '3' in all subjects....considering they were supposed to be inflated I dread to think what he would have got if he'd actually sat them

I can't offer you any advice, only sympathy. What I can offer you is hope though, as he got an apprenticeship and 4 years later earns more than me (I have 2 degrees and a Masters 🙄)

Honestly OP don’t worry about it

Im now 52 and from what I’ve seen the most successful people - personally and professionally- really weren’t necessarily the most academic at school !

I was thinking about this tbh this very morning before I read your thread !

I know someone who was VERY VERY academic high achiever but on a personal level she is a very sad bitter person in adulthood with virtually no good relationships etc etc