AIBU to think views expressed on Mumsnet are at odds with my experiences of the real world?

[RealWorldxo]

I am avoiding quoting specific threads as I know it is against the rules. However, I have seen a number of threads where the OP has been disappointed that certain friends have not shown any interest in their significant life events. Having a baby, buying first house by way of an example. The overwhelming concensus of replies to these type of posts seem to be that you cannot expect anyone apart from immediate family to care about your significant life events. People apparently have their own stuff going on and are crazily busy. To expect any level of interest is entitled, needy and demanding behaviour.
This genuinely surprises me. I would definitely be interested in things going on in my friend's lives as I care about them and want to see them happy. If I didn't, I would only class them as acquaintances. Even if they have stuff going on that I have no experience of, I would still express interest because I know these things are important in their lives.
I can't help wondering if a lot of people on MN would not be very rewarding as friends as they would only engage with topics of conversation are relevant to them?

I think it’s the internet generally to be honest. There’s always a dichotomy between online life and real life.

I think most people are generally interested in the things going on in the lives of family/friends.

But at any given moment, you can't expect a given friend to be interested in something in particular. They might have something going on in their life that precludes this and you should cut them some slack. If they are never interested in anything you do, and this bothers you, then they should probably be an ex-friend.

I think you get a better idea on line of the full range of personalities and experiences. In real life we only truly know a handful of people and naturally tend to prefer the company of people we have things in common with. plus in real life you've got to follow the social interaction rules of being diplomatic whereas online lets you see what people really think.

So yes, what you read on mumsnet may very well be at odds with your experience of real life because your experience is a tiny slice whereas mn is a massive 6 tiered cake, iyswim.

I've learned a lot from here about how people can be. It's been eye opening and has given me a much better understanding of people I think.

I think a lot of people on here don't like people much in real life. I guess it's probably not surprising. The majority opinion online is that weddings and parties are awful inconveniences, nobody should ever come to anybody's door, and there's no value in chatting or 'small talk' with people at school and nobody wants to make friends at work.

All forums are an echo chamber. They don't reflect real life.

I would disagree with that. I think they reveal what's lurking underneath the socially acceptable face of 'real life'

The internet amplifies the voices of the strange.

My friends and I are fascinated by each other's life events, daily lives, family lives, working lives, what we are each watching/ reading/ listening to and thoughts about current events! This is a massive part of friendship to me- we share the ins and outs of so much and love getting updates, discussing and advising. A lot of friendship for me is enjoying life's journey together and supporting, commiserating and cheering each other on. I remember some of the threads I think you mean and I found them sad and weird too.

Another thing is that if you express any criticism of a friend's behaviour, you get replies suggesting that you can't truly like them. In the real world, it is rare for anyone to be 100% perfect. Having a beef with one aspect of a friend's behaviour doesn't mean you secretly hate them. Many relationships have some degree of compromise or acceptance of less preferred characteristics. It just means you decide whether the good outweighs the less good to make it a worthwhile friendship.

Don’t ever discount @RealWorldxo the carefully practised cognitive dissonance of Mumsnet and AIBU

it goes like this;

If you say something which 90% of regular folk would agree with in real life, then on AIBU the first few responders will deliberately target the diametric opposite to goad you

Example:

”My SIL refuses to care for DH’s ill parent despite having a great relationship with her. not working , having no kids, and it being her mum too”.

Mumsnet

“YABU, she will have her reasons”
”Why don’t you just get on with it. It’s her business”
”You sound very invested”

etc..

all designed to make the OP feel tiny and petty for even asking

Don’t take everything you see here as a yardstick. A lot of people just like baiting OPs.

MN really skews towards the misanthropic end of the spectrum.

I'm inclined to agree although so many of these posts are complaining that their 'friends' haven't liked or commented on social media updates of their personal lives which I see as so petty. Also, I think it's common for childless friends to be or appear less interested in child related news.

You don't sound like you like Mumsnet much OP.

Are you on glue?

You sound young.

You sound rather invested.

You sound very angry.

Calm down.

Joking obvs!

Anyhoo, I agree with much of what you say, except one thread you are on about (I think it is anyway,) where a poster was salty and annoyed because her friend wasn't super excited about her getting a new house. Like, people buying a new house is not terribly exciting for anyone except them!

And some people do seem to really not like someone they claim is their friend. And I do wonder why they are friends with them at all.

I agree about those threads, people rush to tell you how tedious they think children/babies are.

Which they definitely can be, but if you like someone then showing at least a passing interest in a big thing in their life is just part of friendship, whether it's a baby, a pet, a hobby, a job, whatever.

I haven’t been on Mumsnet long but have learnt that MN is some sort of parallel dimension where you can snap your fingers and instantly:

• leave your parner.
• get a job.
• find childcare.
• learn to drive.
• Not be anxious.
• Have more income.
• Have more friends.
• etc etc….

@RealWorldxo

Yes, I got a very pompous "you don't sound like you like her very much" when complaining about a friend.

Well, no, not right now, that's the whole point

There always seem to be people gagging to jump on and shit all over the OP whatever the AIBU. Usually within the first few posts.

I agree with this. Our own friends are a skewed selection for obvious reasons. Mumsnet has been a useful eye opener for me and offered me alternative ways to look at things / approach things. I no longer feel compelled to be as ‘nice’ as I did in the past and in my case I think it’s taken me from pushover to healthy!

Worth bearing in mind at all times online.

For me it's all those threads with people outraged about table saving in cafes who claim that they would never do it themselves. I'm still waiting to see a group of these adults all queuing together in a cafe.

Gosh yes!

The weird one here is birthdays where if you expect a card and a few presents you’re ‘entitled’ and ‘need to grow up’.

Similarly, lots of people like weddings and going for drinks occasionally with colleagues.

To be honest you can easily get the same responses in real life. I remember a year or something ago one Tory MP told that if people are struggling they can get a better paid jobs.

In the past I got these sort of responses a lot (even from my own parents) : to buy a car, to learn to drive, stop being anxious, have more friends etc etc
so it’s a very popular approach in RL as well.

I found the thread about the OP being complained about by colleagues because she didn't interact with them strange.

Every workplace I've it's normal to chat about your life if only a little bit. Lots of people on there seemed to think it was normal to not share anything with the person you are sitting next to for 8 hours a day.

There are lots of differences between MN and the people I encounter in real life, particularly around a lack of effort for friends.

In my world I've done loads for friends i don't fancy doing and they've done the same for me. Makes life a bit more fun / easier. We mark big occasions with our time and money.

I just assume most MNetters have close families whereas I am not close to my family and so treat my friends as chosen family.