AIBU to think views expressed on Mumsnet are at odds with my experiences of the real world?

[RealWorldxo]

I am avoiding quoting specific threads as I know it is against the rules. However, I have seen a number of threads where the OP has been disappointed that certain friends have not shown any interest in their significant life events. Having a baby, buying first house by way of an example. The overwhelming concensus of replies to these type of posts seem to be that you cannot expect anyone apart from immediate family to care about your significant life events. People apparently have their own stuff going on and are crazily busy. To expect any level of interest is entitled, needy and demanding behaviour.
This genuinely surprises me. I would definitely be interested in things going on in my friend's lives as I care about them and want to see them happy. If I didn't, I would only class them as acquaintances. Even if they have stuff going on that I have no experience of, I would still express interest because I know these things are important in their lives.
I can't help wondering if a lot of people on MN would not be very rewarding as friends as they would only engage with topics of conversation are relevant to them?

@WhatNoRaisins · Today 16:24

For me it's all those threads with people outraged about table saving in cafes who claim that they would never do it themselves. I'm still waiting to see a group of these adults all queuing together in a cafe.

Exactly. It's sheer stupidity to not get someone to reserve a table first. I remember going into Costa one time (between the first 2 lockdowns in 2020,) and I sat at a table for 2 whilst DH got the drinks. (It was busy!) A woman came up to me and said 'sorry you have to get your drinks first, before you occupy a table.' I said 'but this was the only table. By the time my husband is served there will be nowhere.' She shook her head and said 'sorry, it's da roolz!'

So we both left, and went into a little cafe down the street that didn't have such stupid roolz!

@Mushroo · Today 16:26

The weird one here is birthdays where if you expect a card and a few presents you’re ‘entitled’ and ‘need to grow up’.

Oh that fucks me right off. Anyone over 16 should NEVER expect birthday cards or presents!

I also agree with the posters saying the 'Leave The Bastard' at the drop of a hat, (when you have problems) are ridiculous! Like it's just THAT fucking easy to just upend your life, and move out and start a new life! 🙄

Then they follow it with 'I have never been happier since I left my DH. New career, new friends, lovely new home of my own, the remote to myself, the bed to myself la la la.' Most women I know who split from their DH ended up struggling massively financially, never have 2 pennies to rub together, and have to work all the hours God sends just to make ends meet. In short, they are miserable and lonely.

I show interest in all my friends' life events, if they had a new house and invited me round, I'd go and take a plant and want a tour! My friends are the same with me. I have no idea why this is considered 'needy', I'm a very easy going friend. I think often people are trying to express an alternative point of view, which is that people are busy (which is true) and just over-exaggerate, so the effect is to make you wonder if they are real people at all.

I think it's true that there's a disproportionate number of misanthropes and people who struggle socially on here, which may be true of many online spaces.

What fascinates me is how enormously little things seem to loom for some posters -- a friend not expressing the desired amount of delight at something, someone not replying to a text within a specific period of time, some mildly discourteous behaviour in public.

I suppose, though, that if you have very few people in your life, or don't venture out into the world often, then all minor events are exaggerated in importance.

I remain perennially fascinated by axioms that seem to be taken entirely for granted by some posters. That male-female friendships are only acceptable if conducted entirely in the presence of the man's partner, that housework is terribly important, that 'mum guilt' is as inevitable as weather.

And people-pleasers with no insight whatsover into their motivations for said behaviour, and why it doesn't get them friends.

absolutely. because there would be consequences.
Take away the consequences and you realise what people are really like.

I think people don't want to believe that's the truth of it but we've all got that inner voice that's ffsing all over the place. We just keep it under control.

I don't think it's just that people wouldn't say these nasty things in real life, I'm not even convinced they all actually think half of the things they say on here or at least not as strongly as they say. A lot of it is just picking fights or kicking OPs.

Well that would make someone an even worse person than someone who has opinions they hide from people in real life because they know they wouldn't go down well. At least those censoring themselves for the sake of friendly relationships have good ish )if self serving) intentions. Whereas saying things you don't mean for the sole purpose of trying to hurt a stranger is bordering on psychopathic.

Tbf, in this day and age there genuinely isn't any need to just randomly turn up on someone's doorstep. I don't really mean stuff like a neighbour knocking on wanting to borrow an egg (no biggie), but if a person wants to actually visit and be entertained, meaning an interruption to the other person's day, yes it's polite to check with them first. Why wouldn't you? It was different before anyone had phones, but nowadays it's a courtesy to check it's convenient because, yes, people's lives are busier now and they can't always drop everything to entertain.

I agree with this. People say things online they would never dream of saying to anyone in person. I think sometimes people also get wound up over a post because they have their own underlying sensitivity regarding the issue being addressed. Some replies on MN feel very harsh at times.

