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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for Bridesmaids

101 replies

wantnoscrubs · 11/12/2024 20:38

I understand keeping to a wedding budget is important and not spending too lavishly if it's outside of your means, but I've been asked to be a bridesmaid by three friends next year, whom I love dearly, and I've been asked to buy my dress for every single wedding.
They have said I can choice my dress but it has to be X colour.

I got married two years ago and had them as bridesmaids, paid for their dresses, hair and MU. I feel like if you ask someone to be a BM this is a cost you should take on? Especially as there is a cost involved already in being BM with hen dos and travel/ hotels.

They don't know I feel this way and I won't tell them cause I don't want to hurt their feelings.
AIBU?

OP posts:
RickiRaccoon · 16/12/2024 18:28

Bride should pay but it is becoming more common for bridesmaids to pay themselves. It's cheap and unfair to make the bridal party pay huge added amounts to be at your wedding.

Cosyblankets · 16/12/2024 18:29

I paid for dresses, hair, make up, nails and bought them jewellery as a gift

Mirabai · 16/12/2024 18:31

Bride pays for dresses. Bridesmaids are doing you a massive favour.

This bride, like many nowadays, just wants a wedding she can’t afford.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/12/2024 18:36

wantnoscrubs · 11/12/2024 20:44

Tbf I did also pay for my bridesmaids accommodation - I think I'm a chump!

I'm just surprised all three have asked this. They aren't friends with each other so haven't followed each others lead.

I feel like it's becoming the norm?

You did the right thing, they are being rude. You have every right to say 'sorry I can't afford to buy new things for this. I'd love to support you on the morning and help you get ready if you'd like that but i won't be able to get the bridesmaid clothes'

OR

To be cheeky - if you are similar sizes -
'I can't afford a new dress but please can I borrow the one you wore to my wedding if you still have it? Just my style and i think it's gorgeous'

AnnieRegent · 16/12/2024 18:41

If you’re all British I think that’s outrageous!

I’m engaged and spend time on wedding forums and, as others have said, bride pays in the UK and bridesmaids pay in the US.

What does seem to be becoming more popular in the US is bridesmaids choosing their own dresses within a certain colour palette, as a sop to the fact that they have to pay for it themselves.

So I wonder if your friends have all picked up a message from American social media or wherever that the new rule is “if bridesmaids pay for their own dress they get to choose it”, or even that bridesmaids choosing their own is what the Cool Brides do. Which is an improvement on what the situation is in the US, but a worsening of the situation for the UK. (Personally I think that even if a bride is only setting a colour palette, she should still pay for the dresses etc.)

For what it’s worth, on the wedding forums, the Brits always say the bride should pay. Which is why I wonder that your friends are getting their info from US sources… maybe Instagram or TikTok.

I’ll be honest, I hope this isn’t part of a broader trend of British weddings just starting to mindlessly import American traditions like so much else in life!

Daisymae55 · 16/12/2024 18:48

At the very least the bride pays for bridesmaid dress surely? When I got married I paid for my bridesmaids dresses, shoes and hair accessories. I said they could do what they wanted for hair and makeup (I also did my own hair and makeup). I also bought them all a gift and I had a hen do at my parents house (it was summer and they have the most incredible garden) so they had zero costs for hen do.

I was recently a bridesmaid and the bride paid for my dress and for my hair to be done professionally. She said we could wear any shoes and accessories so I bought a pair of shoes reduced in sales and wore jewellery I had.

The way I see it, anything that is requested by the bride (including shoes, make up, hair, etc and including dress even if it “you can choose but it has to be X colour) should be covered by the bride

Sassybooklover · 16/12/2024 18:48

When I got married, I had 2 bridesmaids. I paid for their dresses, shoes, hair and makeup. I wouldn't have asked them, if I couldn't have afforded to pay for those items. The jewellery they wore on the day, was purchased as bridesmaids gifts too.

Heidi2018 · 16/12/2024 18:52

Mirabai · 16/12/2024 18:31

Bride pays for dresses. Bridesmaids are doing you a massive favour.

This bride, like many nowadays, just wants a wedding she can’t afford.

I think brides need to look at having smaller bridal parties if they can't afford to pay for their bridesmaids!

But I will say the cost of weddings has increased significantly in the past few years. I was bridesmaid 7 years ago, if that couple were to have the exact same day again it would cost them more than double what they paid then. It's not necessarily that the bride wants an "insta worth" wedding with lots of extras!

bouncydog · 16/12/2024 18:53

When DD got married, we paid for everything for the bridesmaids, apart from their shoes. They also received thank you gifts each including robes and goody bags! I would say no as its cheeky to ask you to pay for a dress you will never wear again!

NZDreaming · 16/12/2024 18:53

Sampler · 11/12/2024 21:03

I think the ‘American’ way is creeping in - from what I’ve seen - the bridesmaids pay for their dresses.
I think it’s tight and unfair of them especially as you bought theirs.

