Paying for Bridesmaids

[wantnoscrubs]

I understand keeping to a wedding budget is important and not spending too lavishly if it's outside of your means, but I've been asked to be a bridesmaid by three friends next year, whom I love dearly, and I've been asked to buy my dress for every single wedding.
They have said I can choice my dress but it has to be X colour.

I got married two years ago and had them as bridesmaids, paid for their dresses, hair and MU. I feel like if you ask someone to be a BM this is a cost you should take on? Especially as there is a cost involved already in being BM with hen dos and travel/ hotels.

They don't know I feel this way and I won't tell them cause I don't want to hurt their feelings.
AIBU?

I paid for everything for my bridesmaids except shoes I think. Dresses, jewellery, hair, make up, the night before in the hotel. Got them all bags that had pj's, the jewellery, thank you card, glass for the night before in, face masks etc. That was almost 11 years ago so maybe things have changed but I've not heard of it.

I don't know if its normal but I think its bloody cheeky. (Unless it is so relaxed you can choose a dress you do or might already own). Let's be real, being a bridesmaid is not some kind of treat for you, you are doing it to support your friend and give them the wedding they want, you are basically there as decoration and the couple should pay for the decor they want the same as they are paying for the tablecloths. Its not like you are likely to be able to wear it again?

Honestly it's ridiculous I don't get why your friend getting married means you have to pay for more things. It really bugs me it's my opinion that if you ask someone to be a bridesmaid then you pay for everything, dress, hair and make up, accommodation costs. The only thing I would expect from them is to reserve a day or 2 annual leave for the event and their time.

This!!

Decline now. These 'friends' want you to subsidise their weddings. If they can't afford bridesmaids, don't have bridesmaids. Or decide that having friends stand beside you at your wedding is more important than some table centre or a particular flower or a photo booth.

You could decline? I did, the third time I was asked, could not be arsed 😂

Problem is you’d potentially need to decline three times, which is a bit awkward. Do you want to do some/all? Are you close enough to any of the brides that it’d be a big deal if you said you can’t manage?

If you want to do it I’d be inclined to just buy three bargain dresses, Quiz sale or go on Vinted or whatever. If you’re paying I’m guessing you get to choose where it comes from and how much you pay? What are the colours? Are they ‘your’ colours?

Admittedly it all feels like a cheek and a waste of your cash but I don’t know how you get round it unless you get creative with the budget or come clean to all three brides. Depends what your relationship is like.

Everything OP have said I agree with, the norm should be the bride pays for bridesmaid dresses, it is not unreasonable in the UK. I paid for dresses, shoes and make up hair etc. but this was 1995 That said, if you find yourself at a complete impasse, and it is a genuine "wear what you want as long as it is navy blue" then there are so many dresses going on Vinted that would suit the occasion. I have just done a search on bridesmaid dresses and found 500+ navy blue dresses sized 12 for £1 to £20. Some of them are really lovely, have clearly only been worn once, and they cost less than a drink at the local. Own hair and make up, and own shoes (comfortable ones at that) and no hurting of anyone's feelings required. Plus the nice thing of recycling. I'd agree it is not cost free, but it isn't much, certainly not much to fall out over. I am new to vinted, and have only done about 20 purchases, but I have been really delighted with 90% and probably 100% (for the price). Hope this helps xx

Alternative!

(Just read your OP again and yeah you do want to do it so that was all pointless sorry)

Post measurements and colours and see if anyone will donate their pointless bridesmaid dress. If you’re pretty tall, size 14 and want a pale green Coast monstrosity with boning that’ll shave the sides off your tits hmu🤙

Wedding protocol says Bridesmaids pay for their own dress.

I thick there's room for a compromise, that's what I did.

I paid for the dress because I wanted a specific one that worked on everyone (only 3!) But didn't insist on professional hair/makeup or specifically shoes so they paid for those themselves if they wanted it done/ new shoes.

It could be worse OP I was a bridesmaid and had to pay for the dress myself and it was the most vile purple monstrosity you have ever seen. We had zero say in the matter!

In the UK?
I don't think so.

Just decline. It's mean. If they can't afford what they want they need to think again. And not expect other folk to subsidise them.

Not in the UK.

I get married soon and I’m paying for the dresses, makeup, hair and alterations! Wouldn’t dream of asking them to cover the costs. If i couldn’t afford that I simple wouldn’t be having bridesmaids.

Where are you reading this ?

It certainly isn't the expectation or tradition in the UK.

I think you also have to add in to the OP's particular situation, that she paid for their costs when they were her bridesmaids.

I agree with this

Agreed. Bride pays for the dress, if they don't want to then you should be able to wear whatever you want and not be required to buy something new.

Are they random colours so that you couldn't use one you already have or do they have to be traditional bridesmaid style? I do think it's unreasonable to expect you to buy a new bridesmaid dress to be in the wedding party, weddings are becoming so expensive though I also don't think it's unreasonable to ask if they truly can't afford it and they really want you to be their bridesmaid.

I'm getting married next year and am on a tight budget. I have a really solid group of friends and they have children, then I have my nieces and my own children, I'd really like them all in my wedding party as they are all very special to me. My plan is to buy traditional flower girl dresses for the little ones then pick a pretty bog standard colour (possibly black to make it easy and stand apart from other guests) then I'll ask my friends to all wear the same colour dresses, I don't mind if they are new or not, or what style.

@mjdle if they have to buy new ones who will be paying for them?

Stop being a chump and tell then you can’t afford to buy dresses so they either provide a dress or choose someone else to be bridesmaid.

It’s so rude. The bride pays and that’s the end of it.

No one, they don't have to buy anything. Why would anyone make anyone spend money they can't afford? (Bride or bridesmaid)

I'd love them all in my wedding party, and their girls, but I can't afford to buy dresses for everyone, so if they don't have a black dress (unlikely) and they can't afford or don't want to buy one, then I understand, and I'll try and make something else work like wear trousers instead or something. I personally think when it comes down to spending loads money it detracts from the true meaning of being in someone's wedding party. For me it's about making the people I love part of my day, not about what they are wearing. Don't get me wrong, it's personal choice and if someone wants to and can afford it that's great too.

Bride pays for dress and anything else that they specifically want you to wear. This may include shoes, makeup, hair and accessories. Unless they aren’t bothered and you already have stuff to wear. If you can’t afford bridesmaids/don’t want the cost then don’t have them or budget better elsewhere.

I was asked to be bridesmaid for my DB and future SIL. She was having a bespoke hand made wedding dress with bridesmaids dresses to match. I was asked to buy specific shoes (that I would never wear again). I agreed even though I couldn't afford it. I went to several dress fittings. After the last fitting I was only then told I was to pay for my bridesmaid dress. It was very bridal looking and one that could never be worn again. I was absolutely gobsmacked. I couldn't afford it. The bride and her parents (who were paying for the whole wedding could pay, but they chose not to). In addition I wasn't even seated on the top table with the rest of the wedding party. I was the only one to be seated elsewhere. This was more than 30 years ago and definitely not the done thing.

@ILoveMyCaravan that is so out of order, you must have been furious!