MN is Reddit for naice women.

Keep you expectations in check

I don’t feel like my ‘online persona’ on here is really any different to how I am in real life. I guess I don’t consider this to be an anonymous forum in the sense that quite a lot of private information can be shared. I think we are all accountable for what we post online too, but I suppose not everyone shares that view considering the amount of trolling and nastiness that goes on.

I will tell you now that I am not a ‘rewarding’ friend. I have little capacity beyond surviving atm and don’t have time for friends that would get offended by something like this in all honestly. Hanging on by a thread at this stage. My friends are v special people.

That's exactly what I think.

I thought this about a thread, I think it was yesterday. Apparently nobody wants to talk to their work colleagues, they don't care if they never share pleasantries with them and are only there to do a job of work and go home. This isn't my experience in real life. Most people I've known over the years want to, at least, have a pleasant working environment with some level of personal interaction. I can't imagine anyone taking off their coat, sitting at their desk and only speaking when asked about work related issues. That would be quite soul destroying surely?

Depends on the norm within your family and friendship group. My DP's family just turn up on the doorstep. So do some of my friends. Neither of us mind. I quite like it actually, it's a nice surprise.

I think there are some posters who really need a reality check, and it's assumed that a lot of posters need it too. You see threads on here all the time of a first time mum saying thinks like "Why is my DH's cousin's best friend not RSVPing to my baby's 6 month birthday party" and there's only so much you can brush off as naivety.

Some people really don't realise the world doesn't revolve around them, their friends don't think of them constantly and their family aren't able to just drop everything to run to them. People think about themselves too much.

But also, this is the place to come for the 'pit of vipers' harsh slice of reality advice. I wouldn't post an AIBU and expect to be gently and kindly agreed with, that's what you get from friends! I would post on here for some proper opinions so I could see a larger perspective of my situation.

You clearly don't work in IT :)

Lots of people who work from home cite just being able to get on and do their job without distractions as a major benefit. There are a lot of people who just want to get on and do their job.

I suspect if you're not one of these people you probably work in environments where other people are sociable too. So MN is giving you a window on different types of people.

So maybe the people who are mumsnet have no friends and that why they are on here…..

You could have a point!

I agree with this.

There does seem to be a disproportionate number of women (and it is usually women) who really hate any kind of verbal communication with real people though - being with people, going to the office to work and actually talking to colleagues and going out into the real world in general.

Obviously, I don't meet them in the real world because they rarely leave the house and tend to communicate their bitterness at the world via a keyboard.

I have learned a lot though and am more understanding of why a child might be having a meltdown in the supermarket for example. I also think the support on here can be wonderful. When DD was having a hard time at school I got some good advice, and the support I read about when someone is having a hard time with their partner can be invaluable.

And everyone on here is outraged how selfish people have become since the pandemic, but no one on here ever admits to that themselves. Apparently all the people that talk during theatre shows and play loud music on public transport aren’t on mumsnet. How can it really be everyone else but not us?

My friend may be jealous of my kid, No she's not, give her a break, it's not all about fuking you, my husband forgot my birthday, he's a fuking idiot and you're an idiot for staying with him, teacher assaulted my kid, no it was your kids fault, teachers are exhausted, noone noticed my new hair do, wtf, why would anyone tell you your hair is nice, how self centred are you....and so on....

.

It’s a case of people not needing to hold back because it’s an online forum, so actually the anonymity means that they are more likely to express how they really feel. IRL there are social norms to adhere to, so you’re more likely to get disingenuous responses.

I agree. In my life at least, asking after children/grandchildren comes second after the weather as a "safe" conversation topic. I've noticed that the childless women still appear interested in the doings of others' children, and do sometimes wonder whether they're "faking it". So, discussing people's children is conventional chit chat . You show your interest in someone by remembering about their children and this shows resect.
I guess Mn shows the other side of the coin - that people are sometimes being polite, rather than properly caring, when they show interest.

This. So the MN consensus seems off if you don't fit into this demographic.

You see it all over the place. Eg there was a 'gifts for teachers' thread yesterday and a lot of people suggested that a John Lewis gift card would be the best way to spend a collection.

On here people talk about shopping there as if it's a normal shop that everyone uses yet I don't think I know anyone who's ever bought anything from there due to a combination of there not being a shop anywhere near where they live and it being expensive compared to the sorts of shops people use (supermarkets, Ikea, Home Bargains, H&M etc).

There is one in my city now, but it's so overwhelmingly massive so I wouldn't know where to start looking for things that I needed.

@Bjorkdidit This is a bit of an outrageous claim, John Lewis is ubiquitous - you’d hardly go around asking anyone you know if they’d ever shopped there! It’s a good gift card suggestion because it’s a massive department store which stocks many different things.