This is correct @wantnoscrubs and the main reason a lot of American brides have such large bridal parties, they don’t pay for them! In the UK it’s traditional for the bride to pay for anything they dictate is required for the bridesmaids and usually the same for the groom and groomsmen. The increasing costs of weddings as well as people’s expectations of what they can achieve with their budget no doubt are encouraging a trend towards not covering costs where you can get away with it.

Obviously culture and norms change over time and the influence from other countries have an impact eg changing from bride being followed by bridesmaids down the aisle to bridesmaids going first.

Much like a wedding invitation isn’t a summons, a request to be a bridesmaid is just that, you can say no. Attending as a guest can be expensive, you have every right to decline the additional expense that would go with being a bridesmaid too.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 16/12/2024 18:55

I was a bm and paid for my own dress. My bm’s didn’t.

MayaPinion · 16/12/2024 18:58

Nope. I paid for bridesmaids dress, shoes, hair, make up, and jewelry. If they want a look they pay for a look.

SympatheticCrooner · 16/12/2024 19:09

Just when you thought wedding trends couldn't become anymore tacky, bridezillian and lacking in grace, what with dictated wedding lists, expectations that guests hop countries at their own expense, that people leave their breast feeding babies or kids behind to attend, we now have...paying for your own bridesmaid dresses, accessories and associated costs too!

I'd wear the same dress to all weddings in that case, though that's small compensation as a nice dress (especially if it's an off-season colour, magenta or champagne silver anyone?) is likely to cost a fair wack.

YANBU.

Mirabai · 16/12/2024 19:42

Heidi2018 · 16/12/2024 18:52

I think brides need to look at having smaller bridal parties if they can't afford to pay for their bridesmaids!

But I will say the cost of weddings has increased significantly in the past few years. I was bridesmaid 7 years ago, if that couple were to have the exact same day again it would cost them more than double what they paid then. It's not necessarily that the bride wants an "insta worth" wedding with lots of extras!

Show quote history

The cost of everything has increased in 7 years. People are buying cheaper food, smaller houses, more value holidays - no reason weddings shouldn’t be included.

Bollocksmorelike · 16/12/2024 19:43

They should be paying, especially as you paid when it was your wedding!!
I would be inclined to say something like “Can you have a look at the label in the dress I bought you for my wedding, to remind me where it was from. It’s a lovely dress isn’t it, so maybe I will try to find that shop again”.
Just a gentle reminder that they are not being fair, see how they reply.

MILLYmo0se · 16/12/2024 19:52

God I wouldn't ask anyone to pay for their dress regardless but to ask this of someone how covered all your costs at their own wedding?! That's prime CF territory behaviour!!
I'd go as a guest tbh

hopelessholly1 · 16/12/2024 19:55

bride pays. I would just turn down the BM role if it's too £££.

coupebaby · 16/12/2024 22:08

strawberry2017 · 11/12/2024 21:16

Politely decline and save yourself the money now.

She’s still going to be attending all 3 weddings and buying herself an outfit for each though so won’t be saving anything but it’s totally wrong to ask the bridesmaids to pay for their own dress, you ask them to be by your side, you bloody well pay for it. Absolute scavengers the lot of them

MumChp · 16/12/2024 22:10

The bride pays the bridemaids dresses if she wants a design/colour.
If not my answer is: no, thank you.

RampantIvy · 16/12/2024 22:33

and buying herself an outfit for each

Not necessarily. I wouldn't.

mitogoshigg · 16/12/2024 22:43

Bride pays unless it's a case of wear whatever you like (ie a normal wedding guest outfit)

NewName24 · 16/12/2024 23:35

She’s still going to be attending all 3 weddings and buying herself an outfit for each though so won’t be saving anything

Not necessarily.
I wouldn't buy a new outfit for each wedding. OP says the 3 brides aren't friends.

But even if some people do, there is a world of difference between you buying yourself a dress (which might well be in the sale, or from Vinted / E-bay / charity shop) that you are likely to wear again, but will certainly suit you and make you feel good, and having to pay for something you wouldn't normally wear, and potentially don't even like.

sofasofa42 · 16/12/2024 23:38

A bride pays for dresses. I couldn't afford to buy my bridesmaids dresses . They came looking lovely and were given a bunch of flowers . I was a bridesmaid to my bestie and she bought me something ok on ASOS for 20£. We all looked fine. Would never wear it again, but we looked fine. Wasn't my day to shine.
Brides these days are getting weird.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 16/12/2024 23:39

I paid for dress, hair and make up and bought earrings as a gift which was worn on the day.
I don't think hair and make up is a given if you're ok for them to either not wear it or do their own however they like (I was but I only had a MOH and a flower girl , so wanted MOH with me in hair and make up!). I've had at least my dress bought for me every time I've been a bridesmaid. I do know someone who is getting married next year, having 10 bridesmaids plus flower girls and not paying for any dresses. You shouldn't choose so many if you can't afford it!

Mince3141 · 16/12/2024 23:55

Interesting reading these replies. Personally I think if the bride chooses the dress or makes the requirements too restrictive she should pay. If it's just a 'wear something blue' then the bridesmaid can pay as she's getting to pick something to her taste and budget. Especially these days with vinted and eBay it's not too hard to find something cheap, and then resell after.

Wonder if it's an age thing?